Downing Street refuses to say what day this week it will U turn on hiring Tony Abbott

THE MAD MONK COMETH : DOWNING STREET is teasing the media scrum today by refusing to announce the day and hour this week when the U turn on hiring Aussie legend Tony “shirtfront” Abbott will happen.

“That would spoil the surprise,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “U turns aren’t planned in advance anyway, they occur once the pressure gets too much. Those who fail to plan plan to U turn. It’s our office motto.”

But the pressure is building, and not helped this morning by Matt Hancock telling Kay Burley that Abbott was being hired because Global Britain needs a trade envoy that brings a wealth of experience in homophobia and misogyny with him.

“I will say though that it was excellent of Matt to distract everyone from the PM’s disaster at PMQs yesterday. Now we’re all talking about Matt again. Which is how he likes it.”

As to what Abbott thinks about the furore over his comments on sensitive subjects, no one has bothered to ask.

“That’s because it’s well known he doesn’t think. He was actually separated from Dominic Raab at birth. They share one brain, cell. It’s a fascinating human story.”

Liz Truss is also rumoured to be feeling a little put out by the decision to hire Abbott descending into farce, as it was her one international success so far.

“Someone is going to have to help Liz. They have to be a bit dim and thuggish as that’s the requirement to work for post Brexit Britain. It’s because of who we intend to cut deals with once we’re free of the tyrannical EU’s minimum standards on human rights,” the source added, “Tony ‘onion eater’ Abbott was a perfect fit for the weirdos and misfits currently holed up in Downing Street.”

Still the U turn, if and when it comes, will presumably be welcomed as the excitement it will generate will conceal some other easily forecast screw up that also needs a U turn.

“It’s tough though,” the source shrugged, “we have to hire the idiots from the former colonies to help us make a success of Brexit. We’re rapidly running out of home grown ones.”

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