Trump offers to sell presidency to Biden for $1.1bn, a pardon and a life supply of Big Macs

POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.

The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.

“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”

But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.

“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.

“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”

That much is obvious.

“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”

Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library to contain only shredded documents

READ IT AND SHRED IT : GREAT NEWS TODAY for patriots with US flag emoji’s in their social media profiles, all over the world, with the announcement of the final plans for the Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library.

The Presidential Library is a tradition to honour outgoing US presidents and is intended to symbolise their commitment to learning and the sanctity of accrued human knowledge.

“The Donald Trump library will be no different,” a White House insider tells LCD Views, “it will perfectly symbolise Mr Trump’s personal commitment to the classics. In this case the classics of office equipment, and of course crayons.”

The office equipment alluded to will be paper shredders.

“The paper shredder has long been a stalwart of the type of businessman, and lately president, that Mr Trump has been. So the library will have displays of the evolution of this vital device. Starting of course with a plaster mould of Mr Trump’s hands, as they were his very first shredder.”

Life size plaster mould of Donnie’s hands?

“No. Clearly that would just make them harder to find. The display will be three or four times life size.”

But it’s not just the machines, and busy little hands, that will be in the tower shaped library. Millions of actual documents from Mr Trump’s time in office will also be stored.

“In boxes, on the shelves, but not categorised. It will add to the fun for researchers visiting the institution.”

Special tables will be provided for people to tip the document piles out onto and they can then spend hours piecing it all together.

“Visitors will be encouraged to tweet out their discoveries as they go, it’s going to be just the greatest visitor experience.”

And what about the crayons? Will Mr Trump’s art feature on the walls?

“No. Sadly Donald ate all the documents he personally produced, pretty much always in the moments after he completed his mark making.”

BREAKING : Man size pacifier delivered to White House in emergency mission by Marine One

DUMMY FOR A DUMMY : The skies over Washington DC have been busy overnight as the US President’s helicopter, Marine One, was called into action on an emergency mission.

News that big baby Donnie has still not slept through the night since the confirmation of his election loss is believed to be behind the vision that people gathered beyond the fencing surrounding the White House witnessed.

“The UFO appeared in the sky shortly after 1am,” our Washington correspondent reveals, “with the searchlights on top of the White House lighting up what at first appeared to be a large circular object moving erratically through the sky.”

But as the object approached closer to the White House what it was became clear.

“A dummy,” our reporter continues, “which in American currency is called a pacificer.”

And a pacifier is certainly needed, with outgoing President Trump understood to be raging around the historic building and refusing his bottle.

“Melania is shattered. She’s been unable to get him to settle for days. Even threatening a screen ban hasn’t worked. Which is a shame, FOX pivoted in the winds has only made his tantrum worse.”

Hopes are the pacifier will at least give Mr Trump’s primary carers a few moments of silence.

“It’s burger flavoured,” our correspondent adds, “so there’s hopes he will at least suck on it as hard as his he’s taking his defeat. If this doesn’t work they’ll have to call for Super Nanny. Or perhaps just sedate him with a tranquiliser gun. All options are still on the table.”

Boris Johnson expected to grant Donald Trump a peerage in New Year’s Honours list

LORD DRUMPF OF HOTAYRSHIRE : The fake news printing press is never cold where Boris Johnson and Donald ‘Gonad’ Trump are concerned, and there’s no news more fake than this article.

Which is not to say it isn’t true. And rumours this morning that Boris Johnson is expected to elevate his buddy across the pond, Donald Trump, to the House of Lords in the New Year’s Honours List are only fuelling the speculation of what’s to come.

“Just because the Queen won’t have to host another Trump state visit, doesn’t mean our aged monarch is completely rid of him,” our international correspondent reports, “with Mr Trump expected to be on The Queen’s Honours List as 2020 grudgingly gives way to its sequel.”

What party affiliation Mr Trump will take in the UK’s second chamber isn’t clear, with the automatic assumption he will take the Tory whip undermined by the associated rumours regarding Mr Trump’s plans.

“It’s thought that once Mr Trump is dragged out of the Oval Office he will flee to the UK, hence the news about his elevation to the House of Lords. But, and this is the important point, he’s expected then to run for the leadership of UKIP. That said, it won’t make him the first UKIP peer, because the Tory Party is now UKIP. But for appearances sake he may nominally take the UKIP whip, because he will be the whip.”

