Williamson to send every school cardboard cut out of new “Corporal Punishment” mascot to improve discipline

SIX OF THE BEST : EDUCATION SUPERHERO GAVIN WILLIAMSON has identified that parents are to blame for the damage to their children’s education during the pandemic, and he’s doing something about it.

It is important to note from the start that it is not the government’s shambolic and lethal handling of the virus, nor the ball-achingly inefficient Education Secretary and his likely biases which percolate his every decision.

“When kids return to school after the Easter break they’ll be faced with a dominating new figure in the classroom, Corporal Punishment, that will ensure weak willed and lazy teachers have the ally they need to maintain discipline,” an Education Secretary aide told LCD Views.

“Teachers have had most of the year off, so they will gain from knowing the boss is watching them too. Although rumours the Williamsons will have remote controlled cameras in their heads are unfounded, as the cameras are manufactured in the EU and were ordered on Amazon. They are currently lost in transit in a customs park somewhere.”

The Corporal Punishment mascots will be in the form of a cardboard cut-outs of the Education Secretary himself styled after a Victorian Era Lance-Corporal of the British Army.

“The cardboard has been made by taking a genetic sample of Williamson, who is surprisingly made of 100% cardboard, and most of it rather wet. We were able to culture this in a lab with a sample of verbal diarrhoea and grow the cardboard on mats. World beating British innovation in action. It is likely a technology we can export.”

Critics of the scheme are certain to do their usual routine of wanting to know which Tory Party donor has been given the tender to produce the hundreds of thousands of cardboard cut-outs that will be required, weekly, but they will be missing the point entirely.

“The children will be required to construct the Williamsons which will bring them close to the prime minister, seeing as the first day’s lesson will be arts and crafts. Obviously the children will need to be drunk. The national anthem must be played during the sessions and the Union Flag saluted every half hour.”

The success of the scheme is guaranteed, given that it is based on having cardboard cut-outs of police officers standing outside pound stores, in place of the real officers who are busy guarding the Winston Churchill statue.

“Real broom handles will be held by the Williamsons and the children will know that Corporal Punishment is there, accusing their parents of mishandling the pandemic. We expect discipline to improve in double time.”

Gavin Williamson orders schools to teach children right wing comedy

PUNCH IN ANY DIRECTION YOU LIKE SO LONG AS IT’S DOWN : EDUCATION SUPERSTAR GAV ‘i’VE GOT A SPIDER’ williAMSON is doing his bit to win the war on woke for the triumphant government of Little Trump Johnson.

Gav ‘I keep a whip in sight so people think I’m tough’ Willyiamson is not going to be left behind when it’s time for the awards after complete and total defeat of anyone who thinks it’s good to be nice to people, even if you don’t know them.

Today he makes another bold push into No Man’s Land with the decision to order the nation’s primary schools to teach children right wing comedy.

“Mother in law jokes are back!” an aide to Williamson told LCD Views. “So too Irish jokes. Jokes about the disabled. Jokes about funny little foreigners. Jokes about anyone that isn’t straight, white and English? Fill your boots son!”

And Gavin isn’t fighting this front on his own. A crack advisory panel and men recently banned by Twitter has been assembled to make sure PMT has you in stitches. Lead by no less an esteemed right wing comic than Jacob Rees-morgue himself!

“The holy grail is of course a PC gone mad joke about an overly emotional, disabled, ethnic minority woman who speaks English as a second language. But the order is across the board. Who can think of anything funnier than someone in a wheelchair getting splashed by water as they attempt to navigate their way passed some dog mess on a broken pavement? That is visual gold. If you don’t think it’s funny, you probably don’t have a place in Global Britain.”

Critics have asked though why the order doesn’t extend to secondary schools and universities?

“By the time kids reach adolescent it’s already too late to teach them that laughing at differences is what keeps us all together. We’re going to close secondary schools instead and turn them into fruit picking academies. Which will be hilarious!”

The introductory unit in the curriculum will be titled “Women – why they’re so funny when try to do a man’s job!”. This will feature handy audio-visual references to Benny Hill sketches so we all understand the direction of travel.

“My favourite bit is the physical comedy section. Donald Trump himself is going to record a segment explaining how to mock the disabled and get away with it. It’s hard to think of a greater achievement for a right wing comic. Our children will follow the example of the best of them.”

Right wing comedy – it’s funny and Gav will be happy to explain it.

Boris Johnson self-portrait sells for £2.6m

I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE: Infamous wine box painter Boris Johnson has struck again. He has produced a self portrait which had been sold for a world beating sum. 

