Downing Street orders all English towns and cities to renew medieval walls before 2021

FETCHEZ LA VACHE : A NEW DICTAT FROM DOWNING STREET has served to quell rising tensions within the Tory Party today as it promises to get Britain building again, and fast.

“All English towns and cities have to renew their medieval walls before 2021,” a Downing Street source explained to LCD Views, “which potentially leaves Milton Keynes stuffed, but everyone else should be alright.”

The decision to rebuild walls long fallen into the realm of relics is because bygone days are here again.

“It’s likely we’ll see some conflict between towns and cities over bog roll and other vital consumables,” the source goes on, “especially near to motorways in the South East of the country as roaming, locally raised militias scour the landscape for supplies. Lorries stuck in endless jams due to Brexit will be prime targets. It’s only natural that towns will fight each other over the booty. Some of those conflicts will spill back to the towns and cities concerned. You don’t want a wild eyed war party just spilling into your burbs. It’s best to have a wall.”

It’s felt also the renewed walls will better allow Tory MPs to grasp the tangible benefits of Brexit.

“A lot of Brexit is about recapturing the lost, halcyon days of feudalism for the born to rule set. If you’re going to lord it over your serfs you need a stronghold capable of inspiring awe and fear.”

It’s felt the walling up of English towns will better serve the loyal communities when the border skirmishes renew with the Welsh and Scots too.

“And let’s not forget the prospect of invasion from the continent,” the source adds, “the English have a handy knack of importing governance from overseas when it all goes to pot. But this time we’re doing it for ourselves. The French will be right out of luck when they land at Dover looking to steal our fish! They’ll be faced with strongholds.”

Local stone should be used wherever possible to “lower the carbon footprint of your standard motte and bailey.”

And remember, there’s no need to shout “Fechez la vache!” if you keep your cows on the walls at all times and ready.

Check. Change. Go. We’re going to build some walls and we’re going to pay for it!

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