Lazarus and Jesus to self isolate together so there’s no risk of contradicting Trump

ROLL THE STONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO YOUR HOME : LCD VIEWS can report on a surprising, breaking news story today as famous figures, historical and modern, react to the call to go home and stay home during the Covid-19 crisis.

Shortly before dawn (GMT) a scruffy, woke looking bloke, in what appeared to be an old fashioned robe, took his place behind a podium in a room full of chairs, but no reporters.

The individual identified himself by pointing to a name stitched in script on the back of his robe ‘J. H. Christ’.

There was only one other individual present in the room. A man of indeterminate age who was wrapped head to toe in white sheets, as if preparing to thwart the zombie apocalypse by blending in.

His complexion was described as “pallid, with colour returning later” by experts on social media who watched the press conference live on their screens,

“People have been asking, as the pandemic sweeps the globe, ‘What would Jesus do?’,” Mr Christ begun, “well, I can tell you. After much consultation today I have taken the decision to self-isolate for the duration of the pandemic crisis.”

Mr Christ further revealed, “this has not been an easy decision. I do like to do a lot of walking of the Earth. But I believe it is vital to give medical researchers as much time as possible to get in front of the Covid-19 crisis. And I will not be alone. Lazarus will be joining me. We are going to drink a lot of wine, so long as the water supply isn’t affected. We are also going to eat a lot of bread with fish, so long as I don’t drink too much wine and eat the last remaining bread and fish at midnight in a feast.”

Mr Christ went on to explain that one of the primary motivations for the action was to not risk “contradicting that madman in the White House who asserted that ‘people are dying who have never died before’. Oh my God. I couldn’t believe. Neither could my dad.”

But while the example set is excellent, as soon as Mr Christ opened up to questions sent in via social media, what was a fairly staid press briefing steadily became chaotic.

“Y dont u heel the sick?” Badgerboy76 demanded.

“Rite move Jaysus. U too old to risk catchin it” Devote123456789 added.

Many more comments came in along these lines, before a perplexed looking Mr Christ left the podium.

“Now this is a right pickle,” he muttered, “I will go and walk among the olive trees and decide what’s the best thing to do. But I believe the first thing I will do is go and check this Trump quote at Snopes.”

Trump suspends travel from Europe except UK because Covid-19 can’t be spread by English‬ speakers

PATIENT COVFEFE : US President for Life, Donald Trump, has today announced measures to make the EU his scapegoat for his bungled handling of the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re banning all air travel from the European Union,” the orange supernova stated, “just until we can build a wall in the middle of the Atlantic. It’s going to be the greatest wall. Just the greatest. It will be a sea wall. It will be made from seas. Not many people know this, but the European Union is going to pay for it.”

But while going after the EU states, Donald Trump has excepted Ireland and the UK.

“I want to thank my servant Boris Johnson for doing his part to not show up my bunglering of this Italian flu. Delaying the UK province’s response to the crisis has given me the time I need to allow the crisis to escalate to the point where I can be a hero and act to stop it.”

Downing Street hasn’t commented on the statements from the White House yet.

“We’re waiting for our statement to be written in Washington and faxed to us,” a Downing Street source explained.

But it’s believed allowing Trump to set the pace is giving Mr Johnson more time to relax.

“We now have the best cold and flu numbers in the United States. The health sector is going to make a killing, which is in line with my attempts to gaslight a virus,” Mr Trump added, “people can still come here from the UK’s, all of them, as we all know the Coronavirus, in fact all the beer ones, can’t be transmitted by speaking English.”

American War of Independence declared a massive waste of time

ABSOLUT MONARCHY : Historians from the Institute of Institutes have declared their conclusion after a long running study into what came after the Revolutionary War, or the American War of Independence.

“I’ll start with the footnotes to our study,” Doctor History said, shuffling piles of documents about, “most of these papers contain screenshots of Donald Trump tweets, there just supporting evidence for our conclusions. Anyway. You know how you have this de facto royal family ruling American now? The Trumps? You know how they’ve this interesting habit of taking money from charities for their own use? And you’ve seen how that doesn’t seem to dent their support within the Republican Party, or the Trump electorate? What do you think about that?”

The Doctor paused in a way you would have to describe as pregnant, before continuing.

“Have you seen that image going around Twitter declaring Trump ‘King of the United States’? What do you think about that?”

