Body language expert says planned Trump visit unlikely after studying photo

Doctor Body, a world famous expert in the field of body language studies says today the planned President Donald Trump visit to the UK is highly unlikely, after studying a photo of several people.

“These four people here,” Doctor Body tells LCD Views, “they’re the kind of highly intelligent, selfless public servants that will be lined up to meet the world’s most famous humanitarian when he visits. Clearly none of them have done any preparation. You can tell that just by looking at them.”

Doctor Body says he can tell this because of the way the four people are standing.

“Their hands are down by their sides,” he tells us, “do they look ready to shake hands with the world’s most famous handshaker in chief to you?”

He has a good point. With legs splayed out in a power display, or because of overheating genitalia, it’s hard to tell which, none of the people in the image are braced for impact.

“Maybe the photos were taken after sitting on a hot plate accidentally,” Doctor Body muses, “but then they would be grimacing. They’d also have their hands in a defensive posture holding an ice pack or something. I’m not sure what treatment would be used. I’m a body language expert. Not a medical doctor. I’m not even a qualified first aider.”

So how does he suggest they signal readiness to meet the cheeto faced, gammon chorus leader in chief?

“Close your legs,” Doctor Body advises, “and get ready to ride out the most preposterous handshake ever. Donald Trump is a self confessed sexual predator. The fact that the American people voted him into office leaves me shaking my head in wonder.

It would be best not to allow him to visit in the first place so as not to validate his appalling lack of ethics and gutter scraping behaviour.”

So work on the handshake. Got it.

Satan denies making a deal with Donald Trump

The immense fame, fortune and power of Donald Trump have given rise to much speculation over the years as to how and why it happened. Among the more popular theories is that he made a deal with the Devil, but this has now been debunked – by the Devil.

Speaking candidly at a press conference, he told the assembled reporters:

“Look, I know I have something of a bad press here in the world of men, but I’m not that bad. Even I wouldn’t go near Donald Trump. Just when you think humans have sunk as low as they can go, in comes another one who manages to lower the bar another impossible inch. He actually did approach me once, and offered me the souls of all his family – his wives, children, in-laws – I was shocked! And I’m the Devil, it takes a lot to shock me!”

So in other words, when he arrives in hell, it will be entirely through his own efforts.

“Him? In my infernal domain?” Satan looked genuinely repulsed at the prospect. “I don’t want him in Hell, lowering the tone! Apart from anything else, his tan is a fire hazard, and if there’s one thing Hell isn’t short of, it’s fires. I wouldn’t mind if the flames could be guaranteed to only affect him, but they’ll shoot out everywhere – it’s a health & safety risk to me and my demons.”

But surely this doesn’t mean that Trump will be going to Heaven – does it?

“Oh, don’t you worry on that score,” Satan replied, the terrifyingly confident smile back on his face.

“The thing you mortals don’t yet know is, there’s somewhere worse. About twenty years ago, one of my demons led a revolt against me. Gary his name was – good lad, very enthusiastic about his job, but not very bright.

Anyway, he tried to take over, and failed, miserably. I had to punish him, and it was around this time that God was trying to get tough – tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin, you know, and he created somewhere worse. So I offered him Gary and his followers to staff the place, everyone was a winner – God got his staff for Uber-Hell – or should that be Unter-Hell? – I got rid of my traitors, and even Gary got to be the leader of his own domain.”

So Trump will be going there then?

“Absolutely. Funnily enough, I was asking Gary just the other day what he had planned for him. And he’s already got it covered – a golf course that won’t give you a single break.

Holes that disappear, invisible dragons, sixty-foot bunkers, and so on. He actually tried the course out one day in Hell, I remember, with a particularly loathsome mortal called Thomas Quentin Crimp, who by rights should have gone with Gary, but I just couldn’t bear to part with my favourite whipping boy . . .”

So there you have it. There is officially a fate worse than Hell, and it’s in Donald Trump’s future. Hopefully not too distant. Although given how robust his health apparently is Gary may have a wait.

