President Trump claims the Vietnam War was brought to an end by an outbreak of bone spurs

HOWLING WINDS OF FATE : President Trump has caused an upset in the field of modern military history today, by changing the course of it.

Speaking at a packed event, described by one journalist as a “Covid-19 superspreader, fundraiser” in theory to launch a range of plastic Trump action figurines, Mr Trump drifted off piste and into revisionary revelations.

“Not many people know this,” POTUS said, fingers pinched and poised dramatically above the podium, “but bone spurs can go viral just like the China flu.”

He was holding a Trump golf cart figurine at the time, in his other hand. He held it so well some in the audience were moved to applause.

“Look, I get in and out of the cart!” POTUS revealed the toy’s key feature.

“The little string that ties me to the seat of the golf cart is so I don’t get lost. Your children will love these. Get them for Christmas. If Joe Biden rigs the election and wins, there won’t be Christmas. Sleepy Joe hates Christmas. And Christians. There’s also a figurine of me as Jesus. Many people are amazed to see how much I look like Jesus. This one walks on water. You just press the big red button at the back and it inflates with natural gas.”

Once the President of the USA had finished playing with his toys, he got back to changing the course of history.

“This action man, he has bone spurs. Bone spurs are worse than cancer. Worse than Covid-19. Only the strongest survive. The Vietnam War was ended by bone spurs. Everybody got them. No one could move. I had them. I got a medal for how well I handled them. Maybe we can use bone spurs to defeat Covid. I’ll have my people look into it.”

The White House later released a follow up statement advising that “Mr Trump was not patient zero. The soldiers in Vietnam could not have caught bone spurs off Mr Trump as he wasn’t there at the time.”

Donald Trump delays 2020 election until he can work out what the hell is going on

Dastardly Donald Trump has decided on a total and complete shutdown of democracy. This will continue until he has completely got to the bottom of how elective democracy operates in the USA.

“There’s Mail-in Voting and Absentee Voting, and NOBODY knows what they mean!!!!” he tweeted from the presidential thunderbox. “This election will be the mostest fraudulentest of all time, so I want it delayed until I can work out what the hell is going on!!!!!!”

Some experienced Trump watchers are convinced that this is a cunning attempt to throw them off the scent.

“When the Donald starts throwing his toys out of his pram, it’s a sign he feels threatened,” explained brain science person Ed Cases. “In this case I imagine that he thinks that he is likely to lose the election.”

Somebody must have pressed Trump’s buttons, because minutes later he was stabbing his screen again.

“People are telling me this isn’t democratic!” he raged. “Well that’s fine because I’m not a democrat, I’m a republican! Witch hunt losers! Sad!”

A comment which was both very clever and very stupid. Not what we normally expect from a man who puts the Moron into oxymoron.

Moments later came another cryptic communication from the self proclaimed very stable genius.

“LAW AND ORDER!”

“His attention span is getting shorter,” observed Cases. “This is typical behaviour for aging psychopaths, and… sorry, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”

Shouting empty nonsense into the void is obviously not a sign of an unstable impulsive person unsuited to high office and fingers on the nuclear button.

Fortunately for the world, Trump has recently taken a bigly difficult intelligence test, on which even the most intelligent four year olds would probably have dropped a couple of marks.

So we can all sleep that little bit easier, as we nod off to the soothing words intoned by the most powerful man in earth:

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

First photo of brain eating amoeba discovered in Florida released

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

Not a line that’s pleasing the UK’s research community, who simply point to the fact that the first electron x-rays of the creature show Donald Trump.

Trump brand sippy cups go on sale at MAGA rally – only available in adult sizes

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE HAND FLAPPING : Attendees at US President Donald Trump’s 1930’s tribute rallies are used to merchandising opportunities, but over the weekend at Tulsa a new line took centre stage.

“The decision to retail Trump brand sippy cups was taken by Mr Trump himself,” a small, swivel eyed sprite from a deep circle of Hell told LCD Views, “why just get the tee-shirt? When you can have an appropriately modelled cup to drink your kool aid from?”

Indeed.

“The cups are only available as sippy cups, the better to honour Mr Trump’s display of leadership where he drank a glass of water with one hand! What better qualification do you need for the man who has the nuclear codes?”

The water drinking performance has gone a long way to dispel rumours that Mr Trump is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition in addition to his narcissism, racism, rage, short attention span, sociopathy and all the rest. Look! Man in his seventies holds cup, drinks and doesn’t spill! Of course he had to throw it away after as he doesn’t have the coordination required to place it on a table.”

And while some may believe it’s unbecoming to focus on what is clearly now a disease, we won’t even use Mr Trump famously mocking a disabled reporter in his 2016 election campaign as a defence. After all, he did that with two hands.

“Do you want a famously stable genius, occupying arguably the most powerful public office in the world, to be hiding a disease that is slowly crippling him mentally? While he’s running for another term of office? Well, do you? It depends on how much MAGA you’ve got in your cup.”

