£29m Festival of Brexit centrepiece to be BoRiS and Carrie clapping for the NHS

APPLAUSE IS INFECTIOUS : News today that twenty nine million patriotic pounds are to be spaffed up the wall to celebrate Brexit. Good news for patriots!

“It makes a clear case for why Mr Johnson had to be shamed by a footballer into feeding poor children, not once, but twice this year,” our Downing Street source comments, “and why we need to bring back car parking charges for NHS.”

The Festival itself will feature a range of celebrations as Britain resumes its rightful place as head of international trade, now it’s been freed of the shackles of the EU.

“We are resuming our natural leadership role on Planet Earth,” the source adds, “we can more easily lead by not trading with the largest trading bloc on Earth, a few miles away, while pursuing new and ambitious, environmentally sensitive trading arrangements with smaller regions as far away as possible.”

The most prominent spectacles of the Festival of Brexit will focus on its achievements.

“There will be a potato deified by Nigel Farage and a fish divided by John Redwood with a potato masher. Also Anne Widdecombe will do a stirring rendition of Elgar’s entire back catalogue on a kazoo.”

But the biggest moment of the “immersive experience, like falling headfirst into a septic tank” has to be reserved for Brexit UK’s commander in chief, Boris Johnson. He will feature daily in a range of uniforms representing each profession and/or vocation that Brexit will impact. And new metaphors are also promised on the hour, invented by Boris himself (or half remembered from the classics).

“Undoubtedly the greatest moment will be when Boris takes the stage daily, dressed as Montezuma, accompanied by his carer Carrie (pencilled in currently to be styled after Boudicca) and claps for the NHS. It will be quite the sight. And such prominence will do more for the morale of NHS workers than a pay rise ever could. And at the end of the clapping there will be a firework set off and a wheel of cheddar rolled into ten pins painted to represent all the Covids. It will be world beating.”

Ministry of Defence FOI request reveals most new defence spending earmarked for “Spitfire fly-pasts”

MAKE WW2 AIRPLANE SOUNDS NOW : BORIS JOHNSON IS A FREESPENDING PM, which is a great relief after the austere years of Dave “Wunderkind” Cameron and Theresa “fatal error in file” May.

“He knows he doesn’t have that long in the top job, before he gets bored and quits,” a new 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so he’s going to have his fun with the public purse while he’s got it.”

The fun appears to have mostly focused on awarding PPE contracts to chums during 2020, but that is set to change as Mr Johnson looks to secure the defence of the realm into the future.

“Clearly the backbone of the modern defence of the UK is an obsessive focus on WW2,” the source continues, “just without all the distracting parts that foreigners played in the victory over the fascists.”

To this end the new multi-billion pound defence spending, announced today, will build on an already well established method for reminding the world that the UK is a lion that can still roar.

“Spitfire fly-pasts,” the source nods along, “that’s where most of the new money is going. One of Johnson’s old drinking mates from Eton days has a Spitfire re-enactment VR facility, allegedly, and they’ll (rumour says, not confirmed) be receiving a few billion to ramp that up so that tomorrow’s Spitfire fly-past pilots receive the most modern training possible for acting out the UK’s yesterday.”

Schools will also feature heavily with WW2 history days each and every day forever and never once will the children ever hear about Suez.

British fishing industry told to relocate to flooded Kent lorry park

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : THE CORNER HAS BEEN TURNED TODAY for the beleaguered British fishing industry after the government accelerated plans to make it more British.

In order to do this the entire stock of British fish will be relocated to within the actual landmass of England.

“This is not to say this is just an English nationalist cause,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the entirety of these islands will benefit from photos of British fish safe and secure inland.”

But while the government is using terms such as inland to describe the move, that’s not entirely correct.

“It is correct to say that while the fish will be moved inland, they’ll still be in water. So no one has anything to fear. Additionally, it will make the future of the industry even more secure as fishermen will be able to find them much easier. And importantly, the French won’t have a chance because from 2021 they won’t be able to enter the country. This is what taking back control of our fish means in reality.”

But critics have pointed out that in order to catch the fish inland British fishermen will need to move their boats inland too, and given that the site of the new camp is in Kent, many will need Kent Access Permits to get their boats inside the newest of British overseas territories.