Thereafter followed a lot of boring, nerd stuff about how the statue in the image is of George Washington, and the unintended irony of the banner’s positioning.

Finally though the good doctor got to the point of it all.

“Donald Trump, King of America? He will be if re-elected, in spite of all the obvious idiocy, bigotry, disregard for the constitution, nepotism, presumed collusion with foreign powers and malfeasance in office, oh and abuse of power. I mean what’s the point of it all?”

The point of what? The American War of Independence?

“That’s it. Total waste of time. May as well have saved yourselves the bother and remained under the yoke of tyranny across the pond. Rather than getting all worked up about taxation without representation, only to eventually elect a man to office who boasts about not paying tax towards representation, as if that’s the act of a statesman?”

So it was all just a total waste of time?

“That’s what we’ve decided at the Institute for Institutes. And if you don’t sort yourselves out in the United Kingdom, the same will be said for The Glorious Revolution.”

Experts? Pah! People have had quite enough of them! Oh, and non-corrupt elected representation.

Devil updates his magic number from 666 to 52/48 – gets tattoo on forehead

INK’D INTO HISTORY : THE DEVIL HIMSELF has reacted swiftly to the totally legitimate acquittal of US President (for life) Donald Trump, and moved to make a change that’s more than symbolic.

“It’s not my work,” the Devil said, commenting on the swift wrapping up of the impeachment trial of Mr Drumpf, “although I wish it was. To see a trial with no witnesses called, because they can’t be for fear of proof of guilt, that’s a masterpiece right there. And to have so many of the jurors announce, before the trial had even started, that they’d settled on an innocent verdict of someone so unashamedly guilty? Magnificent. America! F*ck Yeah!”

And while the endorsement of the trial’s outcome by the Lord of Lies isn’t surprising, it has raised a few eyebrows.

“It certainly seems to have stuffed up the libtard snowflakes,” the Devil continued, “many of them seemed to believe that Mr Trump was me. Touchingly naive. No. No. I just extended Donald a line of credit in exchange for his one immortal asset [dreamy smile]. As soon as he started caging kids I knew he was making America just the kind of great I want it to be. Not to mention all the misogyny and nepotism. It really is refreshing to see someone do so much of your work for you, and for so little in return.”

But what about rumours that the Devil is making a change as a result of the trial’s outcome?

“Yes, 52/48? It really is a magical number. Just look at Brexit and now the Senate result favouring Donnie. Clearly 52/48 is more powerful than 666. So I’m updating the tattoo on my forehead accordingly. 52/48 all the way!”

Donald Trump to build a wall to stop climate change and make Greta Thunberg pay for it

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS TO COMPLEX PROBLEMS : World famous climate scientist, presidential hobbyist and aspiring golfer, Donald Trump, has stunned Davos.

“Everyone already knows Mr Trump has a mind like a taser, not that you’d know from how he carries himself, just from the unexpectedly shocking things he says,” our Davos insider comments, “he’s not one to blow his own trumpet. Although I think he could if he took up yoga. He’s such a natural athlete.”

But Mr Trump’s athleticism is not what’s causing the stir.

“It’s climate change,” our Davos correspondent goes on, “he’s hit on a simple solution that will solve it. This has been appreciated by the other world leaders, megalomaniacs and billionaires who were too busty scratching their heads over what happened to the Paris Accord to do it.”

And the solution itself is not a new one, for humans faced with certain threat. But it has taken a genius to apply it to climate.

“At first Mr Trump thought about threatening Climate Change with nuclear war over Twitter. He discarded that as too explosive. Then he thought about doing a deal with it to get it to change back. But while combing his crazed hair with his tiny hands he remembered climate change caused that. So he didn’t want to be in the same room as it. It was then he had the lightbulb moment.”

What is it?

“It’s a fairly standard way of lighting interiors since the late 19th century. I would have thought you’d have heard of it.”

No. Not light bulbs. Trump’s solution to climate change?

Oh, he’s going to build a wall to stop it and get Greta Thunberg to pay for it.”

Donald Trump fails to notice his pet goldfish died of neglect after White House staff replace with similar one

CLOSE CALL : THE WHITE HOUSE was almost in nuclear level meltdown this week after US President Donald Trump’s pet Goldfish (called ‘Just the greatest gold fish, you’ve never seen a gold fish so gold, not many people know this, but this is the goldest goldfish’, or ‘Fish’ for short) died.