May unfriends Macron on Facebook after he hits on Trump

Theresa May was embroiled in a social media shitstorm today after she unfriended French President E Macron on Facebook after he hit on America’s most famous one term president Donald Trump.

”It was really silly,” an aide to No 10 told LCD Views, “she saw them holding hands and she just lost it.

We are the ones with the special relationship.

The French are cheese eating surrender monkeys. Everyone knows that, even if they were right to keep well out of Bush and Blair’s Iraq War.”

Quite at what point in the day the British prime minister hit block and unfriend and I hate you is not clear.

”Probably after the cabinet meeting this morning,” the aide said, “Boris got well up her over institutional racism. This wound her right up. As he’s tied himself to the mast of Brexit she assumed he hated everyone on a colour chart system as much as she did. He’s probably just using the issue to try and get fired anyway. He wakes each day looking for the exit from this mighty mess he made.”

So she was primed to snap at someone?

”Oh, that’s just business as usual,” the aide shrugged, “she’s very tense. She wakes each day fearing she’ll face a Labour Party led by someone who isn’t intent on economic destruction with her.”

I suppose this puts Trump’s planned picnic in Buckingham Palace in July in doubt now?

”What are you talking about? She didn’t unfriend Trump. She’ll forgive him. She’s not going to hold it against him that he doesn’t have the instinctive mistrust of the French bred into her like a girl from little England whose most recent reference is Waterloo. And anyway, May and Trump share the same values. She’s determined their special relationship cemented on a set of stairs goes on, all the way to the bottom.”

Dr Strangelove takes credit for bringing Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un together

Doctor Strangelove has spoken exclusively to LCD Views to take credit for bringing Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un together.

”I knew they were a match the moment I saw both in a split screen image,” the Doctor told LCD Views’ defence correspondent.

”They have so much in common, put them in the same room and it’s going to be like watching a ticking bomb. Wait for the magic to explode.”

The Doctor believes if he can match the pair off it could be world changing.

”The honeymoon period will be something to see. I wouldn’t be surprised if they team up with that stern Russian chap who made Donald president and all three go bareback riding in the mountains somewhere.”

So does the Doctor believe such a match up could alleviate risks of nuclear Armageddon on the Korean Peninsula?

”For a time. But slamming such reactive egoists together at velocity? Well, excuse me while I salute the potential for an explosion that will make the Doomsday device appear like a child’s toy.”

So why risk it?

”Why not? If you control the time and place of the explosion you can enjoy the fallout.”

What if they hate each other on sight?

”Oh, you are worrying about something that will never happen. Kim is playing Donald like the fiddle he is.

Donald is happy to have his strings plucked by Kim because it provides wall to wall media coverage that squeezes out news of the big fat file Mueller is building on Trump.”

So it’s all talk?

”It certainly served to drive ‘Ireland First’ well off the news agenda for the BBC. And that was a firework that should have gotten extensive coverage by the publicly funded Conservative Party broadcaster!”

Well, You’ve just raised our hopes for nothing.

”Maybe not. I move underground still if I were you and start stockpiling enough entertainment to see you through potentially a very long winter.”

Maybe we’ll just imagine them swapping hair care and diet secrets instead while comparing the size of their big red buttons.

Donald Trump signs bigly executive order banning Stormy Daniels from talking about their alleged encounter

These days the news of Donald Trump signing an executive order seems pretty old hat, but his latest has a more personal edge to it. At a press conference at the White House, he held up a bigly executive order forbidding adult film star Stormy Daniels from talking about an alleged affair they had in 2006-7.

“I’m just sick of that fake bitch opening her mouth and spreading all those nasty false rumours about me,” he told the assembled press with trademark tact. “So I’m putting a stop to it. She says I didn’t sign the agreement, well take that Stormy, I’ve signed this instead.”

“Instead” was a very Freudian slip, which some critics were quick to point out as being an admission that her recent claim is in fact true.

“It doesn’t matter what’s true,” Trump replied. “I’m president and what I say goes.”

Others were quick to point out that signing an executive order like that purely to gratify his own ego is the mark of a dictator rather than a proper democratically elected representative of the people.

