George Osborne to stage 2017 Conservative party nativity play in butcher’s shop

George Osborne is expected to use the front page of today’s Evening Standard newspaper to announce he is to stage the 2017 Conservative party nativity play in a butcher’s shop.

The giant economic brain responsible for the fastest recovery from the global financial crisis and a period of extended prosperity that saw inequality shrink to invisibility in Britain by cleverly shaming people born without silver spoons jammed up their backsides is expected to bring his trademark compassion to the task of staging the perennial drama.

LCD Views couldn’t get through to George, in spite of having him on speed dial (he’s probably really busy working all his jobs), so we spoke to someone who claimed to be his aide instead.

“Blood. Hachets. Vengeance. The smell of terror in corridors. The overriding theme of this year’s Conservative party nativity play is going to be revenge. Not your pussy footing about payback either. Straight in the face with an axe takedowns.”

It’s understood Theresa May will be asked to play the innkeeper who turns the famous expectant parents away.

Under George’s direction they will go away for a brief period before returning axes in hand to discuss availability of a room for the night again.

“It’s going to look a bit Tarantino by the end,” the aide smiled.

“The butcher’s shop chosen is near Smithfield Market in London so as to capture the specific atmosphere of fear, shit, blood and screaming that epitomises the ruling party since George decided to step down as Chancellor to pursue his literary interests.”

LCD Views believed Mr Osborne has a chequered history overseeing the country’s bank accounts and the division created since 2010, but we’re well up for watching his idea of a nativity for his party.

Go get them George. This light entertainment spectacle is a potential beginning of the counterbalance to the absolute clusterf*ck you helped cause in government.

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