Downing Street advises Scottish fishermen to retrain as winemakers as EU wine now too expensive

THE CALEDONIAN MERLOT : DOWNING STREET HAVE FINALLY responded to the increasingly desperate cries of Scottish fishermen with some sound and pragmatic advice.

Speaking at a meet and greet with industry representatives, fisherman’s friend and Environmental Secretary George Useless, was ready for whatever they threw at him, be it a dead langoustine or a rotting halibut.

“There’s an emerging market in the United Kingdom for affordable wine,” he told the bearded men, “Brexit looks set to price the French out of our domestic market, except for high net worth individuals like myself and Stanley Johnson. Back to the future you could say, as with all things Brexit!”

When asked what he was talking about specifically Mr Useless said, “Why, wine of course! You can retrain as vintners. Much less risk than sailing the high seas in all weathers. Take a leaf out of the book of ballerinas. They’re retraining in cyber and will all be coders by the weekend. You can do the same, only with vines.”

In order to give the fishermen a leg up it is said the government is providing a support package of £5.99 per fishermen who turns his hand to wine.

“As visionary statesman John Redwood says, there’s a demand that we grow our own and our prevailing climate be damned! Believe in Britain!”

It’s unclear how many fishermen will take up the call, but it’s clear the opportunity is there, with as much as £1.50 expected to go onto a bottle of French plonk now Brexit is done.

We’ll even provide geographical status for the industry. English sparkling for Kent and full bottled Scottish Cabernet Sauvignon across the entirety of the Highlands.”

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