Dominic Raab rumoured treated for shock in Canada at discovery British Columbia isn’t British anymore

Who’s dumb and confused by maps : Raab is! Rumours on the news wires today that British FCO Dominic Raab was treated for shock yesterday in Canada after a geographical stun grenade went off in his mind.

“Let’s be clear,” Doctor Mounted, Register at Colombie-Britannique Royal Infirmary, said, “the cartographical explosion happened in what serves for his mind. I ran the scans myself. The casserole of nonsense inside that cranium deserves further study. It’s not what I would call classical human grey matter.”

The treatment appears to have consisted largely of sedation and being placed in front a photograph of himself smiling.

“We hadn’t quite realised until recently how effective looking at a happy picture of the self is for English Tory narcissists,” Doctor Mounted rose steeply, “but when applied to the eyes, with some Elgar playing softly in the background, with the additional tincture of Boycott talking about rhubarb, the recovery can be exceptionally speedy. The horrible psychological episode is quickly erased by a re-discovery of one’s own imagined self-importance.”

Good news.

Raab himself is rumoured (nothing in this article is real) to have told a close aide, after he regained full consciousness, signified by the throbbing vein on his right temple THROBBING, that he should have paid more for his geography GCSE, and maybe even shelled out on a history one.

How the Canadians managed to get British Columbia away from the UK while still keeping the name British involved is a mystery that the FCO is said to be determined to solve.

“It’s probably the French,” an aide to Raab conjectured, “they’ll do anything to making leaving the EU difficult. Especially stealing the colonies the UK needs to make itself great again.”

As an interim measure Raab has ordered maps at the FCO in London to be redrawn to move British Columbia from the west coast of Wales, where he had personally drawn it in, and to somewhere in the mid-Atlantic.

“Just until he can work out what the hell is going on.”

Having made a full recovery Dom has now journeyed south, across a newly discovered land bridge between Canada and the USA, where he will spend his time being comforted by warmongers. Presumably being encouraged to go home and order something blown up in the Middle East.

Interrail cancelled because we don’t want young people getting the idea that train travel is cheap and efficient

Interrail is going – well, it’s going all over Europe, but it is not going to the UK. The reasons are complex and confusing, so let’s just blame Brexit.

Except London. You can go to London. But that’s only because they haven’t closed the channel tunnel yet.

The original, Victorian, channel tunnel was cancelled because of the fear of invasion. The 21st century killjoys don’t want to be invaded by wide-eyed young foreigners talking in foreign.

But even worse is the fear of radicalisation by the EU. “We can’t have young people growing up believing that rail services can be cheap, efficient, and worst of all, publicly owned!” spluttered unelected British bureaucrat Rusty Rayles.

It’s pure xenophobia too, of course. “We strongly believe that British seats on British trains in Britain should be taken by British bottoms, and not by foreign arses,” insisted Rayles, turning a bit more gammony. “Imagine if, on your way to work, your usual seat is taken up by some scruffy long-haired oik from Madrid called Pedro, smelling of garlic, playing a guitar and talking loudly to his mates across the carriage in Spanish! The very notion is abhorrent!”

In these small-minded times, freedom of movement is regarded as a bad thing. Official thinking is that people should stay in one place, and be of one mind, unless their feudal overlord grants them leave. No train, no gain.

“We want our railways back!” harrumphed Rayles. “Hundreds of different companies! Stations in the middle of nowhere! Smoke, steam, and travelling to nowhere in particular at a snail’s pace! First class for the people who matter, and a couple of cattle trucks for the rest! And we don’t want them to be used by every Tomas, Ricardo and Henriques!”

Change here for Brexit Britain. Yes, the train carries on, but you must get off. Unfortunately, the line hasn’t been built yet and the route is still undecided. Here, let’s shunt you into a siding for a bit. Rejoice!

CETA LATER : Canadians relieved to get Raab and not the Brexit Britain FCO who comes after Raab

RAAB GOES MAPMAKING : Canadians have expressed their relief today that they got a visit from FCO Dominic Raab and not the FCO who comes after Raab.

