I’m not uncompetent, says Donald Trump

Peach coloured presidential primate Donald Trump has hit back at accusations of being inept and insecure. I’m not uncompetent, claims the Ralph Wiggum of international politics.

“I’m not unsecure either!” he tweeted from the presidential toilet. “I’m the most secure guy ever, I’m so secure I don’t need the security forces trying to secure me. I want to break free!”

Trump soon warmed to his theme, sending off a barrage of tweets defending his record. “FAKE NEWS ALERT!! People say I’m unept. Well, that’s the Dems for you! In fact I’m the mostest eptest person in the world! I’m simply the ept, epter than all the rest!”

He went on to list his achievements, some of which actually had a grain of truth in them. All in a totally not insecure fashion, of course.

“I was actually the first man on the moon,” he tweeted. “But I let Neil Armstrong take the glory, because I’m such a modest guy. I’m the most modest, humble guy you will ever meet! One small step? Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon!”

He mentioned his Mexican wall, naturally. “The wall is nearly complete! It’s bigly, bestly and covfefe,” read a gnomic missive sent in the middle of the night. “I go and help out all the time, even though I ain’t got no time! It’s just another brick in the wall.”

He couldn’t quite duck his low approval ratings, though. “It’s a which hunt!” he blasted. “A conspiracy! RESIDENTIAL HARRASMENT! Crooked Obama’s ratings were lower! The only way is up!”

The infamous shutdowns got a mention, too. “I have the longest shutdowns, nobody has a longer shutdown than me, but don’t ask Stormy Daniels, she has never seen my shutdown,” he dribbled. “It’s good, a long one, no need to pay people for not working. Money for nothing, chicks for free!”

Then, I suppose he does work eight days a week.

Flash Trump dedicates memorial to colonial Hawkmen who defeated RAF in American War of Independence

DUMBER COMMAND : Flash President Donald Trump has dedicated a new memorial to the colonial Hawkmen who defeated the RAF in the American War of Independence.

The memorial, in the form of a giant Brian Blessed in aerial drag, has been erected under the orders of Donald Trump on the land in front of the Lincoln Memorial, mostly obscuring it from view.

”I have invited the leader of the Hawkmen, that great American hero, Flash Gordon to dinner at the White House to celebrate the sacrifices of himself and his men in the Battle of Merciless Ming over the Bay of Washington in 1777,” Trump told a small gathering, after giving his nurse the slip, “just the greatest cheeseburgers. And fries. Lots and lots of fries. It will be a great, great meal.”

And it won’t just be the food that will be memorable.

”My daughter Ivanka will mingle with the Hawkmen offering anecdotes about her work as Secretary of State. Just the greatest stories. The way she waves her hands make me proud. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It falls into the tree’s lap.”

But historians have been quick to point out that Flash Gordon didn’t lead the Hawkmen in battle against the RAF.

”The Hawkmen weren’t formed as an official aerial militia until the mid-twentieth century,” a famous historian said, “so it’s possible Trump has both the forces involved, the technology, the combatants, the war itself and the dates confused.”

Others have been less kind and suggested that with Trump as Commander in Chief America has temporarily replced Bomber Command with Dumber Command.

Lincoln caged for 4th of July so he can’t escape Trump’s parade

THE PAST IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY : News today that the Abraham Lincoln memorial in Washington has been caged for the entirety of the 4th of July, so Abraham Lincoln can’t escape President Donald Trump’s military parade.

”It’s Lincoln’s fault,” a spokesman for the Trump White House, A Spinchter, told LCD Views, “he turns up each morning on the lawn outside the President’s office. Trump has to go out and shout at him to go away. He’s very judgemental of Donald Trump. He doesn’t understand how hard Trump fights for freedom.”

Suggestions that Abraham Lincoln isn’t actually leaving the memorial to walk about and upset Trump have been dismissed.

”The President isn’t dreaming this. Lincoln actually does this. He needs to be restrained. The last time he turned up he said ‘Four score and seven years ago Donald Trump bankrupted his first casino’. It’s disrespectful.”

But there won’t be any such shows of disrespect for Trump’s military parade to celebrate Independence Day, with the cage now being fitted and locked about the memorial.

