VIGOROUS AND ZESTY ENTERPRISES : DOWNING STREET have issued an edict to ensure all Tory MPs return from their well earned Easter break refreshed and free of any sort of tension.
“The moment they break up they should begin polishing their poles with enthusiasm,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said from the empty £2.6m briefing room that some tosser had put together.
“Use oil if you like. Grab a soft cloth if your hands are sensitive. And then rub that pole until its really shiny. Maybe polish each others. It doesn’t have to be a solo pursuit. You can lend each other a hand.”
The order will please many MPs who maybe wondering what to do with all the free time they will suddenly have? With self-catering accommodation not re-opening until the 12th of April. For others it will be a welcome invitation to travel to their second, third or fourth homes and polish their poles there.
“You’ll all be called upon one after another to do TV interviews and you need to look red faced and full of enthusiasm. A well polished pole will assist in this. Then run a flag up it! Make sure the pole is patriotically firm and ready to stand to attention for the government.”
While many will be happy take the order to heart, some have said it is essentially a pointless edict as “We’re all pole polishers already. Daily. And everyone can see it. We don’t need to be told to get our hands hot and sweaty. It comes naturally.”