The relief is based on the prevailing UK trend of each prime minister being worse than the last, and of course all the accompanying ministers follow the same trend.

”Especially since the unanimous decision by the British people to vote overwhelmingly to commit economic and diplomatic suicide,” a spokesman for the Canadian foreign office told LCD Views.

”When we heard the pulsing vein of British diplomacy was coming to our neck of the woods on a cartographical adventure we were seriously nervous. We’ve almost exhausted our famous levels of politeness dealing with the Cheeto headed white supremacist to the south. Now we have to play host to the man who recently discovered Dover? It was a bit much. What would he discover about Canada?”

But after running the visit and its possibilities through a computer simulation usually reserved with forecasting the futures of the lumber industry (it was felt most appropriate to Raab, two short planks and all that), the Canadians discovered they’d scored a lucky break.

”Yes we were going to have to explain, slowly, patiently, repetitively, that 28 is a bigger number than 1, and post Brexit UK wasn’t getting CETA. At least we weren’t going to have to do over WW2 and Mark ‘D Day’ Francois’!”

That’s a win by anybody’s standards. No-one wants to have to deal with a packet of the very thickest mince with a chip on both shoulders, an inferiority complex as big as Boris Johnson’s ego, and a penchant for handing out white feathers.

One further man was delighted. “I’ve found out where Canadia is!” said Dominic Raab happily. “It’s next to the United St… Hang on, unions are bad, aren’t they? Err… Yes, that’s it! It’s next to Friendly Land, where Mr Donald lives with melons in a white pentagon! And they gave me some nice new crayons!”

On hearing the news, Mark Francois was hospitalised with small man syndrome. Meanwhile Raab is getting on with colouring in My First Atlas. He has got the colours inside the lines. Mostly.

Liz Truss announces great trade deal with Nigerian prince

New Trade Secretary and all-round foxy lady, Liz Truss, has revealed her first big success. Foxy’s successor says there is a small initial hit to take, before massive benefits flow into the UK.

“I have to send my Nigerian contact all the secret codes for the Bank of England,” Truss explains. “And an initial payment of £2.1bn. Then trade will flow, and the UK will be rich again! I asked Sajid Javid, and he says it’s ok!”

LCD Views’ WTF?! correspondent asked Truss if she was sure the deal was genuine.

“Ooo yes, of course!” wittered Truss. “I got the email on my very first day in the job! I asked Liam Fox to have a look at it, because he’s a doctor so he’s quite clever. He wasn’t sure, but I think he’s just upset after I got his old job!”

What convinced you that it really was from a Nigerian prince?

“It had one of those untraceable email addresses,” she exclaimed. “Just like our royal family! And there were some cute spelling mistakes too.  He’s Nigerian, after all, his English probably isn’t that good. Bless!”

Truss was also bursting to tell us another piece of great news.

“I’m absolutely bursting!” she gushed. “Like when you need a wee, but in a good way! I’ve struck a deal with Nambia to supply all our covfefe! Brilliant, yeah? This will commence as soon as we find out what the hell covfefe is and what it’s good for!”

And what about your idea to create ten free ports, with all the risks of tax avoidance and money laundering?

“Oh, that’s just a front,” she said. “We are planning to build a wall around the money, and make The People pay for it!”

Truss is already an extremely busy woman. So busy, in fact, that she has taken on a special advisor: none other than that walking success story, Chris Grayling.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/49198825?intlink_from_url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/politics&link_location=live-reporting-story

Downing Street orders Royal Mint to begin printing £1,000,000 notes for daily purchases post No Deal Brexit

HOUSEKEEPING MONEY : Downing Street has refused to comment today on a leek from the Treasury which says it has ordered the Royal Mint to begin printing £1,000,000 notes.

“It’s just sensible forward planning,” a Treasury insider said, on the basis of confidentiality, “hyperinflation will make everyone richer, once No Deal Brexit has been successfully achieved. Imagine walking over to the off licence with a million pound note in your pocket? And coming back with change? By this time next year, we’ll all be millionaires I tells ya!”

The leek itself looked like the standard variety, green and white and stout. Although its presence in the office of a major international online and print powerhouse out of season signifies its importance. We should take what it had to say seriously.

