‪Donald Trump confirmed as Conservative Party candidate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in GE‬

TOOTS FROM THE TRUMPET’S TRUMPET : CCHQ has confirmed, following an imaginary FOI request by LCD Views, that Donald Trump will stand for election in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December 12th general erection, sponsored by Viagra.

“Mr Trump has been asked by meat puppet Boris Johnson to stand as the candidate by Boris Johnson personally,” a CCHQ source told LCD Views, “and also by Boris Johnson. There are so many Boris Johnson’s, we thought it only fitting they all ask Mr Trump to stand. Mr Johnson will be standing in the newly created constituency of Fumble-on-Lyre, which as a preloaded Tory majority of 100,000, most of whom have been dead since the 19th century.”

Quite what the electors of Uxbridge and South Ruislip will make of the selection of Drumpf isn’t clear, but following in the best, modern traditions of the editorially compromised BBC, we have found the one person in the area batshit crazy enough to enthusiastically support the candidacy. We will present them as representative of all.

“It will help make Britain Great Again!” Ralf Woofer declared, “Donnie is a natural born leader. In the style of a Don. He will MAKE BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN AND PROTECT THE NHS FROM PRIVATISATION BY THE CHINESE BY SELLING IT TO THE AMERICANS.”

As Mr Woofer is unable to talk for long without shouting, we cut the interview as short as Francois and will proceed to widely speculate.

“The selection of Mr Trump will keep both Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan happy,” our chief political editor suspects, “they will find it easier to timeshare in his rear if he is actually in the UK.”

Other sources have also had a guess as to why this is being done.

“It’s part of a deal between Johnson and Trump,” a small blue ringed octopus asserted, and why not.

“Trump gets a legitimate reason to be in the UK during his impeachment proceedings and Boris Johnson gets to hang out with another deluded, privileged rich boy. They can do no work of actual governance together while a coterie of moral degenerates run the country. It’s a perfect arrangement.”

Whether or not Mr Trump can legally stand as the parliamentary candidate doesn’t matter, because in modern Tory Britain laws are only for poor people.

Donald Trump demands his impeachment trial takes place in Russia

FAIR HEARING : World Leader Donald Trump has drawn a Kremlin red line today regarding his impending impeachment.

Taking to Twitter to start his day, as is standard, be he in the Oval Office on the potty, a golf course or making a catastrophic strategic and humanitarian blunder by effectively freeing ISIS and green lighting the slaughter of civilians in Syria, it always involves Twitter.

Initially he tweeted about historical matters regarding the Salem Witch trials, and the associated merchandising opportunities, but he soon got personal.

“Russia! I will stand trial in Russia. If Im Peach and Mint think they can prove I comitteed o fences they have to do it in a neutered court. I want a fare heading. President Putin will ensure I get a good trial. Just the greatest trial. And best of all, it won’t be by fire. That way everyone will stay SAFE.”

But critics have expressed alarm at the demand.

“If he’s found guilty he won’t be happy, even in Russia,” LCD Views’ Whitehouse correspondent said, “the prison terms there tend to be very harsh and confiscating of personal wealth is standard. Also, he’s getting on, I’m not sure he’s up to hard labour in a Siberian prison camp? Surely it would be better that he’s tried at home? He may even be able to cut a plea deal and protect those he cares about most?”

Others however say it’s best he is tried in the home territory of his alleged backers, as they have better access to any information that maybe relevant to the prosecution. Also, there’s no loss of personal wealth to worry about as his money is allegedly not his own anyway.

POOTUS himself seemed to find a silver lining in the building drama though.

“The RATINGS WILL BE ASSTROONOMICAL. Just the greatest TV of ALL TIME. Better TV ratings even than SALE M! USA! USA! OJ and other fruit juices have nothing on me. And they’res NO GlOve to where! MAGA!”

At least he’s right about that. Regardless of where his impeachment trial takes place, the ratings are going to be massive.

People are mocking Donald Trump for tweeting about impeachment

WOULD YOU LIKE PEACH, MINT OR BOTH TOGETHER : President Donald Trump is said to be so furious he’s gone to the toilet after people on Twitter mocked him for his misunderstanding over impeachment.

