Downing Street applies to IMF for emergency loan to fund latest PPE contract

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”

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