CONSCIOUS BIAS : THE UK’S EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN “I WAS FIRED FOR LEAKING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND REHIRED” WILLIAMSON has spoken of his fears for the current generation of students. His concerns come on the back of the A level result fiasco in England, which he could “see coming from a thousand miles away”, but did nothing to prevent.
“Can you imagine it?” Williamson told shocked students today, attending an A* Grade Party at the Department for Education. “If we don’t do something to get this right, there could be millions more just like me? I am terrified for the future of the country. Our institutions are ancient and deep rooted, but even they can only absorb so much of our toxic incompetence.”
How the Education Secretary stumbled upon the degree of self awareness required to make the comments isn’t yet clear (we’re presuming it’s because we’ve imagined him for the purpose of this article), but what is clear is the fury of parents and students alike.
Still, Williamson has at least finding support within the ranks of his own party.
“Dashing the hopes of the young is what we set out to achieve,” Jack Smart, Tory MP for Cleverly, told LCD Views, “inflated statistics are for the employment figures, not for the purposes of university entrance. Imagine if we’d let teachers decide the grades, based on their actual personal knowledge of the students and concern for their welfare? Total catastrophe. Who will pick the fruit at the end of the Brexit transition period? We’ll all starve. Essentially you should be thanking Williamson for ensuring we all stay fed.”
And there’s another added benefit to allowing an algorithm to take over this year. And it’s not a sober re-evaluation and the decision to not introduce an overhaul of a vital system in a period of unprecedented disruption, and without running it parallel to the existing system for some years first, in order to effectively calibrate it.
“Dom will have to fix this algorithm now,” the MP noted, “it’ll cost millions. He’s identified a mate who isn’t yet a millionaire. Get grading done! By this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, unless you’re a school leaver in 2020. You’ll be serving millionaires forever, which is only right and proper.”