An anonymous buyer has paid £2.6m for the artwork. It’s current whereabouts are unknown, but rumour places it blu-tacked to the walk-in fridge at 10 Downing Street. 

LCD Views’ Painting Corner correspondent wanted to find out more, and sought an expert in the field. 

“This self portrait is of the Primary School school of art,” claimed art critic Michaelangelo Myarse. “But if you look deeper, there are hidden meanings and some profound symbolism.” 

Go on then, I’ll bite. Please explain further. 

“If you regard the Work with a sufficient degree of rotation, the characteristically ruffled hair takes on the semblance of a bunch of bananas,” explained Myarse. “Here you may infer a moderate curvature, which harks back to Mr Johnson’s struggles with EU regulations. The mere presence of the fruit indicates a deep spiritual growth, the yellow colour is a bold primary shade that demonstrates Mr Johnson’s desire for strength and simplicity.”

But it’s unfinished. You see the outlines of the hair, or bananas, in pencil. It hasn’t even been coloured in properly! 

“That’s the Primary School style,” chided Myarse. “The seemingly sloppy presentation indicates an untrammelled intellect. The most valuable Primary School works are by artists whose refusal to be constrained by an outline shows a desire to think outside the box.” 

It doesn’t even resemble Johnson. 

“It doesn’t have to, that’s the beauty of this school of art,” said Myarse. “The broad smile represents the artist’s great confidence and happy go lucky nature. It is one of the Great Works of the Primary School school, executed with the traditional media of A4 printer paper, clipboard, and child’s paintbox!” 

In other words, it is incredibly expensive tat. Doubtless it will end up in the Brexit Museum. 

Gavin Williamson to send all schools a Union Jack flag to ensure they’re Covid safe

A TISSUE A TISSUE : England’s green and pleasant lands are bubbling up this week with a contagious mixture of excitement and anticipation ahead of the mass gathering of virus spreaders next week.

The event, known as the “re-opening of schools” is not in any way controversial, given that we all know children need an education to become productive and well rounded adults, just not necessarily an education at Eton.

But given the variance in viral load across England, and the perverse reluctance of the government to use the time available for a mass vaccination of teachers, some are expressing doubts over safety.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is expected to tell school staff and parents later this week. “Not here in the sense of being next to you, as that wouldn’t be safe for me. But I’m here in charge of schools re-opening.”

And Gav not only has a spider and a whip he also has a plan to make every school safe.

“Some of you maybe expecting you’ll return to anxious watching of the local R rate once schools reopen. This is misplaced anxiety. Firstly because as any parent can tell you, kids just do not catch and pass on any cold at all. It just never happens. And also because I’m putting in place a measure to ensure that CV-19 can not actually get into or out of schools.”

And that wonder measure is?

“All schools will be sent a Union Jack flag ahead of re-opening. It will be moved between class rooms so that every time there is a lesson it is there guarding the class and staff. No virus can pass in its presence, except at Heathrow or any other of our international borders where we may, or may not, be operating a system of half baked quarantine.”

Schools will be charged for the flags and display will be compulsory.

“But don’t worry, the flags are of the highest quality, as I’m getting them from one of Matt Hancock’s mates who runs a luxury car valet service.”

Gavin Williamson to vaccinate all teachers against Communism before Covid

IDEOLOGICAL PROPHYLATICS : EDUCATION WUNDERKIND Gavin Williamson has set himself in the trenches of the culture war against the wrongheaded forces plaguing our great nation that believe you shouldn’t keep up statues of slavers.

He’s there on the front lines of the ideological struggle to keep Britain grating. With his bayonet like mind and the whip he keeps on his desk, just for photos, not because he’s trying to convince the Tory boys and girls that he’s kinky enough to be in their club, he will take the fight to the woke.

But in spite of his valiant efforts to threaten to sue Greenwich Council last year just because the soft underbelly of our society thought sending teachers and students into school with the virus raging was stupid, some are still unable to see what they face in Gav.

“Stop talking to me about vaccinating teachers,” Mr Williamson is expected to tell a press conference later today. “They’ve had nearly a year off. They should all be well rested and ready to get back into the work place. I know this because I am an education specialist who did his time as a second rate fireplace salesman. The attitude of teachers is a bigger scandal than the perfectly sensible policy of saying schools are safe, even while teachers were catching Covid.”

But Willy knows where the threat lies really and he’s ready for it.

