Dastardly Donald Trump has decided on a total and complete shutdown of democracy. This will continue until he has completely got to the bottom of how elective democracy operates in the USA.
“There’s Mail-in Voting and Absentee Voting, and NOBODY knows what they mean!!!!” he tweeted from the presidential thunderbox. “This election will be the mostest fraudulentest of all time, so I want it delayed until I can work out what the hell is going on!!!!!!”
Some experienced Trump watchers are convinced that this is a cunning attempt to throw them off the scent.
“When the Donald starts throwing his toys out of his pram, it’s a sign he feels threatened,” explained brain science person Ed Cases. “In this case I imagine that he thinks that he is likely to lose the election.”
Somebody must have pressed Trump’s buttons, because minutes later he was stabbing his screen again.
“People are telling me this isn’t democratic!” he raged. “Well that’s fine because I’m not a democrat, I’m a republican! Witch hunt losers! Sad!”
A comment which was both very clever and very stupid. Not what we normally expect from a man who puts the Moron into oxymoron.
Moments later came another cryptic communication from the self proclaimed very stable genius.
“LAW AND ORDER!”
“His attention span is getting shorter,” observed Cases. “This is typical behaviour for aging psychopaths, and… sorry, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”
Shouting empty nonsense into the void is obviously not a sign of an unstable impulsive person unsuited to high office and fingers on the nuclear button.
Fortunately for the world, Trump has recently taken a bigly difficult intelligence test, on which even the most intelligent four year olds would probably have dropped a couple of marks.
So we can all sleep that little bit easier, as we nod off to the soothing words intoned by the most powerful man in earth:
Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.