Downing Street source confirms “EU close to cracking and begging U.K. to come back”

YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUR OUR BI-VALVES ADMIT IT : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE has gone off the broken record this morning and revealed the intellectual powerhouses nested in 10 Downing Street believe the EU is ready to crack.

“Where are they now? The thinking in 10 Downing Street is that the EU is bereft. Without the calm and pragmatic leadership of the British elite they are lost. Essentially stumbling about a darkened room looking for a light switch,” the source says.

While publicly the EU27 leaders are doing a good job of holding it together, behind closed doors it’s mostly one fantasy building project after another to distract from their failures.

“How many millionaires have they made out of PPE? It’s a joke. The EU wide procurement projects have left friends of ministers stunned. Whereas in the UK you can just send a Whatsapp to a government figure and your unrelated factory is out of administration, just like that.”

It’s also believed life for the EU is just not as much fun without the UK’s elite.

“They have these, frankly boring, discussions with the US. We’re gonna sort this out and that. We’re not going to run NATO down. We’re going to…zzzz…what they need is someone like Boris with mad hair spouting half remembered classical Greek, inappropriately, while dressed as King Arthur as a mountain of avoidable death grows under his feet thanks to an inability to understand you have to put public health first in a pandemic to save your economy.”

And of course the elephant in everyone’s room, Brexit.

“It’s becoming a serious crisis on the EU side. While we sit here and wait they are frantically re-ordering supply chains to a market of half a billion people and pulling their hair out wondering where to put all the financial business leaving London. It’s not good.”

But it seems Downing Street isn’t yet in the mood to have the EU back.

“Boris is going to wait until they’ve properly cracked and begged us to come back and re-open negotiations. The food shortages next winter. The hyper-inflation to come. The collapse of the housing market. That’s the time to strike. When the UK is tumescent and ripe.”

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