BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.
This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.
“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”
That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.
“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”
Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.
“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”
How are preparations going?
“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”
Have you decided on a venue yet?
“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”
It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…
“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”
And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.