Donald Trump to claim squatters rights in the White House

OCCUPATION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW: The outgoing President of the USA may not in fact be going anywhere. He is alleged to be plotting to sit in the Oval Office, claim squatters rights, and dare anyone to contradict him. 

Normally this kind of announcement would be made through the medium of his hyperactive twitter account. Now that even twitter has had enough of him, he has reverted to telling “a source close to the President”. 

LCD Views’ wholly owned American subsidiary, Y’all Views (registered in the Cayman Islands, it’s all totally legal and above board, totally) reports that the insurrection is far from over. 

“Donald Trump is moving into Phase 2 of his master plan,” says Permanent Donald Trump correspondent Shi T. Gibbon. “Our source says, and I quote, ‘I have all the winnings, the best winnings, and the Oval Office is mine by right, bigly, I won the election whatever the Fake News Media say, and I will remain in the Oval Office as long as there are loyal gun freaks to support me. MAGA! MAGA!’ So there you have it from the horse’s mouth, I mean the source’s mouth.”

Gibbon also reveals that Trump has mobilised a militia to support his sit-in. These MAGA-hatted (horns are an acceptable substitute) desperados will storm the White House three times a day to bring him a Big Mac, coke, and supersize fries. 

What are the consequences for the new administration? “I think that Biden will simply bypass the problem,” said Gibbon. “There is a contingency plan to cordon off the Oval Office from the rest of the White House. Trump can have his little kingdom, and the rest of us will move forward.”

It sounds like Global Britain, sitting in splendid isolation while the rest of the world gets on with life around it. 

We can only look forward to 2024 when Boris Johnson will stage a sit-in at 10 Downing Street. 

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