Taking a moment’s break from denying there is anything improper in his dealings with Ukraine, the under fire POTUS tweeted about the beginning of impeachment proceedings directly.

But the strong tweet backfired quickly as Twitter users realised he thought impeachment referred to someone going about saying they were “I’m Peach Mint” and making direct threats at the greatest President America has seen since sometime in January 2017.

And the follow up tweet didn’t improve things for Donnie.

Not only did the second tweet bring more inbound mockery, but people began to question his sanity, in spite of being fully aware of what a great brain Donald Trump has.

How the tweets will impact on his impeachment hearings isn’t clear, although as no ice creams of any flavour are expected to be called to testify before either the House of Representatives or the Senate, it’s believed it won’t unduly impact on the hearings.

None the less, White House sources are said to be leaking details of a new presidential order banning ice cream of all kinds from the White House grounds. Also any golf courses the president may spend time on.

“He’s actually thinking of banning ice cream entering the United States altogether,” one source revealed, “just until he can work out what the hell is going on. So the ban maybe permanent. Or last until he’s dragged squealing and bawling out of office like the overgrown man-baby he is.”

IT’S TWINS – Boris Johnson and Donald Trump to hold joint impeachment shower, and expect gifts

HEAVY WITH EXPECTATION : Exciting announcements today from both sides of the big pond as Donald Trump and Boris Johnson agree to hold a joint impeachment shower.

“It shows what mavericks they are,” our embedded Johnson reporter says, “it can’t be a coincidence that they held cosy conversations in private just yesterday and today the big announcement.”

“Donald can’t believe his luck,” a correspondent closely following events in the White House also reported back, “even now he’s still incredibly excited. He doesn’t really believe it. Mostly because he’s batshit crazy and going senile, twinned with a sociopathic personality disorder.”

And well wishers are encouraged to join in the celebrations by visiting an online gift register and choosing something predetermined by the expectant couple.

“All the classics are there. Hand knitted booties, scarves and gloves, as it can get cold in the courtyard of any penitentiary,” our reporter continues, “but there’s also some uniques choices, while still respecting tradition. Homemade cakes with files baked inside. Skeleton keys. Burner phones, in peach or peach. Unbreakable codes for the times when you’ve something special to say. Offshore bank accounts in jurisdictions that respect privacy. It’s quite an exhaustive list.”

It’s not clear what date exactly the impeachments will arrive bouncing and squalling into the light, but all over the world avid watchers of the norm busting pair have clasped their hands together and are praying.

“Imagine a world in which both these tyrannosaurus wrecks are walking up and down the hall of a night, little baby impeachments drooling bile down their backs?” one fan, supportive of a restitution of the norms of liberal, representative democracy posted online, “I can’t wait for them to go into labour. Both of them. And I hope it’s hard.”

Danish prime minister gives Greenland to Obama just to wind up Trump

WHAT THE DRUMPF : The Danish Prime Minister, Hands Christian Andersen, has deliberately put himself in the sights of Donald Trump’s twitter rants today after giving Greenland to President Obama.

“It was the only sensible response to President Trump’s cancellation of his planned state visit next month,” the Danish foreign secretary, A A Vikin, told LCD Views during a telephone call that definitely happened.

Donald Trump cancelled the long scheduled trip to embarrass himself in Denmark via Twitter, of course, after the Danish PM said they wouldn’t be willing to sell the raving, orange faced lunatic the big green island.

But as a result of the diplomatic furore there are reports of mass, spontaneous street celebrations occurring in towns and cities across Denmark.

“Also on the Øresund Bridge which joins Denmark and Sweden,” the foreign minister advised, “Swedes are joining us in partying out of relief that Mr Trump will not now make an unscheduled visit fo their land while embarrassing himself in Denmark.”

President Obama has so far remained tight lipped about the sudden expansion in his property portfolio. It is expected thought that he will accept the keys to Greenland in a ceremony next month.

What flag Obama will fly over his new island isn’t yet clear either. But rumours suggest the Danish PM has requested an actual photo of Obama smiling is the obvious choice to base the design on. Just to wind up Trump even more.