As part of the preparation for the release of the new bank notes a competition will be held to choose who should be on it.

“This time it won’t be a famous British, historical figure of note for the quality in excess of their input to the country,” the leek advises, “it will be a rogue’s gallery of figures still alive to choose from. This will honour some of the people who are currently striving to make Britain great again.”

Boris Johnson. Nigel Farage. Steve Bannon. That little guy named after a Bank. All will be in the running to get their face on the first £1,000,000 bank note ever produced in the United Kingdom.

“I would personally give the honour to David Cameron,” the Treasury insider said, “as his contribution to the current state of affairs should never be forgotten.”

Back Door Boris : British Bulldog downgraded to English Chihuahua

YAPPY AND IRRITATING : Great news today of the revolution continuing across England, and its regions like Scotland, with the confirmation that the British bulldog has been up cycled into an English Chihuahua.

“It was Boris leaving Bute House by the back door that finished the job,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “something of which we’re all immensely proud. He arrived all barrel chested and big teeth, but left with his tail between his legs after the Scots revealed his actual spirit animal is not a bulldog, but something much, much smaller.”

Of course back door Boris is a dead cat, as with everything Boris does. While we’re all laughing at how the Scots roared and he ran, the pound continues to plummet and the Brexit backers, with their hoarded foreign currency (presumably), continue to snap up UK assets at an artificially knocked down price.

“It’s still important though, no matter how successful the distraction,” the aide mused, “now that he’s the holder of executive power perception is vital. So if he’s perceived to be a yappy, spoiled little pedigree, overbred and undertrained, it isn’t great longer term. But we’re here for a good time, not a long time, so get purchasing those assets!”

We here at LCD Views have long mused that Boris is essentially a bully. We’re not going to win any prizes for that insight. But what do bullies do? They make a lot of noise, they cast a long shadow, but when confronted with actual risk, they run.

Back door Boris. Keep barking back and watch him go into hiding as fast as his little legs will carry him. No wonder he’s not going to meet the EU heads of state anytime soon. He maybe our prime minister, but he’s no British bulldog bruv.

Man who wants to leave union says we are stronger together

A man intent on leaving the European Union, come what May, is adamant that the Union between England and Scotland must be maintained. Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The man who, unbelievably, is Prime Minister, is having an argument with Nicola Sturgeon. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to doo,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo! Bung us £10bn and we’ll gie it another goo.”

“No, no, no, no, there’s no magic money tree,” Johnson replied. “It comes to this: we are stronger together. Splitting up is such a fibble fabble. Besides, I spent all the dosh on a propaganda campaign telling the world how simply spaffingly spiffing I am!”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“The UK is a Good Union,” explained Johnson. “But the EU is a Bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“My dear old thing!” replied Johnson in mock alarm. “Orwell? This is the land of Shakespeare, of comedy and tragedy, sometimes simultaneously. To Brexit, or not to Brexit, that is the question. Now is the summer of your discontent. Come to Holyrood, today, in yellow stockings, cross-gartered, and I will deliver complete satisfaction!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain. “Hoo can ye squaur thes circle?” demanded Sturgeon.

“Don’t worry, my pussycat, I’ve got my best man on the case,” burbled Johnson. “Dominic Raab will sort all of you Johnnie foreigners ‘oot’, as soon as he finds ‘oot’ where wee bonnie Scotland is!”

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is busy making no deal plans. In a final statement, she declared: “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it!”

Mass brawl on cruise ship ‘Britannia’ was test run for Day One of No Deal Brexit – Gove

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT : Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Voluntary Starvation, has spoken today to reassure the huddled, but patriotic, masses over reports of an ass brawl on the P&O cruise ship ‘Britannia’.

“This was a test run for day one of a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Gove told reporters gathered outside his home, “it went like clockwork. There is nothing to worry about. No one got eaten.”

The running of the trial aboard the Britannia was intended to present the United Kingdom in microcosm, brawling with itself, adrift off the coast of Europe.

