Get ready! Be prepared! says government changing the rules every week at the last minute

HANDS, FACE, SPACE, AND BOOMPSY-DAISY: The latest guidance for businesses facing the Brexit cliff edge has been published. Like all previous guidance, the paper it is written on is worth rather more.

LCD Views’ Purple Prose Condenser has been hard at work, and has distilled the prolix document into readable form. In essence, the guidance states, Get Ready! Be Prepared! And Stay Alert!

Of course, a rather more honest evaluation of the guidance was supplied by none other than Crime Minister (In Name Only) Boris Johnson. In his former guise as Secretary of State for Insulting Foreigners, an exasperated Johnson lost his cool when some lackey dared to ask him a searching question. “F@#k business!” was the, for once, honest retort. He won, we lost, so we will have to suck it up, while he f@#ks it up.

The business community, and to be honest, the rest of us as well, have been hoping for clarity. But it’s difficult to Get Ready For Brexit when nobody knows what Brexit means, least of all those in charge of delivering it. Or at least, they do probably know, but daren’t tell the rest of us because it’s going to be catastrophic.

Meanwhile The Rules are changing faster than the Great British Weather. To lockdown, or not to lockdown, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous coronavirus, or to take arms against a sea of naysayers? And as for Brexit, well the UK’s world beating negotiators are still quibbling over fishing rights and refusing to engage until they get their own way.

So nobody knows. F@#ked businesses will have to respond instantly to demands that should have been made clear years ago.

In conclusion, this is what to do. Stock up on baked beans, toilet roll, and candles. It’s going to be a long, dark, winter.

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