MADE IN BRITAIN : The days of art critics and historians putting people to sleep waxing lyrical over the quality of light to be found in Turner paintings are mercifully to end.
Just as we’ve seen giant supermarket chains slap the Union Jack on everything from eggs to Union Jacks, it’s felt that the art world has been more than a little tardy in ramping up the nationalism.
To this end the special “Union Project” set up by Downing Street is taking matters into its own hands and forcing the art world to come into the 21st Century.
“By use of the sovereign powers granted to the executive in 10 Downing Street but what is still laughably called a parliament, we will now make great British art patriotic,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views.
The actual Union Jack image to be used is also stipulated and must “block out all other content. Wall to wall flags, that’s what we need to say to the world that we’re British and we’re secure within ourselves.”
The work to update the paintings is to commence immediately, and it’s understood Dido Harding has been employed to track and trace down all British masterpieces.
“Turner is getting the treatment first. Because he deserves it,” the source adds.
Now when you look at a painting in the National Gallery you will know it is British and you will feel safe inside.
“A special military march is also being commissioned that will involve some vigorous leg lifts and stiff armed salutes. Elgar will also now have to played over all baby monitors in England, 24/7, to ensure that the upcoming generation of British babies know they are British.”
If we don’t wave our flag. If we don’t plaster it over everything possible, people will forget we’re here. Is it from the land of hope and glory? Does it have a flag on it? Let’s be sure.