“What are you talking about?” Trump retorted. “Say that again but in English.”

The criticism was rephrased as “it’s the sort of thing Kim Jong Un would do.”

“No he wouldn’t,” Trump replied, “because he can’t get the chicks. Not like me, I’ve got the hottest chicks you could dream of. Bigly hot. So hot you can only dream of them, but I can have them anytime I want.”

This led to the inevitable question of why make such a fuss about silencing one woman on the subject while simultaneously making such a brag?

“Because it never even happened. I did not have sexual relay – uh, sexy relay – uh, sex, with that woman. No way. She’s not hot enough to get the Donald. What a loser. Sad.”

So if it didn’t even happen why bother with the executive order, and indeed all the legal haranguing that’s been going on over the incident already?

“Because I don’t want to hear any more on the subject. Now get out before I set the NRA on you.”

Not being armed ourselves, we got out.

Ms Daniel was unavailable for comment. Sources close to her say she is going to ask Monica Lewinsky for tips.

Twitterer in chief diagnosed with brain spurs

Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.

“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,

“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”

Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.

”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,

“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”

Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.

”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,

“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.

Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”

What other symptoms are anticipated?

”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”

So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?

”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”

In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.

Trump hinted at tighter gun controls because he thought it was April 1st

Donald Trump has admitted last night that his claims for wanting tighter gun control were in fact a big hoax.

When the assembled press began asking him if his statement about wanting tighter gun laws was genuine, he replied with the two words, “April fool!”

This statement came as absolutely no surprise on any level. Not only is Mr Trump still very actively in favour of US citizens carrying guns, but he also got the date wrong.

When someone pointed out that it was only the first of March and not April, Mr Trump shrugged and said, “how many April fool gags have their setup the day before? I should think quite a bigly amount, wouldn’t you? Some of them by nicety, uh, nestie, uh, because they need to.”

But this is a full month in advance. The first of April is over four weeks away.

Trump responded in his usual manner.

“Any suggestion that I don’t know when April fools day is,” he said sternly, “is fake news.”

And the rumours that he was ordered to back down on his stance by the NRA?

“That’s fake news too,” he said. “The fakeliest. The Donald isn’t scared of anyone. I could take on the entire NRA unarmed and still kick their asses.”

So what if anything, it was asked, would he be doing on gun laws?

“That’s easy,” Trump replied. “I am signing a new executive order making it compulsory for every American citizen to carry a gun at all times.”

Well, that will certainly have an effect on gun crime statistics. America, the rest of the world is sending thoughts and prayer for you.

Trump orders all US schools to remove scary stairs so he can run in fearlessly

“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.

”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”

While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.

”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”

The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.

”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.

I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.

Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”

Now at least Americans can feel safer.

Trump calls for teachers to be armed with anything other than books

President Donald Trump has responded swiftly and decisively to the latest mass shooting at an American school by proposing to arm teachers, with anything other than books.

“Assault rifles may not be enough,” President Trump said, “this crazy, crazy POTUS get crazier every day. I don’t know who his paymaster is, I honestly don’t. You tell me. Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming. This is the biggest crowd for any presidential response to a school massacre.”

It’s believed he will push for compulsory training in SWAT tactics for school teachers and handling of rapid fire weapons in active shooter situations.

“I think we’ll have to step it up to machine guns nests instead of desks for teachers. I honestly do. We’ve got to keep our children safe. We’ve got to do anything that will make more money for the NRA and keep our children safe.”

Proposals to hold gym classes inside armoured personnel carriers were also being considered.

“We really do have the best gun technology. Better than Obama had. Bigger than Hilary. You know I heard she only carries a .38. What a pussy. Truly terrible. Un Un Un American folks.”

A suggestion that it would be better to ban military grade weapons and arm teachers with even more books were met with scorn by the paternal POTUS.

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, don’t you know that? I know that. It’s about all I know. I’m going to ban books. All books. Just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Teachers need to arm their students against my stupidity. They really do. I’m telling you.”