“Reports that the appearance of a clown during a drunken, patriotic party is what triggered the riots are exaggerated,” Mr Gove further explained, “everyone involved was a clown. No, it was a debate over what shape a traditional British banana is that lit the fuse. This is similar to the lively discussions we can expect Global Britons to engage in once they’re standing in ration queues in November. It all went as expected.”

The confinement of the worst offenders to their quarters was also part of the trial.

“We needed to see how easy it is to confine people who do not believe in the curved shape of British tropical fruit,” Mr Gove said, “lest they dampen the morale of the other captives, I mean cheerful, willing patriots trapped on board Britannia with no avenue of escape.”

Further sea trials will be conducted in coming weeks.

“Next we will do walk the plank,” Mr Gove added, “and actors who best resemble serving cabinet ministers will take part. This is to prove prime minister Johnson’s administration will be able to rapidly deal with anyone who gets cold feet in the run up to Halloween 2019.”

No Deal Brexit. Do not fear it. It’s been the plan from the beginning.

Former Soviet scientist says plan to weaponise idiocy and attack West “complete success”

ONE HUNDRED MEGATONNES OF DUMB : Doctor Alexsandr Harrashaw, a professor of human behavioural studies made famous by inventing Boris Yeltsins, has declared today that the Soviet Cold War plan to weaponise idiocy and attack the West was a complete success.

”It’s just took a little longer to come to fruition than expected,” he added, “although the early results of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher allowed the programme to continue as a dark op after the fall of the Berlin Wall.”

Although Reagan and Thatcher are genuinely credited with being smart enough to win the first half of the Cold War 6-0, they also sowed the seeds of the economic fascism that is now eating Western democracies whole.

”What you do these days, this thing of juggling bits of imaginary paper about, and betting on real businesses failing? This is not capitalism. This is economic idiocy. This started with the deregulation of everything and the outsourcing of everything else to strip the public coffers and line the pockets of parasites. For me, this is a personal achievement.”

But now that the UK and USA have moved on to electing actual proven idiots, chancers, liars, cheaters and sociopaths to the highest offices of state, the weaponisation of idiocy is proven.

”Amnesia via tabloids is part of the package. Forget the hard earned, blood soaked lessons of history. Cease to cooperate. Tear apart the rules based orders and make fun of disabled people and minorities. You lot really are dumber than my wildest dreams.”

But isn’t the professor concerned about blowback?

”Yes. But it’s worth it. We have our money all through your political parties. To counteract weaponised idiocy they’ll [governing politicians] have to hurt themselves right where it hurts. In the pocket. Good luck with that! How you doing to do it when you’re at ground zero of dumb?”

Mark Francois says he will refuse Légion d’honneur because he doesn’t take awards from Germans

HE DOESN’T LIKE IT UP HIM : ERG sack of something, Mark Francois (Tory MP for Uninformed-wyth-Belligerence) says he will refuse the Légion d’honneur when it is offered to him, for personally defeating the Nazis in WW2, because he doesn’t take awards from Germans.

Speaking to Peston, Newsnight and late night current affairs programme, Bummed Eye, little Mark was adamant that any awards “foreign powers try and bribe me with to make me into a TRAITOR who seeks to thwart the SWILL OF THE PEOPLE will be shoved back in their faces”.

RIGHT ON.

The diminutive little soldier of English toxic nationalism has of late been one of the primed spokestwats for the ERG/Tories after the media successfully elevated previous, more legible, versions to positions of power and influence.

Now they’ve taken on a serious challenge attempting to elevate the tiny power pack of idiocy.

“I want English medals because I’m English with an English surname,” Mark continued, “you have to call me Mark French from now on. Because French is how the English say Francois and I’m ENGLISH.”

Quite how Mark French came to think that the French government was going to award him with their highest honour is not yet clear.

“Herr Junker wants to influence me and make me into a traitor,” Mark spat and fizzed, “but I won’t take any awards from Germans. I didn’t imagine myself bayoneting Fritz all through my childhood reading Commando comics to turn into a traitor now, right when we’re about to declare war on them again!”

He will however be perfectly happy to accept a new award being devised by Boris Johnson’s government, The Order of the Gammon, and “where the salty slab of ham with pride.”

Global Britain, making friends is so yesterday.