GETTING A TAN FROM STANDING IN THE ENGLISH RAIN: Expats coming home from sunny Spain are relieved to be holidaying on the Costa del Skegness this year.
Many have expressed the delight at finally getting away from all that hot sunshine. So much better, they say, to shiver in an overcoat in driving rain and a howling gale on a shingle beach next to the North Sea.
Why sit around the pool all day, with sun cream, shades and endless margaritas, when you can huddle up outside a dirty beachside café drinking expensive instant coffee? All you need is that extra sovereignty and a Union Jack. Bugger Spain, we got our country back.
Classic English resorts are bracing themselves for an influx this year. Skegness is so bracing anyway. But towns like Great Yarmouth and Weston Super Mud are already investing in extra bunting and Kiss Me Quick hats.
“We have already dusted off the classic ‘No dogs, no blacks, no Irish’ signs in anticipation,” claimed traditional seaside hotelier Candie Floss. “I know it’s not exactly acceptable these days, but it’s my little effort towards the War On Woke and it’s what our more patriotic new customers expect.”
Many expats happily trooping in from Heathrow are making their way home to the cream of English towns, like Luton and Corby. They are excited to be holidaying in Clacton and Cleethorpes this year.
“I can’t tell you how excited we are,” said the happily repatriated Bennie Dorm. “The wife and I will be heading straight to one of the red, white and blue flag beaches with our knotted hanky hats. We are looking forward to a stroll along the prom past the arcades and the chip shops, eating British shellfish straight from the sea, and getting hammered in the local Wetherspoons. We can’t wait to grumble about some proper damp drizzly August weather!”
Gammon on sea. Coming to a resort near you.