Trump would have “taking out” armed white militia if they’d kneeled in government building protest

THE 1930’S IS SO 2010’S AND 20’S : PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and all round draft dodger, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to add a note of caution to the heavily armed protests occurring in America’s state legislatures.

“I just want everyone to know I know a lot about protesting limits to my personal freedoms to help people I don’t know,” the President began tweeting, shortly after 6am, “I know more about it than almost anyone. Ask anyone. I’ve been pro testing most of my life. Some say my whole life has been a test. And I’ve passed it folks. Flying colours. They tell me my colours are flying. I don’t know if they use an airline or a helicopter. I’m going to look into it.”

And with the intro over he got down to the meat(head) of the message.

“There’s nothing brown shirted about ordinary, patriotic, white American men invading state legislatures. It’s not at all like the early years of fascism in Germania. They have a right to take semi-automatic, military grade weapons into places where decisions are being made that decide if unarmed people live or die from the foreign flu. There’s nothing more American.”

But in spite of his relaxed attitude to the intimidation of law and order, he did have a note of warning.

“Just so long as no one kneels! If they start nealing it’s a threat! It’s basically terrorism. Threatening to take people’s knees is nasty. Knee caps are to be worn on your head. Or in your knees.”

In response the locally formed, rag tag, thick as pigshit militias said it’s okay, they were “only being sarcastic.”

I say all the right words, but not necessarily in the right order, claims Donald Trump

Bring me sunshine: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with Toilet Duck? The mangled syntax and incomprehensible gibbering of the President gives you a clue. It’s Donald Duck, of course, tweeting from the Trump Toilet.

Is this the man who swallowed a bottle of Harpic and went clean round the bend? He may be quackers, but at least he is spotless under the rim.

The man whose stream of consciousness witterings and twitterings now informs medical science, has his answer ready. Taken out of context? That’s Lamestream! Misspoke? That’s Fake News! No, Trump has all the best words. All the bigly words. All the bestest and bigliest words. All the right words, in a manner of speaking, but not necessarily in the right order.

“Nobody understands the mind of Trump!” exclaimed the POTUS during the press briefing he swore not to give. “I’m a genius, right? The very best genius. I have the biggest mind in the world, nobody has a biglier mind than what Trump does. I does not make mistakes, I say all the right words. All the right words, as my very good English friend Ernie Morecambe used to say. Not necessarily in the order right, that’s what the Fake News Media don’t get!”

This explains everything. It’s as clear as a lung that has been scrubbed with an injection of Windolene.

This development has been taken with a large pinch of salt by the Lamestream Media, and with a larger pinch of Shake ‘n’ Vac by the POTUS.

In future, all the President’s pronouncements must be filtered through the prism of Write What I Meant In Retrospect, Not What I Said. This is a black art at the best of times, which must now be thoroughly bleached. All to make the brutally fake tanned Trump look whiter than white.

Bigly brain, tiny hands, and short fat hairy legs.

“I said treat the flu with leaches, not bleaches” – Donald Trump blames fake news media

DON’T DO WHAT I SAY DO WHAT I SAY I DIDN’T SAY : PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES OF SOME KIND OF AMERICA, and all round colourful character, Donald Trump, has moved today to correct a case of mistaken medicine.

“The fake news media misrecordered what I said about the foreign flu,” The President told a handpicked selection of wood louse and cabbage beetles, “I said they should look into treating the Coronavirus, and any beverage cold, with leaches.”

The clarification occurred whilst dry humping a freshly laundered American flag.

Apparently Mr Trump blames poor recordereding quality for the mistakenly belief he publicly mused on injecting everyday cleaning products directly into ill people. Products like bleach.

Of course leaches have long been popular with the medical community to treat a range of ailments from blood clotting to blood clotting.

“If they put the leaches directly into the ear of the patient than they can travel down to the lungs,” Mr Trump went on, “like they did in that documentary ‘The Wraith of Kahn’. They treated a man with leaches. They put the leach right into his ear and it got right to work. Magnificent impact. Just the greatest changes. Why not? Until we have a vaccine we have to be creative.”

But some critics of the President have seized on the clarification regarding what to do with bleach, apart from clean your toilet.

“The fact he’s had to walk that back shows that he’s not batshit crazy, but actually fully aware of what he is doing. That even for the clown show, which distracts from a lot of bad deeds, there’s a line that can’t be crossed. The self-awareness, it’s evidence of intelligence and calculation. Which is of course, even more terrifying. Clinician with a syringe full of cleaning products and an eye on your lungs, that kind of terrifying.”

Live long and prosper.

