Boris Johnson challenges Greek PM to a game of Elgin Marbles

LOSING YOUR MARBLES: Former Prone Monster Boris Johnsons has given his view on the row over the Elgin Marbles. In his usual diplomatic way, he has offered them in a game of winner takes all.

“If the Greek PM wants the Marbles, he’s going to have to bally well win the buggers back!” blustered Johnson in his usual measured manner. “He can come over here and we will have a jolly good game of Elgin Marbles! I was World Champion Chief Marbles Wrangler in my lower fourth days, I’ll have you know, yes indeed, erm, well, they called me Quod Effat Demon-Stacker, when I wasn’t winning at wiff-waff!”

The office of the Greek PM has issued a statement in response. “Mr Mitsotakis will not be taking up Mr Johnson’s challenge,” it reads. “We Greeks prefer to negotiate like adults, not indulge in playground competitions. However, we feel duty bound to point out that Mr Mitsotakis is an expert in the ancient art of playing marbles, so Mr Johnson can stick his infantile challenge up his great fat…”

The remainder of the statement was redacted.

The current incumbent at Number Ten was, allegedly, sanguine. “Nobody in the current administration thinks that Mr Johnson has any part to play in the current state of affairs,” said a spokeswonk. “Mr Sunak is desperate to hold on to his tenure for as long as possible, so he doesn’t want to risk being involved with Mr Johnson any more. Mr Sunak believes that Mr Johnson is being childish for the attention, and wishes to remind him that we won, you lost, so suck it up, loser-boy, get over it, and yar boo sucks!”

We can learn a lot about history from old statues. The Marbles were hacked away from their original location, subjected to rough transit, Victorian pollution, and clumsy attempts to launder them. It’s how Britain became Great.

BREAKING : Sunak offers Greek PM meeting if he makes “sizeable” donation to Tory Party

YOU’VE LOST YOUR MARBLES MATE : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S world beating Prime Minister, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak has reportedly denied claims he is unwilling to meet Greek Prime Minister Mitsotakis and said “there are always conditions to be met before meetings between heads of state.”

Quite how the Greek PM failed to understand this routine fact of international relations is anyone’s guess, but 10 Downing Street has allegedly stressed it has communicated with the Greeks and it’s likely that a meeting will now take place “after Mr Sunak’s afternoon nap and nappy change. But not to bring anything with too much sugar in it if they want Mr Sunak to sit still and concentrate”.

“The PM isn’t bothered about currency,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman is said to have said, “we’ve an election to fight. What’s important is to fill the coffers of the Tory Party.”

When pressed what they meant by that the spokesman shuffled some papers before shrugging and elaborating.

“Okay, Mitsotakis isn’t a US private health provider, he isn’t a dodgy developer, he isn’t a roaming international kleptocrat looking to establish a charter city within the UK, but that doesn’t mean he can’t stump up some money for a meeting. He just needs to make a sizeable donation to the Conservative Party’s war chest and then he’s in the door by morning tea.”

It’s not clear whether or not the Greek PM will be prepared to donate in order to meet Mr Sunak.

“Then it just shows what novices they are,” the spokesman added, “pay to play, that’s how we play in Global UK.”

It is understood though, that even if the Greek PM does donate in order to meet with Mr Sunak, there is one topic that will not be up for discussion.

“Don’t even bother bringing up the Marbles. Stop the Boats is starting to get a little thin, so we need something else to get the raging xenophobes in our base red faced over or they won’t come out to vote.”

UK relegated from Eurovision and will compete in CPTPPvision next year

IT’S A GAME OF TWO HALVES, BRIAN: The UK’s relegation was confirmed after a weak display in the final match of the season. Even VAR couldn’t save the day for the hapless UK.

What went wrong for the team that almost pulled off a shock win last time out? Was it injuries, a change of manager mid-season, or players not pulling their weight? Analyst Peter Principal looks at the evidence. 

“There are so many ways that it went wrong,” explained Principal. ‘A lot of it is to do with unrealistic expectations. If you come from nowhere and have one single great season, you expect more of the same. But if you don’t invest in key areas you go right back where you came from!”

And investment has been cut, and more cuts threatened. So in a way, the UK is paying the price for being cheap? 

