Downing Street orders all English towns and cities to renew medieval walls before 2021

FETCHEZ LA VACHE : A NEW DICTAT FROM DOWNING STREET has served to quell rising tensions within the Tory Party today as it promises to get Britain building again, and fast.

“All English towns and cities have to renew their medieval walls before 2021,” a Downing Street source explained to LCD Views, “which potentially leaves Milton Keynes stuffed, but everyone else should be alright.”

The decision to rebuild walls long fallen into the realm of relics is because bygone days are here again.

“It’s likely we’ll see some conflict between towns and cities over bog roll and other vital consumables,” the source goes on, “especially near to motorways in the South East of the country as roaming, locally raised militias scour the landscape for supplies. Lorries stuck in endless jams due to Brexit will be prime targets. It’s only natural that towns will fight each other over the booty. Some of those conflicts will spill back to the towns and cities concerned. You don’t want a wild eyed war party just spilling into your burbs. It’s best to have a wall.”

It’s felt also the renewed walls will better allow Tory MPs to grasp the tangible benefits of Brexit.

“A lot of Brexit is about recapturing the lost, halcyon days of feudalism for the born to rule set. If you’re going to lord it over your serfs you need a stronghold capable of inspiring awe and fear.”

It’s felt the walling up of English towns will better serve the loyal communities when the border skirmishes renew with the Welsh and Scots too.

“And let’s not forget the prospect of invasion from the continent,” the source adds, “the English have a handy knack of importing governance from overseas when it all goes to pot. But this time we’re doing it for ourselves. The French will be right out of luck when they land at Dover looking to steal our fish! They’ll be faced with strongholds.”

Local stone should be used wherever possible to “lower the carbon footprint of your standard motte and bailey.”

And remember, there’s no need to shout “Fechez la vache!” if you keep your cows on the walls at all times and ready.

Check. Change. Go. We’re going to build some walls and we’re going to pay for it!

Downing Street confirms ‘The Great Wall of Kent’ will be built from abandoned HGVs

WHO NEEDS AN INTACT COUNTRY ANYWAY : DOWNING STREET have moved today to beat back the brush of accusations regarding their failure to plan for any future beyond tomorrow’s news cycle.

“We’ve made lots of plans for Kent,” an alien in a Gove meat suit said, “I personally have spread myself exceptionally thin all over Kent. The clean up will last weeks.”

But what specifically they intend, other than the surprise result of Kent being in a different customs territory than (*checks notes) the rest of England, hasn’t been made public.

“I can tell you now,” the alien manthing said (wet lips, really wet lips), “it’s clear Kent is going to need a wall and no one is going to pay for it. But the magic is they don’t have to. We’re going to build the wall from a ready supply of raw materials that will be found all along Kent motorways. And in concrete monstrosities that used to be fields with trees.”

And it’s not portaloos, dumped like unwanted dogs in fields.

“The Great Wall of Kent is going to be built from the carcasses of abandoned HGVs. They’ll be stripped by foraging Kentians first, as the wires and other bits can be sold to buy soup. But the metal frames will stack very nicely one on top of the other. I suspect the wall will be ten metres high in some areas.”

And the advantages of all this are self evident.

“We’re going to have to hide Kent from view so the rest of England doesn’t get advance notice of just how much we’ve screwed it all up, until we come for you too.”

Countycide, with a little bit of profiteering on the side. Go Conservatives!

Downing Street confirms post Brexit Kent passports will be burgundy

BORDERING ON INSANITY : EVERYMAN MICHAEL GOVE has appeared today to speak to lesser humans about his plans for Kent, once the Brexit transition period expires at the end of this year.

“They’re going to have a lot more sovereignty than the rest of England,” Mr Gove asserted, in what some took as a tacit admission that Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland would be leaving the UK. Along with Gibraltar. Now Kent. And presumably at some point Cornwall. Devon. Sussex. Norfolk. London. Manchester. And well, the rest of it.