There is an American military base on the island. Early reports suggest the men and women stationed in there are taking the day off to breathe a big sigh of relief at the change in their commander in chief.

The reaction from the British foreign office to the spat between two of the UK’s allies has been muted.

“That’s because Dominic Raab is still trying to work out why Greenland is white.”

MAGA 2020 : Trump team revise famous campaign slogan to build on his deeds so far

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE KNOWN : Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign for a second term as President of the United States was looking on solid ground today after a leak from camping headquarters revealed some fresh thinking.

“We need to build on the evangelical vote, you know the one, it’s the same as the hypocrisy vote,” an email between campaign strategists, leaked to the media, revealed, “I think we should take advantage of popular culture and lift something from The Handmaid’s Tale. MAGA, Make America Gilead Again.”

The revised slogan is certainly catchy and maps out what the second term of the Trump administration is likely to achieve.

But there was more in the email, the authentic of which has so far has not been denied by the Trump camp.

“It’s all very well using old books like 1984 and Animal Farm and My Struggle as guidebooks for reshaping America, but we need modern texts too. Especially one written by a woman. This will help secure the religious housewife vote.”

It’s not yet clear how much of the guidebook the Trump team intends to turn into policy, but it’s reasonable to assume a fair old whack of it!

“We should also give serious consideration to having ‘Under His Eye’ printed on the US presidential seal, and any other marine mammals that polls show are popular.”

But don’t think Ivanka and Melania have been left out of the planning. They’re pegged to run re-education camps for young, fertile women, so they understand their job in Gilead will be to breed. And that’s all. Well, certain domestic duties too of course.

Under his eye. Make America Gilead Again. Let’s wait until Trump tries to spell Gilead in a tweet.

Medieval religious crusades would have been peaceful if combatants had more faith – US gun advocates confirm

YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE FAITH : Striking historical conclusions from across the pond today with the discovery that the medieval religious crusades would have been peaceful if the opposing combatants involved had more faith.

The unique line of thinking follows an exhaustive search for an answer to how best to stop the horrific and never ending roller coaster of death in the USA resulting from allowing insecure man children to arm themselves to the teeth just to go to Starbucks.

This is a separate debate to hunting, given that the countries that have successfully stopped the frequent occurrence of mass public shootings still allow hunters to hunt with hunting rifles.

”Look, my hobby is semi-automatic guns. Guns. Lots of guns. This is mangled into an insecurity inside I don’t want to face and masked further with a creation myth. I don’t care how many people I don’t know are gunned down in cold blood because my selfish pleasure is more important.” One honest social media commentator said.

The less honest ones, the religious types, put the finger on a lack of faith. This is based on the widely accepted belief that God owns thousands of semi-automatic rifles for his own self defence.

”Look at all the religious conflicts down through time? If only those involved had believed more in their chosen sky daddy they wouldn’t have fought to begin with,” our gun nut cracker cracked, “it is actually feasible. Especially if you consider the inspiration for the crusades to the Holy Land. What would Jesus have done? Probably not sent tens of thousands of religious fanatics armed with swords to chop people into pieces for the sake of some real estate.”

The unending cycle of death in the USA does point to the success of gun lobbyists though. Manipulating a willing public to act against their best interests and believe it’s the right thing to do.

We’re currently experiencing a similar psychology con act for profit on this side of the pond. It’s become our current system of government.

Former Soviet scientist says plan to weaponise idiocy and attack West “complete success”

ONE HUNDRED MEGATONNES OF DUMB : Doctor Alexsandr Harrashaw, a professor of human behavioural studies made famous by inventing Boris Yeltsins, has declared today that the Soviet Cold War plan to weaponise idiocy and attack the West was a complete success.

”It’s just took a little longer to come to fruition than expected,” he added, “although the early results of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher allowed the programme to continue as a dark op after the fall of the Berlin Wall.”

Although Reagan and Thatcher are genuinely credited with being smart enough to win the first half of the Cold War 6-0, they also sowed the seeds of the economic fascism that is now eating Western democracies whole.

