Nicola Sturgeon advised to tell Boris Johnson IndyRef will be advisory only

CUT THE BLUE OR THE RED WIRE : Nicola Sturgeon is on the receiving end of unsolicited and timely advice today as she celebrates romping home in Scotland.

Even as she warms her hands over Alex Salmond’s failure to win a seat she is being told how best to get permission for a second Independence Referendum from Westminster.

“Just tell Downing Street that IndyRef2 will be advisory only,” an anonymous note is reported to have said. “Worked a treat in the Brexit stitch up. We pulled off a minor win thanks to dark money, electoral law breaking and massive social media manipulation and then called it an overwhelming mandate. It was hilarious.”

Whether or not Ms Sturgeon either needs or will heed the unsolicited tidbit isn’t clear, as she seems to know what she’s about.

“She doesn’t really need to pull off a con like the Brexit referendum,” our Union Analyst comments. “She can rely on an industrial scale gaslighting campaign from Johnson and Gove. They’ll do the work for her.”

Clearly it would be possible to save the United Kingdom but the required tools are unlikely to be in Boris Johnson’s box.

“It will take treating the Scots with respect, furthering empowering Holyrood and a summit on how best to reorganise the power sharing arrangements of the entire country to enable the smaller regions to have an actual say in overall governance. So good luck with that.”

Downing Street is said to believe Johnson can pull it off but leaks suggest plans are also being drawn up for more “Inland Customs Facilities” once the UK’s newest customs border is established north of Newcastle.

Cash STRAPPED Boris offers to sell Scotland to EU to raise CASH

THE LAST KING OF ENGLAND : Great news for high end painters and decorators today after a 10 Downing Street leak revealed the Prime Minister has offered to sell Scotland to the EU.

There was deep concern that CASH STRAPPED Boris Johnson may not have enough readies to retile the No 11 flat in actual elephant fur but a late night drinking session appears to have been a fortunate decision.

“It was while opening the third crate of Bollinger manfully himself that the PM paused,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “He stared with widening eyes and said, just a minute, just a minute, no hesitation, deviation or…before falling silent. Next he belched and fist pumped the air several times. Muttered something about so many kids and school fees before belching again.”

It was after the second round of belching that the genius wheeze was finally verbalised.

“Didn’t the Reds sell Kissinger Alaska?” the PM is reported to have demanded of his drinking companions. “Why in blazes can’t we just flog Scotland off to Brussels?”

Why not indeed.

“The jocks will go for it. Old Barnier gets to write a sequel after the sales negotiations and Carrie gets to buy whatever the bally hell carpet she likes for the WC.”

It’s not expected that Scotland will be consulted on the potential sale as that would just “give them ideas above their station”.

What Brussels will make of the offer isn’t entirely clear, nor what Scots Tories will think. The idea is said to have found immediate favour among the cabinet as they’re all nodding dogs.

“Gove can pitch it to the British public. Not that anyone is paying attention to what we do anyway. And it’ll nicely stitch up Sturgeon. Imagine being this close to her dreams and having them snatched away in a real estate transaction. Classic Boris.”

The plan also solves a recurring problem for backbench Tory MPs who won’t have to worry about hanging the Union Jack the wrong way up anymore, as it will just be a red cross.

If the sale is successful it will also open the doors to selling Wales next and potentially Northern Ireland to Joe Biden.

Boris has overseen one of the worst pandemic mortality responses on the planet and gotten away with it. The skies the limit. Well, just north of Newcastle maybe the limit soon but who cares?”

French call off invasion of UK fishing waters after realising Johnson has already destroyed UK industry

CLOSE CALL : The French government has announced it has drawn back from plans for a full scale military invasion of the UK’s fishing grounds, much to the disgust of kippers.

The majority of the Brexit backing UK press were gun-ho for an invasion and a war. The failure of Macron to take the bait and attack the UK is seen as a massive setback for Brexit. An immediate search is on to find another agreement to break in the hope of causing violent reprisals.