We asked a 16 year old what she felt about the President’s response and that of his supporters,

“It makes me feel totally nurtured. To know that the older generations, the ones I look up to in order to feel safe and cherished, taken as a group they’d rather encourage the pseudo-religious worship of guns than do the one thing needed to make it less likely I get gunned down in math.

No other country on earth has been able to stop school massacres. The UK and Australia, sure, they pretty much stopped massacres by deciding in a wave of revulsion and care for their children to give up certain weapons, but that doesn’t stop knife attacks or terrorism, so why do the one thing you need to do to save the life of a child who you don’t know?

How selfish are they. That child may grow up to want to shoot up on the weekends to feel less inadequate.

It’s important that people who imbibed the creation myth of America with their mother’s milk get to keep having fun with guns so we can keep dying by the dozen while learning.

The 2nd amendment foresaw this situation and they went ahead and ratified it. They knew one day big truck driving American men would have to defend their homes against cruise missiles with assault grade weapons bought at department stores.

It really sends a message to all kids about our parent’s priorities.”

It’s understood Drumpf is also considered introducing an armed curfew on anyone under twenty in case they decide to march on his Washington or vote.

“It might be safer to ban attending school,” Trump mused, “make every child study at home like I did. I’m self taught. A lot of people don’t know that. Knowledge is power and believe you me that’s the one thing I don’t want the American people to have.”

Donald Trump criticised by President Trump for not acting over warnings about Donald Trump

President Trump has lashed out at Donald Trump today and savaged him for not acting on clear warnings about the danger posed to all by President Trump.

”Donald Trump is not fit to be president,” President Donald Trump slammed Donald Trump.

”Not only does he take photos with his thumbs up and grinning like the deranged clown we know he is with first responders to America’s latest school shooting, but he then tries to use the horrific murder of children in his increasingly desperate attempts to malign the FBI?

Only a self absorbed narcissistic, tub thumping, criminally minded lunatic would use the grief of families for political ends barely a day after the event.”

It’s not clear how Donald Trump will respond to the take down of Donald Trump by someone thought to be his greatest admirer, but twitter is said to be preparing for a battery of self justification and insults in the early hours of the morning.

”We can’t do anything about Donald Trump, even when he retweets fabricated racist videos,” a representative for the social media platform sighed, “did you see we actually made a profit in the last quarter of last year?

That’s thanks to the insane rankings of Donald Trump and all the new users who have joined the network to take him on.

He’s the golden goose, well, at least until he is arraigned in court sometime before Christmas this year.”

But Donald Trump does have his defenders.

The NRA, a profitable fun lobby group, has been quick to leap to the defence of Donald Trump in the face of Donald Trump’s attacks.

”How many dead kids is a profitable foundation myth worth? A lot, that’s how many. It’s a faith based argument and it is worth billions.

Sure other developed countries had a few little massacres and decided to get rid of the semi-automatics, while still leaving actual hunting rifles to those who require them. and have had virtually no mass shootings since, but how are those people going to fight the airforces and cruise missiles of a rogue government without military grade rifles?

There’s no correaltion and my conscience is buffered by my faith and my share portfolio. Because I’m worth it.”

Asked what a patriot should do if they feel themselves tempted by the most screamingly obvious way to stop insane teenage boys from mass murdering children, the rep had this to say,

”I’ll tell you what you should do,” he advised, “don’t go to YouTube and look up that video of the guy attempting the mass shooting with the height of rifle tech when the 2nd was written.

It could ruin your day with a logic bomb. And we all know how deadly they are!

And don’t let Trump see it, it’ll confuse the hell out of him. He’ll think it’s an advert for Diet Coke and he’ll be livid when there’s no girls in bikinis by the end.”

Asked what he intended to do about Donald Trump, given he is clearly unhinged and dangerous, and prevention would be better than cure, Donald Trump said,

”Probably apply for political asylum in Russia. Or maybe declare Mar-a lago a republic. I haven’t decided yet, do you know when the FBI is planning to arrest him? Check Hilary’s emails. It’s all in there.

It took about 18months to bring down Nixon, so the clock is ticking.”