Gamekeepers to sedate Boris and move him to Cumbrian safari park

There are expected to be dramatic scenes at the foreign office this morning as gamekeepers, presumably from London Zoo, are rumoured to be called in to sedate pet bull elephant Boris and move him to an undisclosed Cumbrian safari park.

“We have to take action. It’s in the national interest,” head of things with tusks, Dr G. Whizz, told LCD Views natural history correspondent.

“It’s inconceivable to have a bull elephant like Boris, who is perpetually in musk, just roaming free crashing into the furnishings at the foreign office any longer.

There’s a lot of antiques, some of them are already in need of repair. And he breaks every single thing you give him to play with, especially if it was gifted to us by a foreign government. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a suitable environment for an animal of his nature.”

It’s believed Boris won’t be bought back out of sedation gently, but will be jammed in the backside with a massive dose of steroids to shock him onto his feet in the hope he’ll run into nearby woods, hit a tree, knock himself out and have a revelation.

“We really want him to undo the horrific bit of incompetence involving that woman on holiday in Iran. Falling that, we hope he’ll decide to get his balls chopped off and calm the fuck down for a while.

At least in the Cumbrian countryside, in the drizzle, behind electric fences, he’s far enough away from Downing Street so he can’t get any ideas about being re-homed inside no 10. And he has those all the time. Give him a bucket of paint and a brush and some butcher’s paper and he draws 10’s endlessly.”

It’s hoped Boris will decide also, while residing at the safari park, to have his balls chopped off  and chill out, a bit like a neutered cat. But no one is holding out much hope.

Presumably a metaphorical, political poacher will sooner or later see to that with a giant pair of grisly shears, maybe before the next appalling gaffe that directly impacts on the life of someone rotting in a tyrannical regime’s prison, maybe not though, after all, Boris is Boris…

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