Downing Street : EU making negotiations difficult by refusing to do confidential handshake deal in strip club

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?

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