And the Lordship of Trump raises additional queries about who will be Lady Trump.

“Potentially one of the Melania’s, but it’s always possible they will have divorced him before it occurs. In which case his daughter will most likely be Lady Drumpf.”

But Lord and Lady Drumpf of where?

“Ayrshire, due to Trump’s ownership of a golf club there,” our correspondent confirms, “however the area will change name to accommodate Lord Drumpf and become Hotayrshire.”

Joe Biden to convert the White House nursery back into the Oval Office

THROWING THE TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM: And then putting them away tidily. New President-elect Joe Biden has a bit of tidying up to do before normal service can be resumed.

The once-hallowed Oval Office has been redecorated during the Trump tenure. The walls have been covered with childish drawings and star charts. One such piece of paper (believed by experts to be a spelling test) reads “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV”.

There is a jar of instant coffee on a desk littered with crayons and empty Big Mac cartons. The label has been torn off, and replaced with the handwritten legend “Covfefe”.

To one side is a garish pink plastic dressing-up table, decorated with unicorns (believed to be a gift from the minders of his transatlantic cousin, Boris Johnson).There are unused tubes of make-up everywhere, and in every colour – except orange.

Biden’s henchmen are already eyeing up other possible alterations. The sign on the door will have to go, as it currently reads “Donnie’s room”.

“There is much work to do,” sighed representative Amanda Lukupto. “We believe that Trump chose the Oval Office as a playroom because it didn’t have any horrid corners to bash his little hands on. We would like to force Donald to clear up his own mess and put his own toys away, but unfortunately it looks like he will just get Rudi Guiliani to chuck a lawsuit at us instead. So it looks like the grown-ups will have to do it after all. He will lose his phone privileges for a week, though!”

That would be no bad thing, given the increasingly deranged tweets the alleged President has fired off recently. “STOP THE COUNT!” was one surplus vowel from being the most immense self-own we have yet seen.

The whole operation may take months, and be very expensive. In fact, it may prove simpler all round to lock the door (with Trump still inside) and convert the genuine White House nursery into a replica Oval Office.

Donald Trump becomes the first serving US President to enter the Witless Protection programme


“Shortly after midnight Donald Trump’s Twitter account fell silent,” our White House correspondent says, “and it wasn’t because he had been sedated with just the biggest dose of Calpol and put to bed with a clean nappy, as suggested at the time by many.”

The reason for the silence was the President seeking the protection of law enforcement out of a concern for his safety, now he has lost the most powerful office in the world.

“There’s no suggestion he has sought to protect his family,” our correspondent continues, “although it is believed he may have taken his favourite Melania lookalike with him, along with a supply of Big Macs.”

Why the President would seek protection is not yet clear and we will not spread fake news hypothesising on the subject.

“This is truly a world first by Mr Trump. Richard Nixon sought a pardon and left office with as much dignity as he could manage, in the end. But most wrongly expected Mr Trump to be dragged out kicking and screaming at the very end.”

How long Mr Trump will stay in protection isn’t yet clear and will probably depend on the attitude of his creditors, both visible and shady, to his debts.

“But let us be clear. This is a world first by Mr Trump. He has become the first serving President of the United States of America to enter the Witless Protection Programme, after spelling Witness wrong on his application form.”

Donald Trump lists Oval Office desk on Ebay

RESOLUTE AND DESTITUTE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP has some questions to answer today after Oval Office furniture began appearing on popular auction site Ebay. Overnight.

The listings began to appear shortly after Mr Trump stopped tweeting for the night and were posted by a user called ‘MAGAdump12345’.

While it is not confirmed that the account belongs to Mr Trump, with some claiming the process of setting up the account would exhaust his attention span, the listings all say that the items will not be delivered and must be collected from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washingtun, 20006.

“The misspelling of Washington clearly points directly to Donald Trump,” our White House correspondent suggests, “even though his attorney, Rudi G, has attempted to deflect the accusations by claiming that Mr Trump can’t have listed the furniture for sale because he can’t count up to 1600.”

Other suspects do include Mr Trump’s family, with particular interest in his children and their spouses. Those bastions of virtue and probity.

“What is known is that the Trumps owe A LOT of money to someone. And it’s possible it’s not someone very forgiving. If Daddy Trump can’t cling onto the Resolute Desk as president, it’s reasonable to expect him to steal it and flog it off so he can meet next months interest repayments.”