The fish itself is believed to have been a gift from a well wisher for one of Donald Trump’s children, but he liked it so much he kept it for himself. In an oval fish tank, on his desk, a tank with no corners.

“While the rumour regarding Fish’s origins is well known, it’s not true,” a White House warden told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “he was bought the fish by FLOTUS Melania after her therapist recommended it. The thinking being that if Mr Trump could learn to care for a gold fish, he might learn to care for bigger things? A pretty dodgy line of thinking, if you ask me. It’s unlikely he has the mental age for such a serious responsibility.”

However, the timely replacement of Fish is thought to have had global implications, with staff racing to the nearest aquarium shop while Mr Trump was distracted by golf. Oh, and the Iran crisis. He was definitely paying attention to that too. He wasn’t eating a cheeseburger in the toilet the whole time, ranting on Twitter.

“Mr Trump would probably have launched an air strike against whatever rogue state he decided assass…asshat..assassineted…killed Fish. But with Fish 2nd in the oval bowl catastrophe was averted.”

But how come the staff were able to fool a man who describes his own brain as the greatest brain?

“Fish 2nd looks almost exactly the same as Fish 1st, I don’t think he’s sat still long enough to notice any difference. Although there was a tense moment when Fist 1st was flushed down the Oval Office toilet, in case Mr Trump walked in and noticed.”

US Congress to limit Trump’s bombing powers to targeting places whose names he can spell

SHORT LIST OF HARD TARGETS JUST GOT SHORTER : THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS is to take a determined step this week to prevent another mad conflagration beginning in the Middle East.

The move is in reaction to the threats by tantrum thrower in chief, Donald ‘dummy’ Trump, to blow up the cultural heritage of EyeRan, I Run, Eran? Or however the hell you spell it.

The motivation for the belligerence is obvious. He’s on trial in the Senate.

“It’s funny when you think about it,” a White House insider told LCD Views, “just a couple of years ago a murderous religious sect, IS, was tearing about the Middle East blowing up precious, irreplaceable archaeology and we were all justifiably horrified. And now today? The actual President of the United States is threatening to do the same over Twitter! And there’s no question of removing him from his post over it? Mad times. Just batshit. I guess this is what you get when you elect a man to the highest office who’s on tape boasting about sexual assault. Well done America. Really setting the standard.”

How the Senate will move to protect the world’s cultural heritage is obvious.

“They’re aiming to pass a new law limiting the powers of the Commander in Chief to start wars, or even just attack places. Simple when you think about it. Give Donnie Drumpf a test so hard he can’t pass it.”

And what form will the test take?

“Oh, they’re going to make it illegal for Trump to order an attack on anywhere he can’t spell. This will limit his range of targets to buildings with the name ‘Trump’ on them. But they won’t be on the list either, because no one anywhere is mad enough to consider them cultural heritage.”

Downing Street – Johnson agrees 2020 holiday schedule in line with Trump’s bombing plans

GROUND TO ZERO : THE BRITISH PUBLIC is taking a deep breath today after confirmation from a reliable Downing Street ‘source’ that Boris Johnson’s people have agreed his 2020 holiday schedule.

“It’s a result of high level discussions between the UK and USA governments,” the source misinforms, “Mr Johnson was a bit flabbergasted to be midway through an expensive island holiday when Drumpf only went and blew up that Iranian guy. He didn’t even talk to Boris about it first. Pretty extraordinary stuff.”

It’s believed the discussions focused on how to avoid a similar PR disaster for 10 Downing Street next time.

“It’s bloody obvious people are going to need to be blown up all through 2020,” the source continues, “it’s not just the need to deflect attention away from Trump’s impeachment trial, but he needs to get re-elected if the moral voids fronting for sociopathic business in the House of Reps acquit him. He needs a lot of explosions that he will definitely look back on. Real man or not.”

From Downing Street’s point of view it is preferable that Mr Johnson isn’t midway through a holiday when the drones strike.

“It’s a messy PR situation,” the source grimaced, “if he was at the start of the holiday everyone could see it’s only fair that Mr Johnson be allowed to complete it. I mean he’s only just got there with his damn fine filly. You can hardly expect them to turn right back around and come home. But midway through? Will travel insurance even cover the cost? I mean, Trump has declared himself God. So it’s an act of God, right? Some might even suggest Boris and Carrie should enjoy the rest of their weekend and get on a plane, after all they’ve been away for weeks. So best to get schedules aligned.”