“And to express the unique position of Kent in England the good people of Kent will be issued with passports,” Mr Gove continued, “this will allow the truckers to prove their eligible to dog in Kent. It’s unclear yet what the cover art will be, but I suspect it will feature parked trucks and not a horse. We are talking to the public about this right now. Interest is very high. Many would like the Kent national anthem to play when you open the passport. Like a novelty greeting card. Which makes a lot of sense.”

The consultation period over the design of the special Kent passport is expected to end on December 30th, leaving more than enough time to produce the new passports for the new year.

“I expect at some point Boris Johnson will take personal control of the design process,” Mr Gove went on, “right now he is mocking up designs with empty wine crates and kid’s paint.”

But while the cover art is still up for grabs the colour of the passports is already settled.

“Burgundy. Clearly. As anyone possessing them will have more freedom of movement than anyone without one.”

St George resigns as patron saint of England

WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN: Saint George has resigned from his post as patron saint of England. He has packed his bag and his flag, which he is taking home to Turkey.

“I have been treated appallingly,” said the ex-saint, as he waited to be deported. “Once I was revered. Once I was untouchable. But now I’m an undesirable. Thank you Nigel Farage and the Daily Mail!”

There was a trace of bitterness in his voice as he trudged sadly towards his destiny.

“I could have stayed in the job,” he continued miserably. “But I would have been patron saint in name only. I am sick of having my name and reputation trashed by fat, angry, drunken men.”

If you’re leaving, what will happen to the dragon?

“The dragon is in government,” explained the immigrant formerly known as St George. “It’s too much for one man to handle, however mythical he may be!”

St George disclosed that a meeting with Nigel “Foghorn” Farage ended badly. “He just started raving at me, saying ‘Bog off, we’re full!’ over and over again.”

LCD Views can now reveal that Farage had an ulterior motive in offending St George. And he isn’t bothering to hide it.

“I intend to become the patron saint of the brave new world that is Brexitannia!” he thundered, at a public meeting specifically designed to flout the Rule of Six. He brandished his fag and pint in the direction of his tightly packed audience of fat, angry, drunken men. “It’s only fair after all the work I did to make Brexit happen! I slew the European dragon! Saint Nigel has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Saint Nigel! Saint Nigel!” chanted the hooligans.

St Andrew is staying put to lead a glorious crusade to Scottish independence. St Patrick is having great difficulty trying to translate the Good Friday Agreement into 3 word slogans. St David offered George a weekend hunting dragons in Snowdonia, but George wasn’t interested.

And Farage is now campaigning for the Union Flag to be known as the Union Nigel.

Health minister says second national lockdown will turn UK voters into “the sourdough kings of Europe!”

TANGIBLE BENEFITS : WE ALL recall the heady days of the first UK Covid-19 lockdown like it was only yesterday. Because it was.

And now as the infection runs rampant across the country once more it’s time to put away the nostalgia and get ready to make new memories. Stock up on those groceries! Get down to that pharmacy and beat the run on painkillers! Let the dog know he won’t be home alone again. Get ready to make new memories.

“And not just new memories,” a health minister tells LCD Views, “memories? Rhymes with bakeries. Am I right?”

Yes you are!

“And what do you do in bakeries? You make memories.”

This is a rising star!

“The second national lockdown, coming into force any day now, will give all Global Britains the chance to once again practice staying at home. Just the way we like it. And what do you do with day after day indoors alone or with the kids? Why, you bake of course! Splashing each other with flour. Dusting each other with eggs! Rolling one another in milk! The fun doesn’t have to stop just because you’re worrying if you’ll get to a ventilator in time.”

Many Britons did famously turn to baking to pass the time in the first lockdown and it’s perfectly sensible to expect they will do so in the second.

“See the tangible benefits of having disaster capitalists in government? You don’t want this pandemic over in a rush. You want to bake! BAKE! Why, by this time next year I wager Global Britons will be the sourdough kings and queens of Europe!”