And there’s some bad news in the listings for outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, and the rest of his flagshagging clique.

“The bust of Winston Churchill is listed in the items for sale,” our correspondent reveals, “Winstun Church Hill – statue of breasts. It’s not yet clear if there’s any word that ends in -on that Mr Trump is able to spell correctly, but at least he’s trying his bestest.”

The auctions are all set to close soon and cash is preferred. Preferably unmarked bills deposited at a shady address.

Priory begins treating patients addicted to refreshing CNN US election results

REFRESH REFRESH : THE WORLD FAMOUS PRIORY CLINIC in London has begun accepting a new kind of addict.

“We treat a wide range of mental disorders, OCD, addictions and so on,” a Doctor claiming to work at the clinic told LCD Views, “with our peaceful, sweeping grounds and comfortable rooms in our beautiful Grade 1 listed building we’re well equipped to help patients find and achieve tranquillity.”

And tranquillity is currently in short supply all over the world as the US election result grinds itself out over days.

“We’re well placed to help people addicted to CNN,” the doctor continues, “we have removed all refresh buttons and capability from all digital devices on or in our grounds. We also have a bald eagle permanently aloft, which is trained to take down drones. Should any addict attempt to have a smart phone with a topped up data allowance dropped over the wall.”

The main place addicts are getting their hits appear to be the website below :

“That website is really just a bit of old school weed. But importantly we are finding it is a gateway drug to the harder stuff,” the doctor warns, “patients often began using it recreationally late on the 3rd of November, but then proceeded to go for the crystal meth of erection results, which is the 24 hour news channel.”

“If you are worried about anyone close to you. If you think they have developed compulsive refresh behaviour I would suggest you plug their ears so they can’t hear Key Race Alerts. That’s essentially like smoking crack. And once a user starts on that, without help, there’s little chance of them coming back.”

US poll day scandal occurs as Melania Trump filmed voting multiple times

BODY DOUBLE EXPONENTIAL : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP received a welcome boost as polls began to open across America today as his alleged wife Melania Trump was filmed voting, again and again.

“There is no need to investigate this,” a White House staffer told LCD Views, “it’s merely a sign of the lingering strength of support for the Covid Spreader in Chief. And really we should be celebrating, it’s the first time Melania has enjoyed a multiple of anything while with Trump.”

But while the White House is surprisingly nonchalant about the footage, even more surprising given how concerned Donald Trump is with voter fraud, others are demanding to know how Melania did it? And will the ballots be voided?

“If Donald Trump has invented a teleportation device than he should tell us,” a keen Trump watcher said, as they ground their knuckles into their eyes, “as that would convince many that he is a very stable genius with the best brain.”

And it is conceivable that Mr Trump has invented a Star Trek style transportation system, clearly arousing from his Space Force programme.

“He’s already invented a time machine, we’ve been in the 1930’s for years now, steadily grinding on towards 1939. So why not teleportation?”

But the actual reason for the numerous incidences of Melania Trump filmed voting in dozens of places simultaneously is much more banal.

“Every Melania body double gets a vote,” our election analyst notes, “whether or not they go to vote in character is their personal choice.”

At what time today the actual Melania Trump will vote is unclear, with many believing she has already fled the USA and is back living anonymously in a village in Europe.

Trump signs executive order – all votes cast Nov 3rd by voters without CV-19 will be invalid


The order is aimed to limit the spread of Covid-19 on polling day, which the president is said to be exceptionally concerned about.

“This is why the voting queues for early voting have been miles long,” a White House insider told us, speaking through an ouija board, “so that people don’t give each other the foreign flu. We had to close many polling places because we believe in democracy.”

The new executive order is aimed to build on this work, along with that of MAGA trucks blocking access to voting stations, to ensure social distancing is maintained.

“We’ll also be burning all the mail in ballots,” the insider continued, “just in case they’re contaminated. Which is very possible as most of them have been posted from China. Fact.”

The change to voting eligibility on polling day will require all people presenting to vote to pass a Covid-19 test before receiving their ballot paper.

“Some undemocratic traitors have claimed that we’re only letting people vote who are Covid-19 positive as that proves they’ve been to a Trump rally in the last two weeks. But that is incorrect. They may live with someone who has been to one. Or work with one. Or stood too long next to one at a supermarket. There’s many ways they could have become infected recently.”

Although clearly, attending a Trump rally is the best way to be sure you pass the test and cast your ballot.