EU offers UK another Brexit extension because they don’t know what they’d do without us

TAKING EU FOR GRANTED : Sources inside the EU27 have confirmed today they will offer high functioning team player, the UK, another extension to the Article 50 process because they don’t know what they’ll do without us.

“Seriously, we’d have all this empty diary space to fill,” an aide, said to work closely with Angela Merkel, told LCD Views, “we’ve so little to be getting on with on the continent.

“If we didn’t have to dedicate day after day to the English nationalist psychodrama of Brexit what would we do with ourselves?

“The migrant crisis has pretty much solved itself, thanks to Trump taking care of the Middle East. Climate change is just a hoax. Russian meddling in EU elections has been ended with new elections in Austria. And so on. Really, it’s just Brexit. Without that, we’re pointless.

“Likewise the individual EU27 heads of state. So many evenings before the Brexit warm up period began, they’d just be at home in the evenings, twiddling their thumbs, flicking through TV channels to find repeats of Fawlty Towers. But now, they get to live it.

“I can’t tell you how excited they are to get the call now and then, just as they’re putting their slippers on and sighing, quick! Quick Emmanuel! There’s another emergency summit about the British.”

Clearly the failure to either end Brexit, or do it, is a great boon to home and office relocation services too. They’ll remain busy for years, just so long as Article 50 keeps getting extended and Brexit is never ended.

And the sentiments were echoed inside Downing Street.

A Downing Street ‘Source’ said, off the record, but somehow anonymously on it, that “Brexit warm up, endless pre-Brexit, is all Boris Johnson has. If it actually happens he’s completely stuffed. There’s no way him or any of the other pig ignorant cockwomblers currently in government could handle it. Similarly, if Article 50 is revoked and Brexit goes away, they’d actually have to try and run a government. What a nightmare scenario. They are not qualified for that. But playing off the prejudices of Daily Mail readers forever? They’re in their element.

“This latest extension suits us just fine. And the one that will come after it.”

Which is probably the only true thing the Downing Street ‘source’ has ever said.

‪Westminster to vote tomorrow whether or not to make Sturgeon President of the Scottish Republic‬

UK GONNA NEED A NEW FLAG : Former British colonies, now independent countries, around the world are waiting for the result of events in the House of Commons tomorrow with bated breath.

“Australia, New Zealand and a bunch of other places no run of the mill Brexiter has even heard about maybe set to decide on what their flag looks like in the future,” our Unseen Ramifications correspondent says, “if the English MPs in Westminster vote to take the Union Jack and shred it. Does Australia keep the Jack in the top left corner? Does New Zealand? Only by doing Brexit can Brexit MPs find out.”

But it’s not just the flags of land masses that didn’t exist, before an Englishman unzipped his drawers against a weird tree, that are waiting to see how things play out.

“Clearly it’s a big vote for SNP star Nicola Sturgeon,” our correspondent continues, putting on their PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE CORRESPONDENT hat, “will she become the first President of the Republic of Scotland? Will Boris Johnson be that gift horse? You know she won’t look twice in his mouth. She probably won’t even look once if the arrogance of English exceptionalism says, on your way Scotland, wahey!”

She’s played a canny game alright. Politically placing the interests of the entire union first and foremost till now, in a display of maturity few have matched. But it’s a win win of course in that sense. No Brexit and Scotland’s economy and place in the EU is safeguarded. Brexit happens and Scotland as an independent country rapidly joining the EU seems guaranteed.

“At least we can feel fairly certain what the Scottish flag will look like if Brexit happens. So too the Welsh, and eventually the Cornish.”

Will the English run a competition to choose theirs or just go with the Saint George cross and argue about it with Georgia?

The decisions of MPs tomorrow in Westminster will give us all a clue as to what flies where in the years ahead.

If they vote for Boris Johnson’s “Deal”, with is actually just a Withdrawal Agreement worse than May’s, and a method of wealth transfer from working class to inherited wealth, we may soon find out what flag New Zealand chooses once the Union Jack is just a relic from an age when the sun didn’t know how to set.

