Boris Johnson to mention Waterloo once when visiting Macron as he thinks he’ll get away with it

A SENSE OF NATIONAL PRIDE : Boris Johnson’s team are tight lipped ahead of his planned meeting with democratically elected French President Macron, but nonetheless LCD Views has obtained an imagined leak from his office.

“He’s going to make a lot of jokes about the shape of baguettes and how firm they should be,” the leak reveals, “he’ll also ask Macron to translate for him ‘fit, young filly’ into French. This will be a subtle insult to show who is dominant.”

But the insults calculated to prove Boris is the alpha male wont stop there. Afterwards Boris will ask Macron what he made of the “cheese eating surrender monkeys” joke, before moving onto deeper Anglo-French history.

“Napoleon is clearly a sore point for the French. As the English beat him twice. There may have been a few other nations involved, a rudimentary EU army of sorts, but if we were there it really was all our work, with some hangers on.”

To thrust the point in Mr Johnson is expected to mention the Battle of Waterloo.

“But only once. That’s all we calculate we can get away with.”

How the French contingent will respond isn’t clear. But it is obvious the display of powerful British rhetoric will have them on the back feet, where they belong when faced with an Englishman.

Our French team have given the matter some consideration and have this calculated guess at President Macron’s response to Mr Johnson’s hugging and puffing.

“He’ll simply say no to whatever the chancer suggests,” our team reckons, “just he’ll do it in English and French consecutively. This will be just like what happened yesterday with Merkel. Which is good practice. After Brexit English prime ministers will need to be well adjusted to hearing foreign leaders constantly saying no to their requests and then telling them what to do.”

If this doesn’t deal with Mr Johnson the French are expected to fire a cow at him from from a catapult, or trebuchet.

10 Downing Street advises voters to come up with “alternative arrangements” for food by October 31st

CHALK OR CHEESE : The great British chalk mining industry is set for boom times from the 1st of November as hungry Brits show the resourcefulness and grit that saw them personally survive the war.

“The White Cliffs of Dover are an abundant source of alternatives to cheese,” Mr Were Wolff, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views, “and I think people will find that with just a little bit of the imagination Britons are famous for, bark will do for bread.”

As part of the drive to normalise the insanity No Deal Brexit will bring, the government will soon release educational videos and posters. The videos will future a backing track of wealthy, on point, elderly Radio 4 Today programme presenters chuckling in the background.

“If people actually put in some effort and stop blaming the government they will find that alternative arrangements for food can be found all over the streets and in the looted corner shops of Brexit Britain.”

But the dental industry has expressed surprise at the direction to eat chalk, instead of cheese.

“These so called dentists worried about the impact of scurvy weakened enamel by accidental consumption of the hard flint found in the chalk are over egging an eggless meal,” Mr Were Wolff easily retorted, “they would be better served trying to come up with alternative arrangements for teeth to begin with. Clearly most will be ground down in anxiety anyway. Anxiety over not being first in line to take advantage of the opportunities provided by Brexit to trade with the world.”

But even the MoD has expressed concern.

“We’ll need that flint to make weapons and entrenching tools,” Ministry of Defence spokesman, Mrs Random Tory MP Who Will Say Somethimg, said, “I’ll be having talks with my colleagues to ensure both bellies and armouries can be filled.”

Chalk isn’t cheese, until you learn to believe.

We’re Finnished! EU trolls UK by giving Britain’s vote to Finland

Take Back Control! Finland will now vote on EU matters on behalf of Britain, after diplomats were ordered to skive off EU meetings. This is an epic piece of trolling by the EU, whose grasp of English is so much better than ours.

The Finns will be delighted. They will vote for the EU to have all the UK’s fish, so the Finns will have the fish, instead of the fish having fins. They will also block Boris Johnson’s personal escape plan, which is to grow a beard and masquerade as Santa Claus.

This rash decision by a rasher Prime Minister will bring home the bacon… if you are Finnish. It means that even if the UK suffers a sudden epidemic of common sense, our very British issues will become Very Finnish Problems.

