Downing Street announces 2am to 2:15am curfew to crush second Covid wave

IT DOESN’T TAKE A SUPERFORECASTER : DOWNING STREET is high in the international league tables for CV-19 response and with the brains trust firmly in command it is looking to stay there.

“We are looking to ramp up our world beating reputation. This will coincide with the totally unprecedented second wave, which no one forecast when we reopened the entire country at once. As the wave breaks across this green and pleasant, concreted land we will keep our place internationally,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and to ensure that only care homes, and not the NHS, are overwhelmed, we are bringing in new measures to slow the spread and control the virus.”

The new measures will involve restrictions that have not yet been employed in the UK, as so far the Dido Harding Serco Test and Trace system has kept the UK virtually free of Coronavirus. And all at a steal.

“For the first time we will bring in a curfew which will put paid to the gloomsayers who query if we are doing everything we can to keep pubs open just to stop Tim Martin phoning Johnson up at midnight and boring him to tears for hours.”

The curfew will be specifically targeted to hit Covid-19 at the time of its peak activity, as determined by Dominic Cummings’ understanding of the virus, as viewed from a perspective of Sun Tzu.

“2am to 2:15am is when the virus really lets rip. Well not in Global Britain. Not today. Or tonight,” the source adds, “every minute is vital in the fight against this invisible mugger loose on our streets again. But with the 15min circuit breaker, which will be in force from the 31st of November this year, we will send Covid-19 packing!”

*curfew does not apply to Barnard Castle. Any of Robert Jenrick’s homes. Wherever Stanley Johnson happens to be. And anywhere where Boris Johnson is cosplaying as a pleb.

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