LEVELLING UP, DOWN, ALL AROUND : DOWNING STREET HAS SUCCUMBED TO PRESSURE TODAY TO ANSWER WHAT THE HELL THE HALF ARSED MANNEQUINS PRETENDING TO GOVERN THE UK ARE DOING ABOUT RETURNING TRAVELLERS FROM COVID-19 HOTSPOTS.
For weeks the idea of quarantining returning travellers has been touted as an effective way to prevent the spread of more dangerous variants of the killer virus that currently plagues the UK, but so far all there has been from Downing Street is words and no deeds.
“That’s because our friends like to travel,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a bit rum to make them shack up with their families in a bloody Travelodge when they just step off a first class flight. Think of the mental health implications? It’s very hard for the PM to do this to donors. I mean friends.”
Other reasons given for the lax approach are suggested to be that the UK is still pursuing herd immunity, the so called ‘take it on the chin’ approach, which has been so successful thus far.
“It’s more because apparently none of our friends are in hotels, and those that are don’t want to touch this with a bargepole. Still counting their PPE winnings I suppose. Ha!”
But in spite of the headwinds it’s believed a meeting of the cabinet today decided the matter, and one that buys into the famous levelling up agenda.
“It was rough sailing initially. Little Matty Hancock was moaning that people keep having pops at him for not using the advantages of an island to prevent a mere 110K and rising people dying of Covid-19. Apparently we should have actually acted like a competent government, whatever that is. They have one in New Zealand, Australia, Taiwan, Vietnam and Japan. But we’re not commies! We’re not doing what they do. Our inherent love of dying prematurely must be protected. Anyway, Matt said let’s drain the English Channel and it all kicked off. Priti went for him with a pair of scissors. It was a lucky escape. They were Johnson’s craft scissors. He’s not allowed sharp objects in case he slips while running. But it was then that someone in the cabinet hit on the winning formula.”
Apparently a few in the cabinet have been getting calls to rein in that crazed MP from outside Leicester somewhere, who keeps writing about the plague with evidence and science.
“That’s not on. I mean, it risks endangering our entire policy. The entire brand of the party. But we’ve got a way to kill two birds with one stone,” the source winked. “We simply turn the entirety of the UK north of Watford into a quarantine hotel. The whole show. Everyone will be so busy finding spare rooms for people to stay in they won’t have time to go on Twitter and argue with the fascists who want to cull the herd. It’s a total win.”