Boris Johnson offers the EU NI, Scotland and Wales in do or die last ditch play for Brexit deal

IT’S NOT JUST ANY CUMMINGS IT’S SHORT CUMMINGS : The kingdoms of Cornwall and Londinium are said to be up in arms today after details of Boris Johnson’s desperate last ditch effort to get a Brexit deal began to leak.

“The only tiny road into Cornwall that Westminster has ever seen fit to build was clogged with protesting Cornish today as the people began a march on Westminster,” our SW Correspondent reports, “those black flags with the white crosses that baffle the people of Surrey visiting their second homes to check if the last AirBnb client left it in good order were seen waving in union as the advance got underway.”

The motivation for the march to the capital appears to be the fact that Mr Johnson has not offered Cornwall on a slab to the EU, while seeing fit to offer up three of the other four nations that used to comprise the United Kingdom.

But it’s not just the Cornish that are upset not to have been included in a hastily redesigned Irish backstop. London is also said to be turning out on the street in a number that even Priti Patel May struggle to contain.

“So too Bristol, Sunderland and Birmingham, York and Salisbury,” our roaming reporter adds, “it seems more than an overwhelming majority of the deteriorating UK are not best pleased to find they will be left behind ruled by the Eton Mess should Mr Johnson agree a deal. And should Parliament be daft enough to pass it.”

There are suggestions that the disparate regions should just declare independence and then offer to form a federation with the top infrequently mentioned people of Gibraltar and the Falklands.

“It’s touch and go if the additional land masses will be enough to get the so far stubborn EU to back down and accept even more UK treasure than already. The automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, fintech and fishing sectors have already been forced over by a determined British negotiating team, following the lead set by Brexit Allstar David Davis.

“Although the health and social care sectors have been reserved to flog off to the US post Brexit.”

Whether or not the EU will be weak enough to take everything the Tories force upon them to achieve the aim of making what’s left of the UK isolated, second class European citizens remains to be seen.

“It’s an amazing project Brexit,” our reporter adds, “years of toil, billions in treasure, civil harmony and international reputation all determinedly sacrificed just to be weaker, and with less rights, but to keep some biffers and old Etonians happy.”

It’s a wonder no one has ever tried it before now.

Economic illiteracy is for poor people – Dyson’s cancelled electric car project explained

PATRIOTIC PROJECT MANAGEMENT : The UK’s favourite businessman, and all round potatriot, James Dyson has successfully cancelled his much lauded electric car project, after investing billions.

https://news.sky.com/story/james-dyson-cancels-electric-car-project-11832275

“No one should draw any correlation to Brexit,” an imagined James Dyson said, “just because I’ve moved pretty much my whole show to Singapore is not a sign of my lack of faith in the economic viability of Project Brexit either. The UK should continue to pour billions into that, clearly, the food bank sector for one will greatly benefit. Should millions of hungry mouths eventually lead to a more tax friendly corporate environment I’ll be more than happy to become more patriotic again. You will ultimately all see a benefit of this political stitch up. Especially if you like marching about in uniforms. I don’t have a grudge against the EU for purely personal reasons.”

Helpful reassurance.

Especially helpful is the assertion that no correlation should be drawn between Dyson cancelling a project, years in, that has proven to be economically illiterate, and Brexit. Which has also proven to be not only economically illiterate, but culturally, politically, diplomatically and politically.

Dyson went on to add,

“Brexit is not a political failure, or a failure of the Brexit and Lexit teams. If you’ve been paying attention you would have realised they are closely interconnected. Just have a look at the voting in the failed 2011 attempt to get an IN/OUT referendum and then tell me you’re not being played.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/oct/25/mp-voted-for-eu-referendum

“This news of my cancelled car project will be wilfully ignored by anyone pushing Brexit. So too any other evidence that they’re idiots who are doing wilful damage to the UK for ideological aims.

