WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN: Saint George has resigned from his post as patron saint of England. He has packed his bag and his flag, which he is taking home to Turkey.
“I have been treated appallingly,” said the ex-saint, as he waited to be deported. “Once I was revered. Once I was untouchable. But now I’m an undesirable. Thank you Nigel Farage and the Daily Mail!”
There was a trace of bitterness in his voice as he trudged sadly towards his destiny.
“I could have stayed in the job,” he continued miserably. “But I would have been patron saint in name only. I am sick of having my name and reputation trashed by fat, angry, drunken men.”
If you’re leaving, what will happen to the dragon?
“The dragon is in government,” explained the immigrant formerly known as St George. “It’s too much for one man to handle, however mythical he may be!”
St George disclosed that a meeting with Nigel “Foghorn” Farage ended badly. “He just started raving at me, saying ‘Bog off, we’re full!’ over and over again.”
LCD Views can now reveal that Farage had an ulterior motive in offending St George. And he isn’t bothering to hide it.
“I intend to become the patron saint of the brave new world that is Brexitannia!” he thundered, at a public meeting specifically designed to flout the Rule of Six. He brandished his fag and pint in the direction of his tightly packed audience of fat, angry, drunken men. “It’s only fair after all the work I did to make Brexit happen! I slew the European dragon! Saint Nigel has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Saint Nigel! Saint Nigel!” chanted the hooligans.
St Andrew is staying put to lead a glorious crusade to Scottish independence. St Patrick is having great difficulty trying to translate the Good Friday Agreement into 3 word slogans. St David offered George a weekend hunting dragons in Snowdonia, but George wasn’t interested.
And Farage is now campaigning for the Union Flag to be known as the Union Nigel.