“Exactly,” confirmed Principal. “In this business you speculate to accumulate. But team selection was an issue too. The team was always packed with right wingers. Nobody would play on the left, or even the centre. We got pulled out of position too easily, and left our opponents an open goal.”

Management was also an issue. 

“Yeah, Johnson always sets his teams up the same way, and almost forced victory through charisma and bullshit alone. But he got found out in the end,” said Principal. “Then Truss had that disastrous spell in charge, running the show like a six year old playing FIFA. Finally, boring, more competent Sunak took over, but the damage was done. We just weren’t good enough at the end of the day, Brian.”

So next year, the UK will compete in the far less prestigious CPTPPvision Song Contest instead. Hopes are not high, but there was one note of optimism. 

“At least we finished higher than Germany.”

Great British food banks told to celebrate Coronation banquet

UPLIFTING : The UK Government has acted today to ensure all subjects of Charles III can view the Coronation as it happens, and the extravagant banquet which follows.

“There’s disturbing reports that some people may miss the Coronation action while queuing to fill their reusable plastic bags with free tins of no-brand crushed tomatoes,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Your government is committed to ensuring this does not happen.”

The action by Downing Street is described as “coordinated”, “front footed” and “patriotic”. It will see thousands of giant LCD screens forcibly installed inside the UK’s vast network of “food pantries”. The screens themselves have been leased by a recently incorporated, government linked private company and are definitely not “fire hazards”.

“Food banks will have to repay the cost of renting the screens,” the spokesman advises, “but they can easily do that by increasing the price they charge on donated wholemeal spaghetti. Or perhaps by organising street parties and leasing bunting to participants.”

But it’s not all love and handshakes.

“Anyone attempting to avert their eyes as hundreds of inheritance millionaires get stuck into the best French champagne and Continental delicacies will be punished,” the spokesman warns. “A national celebration of unearned wealth and privilege is what makes Great Britain stand out from its neighbours. If you’re not waving a little Union Flag as Charles gets a tonne of gold and jewels lowered onto his head you’re working to undermine Britain.”

Make sure to raise a toast to your King today. After all, he’s worked all his life to earn his privilege. And what else could lift the spirits of striking workers who can’t afford food? But knowing that their King is at a banquet.

“Anyone looking to undermine the monarchy on this day of days needs to have a hard look at themselves,” the spokesman added. “Why has Charles become King? He didn’t do it by complaining about irregular bin collections. Just think about it.”

Tories to win next GE by promising to treat foreigners even worse than Brits

LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR : LABOUR are going to have a struggle to take 10 Downing Street from the Conservative Party at the next GE, and it’s not only because of their stated desire to help make the key Tory policy of Brexit work.

“We’ve been treating the UK population like shit since we returned to power in 2010,” a beaming Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “and anyone who dares to think we’re a beacon of hope.”

From Osborne demonising people receiving any welfare, to noted churchgoing humanitarian, Theresa May, and her famous “Go Home Vans”, the current downward trajectory of the country was signalled right at the start.

“But still there’s a question of whether or not we get to rule by executive power through the 2020’s,” the spokesman shrugged. “It’s a little baffling to be honest. So we’ve had a groupthink and come up with a plan. It’s on Whatsapp.”

The plan appears to be to continue trashing all and every thing that makes a community within the UK, in the service of extractive, vulture capitalism, but to double down on making life even harder for the most desperate people on Earth. So local people get a feeling of still winning.

“If we promise to really make life suck for refugees that should make people here feel relatively better after the fact we’re half freezing and half starving them all to death. And getting rich in the process. It’s pretty straightforward really. And it’s a vote winner. It also shows the world who we are.”

Labour have been quick to criticise though, demanding that public floggings return to village squares so they can criticise the policy and state they’d only bring back “stocks and pillories instead.”

“This is how it works,” the spokesman added, “we come up with something totally insane and the opposition find something to criticise in it, but generally offer their support. It makes sense, if you like having perpetual Conservative governments.”

The tax havens sure do. And the foreign billionaires who own most of our press.

“Tax dodging foreign billionaires. Now that’s one group of foreigners we never oppress.”

BREAKING : Liz Truss promises to “Save Christmas!”