“We are working to quickly find alternative roles within Europe for as many once viable British industries as possible. We have sufficient bank accounts to absorb any of the loss of personal freedoms and opportunities Brexit will entail for poor people.

“For those who cannot, or do not wish to, live in a wonderland of creeping fascism, we will laugh at them when the toilet paper shortages hit.”

Reducing UK to rogue state losing its shit just our opening negotiating position v EU – Downing Street

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : A Downing Street source has been spreading its ‘briefs’ like a cruise ship case of the runs across MSM today after Boris Johnson successfully bamboozled EU Empress Angela ‘Mutti’ Merkel earlier today in a phone call.

Speaking both on and off the record, beside it, over and under it, the source ‘leaked’ by not leaking, but actually texting directly, Downing Street’s narrative on where the UK is v EU with Brexit.

“We hold all the cards,” the source reassured, “they don’t know what’s hit them. Although the German carmakers, currently in panic lockdown know the score. So too the Czech Prosecco makers and the French cheddar specialists. Wait until we invade Finland and hold the snowmen hostage just prior to Christmas. They will bend the knee. Oh. Oh. Oh.”

And there was more.

“The EU completely fails to appreciate the relative power difference in these so called negotiations,” it continued, “which are really just discussing the terms of its surrender to the UK. Well, little England to be specific. A thousand year reign of the Express digesting shires is just in reach. One more push poor folk, while the psychotic, narcissistic inheritance millionaire of the right and the left (check out the personal wealth of high profile Lexiters…) hide safe, far behind the lines. Your sacrifice is welcome.”

And there was more.

“Tomorrow we take our shirts off and start fronting the EU from the White Cliffs of Dover. Just one look at my magma powered man nipples and the French fishing fleets will be motoring for a safe harbour. We are Global Britain. Our reign is just beginning!”

And if the EU don’t fold, even at the last minute?

“Then we turn not only rogue state, but cannibalism. The sight of people rioting and screaming as the Japanese carmakers relocate to Eastern Europe will scar the EU forever. It’s their fault for making us hold the IN/OUT Referendum in the beginning. Now they own what we’ll do to them.”

I feel better now.

Here I was thinking we were currently governed by a cabal of spoilt brats who you wouldn’t trust to govern an industrialised country intimately connected with its neighbours for fear they’d just make a scat hash of it out of delusions of grandeur and a complete inability to separate their pseudo-sexual machismo from ACTUAL FUCKING REALITY AND HISTORY.

EU appoints child psychologist to handle further Brexit negotiations with 10 Downing Street

JUST EAT IT : The EU has responded to the latest scat smeared crayon drawing “leaked” from 10 Downing Street by replacing Michel Barnier and his entire team with a child psychologist.

“We need to appoint a specialist now,” an EU source, close to the EU council, told LCD Views, “there’s been a dawning suspicion that just banning TV for days on end isn’t going to handle a case of this entrenched difficulty. We need someone able to identify and interact constructively with a broader range of psychologically based behaviour malfunctions. Michel is excellent at negotiating with adults, but I fear his skills don’t extend to reaching a level of understanding required when dealing with an entire country being governed by a poop fixated toddler.”

The move is also being taken on health and safety grounds.

“There is the constant threat from the UK side of biting. Human bites can be quite severe, even from one acting so infantile, especially if their dental health regime isn’t sufficient to clean the faeces they constantly regurgitate off their teeth. If one of our negotiators were to be bitten by Mr Johnson or his playmate, Short Cummings, it could be very difficult to still have play dates. So someone who can spot the warning signs and use either exclusion, or in a severe tantrum, appropriate restraining force is required.”

There has also been the suggestion from the EU that the voters of the UK should stop allowing grown, entitled men with the emotional maturity and impulse control of spoiled brats to govern them. But that has been dismissed as bullying.

Critics have also been quick to point out that the EU has the situation entirely wrong.

