RESOLUTE AND DESTITUTE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP has some questions to answer today after Oval Office furniture began appearing on popular auction site Ebay. Overnight.
The listings began to appear shortly after Mr Trump stopped tweeting for the night and were posted by a user called ‘MAGAdump12345’.
While it is not confirmed that the account belongs to Mr Trump, with some claiming the process of setting up the account would exhaust his attention span, the listings all say that the items will not be delivered and must be collected from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washingtun, 20006.
“The misspelling of Washington clearly points directly to Donald Trump,” our White House correspondent suggests, “even though his attorney, Rudi G, has attempted to deflect the accusations by claiming that Mr Trump can’t have listed the furniture for sale because he can’t count up to 1600.”
Other suspects do include Mr Trump’s family, with particular interest in his children and their spouses. Those bastions of virtue and probity.
“What is known is that the Trumps owe A LOT of money to someone. And it’s possible it’s not someone very forgiving. If Daddy Trump can’t cling onto the Resolute Desk as president, it’s reasonable to expect him to steal it and flog it off so he can meet next months interest repayments.”
And there’s some bad news in the listings for outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, and the rest of his flagshagging clique.
“The bust of Winston Churchill is listed in the items for sale,” our correspondent reveals, “Winstun Church Hill – statue of breasts. It’s not yet clear if there’s any word that ends in -on that Mr Trump is able to spell correctly, but at least he’s trying his bestest.”
The auctions are all set to close soon and cash is preferred. Preferably unmarked bills deposited at a shady address.