LET THEM EAT APPS : DOWNING STREET HAVE RESPONDED SWIFTLY TO THE INVESTIGATION BY DURHAM POLICE WITH AN INVESTIGATION OF THEIR OWN.
“We have conducted a probe of Durham Police and discovered that too few of the senior staff have received gongs,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re sure this can be corrected if they rectify the surprisingly limited amount of whitewash they keep in stock.”
The object of the probe was to determine if Durham police had broken one of the newer laws of the land by investigating the actions of unelected PM Dominic Cummings.
“Clearly it was a significant breach to even query the behaviour of God,” the source continued, “as God is above the laws of man. To compound that error by finding that God did breach the Covid-19 lockdown regulations was a grievous error that will go unforgiven. I would expect Durham to suffer a plague of locusts now. Perhaps even a great flood. Never forget that there is one rule for mankind and a very different rule of God, aka Dominic Cummings.”
What sanctions will be applied to the actual officers who conducted the investigation into Mr Cummings isn’t yet clear, but rumours are they may have to host Boris Johnson to dinner.
“He’ll be bringing his dad, who also breached guidelines designed to save lives, and perhaps Dylin the dog, dependent on whether or not the prop dog is booked anywhere else that day. That should be punishment enough to ensure no further mistakes are made.”
In the interim the Durham Police have been put into special measures, with Downing Street sending up Mark Francois to take personal control of the police.
“Those that make the laws don’t have to follow them,” the source added, “why do you think we’ve spent so long messing about with behavioural science, even though the actual science of infectious disease spread is very well understood? It’s because we can’t trust ourselves to obey the laws we make, so we can hardly trust everyone else.”