”We’ve gagged Lincoln too. If he starts banging on about equality of all people and how they had a whole civil war about the evils of white supremacism, well Trump will probably lose it. Right when he wants to see the big shiny guns fired.”

It’s believed Trump is close to a Twitter storm targeted at Lincoln, but is holding off until he can find Abe’s twitter handle. He may in fact have already blocked Trump to save himself the irritation of Trumpster pile ons.

”Once the parade is over we’ll take the cage away. After that Ivanka will talk to Mr Lincoln. He’s sure to listen to what she has to say.”

‘Team America : World Police’ sequel reveals current North Korean leader is far from lonely

AMERICA F*CK YEAH : The long awaited sequel to the smash hit documentary on US-NK relations, ‘Team America’, is out now and it reveals the current North Korean leader is no longer lonely.

”Kim Jong-un’s father, Kim Jong-il was lonely,” our movie critic recalls, “in fact so lonely he used to burst into song so that everybody knew it. This was captured in the first installment of the documentary series, Team America, which took us into the private, inner world of the deceased dictator.”

But times have changed and so have the fortunes of the leader of North Korea.

”The old North Korea faced a hostile America governed by a president who wasn’t the sharpest, but he certainly wasn’t about to jump on a plane and validate a murderous dictator happily, and unnecessarily, starving his own people. But in Donald Trump Kim Jong-un has found a man with a bigger heart and an imagination to match.”

The sequel allows us to follow Donald and Kim about as they show the world that the tyranny of distance, in terms of governance, no longer applies.

”This is a friendship that has made the world sit up and take notice,” our critic says, “basically the old rules are binned. No more paying lip service to pretending everyone should have a bite of the democracy cake. In fact it seems more like it’s the other way around, as it’s hard to name a tyrant Donald Trump wouldn’t validate.”

But the real winner is of course Kim Jong-un. The moment Donald walked across that border from South to North Korea, next to Kim, the world could see no one can build a wall between these two.

Donald Trump launches Twitterstorm against a llama after Dalai Lama’s comments

TWO L’s FOR THE PRICE OF ONE : Following the Dalai Lama’s recent comments on Twitter in which he described Donald Trump as having “a lack of moral principle”, the leader of the free world has reacted as only he could.

He has demanded a llama be brought to the White House for him to punch on a daily basis, after first softening him up with a social media one two.

He made the following statement on Twitter:

“The Daily Llama has a lack of intelevisual – uh, interrogatory – uh, brains. Did he get voted president of the United States? No. Loser. So I’m going to show him what I think of him by adding a daily llama punching spot in my routine. And the biggest Twitter storm the world has ever seen. Just so many tweets. That’ll show him.”

Animal rights groups across America are up in arms at the suggestion. Activist Annie Malreitz had this to say:

“Has nobody explained to him that the Dalai Lama isn’t a llama? He shouldn’t go attacking innocent animals just because he can’t spell.”

Rumours are circulating at the moment that senior members of Trump’s cabinet are commissioning a series of llama-shaped pinatas for Trump to beat to a pulp until he forgets what he was doing it for in the first place.

However these reports are as yet unconfirmed. If true, it would provide Trump with some harmless target for his aggressive tendencies, although the thought of Trump in violent mode with a baseball bat or other such weapon in his hand might not be the wisest course of action. Anyone in the vicinity is liable to get injured, including himself.

Whether the pinatas will be full of sweets as per tradition is also uncertain, as it’s just as likely they’ll be filled with Big Macs instead.


Trump offers Johnson Melania as stand-in for Carrie Symonds

In the wake of PM wannabe Boris Johnson’s split with girlfriend Carrie Symonds, help for his lovelife has come from an unlikely source, Donald Trump.

Speaking at a press conference last night, he said:

“I understand Boris is in a bit of trouble, so if he becomes Prime Minister I would like to offer him Melania to use as his new girlfriend.”

This move, while full of the misogyny we’ve come to expect from both parties, is still by Trump’s standards rather generous. Or so it first appeared.