“We’ll have to try something else now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Maybe we should stop trying to break international law and just outlaw croissants? Outlaw French wine imports. Outlaw French kissing. Outlaw French windows. Outlaw lingerie. Outlaw baguettes. Outlaw the eating of all land molluscs. Make it a full scale assault on the entirety of French culture. That may do the trick. Alternatively we could just sent Lord Frost back across the Channel.”

The search is also on for exactly why the French pulled back just as it looked like they were going to nuke Jersey.

“We realised that Prime Minister (pause for laughter) Boris Johnson has already destroyed the United Kingdom’s fishing industry. What is the point of grabbing the lure he threw in front of us then? We just decided to go home and wait for him to back down, as always.”

The one thing Downing Street has achieved though is a distraction on polling day. Which is nice.

Johnson can take the rank of Admiral now. He loves dressing up. Antagonising our friends and allies is just for kicks. His real passion is make believe with the costume box. Then breaking stuff, like the country. Just because he can. Or he’s a foreign asset? No one is really sure which.”

Revelation Henry VIII’s warship “Mary Rose” had “multi-ethnic” crew listed under official secrets act

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The Government has moved swiftly today to combat an outbreak of historical revision that threatens the entire foundation of mighty Brexitannia.

The threat to the country emerged with the morning edition of the saboteurs’ rag of choice “The Guardian” which carried a story about the ethnic diversity of Henry VIII’s famous warship the “Mary Rose”.

“Our first instinct was to re-sink the Mary Rose,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just take it back out into the Solent and let it go. It now seems reckless in the extreme to raise it from its watery grave. And under Thatcher’s watch too! It’s a nightmare. Heaven help us too if news gets out that the English have always been ethnically diverse.”

It is further reported that a meeting of COBR was immediately convened to consider the matter, and cooler heads prevailed. Although the Prime Minister wasn’t present, as he was having his standard lie in, he was informed of the decision and is said to have concurred so long as “he gets his Bloody Mary. Never mind the bloody Mary Rose. This hangover is a bastard”.

“The decision was taken to impose a complete reporting ban on the new scientific discoveries and place all relevant facts regarding the famous warship under the Official Secrets Act. That’s for the next one thousand years. As long as the ToryKip government anticipates reigning, once they redraw constituency boundaries.”

Happily it seems as if action was taken in time to repress the story of the Mary Rose’s ethnically diverse crew.

“This is the trouble with experts. They find things out that threaten the very fabric of society. Ignorance is bliss. That’s Brexit. Let’s keep it that way.”

Government to spend £500m on giant inflatable Winston Churchill to accompany new royal yacht

HOT AIR RISES : Downing Street is to put Global Britain firmly in its place on the map with the announcement of plans to build a giant Winston Churchill inflatable.

The monumental project will be funded from money saved by awarding PPE contracts to friends of Matt Hancock during the pandemic.

“We’ve saved hundreds of millions through cronyism over the last year,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Many of the businesses awarded contracts failed to deliver any product in spite of product sums in the many millions. This lead to significant savings as we didn’t have to pay to store any PPE. We think it only sensible to spend these savings on a moving symbol of national renewal.”

It’s not clear where the floating Churchill will be constructed but it is certain how it will be inflated.

“A direct pipeline will be constructed from all of the PM’s residences direct to a holding facility at Dover. All of the hot air the prime minister produces will be piped to a giant tank and tapped to inflate Winston.”

Safety concerns about the holding facility have been dismissed with the planners ignoring worries it could be overfilled and explode.

“Any concerns about too great a build up of pressure at the prime ministerial hot air holding tanks are nonsense. He naps through most afternoons so the supply will be self-regulating. Clearly if he starts talking in his sleep we’ll just build a larger tank.”

The construction of the floating Churchill is anticipated to finish in time for the maiden voyage of the new Royal yacht.

