Downing Street bans smiling in public as “smiling is infectious”

FAHRENHEIT 55 (TUFTON STREET) : DOWNING STREET has moved to make patriots even safer with a ban on public smiling coming into force from midnight.

The new measure is being taken not against Coronavirus, although it utilises legislation being used to make CV-19 regulations, but to better prepare the people for the end of the Brexit transition period.

“It goes hand in hand with banning literature in schools,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we need the people of one mind. And that mind needs to be downcast and staring at the cracks in the pavement.”

The fine for public smiling will start at £1,000 but ratchet up rapidly the bigger the smile is.

“If teeth are involved you are looking at £10K and perhaps a custodial sentence,” the source adds, “smiles are as infectious as a novel cold virus and we need to stamp them out. And don’t even think about laughing. You’ll be tasered.”

But critics of the new ban point out that with the hash the government is making of (*checks notes) everything there is no need to outlaw smiling.

“What do we have to smile about?” one punter told us, “they’ve taken the Oven Ready Brexit Deal out of the oven before it was even warmed up. They’ve stripped us of so many rights it’s mind boggling. They’re clearly pursuing herd immunity with CV-19, based on a lively mash up of eugenics, sociopathy and idiocy. The economy is set for a world beating crash to the benefit of Tory donors. We’re all miserable. And winter is coming! They don’t need to ban smiling in public. They might want to ban pitchforks though!”

But regardless of what Joe or Jolene Public think the ban is coming into force, with one or two exceptions.

“Matt Hancock will still be able to grin inanely as he struggles to comprehend what he’s done. And Priti Patel can’t help herself. There is a clear need for exceptions with those two. Oh, and Dom will still be able to smile in public. He retains the right to signal the contempt he holds for every last one of us.”

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