“It’s not a tantrum,” a specialist said, “it’s a senile country retreating into nostalgia, rather than face up to its reduction in power and adjust constructively. Which is a shame, because there could still be a vital role to be played in the broader family, drawing on the depth of experience and wisdom of the senior member, and validation and affection to come in return. Far preferable to this endless effing tantrum which is just demeaning and excruciating, being so public. Oh.”

ERG FURY at Johnson plan for UK to join Schengen and Euro in 5-10 years time

NATURAL PROGRESSION : SHOUTS OF BETRAYAL and puce coloured faces in the shadowy halls of the ERG today after one high wizard saw through Boris Johnson’s Brexit Deal offer to the EU.

“FIFTH COLUMNIST SABOTAGE TRAITOR TREASONOUS BETRAYAL!” Corporal Mark Francois, ERG Catering Corp (p/t), was heard to shout as Jacob Rees-mogg allegedly revealed the result of a long term study of Johnson’s wheeze.

The reason for the all caps, all angry word sentence-salad wasn’t just standard ERG dialect.

A long term projection of Boris Johnson’s offer to the TYRANTS across the INGLISH CHANNEL showed an incredibly high chance of a broken and desperate UK attempting to rejoin the EU, in a hard Remain stance, within five to ten years time.

“The Blitz spirit will only carry us so far,” an analyst of UK-EU negotiations revealed, “especially as this blitz is entirely voluntary. It’s not like a fried chicken shortage that the average man and woman couldn’t have foreseen and took in their patriotic stride.”

Quite.

“Withdrawing from the EU under Johnson’s ludicrous conditions will see a spontaneous combustion of the country so rapid we’ll be hoping the door out was a revolving one.”

Oh.

“Of course it’s fair to say that goes for any withdrawal from the EU because it’s a nostalgia driven project, based on a misremembered past that doesn’t recognise the UK’s relative power in a world rapidly cementing into regional power blocs.”

Don’t say it. We’re Global Britain.

“But, as you were. Go ahead. Throw the country into the wood chipper of international relations. I’m sentimentally attached to the pound, but I can handle using Euros if it means my kids eat.”

Quite what the ERG will do to head off the inevitable 180 isn’t clear, as they only plan ahead one day at a time. Longer term planning is purely looking backwards and imagining themselves as an English Prince Albert.

“Now let’s talk about the shameful disregard of the GFA.”

No. We will not. We’re solely thinking about what English nationalists want. Thank you very much. That’s Brexit. Longer term it will be the badge we wear, embroidered with how we treated our allies and friends today.

“Whether or not Michel Barnier will conduct the negotiations when the UK rejoins the EU is the only aspect that isn’t clear.”

“EU have had more than enough of us sending over twats” – Raab experiences moment of consciousness

THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED DOVER : DOMINIC ‘PULSATING VEIN’ RAAB was said to be under sedation and expected to recover partially after experiencing a severe bout of momentary consciousness.

The freakish and unexpected attack happened when the Foreign Secretary was addressing a largely comatose audience at the Brexit Party’s conference, currently happening in Manchester.

“I don’t know what Manchester did to deserve this either,” Raab joshed with the audience, many there with translators, “for years Westminster politicians have conned and crapped on the north of the country, and now, thanks to a data mining, criminal cartel we’ve been able to hoodwink just enough into feeling empowered by pushing a total self destruct button. It’s bloody good fun, populist politics. Take back control by doing exactly what we want you to do.”

Raab paused momentarily to dab the sweat off his vein with a Union Jack handkerchief. Next he rung out the drenched square of fabric. Then he went on.

“By conning enough people all over England, the southeast too, to vote for Brexit, we’re going to fix that sense of justified grievance with the biggest dump on them imaginable. It’s quite the lark. What are we going to fix? Absolutely nothing! Where are we going to take the investment? Away to a tax haven! What can the EU do to alleviate it with its regional investment funds? Nothing until the younger generations have forced us to rejoin it.”

He paused again, seemingly scouting the middle distance to see how his oratory was going down. Judging by some of the snores and startled half awakenings, it was going better than he expected.