“Winston will stride from Dover with HMY Prince Philip and the world will gaze in wonder at what we’ve achieved free of the smothering hand of Brussels.”

Plans to include a bar and bouncy castle inside the inflatable have drawn admiration from supporters of Boris Johnson.

“The only quibbles are from a few Tory backbenchers who are demanding the inflatable Churchill have laser turrets for eyes. We intend to give them all laser pens when they step onboard and they can light up France from the viewing platform to their heart’s content.”

But it won’t all be pomp and circumstance as there will be serious work to be done by the inflated national icon.

Trade negotiations will be held inside the floating statue around the world. The meeting rooms will be in the buttocks and a megaphone will protrude to the rear to broadcast the Prime Minister’s statements to whichever colony Winston happens to be moored off at the time. You’ll see. The Commonwealth will fall right into line.”

Boris Johnson asks James Dyson to build a bridge to Northern Ireland in exchange for council tax refund

GREAT EXPANSE OF NOTHING : When self professed patriots assemble in the national interest anything can happen.

This age old truth has never been truer than in the current epoch of Global Britain and Global Britain in crisis. It’s good to know the self professed patriots have indeed assembled.

“They’ve come together via WhatsApp,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All texting each other like crazy. It’s a complete love in. Boris and James are texting so frequently people are just amazed at the depth of feeling.”

Depth is a key word in the relationship. Depth of the PM’s pockets as he uses his position of First Lord of the Treasury to spend, spend, spend the UK’s way out of crisis. Just look at the results. They’re plain as day. If Mr Johnson wasn’t PM the U.K. pandemic death toll would likely be very different. But he hasn’t done it alone, the spending that is.

“Mr Dyson has been a great assistance. He’s promised to build life saving equipment. It’s the thought that counts after all. Now he’s going to promise the big one.”

The big one being a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland that will magically solve the customs border crisis Mr Johnson caused by promising not to cause it.

“All he wants in exchange is a refund on his council tax to the tune of tens of millions. It’s an offer too good to be true. The PM has grabbed it. Just think of the headlines.”

And what will the bridge be built of?

“Why hot air of course. This way it can float over the customs border and the EU won’t even notice. Just like no one noticed the ventilators.”

Boris Johnson says U.K. is hosting a “Superleague” of CV-19 variants thanks to border policies

OPEN ALL HOURS : The UK’s leading handshaker of viruses Boris Johnson has taken time out of his busy dressing up schedule this afternoon to speak about his pride over the UK’s pandemic achievements.

“There is a long list of fearful, wretched countries who drew the curtains across the windows of the world early in 2020. They twitch aside the drapes and peer with scrunched up, curious eyes as the blazing lights of the pandemic shine like bonfires on the cliffs of eternity,” he told a slightly weary audience via a mass Zoom.

“But not here! Not in this green and pleasant land. We still welcome all comers. Just because we took back control of our borders doesn’t mean we have to close them. We spent all last year arguing over whether or not masks were of use in a plague with a respiratory illness. That’s because we’re geniuses. Come in, I say! Come in through a porous border policy. Science gains when all the variants are mixed together in glorious play. The UK is leading the way. Just think of the opportunity to work on boosters for the existing vaccines? World beating!”

And the UK is certainly up there. It has one of the highest death rates on earth and there’s still time to do better. Just so long as the border remains half closed and half open so Tory MPs and supporters can enjoy their lives as close to normal as possible.

“Of course we could just simply lockdown fully for a few weeks and pursue elimination of the virus. Then do contract tracing and fully supported community isolation and quarantine. Be more like New Zealand, Australia, South Korea, Japan and many others who decided to rob their scientists of the chance to study the world’s many variants up close. But where would be the shareholder profit in that? You don’t elect disaster capitalists to government if you want a fast pandemic.”

He’s right.

“We’re hosting a Superleague of mutants. In the worlds of the famous singer King, Don’t stop me now! I’m having such a good time! The UK is an example to everybody and you’ve me to thank for that. And as long as I’m your manager, with my handchosen team, we’ll always be in the CV-19 superleague!”

