MENTAL ENGINEERING : THE CHESTS OF BRITONS ARE SWELLING WITH PRIDE today after a completely sincere and honest study found that current Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the UK.
The study was untaken after some people suggested that he may be the exact opposite of a builder, actually more a wrecker. Someone who just launches feasibility studies for massive projects because that’s a handy way of handing out public money with zero expectation of a return.
“How can he not be the greatest bridge builder?” a 10 Downing Street source demanded. “Just think of the sheer scale of bridges he has suggested. He’s always talking about building them.”
While the bridges are exclusively of the mind, the committee undertaking the study didn’t care about that.
“Tens of millions of taxpayers’ money has been spent conducting feasibility studies and doing up designs. That counts for a lot.”
But critics have suggested that people working for a man who builds no bridges are not best placed to undertake a study of this kind. There is a risk of a lack of impartiality. Especially when the head of the study has previously written a lot about what a great builder Johnson is, even without ever building anything.
“That’s just jealous people talking. I bet they haven’t even built a double decker bus out of empty wine crates, let along suggested building a bridge across the Irish Sea. Slackers. Dead cat producers.”
There was no mention of who the second biggest bridge builder is, because no one else matters in Boris Johnson’s England.
And here, completely unrelated to this article, is a clip of the prime minister refusing to shake hands with two black men at a Conservative Party Conference.