LCD Views’ Beyond The Arctic Circle correspondent asked Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab for his thoughts. “Errm, hmm, ermm,” stated Raab confidently, the bead of sweat above the pulsing vein in his temple betraying his supreme control of the situation. “Yeah, whatever, umm, well, we have, yes, we have, err, promised to leave the EU, come or die, do what will, on October the thingy, so there, that’s the main thing, isn’t it?”

So that’s reassuring anyway.

The Finns have been granted Power of Attorney in the absence of the UK from the debating chambers. It is almost as if the EU has decided that the UK is no longer sufficiently in control of its faculties.

After all, who would want to be involved in one of the biggest trading blocs on the planet, right on their doorstep? A society for the mutual benefit of its members, and peace between nations? No thanks, we would rather throw in our lot with an unstable, unpredictable and frankly dangerous loon with a dodgy past and far too much fake tan. It’s much more fun that way.

The clock is ticking. It’s a race to start what we have Finnished.

Boris Johnson to beat a BMW with a tree branch while visiting Angela Merkel

MAKE BRITAIN GRATE AGAIN : Boris Johnson is to take the fight to the heart of the EU today when he visits Angela Merkel in Germany to demand things he knows she can’t concede.

“He’s going to garble some German and grin like he’s had a lobotomy, but retained the ability to speak incoherently all the same in Eton.” an aide, travelling with the last PM of Britannia, told LCD Views.

“He’s also going to mention the war. But only once, as that’s as much as we think he can get away with.”

But after the initial pleasantries events are expected to take a dramatic turn as Boris the showman comes forth to startle his buttoned up hosts.

“They’ll be doing a walk about of a BMW showroom for the press,” the aide reveals, “and that’s when Boris will let loose with a tree branch to show he’s serious about devastating Britain with a No Deal Brexit.”

While the performance will certainly do much to underscore the evaluation of British sanity held by the leaders of the EU27, it has already caused a ripple of scandal at home.

“He’s sourced the big stick from the Black Forest,” the aide reveals, “that’s because he wants it to be a surprise. He can’t just travel on the Eurostar with a tree branch and expect to shock the Germans. That would be insane!”

It’s thought the beating of the BMW with the tree branch will serve as a warning to the German automakers too.

“They’re taking their own sweet time before saving us from Brexit,” the aide frowned, “but after they see Boris walking loudly and carrying a big stick, they’ll know exactly what they have to do about the future of their investments in Blighty.”

USUKA : US senator says no need for FTA with UK after Brexit as “We’ll just buy the UK cheap anyway”

PROJECT ASSET STRIPPER : Can assets strip? What do they wear underneath? Is it silky and sheer? Does it cover the rear? Are British assets outwardly prim and repressed, but behind closed doors kinky and rapacious? All these questions and more will be answered after Brexit.

“It’s going to be wonderful. So great. So so big. Really just the biggest. I can smell the fire sale smoke from here, all the way across the Atlantic,” US Senator Mr Durti Deeds III spoke to LCD Views earlier, giving his vision for post Brexit relations across the pond, “it’s already smouldering. All that US money hasn’t been injected into UK politics via ‘think tanks’ and pretend media outlets for nothing.”

Good to know! There’s a plan for us after all.

“I’ll just snuggle you down in my portfolio and wait for your asset value to rise again, after clearing out the deadwood, before selling you on to the Chinese for a profit.”

Reassuring news indeed, with fears the UK will be vulnerable and all alone after Brexit.

“The special relationship is gonna get real special. Especially once the market is allowed to do its Godly work of sorting out all those regulations and all that red tape.”

The words from the senator contrasted with others who were saying there’s not going to be a trade deal if the UK government doesn’t protect peace in NI.

“There won’t be a Northern Ireland after Brexit,” our man shrugged, “there will be an Ireland. It’s plain as day. So this is all virtue signalling to distract from the real business to be done.”

Project Firesale. That’s Brexit. That’s always being Brexit. Take back control of what we never lost control of to lose control of it complete.

Edvard Munch’s The Scream to become new UK flag after Brexit

What with the continued threat of Scottish independence if Brexit goes ahead, their departure from the UK would mean the Union Jack having to be redesigned. Suggestions have been flooding in, and it would seem that a favourite has already emerged based on the number of entries.

The current preferred choice for the new Union Jack is Edvard Munch’s famous painting The Scream.