THE MIDAS TOUCH : THE UK’S CURRENT PRIME MINISTER, LIZ TRUSS, WILL DEMONSTRATE SHE FULLY EMBODIES MODERN CONSERVATIVE PARTY VALUES WITH A SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF A MAJOR NEW, AND COMPLETELY IMAGINARY FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, FOOD BANK.

The speech is aimed at reassuring hardworking voters that “Liz is on their side” and, will take place at the ribbon cutting ceremony of South-east Norfolks biggest food bank to date. The bank itself has been called the “Uplifting Food Bank” in a nod of thanks to Business Secretary Jacob Rees-mogg.

Saving Christmas has become a preoccupation for Conservative Prime Ministers in recent years, largely due to the fact they spend most of the year threatening it with terrible policy choices.

“Liz will tell the deserving poor, specially bussed in for the opening of Uplifting, that she is there to help,” a source inside No 10 told LCD Views. “She’s taking the time out of her business Instagram schedule to cut the ribbon herself. And yes the ribbon is red, white and blue.”

Why Christmas needs saving this year is painfully obvious.

“Many people will be looking at this Christmas soon and wondering how the hell they’ll afford it now their fixed rate mortgage has come up for renewal?” the source explains. “What with the additional costs of importing and exporting due to intransigence in Brussels and the last Labour government. The hangover from the pandemic. The energy price crisis and now Kwasi’s mortgage rate fiasco, it will look a little darker than usual. But rising interest rates in response to global shocks and flawed policy making is just sensible fiscal management. Otherwise you have to admit that all you’ve done in government since 2010 is fuck everything up to please a bunch of crazed ideologues. Ordinary Britons have got to pay their share to keep high profits. And yes, if that means borrowing billions to fund tax cuts for the wealthiest, so be it. It’s a price we’re willing for you to pay.”

Ms Truss’s Christmas saving will be completely aligned with how she’s begun her premiership.

“She’ll make sure no millionaire goes without this year,” the source beams. “Then Christmas will trickle down to the poor. You just wait and see. By Christmas 2024 everyone will be enjoying the leftovers of Christmas 2022. In this way we expect them to be inspired to become millionaires too.”

BREAKING : Truss vows to replace Downing Street cat with a bird

ALL CHANGE NO CHANGE AT ALL : THE UK’S IMMINENT PRIME MINISTER Liz Truss has made making vows of change a trademark as she wrestles with Sunak to lead the wilfull blind deeper into the valley of darkness, and today is no exception.

While many expect David Cameron’s old moggy to lounge on at the taxpayer’s expense, rumours suggest Ms Truss is planning to level up the Prime Ministerial pet with a more fitting animal to symbolise her reign.

“The people need to see a new and reinvigorated government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “the PM has total confidence that the next PM is going to deliver that. This will ensure the rightful PM his chance of making a come back with the new and illegitimate PM is ousted before Christmas.”

Most would expect that PM Truss will choose a lion or a unicorn to replace the pensioned off Larry, but sources close to the heart of the incoming government say Ms Truss has a much more fitting, and personal touch in mind.

“It’s going to be a vulture. Maybe an entire flock,” the source claims. “Why should the real governors of sovereign Britain continue to hide in the shadows and dine in the darkness? Why shouldn’t they step out into the light and take their rightful place as Global Brexit Britain’s champions and mascots? Anyone for a free port?”

Indeed. It’s hard to think of a counter argument and it would signal a new, honest approach to ruling the UK as the new dawn breaks.

“But Ms Truss isn’t without concern for her soon to be defeated contestant Mr Sunak,” the source adds. “She’s going to name the 10 Downing Street vulture Rishi to best symbolise his, and the Tories, style of economic management.”

Liz Truss expected to say “Blitz Spirit” will enable voters to cope with high energy bills

BURNING BRIGHT : THE UK’S SECOND LAST PM BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LIZ TRUSS, is expected to address the impoverishing scale of energy cost in the United Kingdom sooner or later.

“Right now our focus is on which outfits Margaret Thatcher would have worn to sing ‘Hitler Only Had One Ball’ on Tock Tick,” an insider inside the Truss power team told LCD Views. “But right after that and her Instagram drops she’ll read the synopsis of some magical thinking on heating.”