Streaming service only showing Brits punching themselves in the face goes GLOBAL

MUTANT ALGORITHM : BREXFLIX – the streaming service which only shows Brits punching themselves in the face, has gone GLOBAL.

The latest development in the runaway, you could say viral, success story aims to build on the great achievements already nailed down with the domestic audience.

“Thanks to the nature of the digital universe expats and foreign viewers have been enjoying the hilarity of Brexflix for years,” an exec at the ambitious start up told LCD Views, “and now with the expansion pack they don’t need to wait for links on social media, they can get Brexflix streamed right into their home!”

The funding for the expansion of the eye streaming service is mostly from British state aid.

“But let’s not forget our international investors! If you want to destroy the Western alliances and cripple the EU’s single market for the benefit of US vulture capitalism you need a Global alliance of the willing! Brexflix – International Law Edition shows we have investor strength in depth.”

Initially the global launch will show domestic UK production, just like the good old days.

“Now people around the world can watch British lawmakers punching themselves in the face, in real time, in parliament as they rapidly move to make themselves completely obsolete as more and more power is vested in a crazed executive. And they’re so blinded by their own tears they don’t even see themselves doing it. But you can! Every hard knuckle hitting the bridge of the nose of the mother of parliaments.”

But once the international expansion is bedded in special editions like “What’s international law got to do with it?” will allow foreign fans to get directly involved.

“The USA looks like the best prime market for internationally generated content,” the exec reveals, “imagine endless streaming of anti-mask parades by MAGA hat wearing, gun totting lunatics as the forests burn around them and the seas rise? It think it’s fair to say that Brexflix may eventually run out of content, but if Donald Trump wins again MAGAflix will see us content rich until the end of (human) time in three or four years time.”

It’s okay for Japan to tell us what to do as you don’t spell Japan “EU”

PUTTING THE PIGEON AMONGST THE CATS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S TRADE negotiator SUPREMO LIZ TRUSS is expected to bring clarity to confusion regarding the world beating trade deal she recently agreed with the needy nation of Japan.

The deal itself is currently only agreed in principle, and may potentially be less favourable than the deal agreed between the EU and Japan, but it is ours. We made it. Much like a Boris Johnson bus project using empty wine crates. Almost as good as a real bus. And ours.

“They [Japanese] need our cheese,” Liz Truss is expected to remind the UK’s voters, “they’re incapable of making cheese like we do. This is probably because 70% of the population is lactose intolerant. Also, they can’t eat French cheese because everyone knows French cheese makes you surrender. British cheese makes you choose a hill and die on it.”

So far so good. But she will also set minds at rest regarding the startling detail that the UK-Japan deal gives Japanese lawmakers a surprising bagful of British sovereignty. This concerns restraint on state aid.

“Do you want auto manufacturing in the UK to collapse before or after the end of the Brexit transition period? It’s bloody obvious it needs to collapse in 2021 or there maybe a political blowback on Boris. This trade deal gets us over the line (so far as appearances go) and into complete and total anarchy in 2021. I commend it to the house.”

But just in case you are still puzzled why it’s okay to sacrifice more sovereignty to Japan than to the EU in the famous Oven Ready Brexit Deal, Liz Truss will set your mind at rest.

“It’s very basic,” she will say, “you don’t need e and u to spell Japan, now, do you?”

Downing Street – UK to be a world class Global Village for all the idiots


But given that he’s going to be working with Liz Truss, not knowing anything is clearly a plus.

And while some detractors have suggested, unfairly, that the appointment is just the latest little step in the graft of Brexit, others have said the move is just to ‘wind up the libs’. Either is clearly a benefit. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

“It’s true we [Brexiters] don’t have any actual achievements to point to, yet,” a Downing Street source admitted to LCD Views, “but to expect any is to miss the point of our movement. Feudalism requires an international coalition of the willing to reassert itself. Tony Abbott is the perfect Australian to help with that. Especially as he’s not completely Aussie. He was born here. Do you know they call him the Mad Monk down under? He’s perfect.”

