The East coast of Australia is on fire, and there seems to be no end to the devastation. But help is at hand. Climate change expert and top meteorologist Donald Trump has offered to help by nuking the fires.
“My thoughts and prayers are with the people of Austria,” Trump tweeted erroneously. “But be assured, America’s unclear capabilities are ready and waiting to come to your aid.”
It is well known that nukes can eliminate hurricanes, but forest fires? It would be like, well, fighting fire with fire, claimed inferno expert Chuck Waters.
“I hardly need to be an expert to tell you that Trump is, once again, talking bollocks,” said an exasperated Waters. “I’m afraid it’s that redneck attitude, that guns solve everything, isn’t it? Except that the President has biglier and betterer guns than everybody else.”
The counter from the President’s private restroom was immediate. “Donald Trump has seven degrees in meteriol… metroligery… weather,” he retorted. “This is a unclear WITCH HUNT by the wicked Dems! Trump knows best! But the Dems don’t care about the burning Austrians! Sad!”
Mystified Austrians have been reported as looking out at the snow-covered Alps, and wondering why Donald Trump was threatening to nuke them.
Meanwhile, the Australian government was too busy blaming the EU for the fires to respond to Trump.
Trump, having got into his stride, continued to troll the world with his disintegrating sense of reality. “The Austrians should have raked up their leaves,” he tweeted. “Falling leaves makes a forest fire much much worser, FACT!”
So would he concentrate his nuclear arsenal on the raked forests only?
“There are good fires and bad fires on both sides,” he replied enigmatically. “But as it’s Christmas I will nuke them all. Make Austria great again!”
The dreadful catastrophe may well be a harbinger of things to come worldwide, but with Donald Trump offering to nuke our problems, we can all sleep that little bit easier.