THE NEW NORMAL : AMID THE CLAMOUR AND PANIC OF LANDLORDS TERRIFIED OF A PROFIT SLUMP, as more and more people realise working from home means they aren’t miserable, the tiny voice of sanity (coming from Downing Street) maybe hard to hear.
LCD Views has decided to give them a megaphone.
“We want working from home to feel normal,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so we’re introducing new measures to assist with that. Initially the pilot scheme will be focused on commuting, as that is an integral part of the old normal.”
To this end rules will be introduced which people now working from home will have to adhere to. It is not yet clear if the rules will also apply to individuals who were already working from home, or self-employed prior to the Covid-19 crisis.
“It’s likely they will, if you’re under a certain income threshold. Why should those people be happy?”
Good point.
While the rules are still being drafted, we have been given a heads up by our source on what form they will take.
“There’s going to be a lot of them. It’s so we can cull some later and claim to be cutting red tape,” the source advises, sensibly.
And here they are :
1. The journey between kitchen and office space must take a minimum of one hour in each direction. Two or three times a week it must take 2-3 hours, for no good reason at all.
2. Money must vanish at an escalating rate daily from your bank account while transiting to and from work. If money doesn’t vanish you will be fined.
3. Government employed transit “companions” will sporadically appear in your hallway and walk beside you during your commute. They will hold loud mobile phone conversations about their personal matters which you have no interest in.
4. You must stop intermittently in your journey between kitchen and the room designated as office for no identified reason, before continuing. You will be required to place your mobile devices into “airplane mode” during these interminable intervals to replicate inexplicable loss of mobile signal right when you need it most in your commute.
5. An out of order sign must be hung on your toilet door for three out of five days a week. You will need to ask your neighbours if you may use their toilet. It will be at their discretion if you may or may not, but their toilet must be partially broken and covered in excrement.
6. One week of every month your hallway must be out of bounds due to “hallway improvement works”
7. You must wear a mask during your journey, but anyone else in your household accompanying you must either not wear one, or wear it on their chin.
8. You must spend the first hour of every day planning your journey down your hallway, building in contingencies in case the hallway is unexpectedly not useable. You must spend the last hour of each working day doing likewise. This is to increase productivity.
9. Your hallway will be sold to a foreign consortium and become so expensive to walk in you consider driving to work, regardless of the environmental cost.
10. A tax will be levied on home workers to pay for “hallway improvement schemes”. Your hallways will be improved by contractors on long weekends and during summer holidays, especially if you have family staying. You will be required to advise government of the least convenient times for hallway improvement works, so they maybe conducted then.
11. Now and then a racist drunk will be required to rant in your hallway during your journey. Burger wrappers and empty cans of strong cider must be liberally distributed.
12. A government designated “air quality abusement officer” must be allowed access to your hallway, at their discretion, to fart. You will be required to stay with them until the odour has evaporated. They may renew the atmosphere if they choose to do so. You may not say anything. You must simply breathe and try and focus on what you will do at work.
Your hallway is now your train, be proud of it. It’s inconceivable why anyone would not want to return to full time commuting to work.