If this came to pass, it would make the UK only the second country in the world to have a flag with people on it, the first being Belize.

The famous image was first suggested by one Dee Zeiner, 28, who deigned to be interviewed for this.
“The whole UK is going to be screaming anyway if Brexit happens,” she explained, “so we might as well have a flag that depicts this.”

She has even given the design a name. If her design wins, the new national banner will be known as Flaggy McFlagface. In the current climate, it’s not even sure if the name is a joke or not.

It has been suggested, however, that the picture isn’t of somebody screaming but of someone hearing a scream, as the subjects hands are at his ears.

“Well, if the image isn’t a scream, it could just as easily be interpreted as someone putting their hands over their ears and making a noise to drown out what they’re hearing, which is the Brexiters position in a nutshell.”

Predictably Boris Johnson, who is unbelievably now Prime Minister of the once-great-but-now-coming-apart-at-the-seams UK, scoffed at the thought.

“Brexit won’t change our good old Union Jack, and nor will Scottish independence. We’ll still have the good old red, white and blue to wave at all those foreigners who were stupid enough to be born in other countries.”

And if that’s not the most Boris thing that Boris has ever said, I’d like to know what is.

Entries for the new flag competition must arrive by the end of September. The winner will be announced post-Brexit.

Priti pleased with herself : Brexit UK becomes world’s first Fuckoffcracy

THIS IS BEING DONE IN YOUR NAME : The stellar achievements and tangible benefits of Brexit for the UK are too often not reported. The chance to move home due to government policy. The opportunity to revive barter in a cashless society. The ability to improve your handwriting by filling out endless customs and visa forms. Well. Today that changes.

“We’re to become the world’s foremost Fuckoffcracy,” a Home Office android told LCD Views, on the condition we did not keep the news to ourselves.

Under the bold and enterprising plan Home Office minister, Priti Patel, has decided to revive a failed negotiating tactic from failed May’s premiership.

“We’re attempting to hold millions of people to ransom in the hope of bluffing the EU into caving on peace and security on the island of Ireland,” the droid smiled, “with not a care for the psychological anguish this causes. With no thought to the reputation harm to the UK. This time we really believe we are going to win.”

And the prize is immense. It is a golden moment. To tear up the legal rights of millions of people overnight. Just like that.

“Not since the 1930’s has a developed country had the vim and verve of Brexit Britain,” the droid sparked (one pulsating spark at the temple), “just imagine being Boris Johnson, with Priti Patel riding shotgun, and looking twenty seven countries that called us friend in the face and saying, at the stroke of a clock millions of your citizens will have many of the most vital rights ripped from their hands. That takes some nerve.”

Brexit Britain. The world’s most prominent Fuckoffcracy. And it’s being done right now and in your name.

“If we can treat the lives of foreign born citizens with such contempt,” the droid finished, “just wait till you see what we’ll do to you after you’ve allowed us to take away your freedom of movement.”

British government steals itself to dump British Steel for a steal

TURKISH DELIGHT : The future of British Steel looks secure today after the pension fund of the Turkish military successfully bid to buy the traditional British industry out of insolvency. This follows the completely surprising disinterest in doing so by the Conservative ‘Thatcher reboot’ currently lodged in 10 Downing Street.

“It just shows how easy a free trade deal with Turkey will be,” a David Davis impersonator commented on Twitter, “I mean, they already own British steel and that’s a key industry. What will they shop for next?”

But proper potatriotic, British, Brexit backing asset strippers poured scorn on the Turkish government for the ridiculous timing of their salvation of 5,000 British jobs.

“Amateurs,” Lord Pog of Pogness scoffed, “if they’d waited until the 1st of November then they would have gotten this bastion of British manufacturing a hell of a lot cheaper. Why shell out now? The pound will be at parity with the Turkish lira by November. Amateurs. Don’t they understand what a No Deal Brexit means? A firesafe of British assets. It amazes me really. These foreigners and how little they seem to know about traditional British disaster capitalism.”

And Pog wasn’t the only Brexiter getting into the act. It’s rumoured that Tim Martin is to release a special series of beer soaked infomercials, or beermats, to praise the success of British industry in the Brexit reality.

