HUMAN SACRIFICES RESUME MONDAY : THE ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER, DOMINIC “EYE TEST” CUMMINGS, has made a surprise return to the news cycle today after rumours began circling of his dressing habits.
“It is not true that Dominic dresses like an Aztec priest performing human sacrifices, as seen in the movie Apocalypto,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he dresses like it all the time, even when going to dinner. The shabby teenager with the compulsive self-pleasuring habit look, that’s just for press conferences.”
But while everything that emanates from Downing Street is definitely credible, the rumour is taking some dispelling. Especially as Matt Hancock is said to have ordered the construction of a “a giant pyramid with a raised platform, over which the sun must stand directly at midday”. The fact the pyramid also has a drain that “runs from altar to gutter” is not of any interest either.
Furthermore, the ordering of antique knives of “classic, pre-colonial era American design” and the decision to take “2.2m people previously ordered to shield and let them run about outside” are also said to “not equate to anything of note.”
The rebuttals will come as reassurance to people still convinced the government has been running a bogus herd immunity policy in response to Covid-19.
“Herd immunity and human sacrifice are related, but not the same,” the source added, “and even if Dominic was dressing like a blood stained Aztec priest, it would only be to test his eyesight. Also, to ensure a good harvest. Only a traitor wants the harvest to fail.”