Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Boris Johnson is not a man to be missed about. Warning bells sounded when a Downing Street staffer inadvertently revealed that the PM’s fridge has a child lock.
Johnson has been reported MIA, or possibly missing in inaction. It is a bit of a long shot, but it looks possible that he was asked a difficult question at work. Something like, “Do you have any plans to visit flooded areas of the country?”. His normal course of action is to conceal himself within a cold storage unit until the panic dies down. Unfortunately it appears that he was unable to get out again.
Nobody, it seems, can open the fridge. None of the dogsbodies and yes men have managed to crack the code, even “Classic” Dom Cummings has struggled (if not for very long).
What they really need is a child. Unfortunately they are banned from Number Ten in case they turn out to be Boris’s.
In desperation, members of the Cabinet were called in to help. Dominic Raab failed to realise the significance, and retreated, sweaty, temple vein throbbing, to the sanctuary of the House of Commons bar. Jacob Rees-Mogg instructed his under-butler to release the lock, but he turned out to be more Wooster than Jeeves. Priti Patel, realising that the fridge was not of British make, simply deported it.
Meanwhile the sack of Britain is being achieved without its idiot in chief. The longer Boris Johnson remains AWOL, the less likely any parliamentary business can be carried out, and the more looting and pillaging can be done by the unelected bureaucrats running the shitshow.
The fridge was well stocked with champagne and nibbles, so Johnson is unlikely to have starved to death.
The Fire Brigade has been called, but has not yet turned up as it has the unenviable job of putting out a country on fire.
Johnson may go down on record as the coolest prime minister of all time.