Downing Street release recording of MPs laughing all the way to the bank to cheer up voters

MINE GOES UP TO ELEVEN : To celebrate the success of Boris Johnson’s government, Downing Street has released a special recording of MPs’ voices.

The recording is a compilation of MPs emotionally reacting to their time in government and what it means to them.

“It’s an incredibly rich recording, because so many of the MPs began as multi-millionaires or are that wealthy now, due to tireless public service. Clearly one gets rewarded for one’s sacrifices, often to a surprising degree.”

The first people to hear the recording say it is incredibly cheerful as all the MPs featured are laughing.

“No discernible words. Just raucous laughter. They’re all in it together. It’s amazing to hear such happy people who aren’t afraid to let the general public know it.”

But it’s not just the emotions involved, there’s texture to the laugh track, as the MPs are all on a journey to the same destination.

“It’s the bank. They’re all laughing all the way to the bank. If you listen carefully you can hear the waterfall of tax receipts tumbling about MPs in a glorious golden shower. And towards the end of the track a lot of their family members can be heard laughing at the bank too. Which is nice.”

Being an MP in a Boris Johnson government? Nice work if you can get it. Could be nice for your siblings and parents too, if there’s a never ending pandemic.

10 Downing Street twinned with Mar-a-Lago

SPIRITUAL TWINNING : It’s a case of grin when you’re winning at 10 Downing Street today with the validating news that ex-President Donald Trump has twinned Mar-a-Lago with 10 Downing Street.

While it is usually only towns, cities and villages that come to such arrangements internationally, it’s believed President Trump and the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, considered the weight and scale of their mirrored sociopathic personality disorders were equal in size and weight. Essentially their psychological defects are cityscapes of the mind.

“There will be a special ceremony later today over Zoom where Donald will show Boris the crayon drawing he’s done all by himself as a design for the plaques they should both erect.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson feels not only a deep sense of gratitude at the invitation to twin the heart of British government with Mr Trump, but also a warm glow of mutual love.

“It’s been quite the bromance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you consider the words Mr Johnson had to say about Donnie before his election? Stinging stuff. But through recognition of their similarities love and respect entwined like syphilitic vipers.”

The joining of the two distant geographical seats of power will also provide an enduring symbol of how both men may have failed while in office, but the stain they leave behind will be remembered.

By their deeds will they be remembered,” the source adds. “Which is nice, as their words were and are meaningless.”

Spain and France write joint letter thanking The Express as it urges Brexiters to boycott Spain and France

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE : The peoples of Spain and France are in a grateful mood today as they consider the tireless efforts of British tabloids to promote their best interests.

Particular praise is being levelled at The Express, one of Global Britain’s most enthusiastic heralds, and their new drive to get Brexiters to boycott Spain and France.

While some are concerned that without Brexiters the economies of the countries face almost instantaneous collapse, the laidback continentals seem sanguine over their looming implosions.

“We would like to express our intense gratitude to The Express and indeed the other British tabloids, The Telegraph and The Spectator, for their daily drip feed of factually incontinent trash into the minds of their readers. The latest effort from The Express evokes from us a surge of warm feelings words can not possibly hope to convey.”

It seems the letter is based not only on the present, but what appears to be a boundless optimism for the future.

“It has been especially trying to witness people voting to cut their nose off constantly believing they have won something, by reducing their own rights in our countries. Simultaneously trashing the rights of the children of our lands back in the UK. Furthermore the confusion and understandable frustration of UK citizens who know exactly the travesty that is occurring, having to politely converse with Brexiters in the Spanish, or French sun. Once the Express has successfully won the argument for a boycott of our grateful nations by idiots, we will all be much happier.”

It’s not entirely clear how the letter will be received in the offices of the trash tabloid. This is predominately because it will come as a complete shock to discover that people in France and Spain can not only understand, but write in English.