“But now, now, now,” he began again, before pausing for emphasis. This was serious Raab now. Deadly Raab. Laser guided Raab.

“Now the EU is laughing at us, quietly, behind their hands. They don’t have the courage to openly scoff in our faces like a British man. No. They said they’re fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats to negotiate Brexit? Well, guess what, the British people are fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats too. So take that EU! We see you. Do you know how much my vein pulsates when I stare in the mirror in the morning? The bile in my throat? You just wait until we crash out and you’ve got a giant dumpster fire on your doorstep. We’ll see who’s laughing then.”

At which point someone in the audience pointed out that the dumpster fire would actually be across a sea. It was a question of fully appreciating geography.

And that’s when the sedation began.

Conservative Party pass conference motion stating UK population is now only 17.4m

NARROW CHURCH PARTY : The Conservative Party has found a viable way out of the knots they’ve tied themselves in over immigration by passing a motion at their Manchester conference regarding the UK’s population.

Speaking before a sparsely populated audience of people who thought they were attending a Brexit Party rally, James Cleverly made the announcement.

“We’ve had a talk and we are all agreed,” he told the audience, hands spread wide, “we have succeeded in reducing immigration and turning it into mass emigration. We’ve been so successful with our target the population of the UK is now only 17.4m! And that’s the only votes that count!”

The announcement woke a few people up and seemed to cheer many, especially as most had formed their views on social policy back when the population of the country was only 17.4m.

But suspicions are already circulating on social media that Cleverly, while clearly exceptionally clever when compared to a shrub, may not have been telling the complete truth.

“It’s because the Tory Party only counts the 17.4m who were conned into voting for Brexit,” our analyst advises, “so the rest don’t count. It’s their long term electoral survival plan. It’s not dumb. Even though over a million of the 17.4m have since passed away. So the actual population of the UK is now about 16m. It’ll do wonders for first time buyers and GP queues.”

Suggestions that they should do the count again, due to fluctuations in the population, were dismissed because that wouldn’t be democracy. In a democracy you decide something once and fix it forever, or scary things happen, like women get to vote.

“And what’s better,” Mr Cleverly added, “now we’ve solved the problem with immigration and driven everyone away, we can get on with building a hospital for every single remaining resident.”

More promises will follow throughout the day and they will also be complete and utter horseshit.

Liz Truss accidentally sells Boris Johnson to Saudi Arabia after request for “the biggest weapon you’ve got”

BLONDES AWAY : Liz Truss was under no pressure at all to explain the sale today, without licence, of temporary prime minister Boris Johnson to Saudi Arabia.

According to sources within the Department for International Trade the mix-up happened in the way numerous ones regarding the sale of dangerous items have under the current Secretary for International Trade.

“Some gruff chap from the Gulf phoned up and asked for a weapon,” a source working close to the hapless Truss reveals, “and when he said make it the biggest weapon your country has, Ms Truss automatically believed the unarmed Sheik meant the Prime Minister. This was confirmed when he said, I want something to destroy a county, just level it, I want a Bullingdon Brat.”

It’s not clear exactly how much the gulf state paid for Mr Johnson, but it’s presumably thought worth the cost.

“Mr Johnson used to be just a weapon of mass distraction, but these days he’s been redeveloped into weapon of mass destruction. Just look at the rapid decent into chaos and danger under his brief tenure in 10 Downing Street. The Saudis will be very happy once they deploy him. Just so long as they read the instruction manual and don’t let him speak before they drop him on Yemen.”

Critics have pointed out though that the sale of Mr Johnson, already believed to have been bought and sold by numerous interests, allows him to wriggle out of his commitment to take the UK out of the EU by the 31st of October.

“No one is really bothered about that, not if they’ve been paying attention. Now we can get on with a GNU and picking up the pieces of our representative democracy while there are still pieces to pick up.”

The Palace was asked for comment on the sale of Mr Johnson, but a source would only say it was the Royal family themselves who suggested the export of the Bullingdon Brat in the first place.