Friend of Tory MP lands £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS

CAN YOU SMELL THAT? SOMETHING SMELLS : Great news today for struggling Tory party donors as the kleptocratic basket case they helped to create is now rewarding them both tangibly and imaginatively.

In particular it’s fantastic news for newly created Baroness Vice of Back-on-Hander with the decision to award her company, Applause Please plc, a £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS.

“It wouldn’t be right to accept the thousands of pounds we as MPs are receiving as a pay rise and not pay a chum millions to do something non-monetary for the dedicated NHS workers. Gesture politics are us!”

How the claps will be supplied is yet to be decided and it’s thought most of the £112m will be spent on consultants, and sub-contractors, to work out they best way to deliver the applause.

“We think the world of the NHS. People who dedicate themselves to the public good and weather all sorts of nonsense, and reduction in resources and standard of living caused deliberately by the government, we rely on them. They are wonderful. We can take advantage of them on Monday. Wake up Tuesday and do it all over again. It’s only right someone earns many millions working out the best way to press hands together rapidly to say thanks. A badge isn’t enough. Whatever it takes. We will strain every sinew to say thanks.”

It is hoped that Applause Please plc will also usher in a new era for the chum chum chumocracy as it bleeds the state dry.

“I would encourage anyone who is worried about their finances to visit their local Conservative association and donate some money to the local campaign. The rate of conversion is currently £1 donated will be returned as £1m, by way of a contract awarded without tender, so long as you remember to set up a company a few days before ‘winning’ the contract.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW! Let’s clap for the NHS! And pay a friend of a Tory MP to supply the claps to do it!

Nice work if you can get it.

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