Downing Street appoints Nigel Farage as peace envoy to Belfast

WORDS AND PICTURES : 10 DOWNING STREET has smelt the whiff of burning petrochemicals and plastics drifting across the Irish Sea, heard the crash of breaking glass and the scream of sirens in Belfast and decided action must be taken.

“It’s a tricky situation,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The pandemic has done a great job of obscuring the inevitable and multi-faceted harm from Brexit, but that can only be allowed to go on for so long before our polling suffers. But what to use as a cover next?”

It was felt that the eruption of violence on the streets of Belfast may do neatly, but it seems no less a earnest figure than the Prime Minister himself has decided action must be taken.

“Donald Trump was in the frame to be appointed peace envoy, but it’s felt a British patriot would be better to go over and explain fully the benefits of being a sovereign, trading country to the rioting parties.”

This put Nigel Farage in the frame. Dead centre.

“Mr Farage could sell ice to eskimos. He’s perfect. He’ll talk them down and around in no time. We’re a little concerned at losing the boost to consumption that rioting provides, but we’re also worried about polling numbers leading up to the local elections. And besides, he won’t have an official office, so he can slip back into the shadows and away from accountability once his work is done.”

What is to be done if Mr Farage isn’t able to stop the buses burning isn’t clear, as the PM had to leave the planning session to go to an arts and crafts lesson with a mistress.

“Farage did so much to bring about the exciting developments in Belfast. He should be given the opportunity to relish the inevitable consequences of years of tireless campaigning. He’s getting the old Britain back, just the way he wanted.”

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