ACTS OF WAR : DOWNING STREET WILL STOP AT NOTHING THIS WEEK TO DISTRACT FROM ITS FAILURE TO…WELL, there’s a lot of failure too.
“Someone had to do something,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “historically we have a reputation of being, shall we say proactive? When it comes to other people’s countries? It seems some think that because of this we’d be happy to be invaded ourselves. INVADED I TELL YOU. BY POOR PEOPLE. They get in these boats and they risk their lives to reach our shores. It’s terrifying. What if they all make it? “
And of course the wealth of the individuals attempting to reach the UK is the main problem.
“If they were rich they could just fly in, from pretty much anywhere, and start donating money to Tory MPs. Give it a few years and they’d all be in the Lords. They just need to go about it in the proper manner. You don’t just turn up at someone’s house, whether you’re in desperate need of sanctuary and assistance or not.”
Still, given that Channel asylum seekers seem stubbornly determined to remain humans desperate for a better life, the government has decided to act and put a stop to that.
“Priti Patel is exceptionally happy,” the source said, “we’ve decided to change the law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels. All rubber dinghies. Get in one anywhere in the UK now and you’re committing an act of war. Someone in a uniform will be ordered to drop by and blow you out of the water. Thames or Channel. It doesn’t matter. It’s going to cause mayhem for beachgoers. Which is just the way we like it.”