“A FTA with Turkey will be the easiest in history!” The mats will proclaim, “After all, they already got British Steel for a steal!”

It’s completely puzzling that the British government couldn’t find a spare billion to save a British industry. They’re so readily throwing money at the preparations for the No Deal Brexit they have little intent on seeing through, but it is good the invasion of millions of Turkish lira have saved the jobs of 5,000 people.

Brexit, with any luck, the foreigners the Brexiters insult and treat with disdain, may just ride to the rescue and save us from ourselves…

Post Brexit UK to attract the brightest and best by paying them huge sums to come and fix us

JUST NAME YOUR PRICE : The United Kingston’s elected representatives have spent a lot of time recently telling everyone how they will attract the brightest and best to the country, post Brexit.

“This has been met with huge amounts of justifiable skepticism by remainers. Actually anyone paying attention to what a devaluing currency and a hard fought reputation for xenophobia, newly acquired, can do,” our International Relations expert says, “but all those gloomsters and naysayers are missing the point.”

So the patriotic types who think Brexit will herald in a new dawn for the country are right? They’re not deluded, willingly brainwashed idiots at all?

“Well, let’s not get carried away now. Remember the editorial line chosen at the inception of this publication on Brexit.”

So they’re deluded, willingly brainwashed idiots? Confused by a changed world. Retreating into a manufactured, fictional past for comfort? Rather than face whatever issues imperfect nurturing has left, combined with an unwillingness for honest self examination about the mistakes of their adult life? So privately troubled when they stare into the bathroom mirror in the morning and wonder how it’s all gone so wrong? Who is to blame?

“Some are. Others are just racists. But you’re missing the point.”

Well, what is it?

“They are wrong because the sun never sets on the British Empire. Thus it can’t rise to herald a new dawn.”

Oh of course! But how will we attract the brightest and the best to Blighty after intentionally turning our constitutional monarchy into a banana republic run out of 55 Tufton Street?

“Some stiff sentences for electoral crimes would help.”

Noted. But the answer? The real answer?

“We’ll be paying them whatever they bloody well ask to come back.”

Ah, now it all makes sense. Long live the Magic Money tree. The Magic Money tree is dead. Long live the magic money tree.

Duck and Cover – Johnson promises Britons Anderson shelters to protect against EU food bombs!

BRITONS YOU’RE IN SAFE HANDS : “Under the ground no one can touch you,” Boris ‘Bonkers’ Johnson began his latest Facepamphlet Live broadcast to the nation today, “not Junker, not Merkel, not Macron and certainly not a food bomb.”

The prime minister, the father of all the nation’s children, young and old, spoke in a reassuringly calm manner. Firelight lit the side of his face and sparkled off his bright eyes as he brought comfort to an increasingly anxious nation.

Especially nice was the vintage 1940’s wireless set just behind his right shoulder, evoking memories of a time when Britain also faced the dark clouds alone. And although the clouds may now be gathering because of an entirely self-contrived rain dance at home, the message was the same.

We can do it!

“And let me also reassure those of you who may have come and settled in our green and pleasant and newly bunkered land, those from EU27 states, you will only be charged a nominal fee to share a space with a patriotic Briton, should the air raid sirens sound after I successfully deliver a No Deal Brexit this All Hallows’ Eve!”

One fist pump. Just one. A slow and measured raising of the hand into a securely flat palmed salute to the country.

“You will of course have to apply in advance under a new “Unsettled Embarrassed” scheme that my good colleague Priti Patel is currently organising to identify the location of every foreign traitor, I mean, husband, wife, grandparent, child and friend. Global Briton is a truly hospitalising place.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that encouraging patriots to hide underground when the food bombs drop will make it harder for the aid parcels to be found. You won’t know which copse or gully to look in if you didn’t see them land.

Mr Johnson is out front of that.

“We will also have a technological solution to find the widely dispersed food aid, should the EU pilots and edible materials bombardiers prove to have poor aim,” Mr Johnson added, “specially trained parrots, even now being prepared by Michael Gove, will land upon the food drops and sing so you know where they’re to be found.”

We’re in our bunker Junker! We’re going underground! Brexit, let’s make a success of it!