“It will all be worth it. The plan was always to leave the EU and catch as many fish as fast as possible, without thought to sustainability, and this accelerates the scheme to one massive, one off pay day, after which everyone goes broke.”

And where exactly will the British fish be relocated to, inside Kent?

“The flooded Kent lorry park of course. It’s not like anyone is going to be daft enough to send a lorry across the Channel to Blighty from 2021. They’ll never get the bleeding truck home again. This is a perfect example of adaptable thinking at top of government. And you’re welcome to it.”

Check. Change. Go Bankrupt. The future is certain.

Boris Johnson changes his name to Boris O’Johnson to win over Joe Biden

THE SPINNING TOP : OUTGOING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has moved swiftly to leverage his special relationship with the new government looming across the pond in America.

While most lesser commentators expect Mr Johnson to have a frosty relationship with the administration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, some are quick to point out that Mr Johnson can change his spots faster than a leopard.

“Many supposedly learned political obsessives have already declared that Boris Johnson’s friendship with Joe Biden is dead in the water, at launch, due to his history of thinly veiled racist comments about Barrack Obama, cosying up to that sociopath Trump, and complete disregard for the welfare of the peoples of Ireland,” our in house hero notes, “but they underestimate the lengths Mr Johnson will go to in the service of self preservation.”

And those lengths are gesture deep. Because that will work.

“He’s not having his usual Sunday morning lie in today,” we ramble on, “he’s already with his lawyer drawing up the deeds needed for a legal change of name. Quite the diplomat. World beating in fact.”

The ramped up move is the addition of an O’ to his surname.

“Later today, after the necessary paperwork has been processed Britain’s prime minister will be Boris O’Johnson. A move that will wash away the stains of years of short termism and politically leveraged racism. Not to mention his colonial approach to peace in Ireland. And as an extra move, that video footage of him refusing to shake hands with black supporters at a Tory Party event will be erased from all social media platforms. There is no lengths Mr Johnson will not go to to keep the special relationship special.”

It’s understood that Dominic Cummings will also be changing his name to Dominic O’Goings, just as soon as Mr O’Johnson gets up the courage to tell O’him.

Change is coming, and not just to America.

Bum squeak in 10 Downing Street heard throughout London as Biden/Harris victory looms


Shortly after lunch time Friday a major disturbance was recorded in central London.

“The windows shook. The dogs hid. The cats looked offended. At first it was assumed that someone was letting off fireworks, but then light dawned,” a 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views, “it was Boris Johnson’s bum squeak.”

The squeak, recorded on richter scales across the UK, is thought to be “world beating” and potentially the largest English based bum squeak since the Suez Crisis of the mid 1950’s.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s aftershocks,” the staffer continued, “most of the Johnson government’s plans are prefaced on the assumption that Donald Trump would retain power in America and the trans-Atlantic neo-feudalist, kleptocratic syndicate continue on its merry way reshaping the English speaking nations of the Northern Hemisphere into a golden age not enjoyed since the early 14th century, in terms of inherited privilege. But Biden/Harris winning changes all that. Biden/Harris don’t like Boris.”

Why they don’t like Boris Johnson and his mega mind Dominic Cummings is a matter of mystery.

“If you’ve had your head in a bucket.”

If you’ve had your head in a bucket.

“I’d say it would be a good idea to move fragile items off tables and secure your windows and mirrors,” the staffer adds, “anytime today Boris Johnson’s tech trainer, Arcuri, her twitter timeline and all the batshit crazy stuff on it related to the US election is going to break into the UK press. Along with some rather more substantial British-American dalliances, as the machinery of US government and law enforcement begins its realignment.”

Maintain social distancing when hunting and foraging – Covid rules updated for the poor

DO YOU LIKE MAMMOTH : Downing Street is set to issue up to date Coronavirus rules today to keep abreast with the changing UK fine dining landscape.

The new guidance is aimed at families struggling to make ends meet on a budget, and to ensure they stay hale and hearty as they forage for the weekly food shop.

“The important thing is that the new guidance looks to the future,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “these rules will also assist in the changing post Brexit landscape. And I don’t just mean Kent turning into one giant concrete lorry park.”