“The mighty powers of science marshalled together by Global Britain have developed vaccinations against the pandemic, but that’s not why I’m here today. Shortly 10m students and nearly 1m staff will return to schools in England and we have to be ready for the struggle to win the hearts and minds of the future. We will win this not by vaccinating teachers against the physical virus, but by inoculating those soft layabout lefties against Communism. That’s where the real threat lies. If we don’t act swiftly our children will grow up asking about rebellions and plagues in India in the time of The Raj. And it’s all downhill from there to hammer and sickleville.”

And how is Gavin going to vaccinate teachers against the red menace?

“I have a spider,” he will remind everyone. “I have a spider.”

Are you ready for it? Ready to save capitalism by sacrificing your life to teach fronted adverbials to plague ridden eight year olds in person? If you’re ready Gavin is ready for you.

*terms and conditions apply, it’s not certain everyone will survive.

UK schools to close on March 9

HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE MAD: Schools are perfectly safe, claims the man who opened them just to close them all one day later. So the news that schools must reopen on 8 March inevitably means a shutdown on March 9.

“We are Following The Science on this matter,” claimed the ubiquitous unnamed Westminster source. Trouble is, that’s a lie, and The Science has taken to giving the government a good slap as punishment.

Risk assessments have been prepared diligently. Some run to fewer pages than the average customs declaration for a consignment of fresh seafood. But they all say that a school full of children is one of the most effective ways to spread a virus.

This fact is totally off-message, and therefore may be ignored.

“I prefer to look at it this way,” said Vaccines Minister Nadhim Zahawi, struggling with his word salad. “I have been entirely clear about this. Errm… errrrmm… yes, over 50s will have been mostly partly vaccinated some time in April, possibly, which means schools are safe in March, it’s well known that March 8 is the safest day of the year, science must be made to follow policy, I fancy some toast, where’s my flag gone, erm… oh, look, a squirrel…”

Totally reassuring.

“If you want more information, ask the Education Secretary!” he said in a sudden burst of deflection. “He’s got a whip and a spider, he will put you in your place!”

The minister tried to cut the call, but merely succeeded in turning himself into a cat. The cat was later seen chasing a squirrel around the neighbourhood.

Once again, children and teachers will be the guinea pigs in a herd immunity experiment. It didn’t go well last time, so the same experiment is being conducted again but with different success criteria.

If anyone finds a neutered male cat, with a fondness for computers and flags and answering to the name of Nadhim, wandering in the vicinity, please return him to Mrs Zahawi at number 59.

OxfordAstraZeneca team begin work on a vaccine against Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION MATTERS : THE TEAM THAT PRODUCED ONE OF THE COVID 19 VACCINES have announced they are already hard at work on a new research project.

It seems the international collective, based in Oxford, are not satisfied with merely vaccinating against CV-19, they aim to go one better.

“We’ve turned our attention to Gavin Williamson’s disorder,” one of the researchers told LCD Views, “he’s had nearly a year to make schools safe to teach in and has done bugger all but mouth off like the little squirt he is. It’s causing chaos and harming the life chances of millions of kids. Not to mention the stress and danger to teachers, and the broader community. Essentially he is a virus in the educational system. We aim to cure it.”

It’s believed one of the main vectors for Williamson’s is British Exceptionalism.

“He was made a minister based on how readily he toadies up to the bigger, more popular boys, and internally he’s inadequate enough to pledge loyalty to Brexit. But now he’s in office it’s produced an undeserved feeling of Exceptionalism, which is essentially the protein spike on the scrap of rudimentary RNA that is Gavin.”

It’s believed in order to stop the damage caused by Williamson it will be essential to get him to “go away and shut up”.

“We think the vaccine will probably be like a mirror. But one he has to look into. One that adheres to his stupid f*ck#ng eyeballs until he crumbles under the weight of self reflection and crawls away into a corner like the spider he keeps to impress the girls. That ought to do it.”

We would like to wish the team speed and success. British Exceptionalism is stopping our entire government realising how inadequate they are. Cute is needed fast.

And as for serial incompetent Gav? We’re sure there’s a special fireplace in Hell set aside for him.

Williamson – “You didn’t see teachers moaning about CV-19 in the Blitz!”

NOTHING A SPITFIRE FLYOVER WON’T FIX : The idiot’s idiot, Education Secretary Gavin Williamson, has slammed Greenwich teachers for what he has (allegedly) called a lack of Blitz spirit.

“It’s not as if we needed more evidence that modern man is going soft,” an imaginary someone claiming to work with Williamson told LCD Views, “and let’s face it, you didn’t see teachers complaining about catching Covid-19 in the Blitz. Did you? No. They got on and teached.”

