President Donald Trump has responded swiftly and decisively to the latest mass shooting at an American school by proposing to arm teachers, with anything other than books.
“Assault rifles may not be enough,” President Trump said, “this crazy, crazy POTUS get crazier every day. I don’t know who his paymaster is, I honestly don’t. You tell me. Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming. This is the biggest crowd for any presidential response to a school massacre.”
It’s believed he will push for compulsory training in SWAT tactics for school teachers and handling of rapid fire weapons in active shooter situations.
“I think we’ll have to step it up to machine guns nests instead of desks for teachers. I honestly do. We’ve got to keep our children safe. We’ve got to do anything that will make more money for the NRA and keep our children safe.”
Proposals to hold gym classes inside armoured personnel carriers were also being considered.
“We really do have the best gun technology. Better than Obama had. Bigger than Hilary. You know I heard she only carries a .38. What a pussy. Truly terrible. Un Un Un American folks.”
A suggestion that it would be better to ban military grade weapons and arm teachers with even more books were met with scorn by the paternal POTUS.
“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, don’t you know that? I know that. It’s about all I know. I’m going to ban books. All books. Just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Teachers need to arm their students against my stupidity. They really do. I’m telling you.”
We asked a 16 year old what she felt about the President’s response and that of his supporters,
“It makes me feel totally nurtured. To know that the older generations, the ones I look up to in order to feel safe and cherished, taken as a group they’d rather encourage the pseudo-religious worship of guns than do the one thing needed to make it less likely I get gunned down in math.
No other country on earth has been able to stop school massacres. The UK and Australia, sure, they pretty much stopped massacres by deciding in a wave of revulsion and care for their children to give up certain weapons, but that doesn’t stop knife attacks or terrorism, so why do the one thing you need to do to save the life of a child who you don’t know?
How selfish are they. That child may grow up to want to shoot up on the weekends to feel less inadequate.
It’s important that people who imbibed the creation myth of America with their mother’s milk get to keep having fun with guns so we can keep dying by the dozen while learning.
The 2nd amendment foresaw this situation and they went ahead and ratified it. They knew one day big truck driving American men would have to defend their homes against cruise missiles with assault grade weapons bought at department stores.
It really sends a message to all kids about our parent’s priorities.”
It’s understood Drumpf is also considered introducing an armed curfew on anyone under twenty in case they decide to march on his Washington or vote.
“It might be safer to ban attending school,” Trump mused, “make every child study at home like I did. I’m self taught. A lot of people don’t know that. Knowledge is power and believe you me that’s the one thing I don’t want the American people to have.”