The guidance focuses on traditional ways to feed a family of four.

“Obesity is clearly less of an issue than it was, now that Spaffer Johnson has set an example and hired a personal trainer. But how do you keep the hoi polloi trim and fit for the digital mill? Why, exercising while getting groceries. It’s clearly a win win.”

To this end the guidance will focus on hunting and foraging.

“It’s the traditional way for the underclass to gain sustenance and enjoy the thrill of the outdoors. And it doesn’t have to be just pottage today and pottage tomorrow. Hunting fresh flesh isn’t just for the rich and powerful. It takes dogged perseverance to catch a rabbit with a rock.”

And rock will feature heavily, with classic spear and arrowhead designs to be included.

“Flint is plentiful and free. I’m sure Her Majesty won’t mind subjects on a budget scouring the Thames foreshore for weapon’s grade flint. If you’re foraging for flint in Kent, clearly you’ll have to hurry, before it’s concreted over. Obsidian is only available in Scotland, so we won’t be worrying about that. As for the shafts and handles? Well, just go into your garden and choose a suitable wood. I believe Yew is best for bows.”

But when hunting in groups and foraging in packs citizens are advised that CV-19 is still a risk.

“The ventilation of the outdoors will help dramatically reduce the chance of contracting Covid off a clan member, but still we would encourage the wearing of masks. Presumably they can be easily made from pelts. And besides, if you want to corner that frisky doe you’ll need to disperse and encircle. Perhaps your family pet can help? That’s if you haven’t already eaten the dog and used it’s hide to make gloves.”

And don’t think that the ministers who have hired consultants to draw up this new guidance are not aware of the problem of heat or eat.

“You can start a fire with the right rocks. Just strike that flint and blow softly into some dry grass. With these new guidelines you’ll be cooking a stew on a Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for sandwiches through the week. And importantly, as it’s winter, you won’t even need to bung 50p every half hour in the fridge to keep it running. Just store your leftovers in fox proof containers on the back patio. And with any luck, you might even get to eat the fox.”

*When eating dogs be sure to avoid the liver. It contains a toxin that can be fatal.

Manchester to turn the M60 into a wall and make London pay for it

PLAYING POLITICS: The row between Manchester mayor Andy Burnham and Crime Minister Boris Johnson has escalated. There is no common ground between London control freakery and Manchester independence. So the Northern Powerhouse has decided to go it alone.

“Mexit” brings challenges. The economy is modern and vibrant, even if The South still thinks it’s ‘something to do with cotton’. But there must be a border. So there will be a wall along the line of the M60 – the M25 of the North – and Burnham has insisted that London must pay.

This is a response to the covid outbreak, although as Government figures have been cooked more often than school cabbage, it’s difficult to be sure. Manchester has decided to take back control of its borders, laws, and viruses. So long as its main imports of black pudding and Manchester United fans are maintained, it should be notoriously rainy sunlit uplands all the way.

Manchester’s main exports – jangly guitar bands and Coronation Street – are quite sufficient to keep the new city state solvent. The new M60 wall should be no barrier. Indeed in these lockdown-happy times, it might be a positive advantage. There should be no need to reignite the ancient feud with Liverpool over trade, football, and impenetrable regional accents.

So if you pronounce “day” as “dare”, and “dare” as “durr”, and you can distinguish your barmcakes from your oven-bottoms, you’re in. Anyone making jokes about “Personchester”, or talking in a silly voice at the mention of Eccles, will be larrupped on the bonce, escorted to the border, and put on the first train back to London.

Soon there won’t be much of Brexit Britain left. Northern Ireland will go, Scotland will go, Wales is closing its border, Kent has been ceded to the EU. If Manchester goes, it is likely that Liverpool, Leeds, Birmingham and others will leave too. That will show the world that Global Britain means business!

British fish takes out restraining order against Conservative MP

I AM NOT A FISH OF BRITAIN I AM A FISH OF THE WORLD : A British fish has been to court today in London to take out a restraining order against a Conservative MP.

While there is a ban on press coverage of the identity of the MP, we can wildly speculate that it is the old broken record himself, John Redwood. Although there are many it could be, clearly.