But teachers in Greenwich are complaining so much they’ve even attempted to close schools. Just because most of them are now sick.

“Look, do they want a national day of clapping or not? In recognition of their suffering and sacrifice? Do they want a badge that says care? Teachers need to have a good, hard think.”

Happily for the former fireplace salesman he has levers to pull. And luckily for the teachers that he retrained as Education Secretary in the first place.

“He is forcing them to keep schools open for a few extra days. Essentially demanding that more of them catch Covid before Christmas. That’s how much he cares about education. He is willing to sacrifice his own troops like a WW1 general faced with a machine gun nest and limited imagination.”

And Williamson is calling in the army to help.

“It will be a carrot and stick approach,” the aide says, “there will be a Spitfire flyover over Greenwich schools next week to remind teachers of what they lack in commitment. But we will also be requesting the Navy moor a nuclear sub in the Thames at Greenwich. If teachers won’t go to school we will consider using Trident to force the issue.”

The navy however is believed to be less than keen on the request.

“The way that class A idiot is handling Covid and schools he doesn’t need nukes. He’s a weapon. A weapon of mass destruction himself.”

“English schools can teach WW2 in history for the first time. Thanks to Brexit.” – Gavin Williamson

A* FOR FALLING UPWARDS : THE UK’S EDUCATION MONOLITH, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, HAS GIVEN EVERYONE AN ABRUPT LESSON TODAY IN THE HITHERTO UNSPOKEN BENEFITS OF BREXIT.

“It shows the tangible benefits of promoting loyalists to dubious political projects to cabinet positions, regardless of their verifiable quality, based purely on their allegiance to Brexit,” our Education Matters specialist says.

And education is all about Gavin.

“Remember how he was sacked for leaking secrets? Once that would have ended a political career. Not in Boris Johnson’s cabinet of all the tzars.”

And Gavin is showing the wisdom of resurrection as England begins its bold and visionary future freed of the constraints of having friends in Europe.

“For the first time English schools can now teach students about WW2,” Mr Williamson told the gathered press. “This is a little understood historical period in England. With my new directives I am to further that.”

But before critics suggest there is more to history than a global conflict in which the powers of fascism were defeated by an international coalition, Gavin has a ready retort.

“I’m not going to start speculating on what maybe achieved, potentially, by the incoming US Biden/Harris administration.”

But it won’t only be WW2 in the curriculum.

“There will be WW1 too. And the Queen and how to make Union Jack bunting.”

But what about those who suggest that potentially, the way in which the flagshaggers obsess about WW2, misrepresent many of the aspects and exclude historical debate aimed at better understanding import passages of our history, risks missing the lessons of the conflicts.

“That’s too long a sentence,” Mr Williamson replied, before adding, “I’ve got a spider. It’s how I got promoted.”

School dinners to be served at Kent Lorry Park after children finish their shift

CONCRETE DOESN’T POUR ITSELF YOU KNOW : Great news for the UK’s untapped child workforce today. The government has decided to kill two birds with one stone.

Starting from the beginning of the new school term in Southeast England, next week, children too hungry to study will have an opportunity to work to eat.

“Work to eat, that’s the slogan,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s pointless wasting precious state financial assets educating children who will be vital cogs in the workforce from January 2021. And with so many complaining of hunger because their parents spent all their benefits on a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers* this new scheme will give them the chance to feel what a full belly feels like.”

A full belly after a day of self-esteem boosting work.

“The scheme will be centred on the Kent lorry parks that are currently under construction. And let me tell you, we need labour. Child, teenager, adult, retiree, it doesn’t matter, if you’ve one good hand and a one working foot, partial vision, or even none at all, your government believes you are good to work. Good to work to eat.”

The ‘Work to Eat’ scheme does tailor itself to children’s needs in more ways than food.

“We all know no child of working age wants to go to bed. Work to eat takes advantage of this by forcing children to work the night shifts. As the sun rises each day they will be shunted into the mess tent and get a full plate of gruel. Clearly as we haven’t yet reached the Winter Solstice the breakfasts will be later each morning until late December. This will only add to the anticipation.”

But the vital, and timely scheme has drawn some fire from Northern MPs.

“What about the North? We weren’t duped into standing for election for Boris Johnson on a raft of clearly bogus promises just to see our own children denied the opportunity to pour concrete in Kent.”

To counter this potential uprising a Downing Street source released the following statement,

“What about the North? We don’t need you again until 2024.”

*Name the book the list of drugs is from and you won’t win a prize!