He went on to say:

“One of my advisors tells me there have been rumours of a plot to asinine, uh, astrogate, uh, kill me. He suggested some people have mistaken Boris for me – which well they might, he’s a handsome guy, not as handsome as me of course but still pretty handsome, I don’t mean that in a nasty way that would upset Pence, just one straight guy complicating, uh, complaining, uh, saying something nice about another guy’s looks, you know, so I figured if someone who people say looks a bit like me is spotted with Melania, then they might assume it to be me and take their shots at him instead,

”Plus I’m hearing more rumours that Melania is only staying with me for my money, so if they get her too then she can’t get my money, oh no, I’ve made arrangements to take it with me if I die, which I won’t anyway so she can’t have it so there.”

This amounts to nothing less than the leader of the free world using one of our own politicians as a body double to foil an assassination attempt – the bald eagle has landed, if you will. It creates quite a dilemma for the patriot, unsure of where to stand, as some have expressed vocal approval at the idea of Boris’s demise but not for the benefit of Trump.

In any case, Boris’s reaction to the news was predictable:

“By golly gosh phwoar, oh yes I’ll have myself some of that, I’ll give Melania a good seeing to, you bet, she’s a bit of a hottie that one, oh yes!”

Whether Melania is a gold-digger or not, this reporter is not going to venture an opinion, but sufficing to say, if and when she does get her hands on Trump’s fortune, she will have more than earned every penny of it.

‘…land of the free and the home of the brave?’ removed from ‘Star-Spangled Banner’

TRUMP REICHS ON: News today of the latest executive order from the golf course President Donald Trump.

‘…land of the free and the home of the brave?’ has been removed from ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ by executive order of the President.

The move to update the lyrics of the famous national anthem of the United States of America comes after a push to align the song more closely with the regime currently governing the country.

”It shows how smart Donald Trump is,” a Trump apologist explained, “people hear the song and get the wrong idea about what sort of country the Trump government wants to create. A white country. You know. Skin tone based.”

The line itself was targeted for special attention because the bravery required to reach the USA and cross its borders is not matched by the level of freedom you can now expect once you get here. And because it’s a question and by Donald Trump, it’s been answered.

Suggestions that attention should be given to building the countries on the USA’s southern border, so people don’t feel compelled to flee, have been dismissed.

”Some people are illegal. Some humans that is. Others are not. It’s perfectly binary. Anyone can understand what we’re about now. America has never been a home for immigrants or the sick, poor and vulnerable fleeing persecution. We sprang from the Earth, history free.”

Other lines are expected to be removed or modified in due course, dependent on just how many kids the regime decides to incarcerate in deserts. What they’ll do with them isn’t yet clear.

”We’re sending a clear message the whole world can understand. We need a national anthem the does the same. It’s just good business and smart politics. It’s a legacy thing.”

Plans to change the lines of the Constitution to make it clear all men are not created equal under God and do not possess certain unalienable rights are also afoot. Or ahoof, in consideration of the devil (and friends) who now rules from the White House.

God save America. But not children caged in deserts, clearly, what sort of Christian would do that?

UN recognises USA as world’s largest Idiocracy

HEADFUL OF DRUMPFS : The United Nations hit the news last September when it formally recognised the UK as the world’s first Idiocracy, and it’s back humming on the news wires today with the follow up announcement that the United States of America is now the world’s largest Idiocracy.

“It’s all thanks to President Donald Trump and the woefully sluggish and inadequate response of the American political system to the rise of the Drumpfster Fire in Chief,” UN specialist rapporteur for idiots, Professor Lord Givemestrength, told LCD Views today (it’s an exclusive), “no one is taking away the United Kingdom’s prize of being first, but it’s a minor player after Donald Trump’s press conference in Ireland.”

The recognition of the USA as being run by idiots shouldn’t be celebrated too hard however, regardless of the extreme lengths taken to achieve the gong.

“They’re exceptionally dangerous idiots, the people in the White House currently. The decision to cut funding to education, medical and recreation facilities for all the kids they’ve locked in cages underlines this in a way we can only hope history will damn with a massive shake of the head. It’s hard not to get away from the suspicion this is being done to cut off those lost kids from outside eyes. What will happen after that? It’s easy to feel a giant shiver running up your spine and just sitting there as a chill.”