”What you do these days, this thing of juggling bits of imaginary paper about, and betting on real businesses failing? This is not capitalism. This is economic idiocy. This started with the deregulation of everything and the outsourcing of everything else to strip the public coffers and line the pockets of parasites. For me, this is a personal achievement.”

But now that the UK and USA have moved on to electing actual proven idiots, chancers, liars, cheaters and sociopaths to the highest offices of state, the weaponisation of idiocy is proven.

”Amnesia via tabloids is part of the package. Forget the hard earned, blood soaked lessons of history. Cease to cooperate. Tear apart the rules based orders and make fun of disabled people and minorities. You lot really are dumber than my wildest dreams.”

But isn’t the professor concerned about blowback?

”Yes. But it’s worth it. We have our money all through your political parties. To counteract weaponised idiocy they’ll [governing politicians] have to hurt themselves right where it hurts. In the pocket. Good luck with that! How you doing to do it when you’re at ground zero of dumb?”

Donald Trump begins assembling Boris Johnson’s cabinet by tweet

FOOL’S ERRAND : President Donald Trump has begun appointing presumed prime minister Boris Johnson’s cabinet by tweet.

The social media postings began shortly after Mr Boris “Everyman” Johnson was declared winner of the Conservative Party race to the bottom.

”It’s just coincidental that Mr Donald began posting his selections for the limey furniture thing while he’s normally on the toilet in the early morning,” a White House spokesman said, “he was actually still in bed at the time finishing off last night’s half eaten Big Mac.”

It’s understood Mr Trump believes he won the British cabinet in a Republican Party raffle. Given how useful the idiot now set to enter Downing Street may prove to be for him, no one has bothered attempting a correction.

But the picks for Mr Johnson’s cabinet may surprise some this side of the pond.

”Not surprisingly Mr Trump has chosen to exclude anyone he isn’t white,” our White House source says, “because this is a British cabinet and because Mr Trump is a racist and racists don’t understand these things.”

But the selections themselves are not a surprise.

”John Bolton is now Secretary of Defence, so expect yourselves to be a US bullet magnet. You’ll be so proud. Ivanka Trump is to run the Home Office and be real house proud. A number of private US healthcare concerns will be taking over Health. US mega-farm corp will takeover DEFRA. And so on like this. Mr Johnson won’t have to do a thing. We hear that’s how he likes it. Just settle down and be a good little vassal state.”

And after he’s assembled Johnson’s cabinet? What next?

”Oh; there’ll be a few screws loose. But don’t worry about that. You’re Global Britain. You’re going to make a success of it. If you just believe hard enough.”

Donald Trump speaks at more than double his mental age, new analysis finds

ARRESTABLE DEDONALDMENT : A new study by boffins with smart machines has found that reality TV star, and part time US president, Donald Trump speaks at more than double his mental age.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-language-level-speaking-skills-age-eight-year-old-vocabulary-analysis-a8149926.html?fbclid=IwAR1XCeaPXqkz38UOzuo8invdpy-5hD1ynYTxjUm5iyaRYskLYIIESkkhy9M

“You would have thunk he had a chance at placing better than Dubya, but he’s even come under that famously low bar,” our Trumpistan correspondent reports back, “but it’s still a very good effort for Trump, who clearly stopped both emotional and intellectual development somewhere around potty training, or perhaps even earlier.”

The study itself was focused on the words used without the help of a TelePrompTer or speech writer. Just the raw person showing through.

”Trump will probably be proud of himself,” our correspondent muses, “as he won’t be able to sit still long enough to read the analysis, so one of his handlers will make something up and write it out in big letters with a marker pen. Donald can then put that on Twitter as a boast. Bigly with words. Just the bestest, most specialist with silly bills. Something like that.”

But while the lack of big words in the most powerful toddler on Earth’s vocabulary wouldn’t necessarily mean much, if emotionally he wasn’t so underdeveloped, it does tally with the claims he’s a giant child having an endless tantrum.

Quite how Mr Trump will express his feelings over the findings isn’t clear, but it will presumably involve scat.

The verbal study is to be followed up by one comparing body language while giving public speeches to crowds, with the body language of the 20th century’s fascist leaders. On that Trump is expected to score a Mussolini.