WHO YOU GONNA CALL : LCD Views has the scoop today with a leaked transcript of the speech Prime Minister Boris Johnson will make to the country later today.
The speech, named “Plan R+B”, is thought to be a last ditch attempt to paint the bungled response to the Covid-19 pandemic as a roaring success of British ingenuity and pluck. We produce it in full below. Good luck.
“It’s with a heavy heart I, your sometime prime minister, inform you, the good and patriotic people of this blessed isle, that we are the last survivors of Covid-19 on Earth. Potentially even in the universe.
It maybe that in time we will discover other British people, blessed with Blitz spirit as an inalienable birth right, have survived the plague that wiped out the rest of mankind, in some dark corner of the globe. In fact I expect that is so, unless of course they married foreigners and had their pulse weakened by such a lack of forethought.
But the time to explore the globe for these extraordinary examples of British pluck and perseverance is not now. As such I am ordering all borders closed from this moment. No one is to even try and get across the Channel to France. There’s no point. There’s no one there anymore. It is a shame that our distant cousins had such poor leadership in this crisis, or they may have also survived.
We have before us now many tasks, not least the repopulation of the planet.
Domestically we firstly have to reintroduce the feudal class system. Thankfully the EU Withdrawal Bill gives myself the right to do so. Look forward with a heavy heart to this sunlit upland. You, the people of the Ark. Your field work will be valued not in devalued currency, but by the sweat on your brow and the satisfaction of a hard day’s graft.
As for myself I will continue to sire offspring and you can be reassured that in time I will truly be the nation’s father.
Britain needs your unbreakable spirit now more than ever and I trust you will all do your utmost, regardless of which Tory MP is chosen to be your lord and master.
And take comfort in the knowledge that never again will British fish be fished by anyone that isn’t British.
We have triumphed where others have fallen. And it was take it on the chin that gave us this most unhappy of victories.”