We offer our sincerest apologies right now if it was actually Andrew Bridgen or MIA man of the moment, Mark Francois.

However, the speculation that the MP is Redwood is based on an analysis of his Twitter feed. This reveals he has tweeted about controlling British fish no less than 300,034,974,00 times in the last hour alone.

Andrew Bridgen has been mostly spending his time screaming “Remoaner” at reality, and wiping the baby food off his chin.

Whereas Mark Francois is busy fuelling speculation that he is at the centre of a ghastly police case, but still keeps the whip, because Conservatives are still the party of family values.

The fish itself has been moved to take action in an attempt to free itself from what it calls “coercive control by deluded English nationalists, who fetishize me because of the national myths centred on a maritime past. They can’t rule the waves anymore, partially because Tory governments keep cutting back the Navy and selling off rights to our territorial waters, so in order to deny that reality and take responsibility they obsess over me. And I for one am fed up with it. I see no borders. I am a fish.”

The restraining order will give the fish time to seek whatever help is required. And it had one more statement for the press from the steps of the court.

“I am not an Englishman or a British fish, but a fish of the world.”

Ireland announce plan to build a bridge right over Britain to continental Europe

THE LONG SHADOW OF BREXIT : Ireland’s newest Taoiseach, Micheál Martin, has announced today the decision by the Republic to build a bridge right over Britain and on to continental Europe.

Addressing the European parliament for the first time since assuming office an entirely imagined version of Mr Martin revealed the grand building project. And it’s fair to speculate that Mr Johnson’s love of proposing grand building schemes is partly behind it. Even if Mr Johnson’s projects never eventuate.

“Aren’t you tired of Brexit and all that Boris bollocks?” Mr Martin asked a socially distanced hall. Happily, as there’s no longer any Farage cultists present, the question was met with only raucous applause.

“Don’t you want to throw a little shade on that Eton Mess in parliament?”

Yes. Yes. We all do.

“We’ve already begun building ferry lines to bypass Britain,” Mr Martin explained, “because we don’t want our lorries caught at the Kent border attempting to get to Dover. Only a gambler will risk the world beating IT project that’s going to manage those customs documents. Why not go one better and build a bridge over all of it?”

Fair play.

The bridge is expected to be built rapidly too, as so many EU tradesmen are leaving the UK due to Brexit. And many more will do once the Covid-19 omnishambles recession joins with Brexit proper.

“And the best thing is, Boris Johnson and the UK are going to pay for it.”

With our automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, education and financial services sectors.

“Let’s build a bridge over Boris!” Mr Martin exulted, to standing applause, “and let Brexit pay for it.”

Priti Patel training British fish to sink the dinghies of asylum seekers

BUILDING BRIDGES EVERYWHERE : UK HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is rumoured to have written to German Chancellor Angela Merkel to explain her errors in dealing with 2015’s migrant crisis.

“While Mount Etna and Mount Vesuvius are still active there is no need to treat asylum seekers like human beings,” Ms Patel is said to have instructed Mutti in the letter.

The letter was written on paper bearing the logo of the United Kingdom’s Home Office, to make sure the Chancellor understands what the UK now represents on the global stage.

“It seems reasonable to assume that if we work together we can turn the continent of Europe into a zone that is migrant free and we will all benefit. This will twin nicely with our ambition to expand the UK’s export arms industry,” the letter continues, “I personally am now training patriotic British fish to sink boats in the English Channel. I would like to cordially invite you to come and view one of the training sessions.”

The training sessions are currently being conducted in secret in a Scottish loch, although there are plans to film a session with Boris Johnson dressed as Captain Birdseye dangling treats above a pond.

What the Germans will make of the offer isn’t yet clear, although it’s believed to be one of the saner suggestions to emanate from the UK’s corridors of power recently.

“I doubt they will respond through official channels,” our German correspondent advises, “they’re too busy holding back their automotive industry with its constant demands to cave to British Brexit demands. Although more likely they, like the rest of the EU27, are waiting for Ms Patel and the rest of the cabinet to vanish through a portal and reappear as villains in a Charles Dickens story, which is where they belong.”