Some however have criticised the decision, suggesting that North Korea, and other rogue states, would be more suited to the accolade, just through the sheer length of time they’ve been governed by maniacs.

“They’re so far playing Trump like a fiddle, so they don’t enter the running,” Professor Lord explained, “just imagine electing a guy who boasted about sexual assault, mocked disabilities and is kinda partial to white supremacists as your head of state? And then just let him tour the world actually talking for years afterwards? That’s a world class display of idiocy that only the UK is able to hold a candle to at present.”

There was a warning for the UK though.

“If you actually stop Brexit you’ll almost certainly lose your official title, you’ll always be remembered as the first, but you’ll go back to being a boring country working in partnership by and large with your neighbours and allies, which will be no bad thing.”

And if we don’t? And we Brexit and attempt a trade deal with the USA?

“Then you’ll be the worst dumbest idiocracy. I’d think long and hard about the path your leaders are taking you down if I were you.”

Trump to start travelling with giant lego to prove he can build a wall anywhere

ONCE UPON A TIME : American President Donald Trump used a press conference in Ireland today to announce he is to start travelling with giant lego bricks to prove he can build a wall anywhere.

Initially the press conference got off to a shaky start when Trump, surprisingly appearing to be ill informed and just talking out of his ass, gave the impression he believed Ireland to be a state in America.

”Perhaps you could tell us about walls?” his host gently steered Trump towards a specialist subject, away from simple geography, and things improved.

”I love walls,” the President immediately enthused, “did you know that some even hold up roofs? Not many people know that. Others can be used to stop undesirables coming to steal your horses. I hear you want a wall here in Ireland. I’ve some lego bricks with me, let me show you how to build it. I can build a wall anywhere. I really know how to create distance between me and whoever I’m visiting.”

There was a slight delay at that point as aides to the president rushed to retrieve his giant lego blocks from one of the cars in his entourage. But soon enough the big kid was building, or at least attempting to.

”Perhaps if you place the side with the cavities on top of the sides with the round bumps?” his host assisted again, “you’ll see they fit together.”

Trump didn’t seem to like that too much.

”I’m the builder here,” he retorted and managed, with some effort, to fit two bricks together.

He was off to the races then.

”Do you want to see how high I can make it?” he asked.

”Yes please. Can you build it over your head?” his host replied.

”I can too,” Trump replied and set about walling himself up right there in the interview.

And for a moment, as the lego brick wall rose and he vanished from sight, the world momentarily seemed a little bit saner, as if he wasn’t there at all.

Trump shocked to find only two old ladies in England after everyone else is hidden

NO COUNTRY FOR TINY HANDED MEN : President (seriously America) Donald Trump took to Twitter today to express his shock at finding only two old ladies live in England.

”Not many people know this,” POTUS tweeted, “but let me tell you, because no one else will tell you, England is not what they want you to believe. The fake news won’t tell you. Only two old ladies live in England. The capital of Limey Land is empty.”

Trump went on to reveal he’d discovered that even the two old ladies inhabited no go zones.

”It’s like they say on FOX. You can’t go anywhere. And if you do, there’s nobody there anyway. Sad. So sad. They let so many illegal immigrants in everyone left. Even the ILLEGALS!”

Responding to the tweet thousands of people attempted to explain that there are millions of people living in England, but 45 is so despised no one is allowed within blocks of his presence. Except for the two old ladies, and they don’t have a choice in the matter.

Theresa May because she was stupid enough to invite him over in the first place, and the Queen because a curious definition of duty implores her to entertain whoever the occupant of No 10 is stupid enough to invite over, should that person be a deplorable like Donald Trump.

But all was not lost for Trump.

”The really old lady has lots of gold. So much gold. You never seen so much gold, unless you’ve been lucky enough to ride in my lift. I’m going to sell her chicken,” he added, “just the greatest chickens. So clean. So, so chlorinated. And then I’ll build a wall around the old ladies and call the really old one’s home Trumpingham Palace. So much harm. I’m pure ham? Who knew!”

We knew Donald. We already knew.

His visit continues and while it does the people will continue to be kept out of view.