But others have suggested that as Trump is going to be trigger happy all year that Mr Johnson should holiday in Florida. More specifically at Mar-a-Lago, as it’s likely a responsible statesman like Trump will give the orders to blow people up while golfing.

Boris Johnson to spend rest of holiday on Mustique hiding in a fridge

GET WAR DONE : Boris Johnson is reported to be absolutely livid with his boss Donald Trump. The anger occurred after hearing the news of Trump’s lethal drone strike against a very busy Iranian general few had heard of, until Trump ordered him blown up.

“It was good enough for Clinton to blow something up during impeachment proceedings, it’s good enough for Trump,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views,

“the choice of target is obvious. Clinton was allegedly only trying to deflect attention away from a blowjob, so he went small in scale, if not in unintentional impact. Trump is trying to distract from an accusation of criminality on a massive scale. He went really big. Potentially WW3 big. Which is something we can all be thankful for. Imagine if America had decided having a racist, sex offending sociopath, clearly off his fucking rocker, as president was just a bad idea, and had gotten rid of him by now?”

We can imagine.

“We’re completely baffled though why Trump didn’t tell us he was going to do it? I thought we were bigly friends? Just the greatest friends. You’ve never seen friends so bigly,” the source added,

“and let me tell you folks, the UK under Johnson is really important to Donald Trump. He must have been too busy at the time. It’s the only reason I can think of for him not telling us first. We’re so close. Real bosom buddies,

“and given the way his attack puts the lives of hundreds of British personnel in danger, there’s no way he wouldn’t tell us first without a good reason. Because it’s not like he doesn’t give a shit and we’re daft to be cutting ourselves adrift from the EU and allying ourselves closely with a cheeto faced buffoon who will happily use us as sacrificial pawns as his insane regime crumbles into murderous insanity.”

But the air of confusion over the attack is rumoured to extend to the Foreign Office too.

Foreign Secretary, Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab, is said to be completely flummoxed. He’s only just realised ‘Iran’ is more than a way to describe moving between two geographically different locations at speed, and on foot.”

But how will Mr Johnson react to the attack, its ramifications for British personnel and interests in the Middle East?

“He’s going to hide in a fridge,” the source shrugged, “standard protocol for a bully sensing danger. He’s advising British interests in the Middle East to do the same. Get hiding in a walk in done. There’s no situation which a game of hide and seek won’t solve. And he’s taking both Mustique and that other girl Carrie? They’re going to hide with him. He’ll find a way to pass the time until the mushroom clouds blow over.”

Donald Trump offers to stop Australia burning by nuking it

The East coast of Australia is on fire, and there seems to be no end to the devastation. But help is at hand. Climate change expert and top meteorologist Donald Trump has offered to help by nuking the fires.

“My thoughts and prayers are with the people of Austria,” Trump tweeted erroneously. “But be assured, America’s unclear capabilities are ready and waiting to come to your aid.”

It is well known that nukes can eliminate hurricanes, but forest fires? It would be like, well, fighting fire with fire, claimed inferno expert Chuck Waters.

“I hardly need to be an expert to tell you that Trump is, once again, talking bollocks,” said an exasperated Waters. “I’m afraid it’s that redneck attitude, that guns solve everything, isn’t it? Except that the President has biglier and betterer guns than everybody else.”

The counter from the President’s private restroom was immediate. “Donald Trump has seven degrees in meteriol… metroligery… weather,” he retorted. “This is a unclear WITCH HUNT by the wicked Dems! Trump knows best! But the Dems don’t care about the burning Austrians! Sad!”

Mystified Austrians have been reported as looking out at the snow-covered Alps, and wondering why Donald Trump was threatening to nuke them.

Meanwhile, the Australian government was too busy blaming the EU for the fires to respond to Trump.

Trump, having got into his stride, continued to troll the world with his disintegrating sense of reality. “The Austrians should have raked up their leaves,” he tweeted. “Falling leaves makes a forest fire much much worser, FACT!”

So would he concentrate his nuclear arsenal on the raked forests only?

“There are good fires and bad fires on both sides,” he replied enigmatically. “But as it’s Christmas I will nuke them all. Make Austria great again!”

The dreadful catastrophe may well be a harbinger of things to come worldwide, but with Donald Trump offering to nuke our problems, we can all sleep that little bit easier.