The need to pretend to give a shit over fuel poverty, faced by millions of UK homes this winter, is only growing.

“We accept it is vital the next PM distract voters from the blistering scale of unexpected profits being made by the energy companies,” the insider admitted. “It won’t be much of a honeymoon for PM Truss if people are using burning pitchforks to chase her out of 10 Downing Street and not to heat their homes.”

How to deal with the crisis is one that the outgoing Prime Minister Mr Johnson has shown little interest in.

“That’s only reasonable,” our source confirms. “Are you going to be worrying about whether or not some dreary, work shy peasants are going to die of cold this winter when you’re having it large in the Adriatic to show your traitorous MPs what you think of them and the mess you’re leaving behind?”

But there is one lifeline Ms Truss is likely to grab hold of.

“Brits have faced winter blackouts and frozen to death in the past,” the Truss insider shrugs. “Blitz Spirit got them through before. We’ll just play a little game of it. Energy execs will hoover in cash in a struggle with food retailers for your last penny and while they’re at it PM Truss can implore you to show a little bit of the grit that allowed us to defeat Germany singlehandedly in all the wars ever fought by England.”

Liz Truss vows to “Blame Brussels” for results of 12 years of Tory policies

LIZ FOR LIZ : The UK and EU can look forward to business as usual once the decrepit cult that runs Blighty chooses its third PM without a GE in six years.

The ability of the Conservative and Unionist Party to just decide who runs the country is one of the wonders of the Westminster system, regardless of how much damage each successive useful idiot chosen by the old bores does. The public would only mess it up if they got involved, just look what they’ve done since 2010! The Queen just nodding along is the icing on the cake.

“Liz is looking forward to photos with Liz!” a Liz Truss insider told LCD Views. ”Maybe they can even be Instagram friends? They could govern via social media together and get rid of Parliament. It’s just a wasteful rubber-stamp generating red tape anyway. Imagine likes and shares of double Liz?! OMFG. Blighty is back! Take that Argentina and whoever else Thatcher didn’t like! You know Liz is Thatcher? You know that right? Does Liz know? Not Liz. The other Liz. They can’t wait to be together.”

And be together they look certain to be, even if it’s only the occasional photo to show just how things deteriorated for the Queen at the end of her long reign. Truss won’t have to wait so long though, it’ll be going wrong from day one.

“It’ll be Brussels fault,” the insider adds. ”Just look at the state of the place today! And it’ll be Brussels’ fault tomorrow. It’s the modern Conservative way.”

BREAKING : Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander backs Truss for PM!

THEY SEEK HIM HERE THEY SEEK HIM THERE : FANTASTIC NEWS today for Tory PM candidate Liz Truss with the news that fictional character ‘Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander’ has switched his backing from Rishi ‘The Flashy’ Sunak to Liz ‘How did I get up on this fence post?’ Truss.

The allegiance of Dan has been much speculated over with his creator, famous kids book author Priti Patel, remaining tight lipped about who he was supporting. But ever since escaping from the pages of Patel’s imagination and into real life Dan has been known to make his own decisions.

“IF Truss can hold onto Dan’s loyalty then she is a shoe in for Downing Street,” a Tory insider told LCD Views. “Having the backing of one of the most visible symbols of an outward facing Brexit UK is a prize trophy for a cabinet that is now overflowing with prizes for fictional creations. It’s not just enough to be claim to be able to reverse inflation by magic and get Brexit re-done by magic, you also need to have the creations of magical thinking in your corner.”

How Mr Sunak will respond to losing the support of Dan is anyone’s guess, but it is believed he is planning to join that useful idiot from the BBC in standing on the beach counting refugees. Feeding gammon what they fear most is definitely away to make up ground with Tory faithful.

“If Rishi gets on a boat and starts pushing refugee dinghies back with a paddle into French waters it may give Dan a moment of pause, but first you’d have to find him. And of course he’s so clandestine there’s always the chance of accidentally pushing Dan back into French waters and that would be terminal for Sunak’s chances. I suggest Sunak gives any moustache he sees on the water a tug to make sure it’s not Dan in disguise.”