Parents worried they’re crap at home schooling reminded lack of education didn’t stop Donald Trump

CURRICULUM COVFEFE : THERE’S GOING TO BE A LOT OF GUILT GOING AROUND THE HOMES OF THE UK, and other countries, for some time now, as people turn to the task of home schooling their children.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” our Education Matters correspondent shrugs, “look at President Donald Trump? He can barely string two words together. Can’t spell. Can’t do maths with anything approaching credibility. Certainly doesn’t do reading comprehension. Doesn’t do reading! And he’s President of the United States? Lack of education is no barrier to success.”

But what of the worry worts, how to best help them design a home schooling schedule, at least a minimum of what matters?

“I’d focus on television. How to use a remote control. Especially how to find one if it’s missing. Also ordering food while in bed. Clearly a vital skill. I think you’ll find if you set your children the exercise of sitting up in bed screaming ‘I WANT A BURGER! WHERE’S THE REMOTE? WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FFFING USELESS?!’. Most kids will score 10/10, just like Trump.”

What if you don’t have a TV and haven’t stockpiled burgers in the freezer?

“Then you need to get the kids building a wall. Take some of the bricks lying about the yard and get them building it. Make sure they hate their neighbours. Also a vital skill.”

But why such a US focused curriculum? The example of the UK suggests that an Eton education can also help children rise to the very top. What should British parents focus on? How to be a toast rack?

“Oh, that’s exactly the same. Doesn’t matter how thick you are, doesn’t matter how hard you work, you just need to ensure you’re born with a massive inheritance. Home schooling is a piece of cake if you plan ahead.”

Lazarus and Jesus to self isolate together so there’s no risk of contradicting Trump

ROLL THE STONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO YOUR HOME : LCD VIEWS can report on a surprising, breaking news story today as famous figures, historical and modern, react to the call to go home and stay home during the Covid-19 crisis.

Shortly before dawn (GMT) a scruffy, woke looking bloke, in what appeared to be an old fashioned robe, took his place behind a podium in a room full of chairs, but no reporters.

The individual identified himself by pointing to a name stitched in script on the back of his robe ‘J. H. Christ’.

There was only one other individual present in the room. A man of indeterminate age who was wrapped head to toe in white sheets, as if preparing to thwart the zombie apocalypse by blending in.

His complexion was described as “pallid, with colour returning later” by experts on social media who watched the press conference live on their screens,

“People have been asking, as the pandemic sweeps the globe, ‘What would Jesus do?’,” Mr Christ begun, “well, I can tell you. After much consultation today I have taken the decision to self-isolate for the duration of the pandemic crisis.”

Mr Christ further revealed, “this has not been an easy decision. I do like to do a lot of walking of the Earth. But I believe it is vital to give medical researchers as much time as possible to get in front of the Covid-19 crisis. And I will not be alone. Lazarus will be joining me. We are going to drink a lot of wine, so long as the water supply isn’t affected. We are also going to eat a lot of bread with fish, so long as I don’t drink too much wine and eat the last remaining bread and fish at midnight in a feast.”

Mr Christ went on to explain that one of the primary motivations for the action was to not risk “contradicting that madman in the White House who asserted that ‘people are dying who have never died before’. Oh my God. I couldn’t believe. Neither could my dad.”

But while the example set is excellent, as soon as Mr Christ opened up to questions sent in via social media, what was a fairly staid press briefing steadily became chaotic.

“Y dont u heel the sick?” Badgerboy76 demanded.

“Rite move Jaysus. U too old to risk catchin it” Devote123456789 added.

Many more comments came in along these lines, before a perplexed looking Mr Christ left the podium.

“Now this is a right pickle,” he muttered, “I will go and walk among the olive trees and decide what’s the best thing to do. But I believe the first thing I will do is go and check this Trump quote at Snopes.”

Trump suspends travel from Europe except UK because Covid-19 can’t be spread by English‬ speakers

PATIENT COVFEFE : US President for Life, Donald Trump, has today announced measures to make the EU his scapegoat for his bungled handling of the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re banning all air travel from the European Union,” the orange supernova stated, “just until we can build a wall in the middle of the Atlantic. It’s going to be the greatest wall. Just the greatest. It will be a sea wall. It will be made from seas. Not many people know this, but the European Union is going to pay for it.”

But while going after the EU states, Donald Trump has excepted Ireland and the UK.

“I want to thank my servant Boris Johnson for doing his part to not show up my bunglering of this Italian flu. Delaying the UK province’s response to the crisis has given me the time I need to allow the crisis to escalate to the point where I can be a hero and act to stop it.”

Downing Street hasn’t commented on the statements from the White House yet.

“We’re waiting for our statement to be written in Washington and faxed to us,” a Downing Street source explained.

But it’s believed allowing Trump to set the pace is giving Mr Johnson more time to relax.

“We now have the best cold and flu numbers in the United States. The health sector is going to make a killing, which is in line with my attempts to gaslight a virus,” Mr Trump added, “people can still come here from the UK’s, all of them, as we all know the Coronavirus, in fact all the beer ones, can’t be transmitted by speaking English.”