But what exactly will he be doing? Will he be paid by commission earned on trade deals?

“No! Ha! What? He’ll probably be paid in PPE contracts. Omg. You guys. How naive! We aim to make the UK a Global Village. And what does a village need? It needs an idiot. We can’t expect to become a world class global village unless we attract idiots from all over the world to our village. Tony ate an onion raw once on camera. He’s a perfect fit. He will fit in seamlessly with Grayling, Raab, Johnson, well the list is long. It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit. We’re Global Britain! One day we’ll be allowed to use a fork!”

In other news, a village in Australia has today posted a sign asking for a new village idiot…

UK government hires maritime trade expert to create IT system for Dover/Calais border

Q. WHAT’S A PIRATE’S FAVOURITE POST BREXIT BORDER : The UK Government has signalled experts are back in favour as the country approaches the end of the Brexit transition period.

“Trade will become more difficult and expensive,” an aide to Michael Gove told LCD Views, “but that’s a Brexit benefit. And besides that’s only for lily-livered landlubbers who lack the grit and buccaneering spirit to make the most of Brexit.”

And make the most of Brexit Brits are encouraged to do, as that’s the most patriotic thing to do.

“There maybe some hiccups, naturally, as people adjust to the new reality,” an aide conceded, “especially as the new reality may resemble the 18th century. That being the case I can’t entirely promise it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. But that’s a pirate’s life for you.”

And Gove’s department, responsible for ensuring the seamless end to the transition, isn’t sitting idly smashed out of their brains on coke, or rum. There’s work to do.

“Experts are back in favour!” the aide reveals, “And The Duchy of Gove wants to fill its world with them. To show this we have a star hire to help us design the new customs border at Dover.”

And a world beating hire it is.

“We ran our flag up a pole and waited for the right man to hobble forward. Blackbeard carries a wealth of experience in maritime trade, especially customs borders, so we believe he is the right man to design no less than ten new IT systems. Ready to go by the end of this year. Four of them from scratch. It’s going to be world class.”

We asked Blackbeard for comment, but he wasn’t available. So to make up for it we’ll answer the question posed at the beginning of this article.

Downing Street refuses to say what day this week it will U turn on hiring Tony Abbott

THE MAD MONK COMETH : DOWNING STREET is teasing the media scrum today by refusing to announce the day and hour this week when the U turn on hiring Aussie legend Tony “shirtfront” Abbott will happen.

“That would spoil the surprise,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “U turns aren’t planned in advance anyway, they occur once the pressure gets too much. Those who fail to plan plan to U turn. It’s our office motto.”

But the pressure is building, and not helped this morning by Matt Hancock telling Kay Burley that Abbott was being hired because Global Britain needs a trade envoy that brings a wealth of experience in homophobia and misogyny with him.

“I will say though that it was excellent of Matt to distract everyone from the PM’s disaster at PMQs yesterday. Now we’re all talking about Matt again. Which is how he likes it.”

As to what Abbott thinks about the furore over his comments on sensitive subjects, no one has bothered to ask.

“That’s because it’s well known he doesn’t think. He was actually separated from Dominic Raab at birth. They share one brain, cell. It’s a fascinating human story.”

Liz Truss is also rumoured to be feeling a little put out by the decision to hire Abbott descending into farce, as it was her one international success so far.

“Someone is going to have to help Liz. They have to be a bit dim and thuggish as that’s the requirement to work for post Brexit Britain. It’s because of who we intend to cut deals with once we’re free of the tyrannical EU’s minimum standards on human rights,” the source added, “Tony ‘onion eater’ Abbott was a perfect fit for the weirdos and misfits currently holed up in Downing Street.”

Still the U turn, if and when it comes, will presumably be welcomed as the excitement it will generate will conceal some other easily forecast screw up that also needs a U turn.

“It’s tough though,” the source shrugged, “we have to hire the idiots from the former colonies to help us make a success of Brexit. We’re rapidly running out of home grown ones.”