CLOSE CALL : THE WHITE HOUSE was almost in nuclear level meltdown this week after US President Donald Trump’s pet Goldfish (called ‘Just the greatest gold fish, you’ve never seen a gold fish so gold, not many people know this, but this is the goldest goldfish’, or ‘Fish’ for short) died.
The fish itself is believed to have been a gift from a well wisher for one of Donald Trump’s children, but he liked it so much he kept it for himself. In an oval fish tank, on his desk, a tank with no corners.
“While the rumour regarding Fish’s origins is well known, it’s not true,” a White House warden told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “he was bought the fish by FLOTUS Melania after her therapist recommended it. The thinking being that if Mr Trump could learn to care for a gold fish, he might learn to care for bigger things? A pretty dodgy line of thinking, if you ask me. It’s unlikely he has the mental age for such a serious responsibility.”
However, the timely replacement of Fish is thought to have had global implications, with staff racing to the nearest aquarium shop while Mr Trump was distracted by golf. Oh, and the Iran crisis. He was definitely paying attention to that too. He wasn’t eating a cheeseburger in the toilet the whole time, ranting on Twitter.
“Mr Trump would probably have launched an air strike against whatever rogue state he decided assass…asshat..assassineted…killed Fish. But with Fish 2nd in the oval bowl catastrophe was averted.”
But how come the staff were able to fool a man who describes his own brain as the greatest brain?
“Fish 2nd looks almost exactly the same as Fish 1st, I don’t think he’s sat still long enough to notice any difference. Although there was a tense moment when Fist 1st was flushed down the Oval Office toilet, in case Mr Trump walked in and noticed.”