UK requests EU control UK’s external borders as “after Brexit we will be too busy controlling our internal ones”

WHAT’S A BOARDER BETWEEN FRIENDS : The UK government has set France straight on its international obligations today, as handfuls of humans continue to INVADE the U.K.

“They have the experience,” a Home Office official shrugged, “Continental Europe controls thousands and thousands of displaced people each year. We don’t have the experience because we’re focused on the supply side of the issue. On the bombs. On servicing the financial services needs of the kleptocracies. Everyone has their part to play. We do ours. They need to do theirs.”

What France will think of the demand isn’t yet clear, with some suggesting Downing Street might have to dig a little deeper into why there’s now a famous Gallic shrug on the matter?

“It’s obvious. They’re jealous because we won the war,” the aide commented, “Agincourt. They’ve never gotten over it. They mention it constantly. Mind you, if I was embarrassed by half a dozen guys with sling shots on my home turf I’d have trouble letting it go too. Perhaps we should extend an olive branch? Tell them it’s time to stop obsessing over past conflicts and focus on the here and now? Terribly sentimental types. Overwhelmed with nostalgia. Not at all like our forward looking, internationalist regime.”

And of course the elephant in the room must be Brexit.

“More envy. We’ve taken back control as a sovereign state. They don’t like that. They simply have to patrol the English Channel for us now. We’re going to be too busy patrolling the land border with Kent to stop bored truckers dogging in England’s garden.”

Perhaps we could pay the French to do it for us? After the Dublin Agreement expires at the end of 2020?

“Not a bad plan. £350m per week will probably do it. It’ll be brokered by a mate of Dom’s.”

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