Downing Street confirms the Office of Prime Minister has been outsourced to Serco

No 10 SERCO STREET : A Downing Street source has confirmed rumours today that the Office of the Prime Minister has been outsourced to multinational test and trace giant Serco. In. Its. Entirety.

“It happened on the 13th December 2019,” the source explains, “the morning after Boris Johnson’s famous “Oven Ready” general election win. Boris was still sleeping off the election night party at his Russian mate’s pad. Someone had to run the country. It was an unprecedented crisis.”

But it seems it was a crisis averted as the corporate stepped forward to offer to take the contract to be prime minister on without tender.

“But it’s incorrect to say it’s just Serco, there’s a drop down menu of various corporation supplying consultants and experts. It explains why the country is rapidly becoming the ghastly, ungoverned shower that you see in the headlines. The profits are huge. But just pay attention to the news cycle and feel immobilised with rage.”

The confirmation does at least make sense of the waste and mismanagement, as is common when the British state privatises services it should do itself, solely in the public interest.

“It really is the peak of trickle down economics,” the source adds, “the money these businesses are taking consulting on how to run the UK will not just trickle, but flood to a variety of bank accounts in low tax regimes. It’s essentially a massive work of international aid development, depending on how you look at it. Especially for chaps that write company names on letterboxes on tropical islands.”

But while the outsourcing itself is uncontroversial, some are quibbling over the lack of penalty and break clauses in massive contracts won without tender.

“They’ll stop asking that once they realise their Serco Social Score is liable to worsen if they don’t shut up. And whatever you do, when you next vote, ensure it’s a postal vote being handled by a mate of the governing Conservatives.”

Plans are also in place to outsource the opposition parties in the UK to private actors.

“It will provide strong and stable government,” the source finishes, “and not the sort of chaos we would have experienced under Ed Milliband. This is why Serco has rehired both David Cameron and Boris Johnson as consultants.”

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