Global Britain to pour water into the English Channel creating a slope so migrant boats slide downhill to France

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE: Send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel has found the perfect solution to the supposed migrant crisis. By piling up water on the English side of the Channel, she will force invading vessels to slide back downhill to France.

Patel despatched her best lieutenants to make the arrangements. LCD Views has seen the minutes of the planning meeting, and has reconstructed events.

“I’m in charge, now show me where the water is on the map!” demanded Dominic Raab.

“It’s there, all the blue stuff,” replied Chris Grayling. “It’s everywhere!”

“Ahem, that’s where Mr Grayling has been crayoning on the map,” remarked the incredulous civil servant appointed to do the necessary paperwork.

Several hours later, a clean map had been pinned to the wall, the right way up. “Excellent!” remarked Raab. “Now the water will all flow down to the Channel at the bottom!” The civil servant facepalmed, not for the first time.

“So the water hasn’t flowed away because there are hollows in the land? And that’s what lakes are?” asked Grayling tentatively.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s called the Lake District,” confirmed the civil servant wearily.

“Will it matter if we drain them?”

“No, it’s in The North.”

“Look! There’s lots more water over there!” said Raab, pointing at Wales.

“Yes, we’ll take all the water from the Welsh lakes. The Welsh are so thick they will never cotton on. They didn’t notice when we drowned all those villages to make reservoirs, the bloody fools. Cofiwch Dryweryn?”

“You what?” asked Raab.

“Never mind, let’s get it done,” said the frustrated civil servant.

The project was given an unexpected boost when Liz Truss revealed that she has an advisor who can supply all the water you want from a factory in China.

The new slope in the Channel has another hidden benefit. The UK is set to be world beating at water skiing.

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