Disinfectant Donald, the very stable genius, has been defended by Boris Johnson. Like us, he was only following the science.
The man with the bigly brain and the highly convincing fake tan has suggested inoculations with a cleaning fluid that “kills all known viruses dead”. His other suggestions include exposing yourself, internally, to lethal doses of ultraviolet radiation. What could possibly go wrong?
Prime Minister (in name only) Boris Johnson, still self-isolating to avoid any contact with reality, has backed his bombastic buddy from the comfort of his luxury fridge.
“Boris is in good spirits,” disclosed a Downing Street ‘source’. “Distilled spirits, mostly, with a shot of peroxide to maintain the blond barnet. He has been in close consultation with his soul brother across the pond, and has taken his wise deductions to heart.”
The ‘source’ was quick to point out that Boris Johnson wasn’t well enough to do any work, even if he was up to phoning Donald Trump.
“Boris claims it is like talking to a small child,” the ‘source’ went on. “He should know what that’s like, having fathered a few. However, he is in a weakened and vulnerable state, by which we mean the press is finally starting to turn on him. So he has returned to decorating his empty wine boxes with his poster paints, and has passed on Mr Trump’s scientific results.”
This sage advice has been presented to the SAGE committee. Chief medical advisor “Classic” Dom Cummings is trying to inject some Vim into proceedings, if Michael Gove hasn’t managed to snort it all yet.
“There’s always a lot of Vim at these meetings,” said the ‘source’. “Well, some kind of white powder anyway. I hear that they are freebasing Cillit Bang, sniffing Mr Sheen, and coming down with a few rocks of crack co-codamol.”
Following the science, or chasing the dragon? Somebody’s cleaning up, that’s for certain.