Free school meals to consist of 100% British shellfish

PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER TO MAKE FIVE: For every crisis there is a solution. On the one hand, there is a surplus of British shellfish we can’t offload onto the Europeans. On the other, there is the problem of Marcus Rashford banging on about hungry children. Isn’t it obvious to combine the two?

“We can’t give the stuff away!” is the cry of the Brexit-voting fishermen who simply didn’t believe in Britain hard enough. Oh yes you can. Give it to kids, who are unable to distinguish sea-based creepy-crawlies from a cheese sandwich and half an apple.

What’s more it’s free, thanks to the government bailing out the fishing industry to the tune of eleventy seventeenty thousand hundred roubles. I mean pounds. Pounds, not roubles. Anyway, each lunchbox will come with links to a website giving recipe ideas for Lobster Thermidor, Moules Marinieres, and Clam Chowder. Nutritious, delicious, and educational!

It’s enough to warm the cockles.

Every single precious British whelk, barnacle and scallop will be individually stamped with a Union Jack and a picture of Boris Johnson. The delighted seafood will leap out of their shells and into the pot, laughing, on command. The resulting dinners will be called Happy Meals.

Suddenly the British shellfish industry is worth crowing about. Crabby government ministers, who have previously tended to clam up, are suddenly queueing up like lorries in Dover to praise the scheme. LCD Views managed to winkle out a couple of quotes.

“This is just fantastic!” gushed Fisheries Minister Victoria Prentis, tearing herself away from the ceremonial opening of a bottle of Merlot. “The EU never saw that coming, did they?”

“I couldn’t agree more,” agreed DEFRA supremo George Eustice. “I’ve just written to them informing them that I didn’t vote for this, and that they had better jolly well sort it out!”

How will the children react when they discover langoustines for lunch? Suddenly the ministers disappeared in a puff of red, white, and blue sovereignty.

Global Britain. The world is your oyster.

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