Downing Street – Johnson agrees 2020 holiday schedule in line with Trump’s bombing plans

GROUND TO ZERO : THE BRITISH PUBLIC is taking a deep breath today after confirmation from a reliable Downing Street ‘source’ that Boris Johnson’s people have agreed his 2020 holiday schedule.

“It’s a result of high level discussions between the UK and USA governments,” the source misinforms, “Mr Johnson was a bit flabbergasted to be midway through an expensive island holiday when Drumpf only went and blew up that Iranian guy. He didn’t even talk to Boris about it first. Pretty extraordinary stuff.”

It’s believed the discussions focused on how to avoid a similar PR disaster for 10 Downing Street next time.

“It’s bloody obvious people are going to need to be blown up all through 2020,” the source continues, “it’s not just the need to deflect attention away from Trump’s impeachment trial, but he needs to get re-elected if the moral voids fronting for sociopathic business in the House of Reps acquit him. He needs a lot of explosions that he will definitely look back on. Real man or not.”

From Downing Street’s point of view it is preferable that Mr Johnson isn’t midway through a holiday when the drones strike.

“It’s a messy PR situation,” the source grimaced, “if he was at the start of the holiday everyone could see it’s only fair that Mr Johnson be allowed to complete it. I mean he’s only just got there with his damn fine filly. You can hardly expect them to turn right back around and come home. But midway through? Will travel insurance even cover the cost? I mean, Trump has declared himself God. So it’s an act of God, right? Some might even suggest Boris and Carrie should enjoy the rest of their weekend and get on a plane, after all they’ve been away for weeks. So best to get schedules aligned.”

But others have suggested that as Trump is going to be trigger happy all year that Mr Johnson should holiday in Florida. More specifically at Mar-a-Lago, as it’s likely a responsible statesman like Trump will give the orders to blow people up while golfing.

Boris Johnson packed inside portable safe room for return to UK

RED WHITE AND BLUE TAPE : BRITAIN’S MIA PRIME MINISTER, Alexander something something something Johnson, has been readied for return to the United Kingdom in alignment with both EU and British regulations pertaining to the transport of both smoked, and fresh, fish.

He was first placed inside a cool bag, than placed on an ice pillow inside a portable fridge.

The decision by Mr Johnson to cut short his budget holiday on a little known, sparsely populated desert island, has been taken after some expressed concern that he was sunning himself by a pool at the start of World War Three.

“He’s a bit peeved with Donnie to be honest,” a source inside the food packaging factory [readying Mr Johnson for transport] remarked, “he had hoped to complete Chillunary. It’s a thing where extremely wealthy men, who’ve positioned themselves into positions of power and responsibility on the back of just a shit tonne of lies, then take weeks off not doing their job. As it’s a political appointment no actual work is required. It’s the title that matters most. Underlings and handlers can deal with the day to day.”

But certain members of the British polity and press have expressed concern that Mr Johnson should cut short his chillax time and return home.

“It’s not as if Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab couldn’t handle Iran all on his own,” the source continued, “he’s just completed the couch to 5km and is telling everyone he meets ‘I ran’ here. I ran there.”

The return of Mr Johnson will be welcomed though by the public who will be reassured by his double thumbs up press shots as Mr Trump flails about wondering whether he needs to commit war crimes or not to avoid impeachment.

“I will pull you up on something though,” the source corrected, “you’ve stated Mr Johnson is MIA. He’s most definitely not. He’s not in action. He’s been doing sod all except laugh at the plebs that elected him.”

Points based immigration system to award instant visa for whistling the theme tune to “The Great Escape”

GO HOME OFFICE SINGING ALONG : While the contenders for the Labour leadership come up with innovative ways to appeal to innocent, dewy eyed nativists, such as progressive patriotism, in attempts to continue the roaringly successful fence sitting policy which saw Jeremy Corbyn retain his seat, the Tories aren’t messing around.

The much trumpeted ‘points based immigration system’ is soon to be launched and it will be easy to score max points.

“Max points will get you the golden ticket,” a Home Office insider told LCD Views, “normally golden tickets are reserved for kleptocrats seeking to legitimise their looted money via the London property market, but Global Britain will need to attract a broad range of skills to thrive. Controversial though it is to admit it.”

Patriotism is clearly going to be a growth area, but sadly Boris Johnson’s ‘People’s Government’ of hardworking millionaires can’t rely on the people themselves to supply enough of it.

“Well, once the re-education camps are started that’ll change,” the insider continues, “but until that time we are going to need newcomers who speak, or whistle, our language.”

This language is straightforward. It relies almost entirely of misappropriation of conflicts and sacrifices of the past in morally unsound attempts to legitimise turning the world of today into a rights reducing, profit enhancing, global climate change exacerbating sweatshop for the profit of a minute percentage of the populace.

To this end immigrants applying to enter Global Britain, if there are any, will be able to smash the quiz by whistling the theme tune to ‘The Great Escape’, ‘Dambusters’, ‘The Bridge over the River Why’ and any other of the historical films understanding of the 21st Century for Global Britons will be based on.

“I hear there’s going to be a magic level too, or a level up if you like,” the insider added, “If you can prove you’ve shouted ‘Two World Wars and One World Cup’ at Angela Merkel you’ll get an instant peerage!”

Global Britain, accusations that the government is living in the past? We won’t hear of it!

Nigel Farage to be knighted so when UK recovers its decency it can signal it by stripping him of it

ARISE SIR FROGFACE : The rumour mill is mongering this morning with word from Downing Street that famous potatriot Nigel Farage is to be knighted in this year’s Dishonours List.

“He’s been due one since the famous ‘Breaking Point’ poster mirrored fascist propaganda produced by a famous anti-immigration government,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “you remember the poster? Refugees? Who needs them. Arms sales and oil greed are what we need. Not the result of them. If you’re having trouble remembering the poster, he released it on the day Jo Cox was murdered. Something he described as unfortunate timing. To knight him really tells the world all it needs to know about Brexit Britain.”

That’s if it needs telling.

The gong will be future proofed too.

“He’s going to be knighted just as a knight of England. This way his ‘Sir’ will outlast the breakdown of the United Kingdom. Well, at least until the breaking apart of England itself, as the major cities secede and join the European Union.”

Quite what the Queen thinks about having to wield a sword slowly about Farage’s neck is not clear.

“She can always step down. Boris Johnson is going to legislate that Stanley Johnson is next in line to the throne anyway. He won’t mind the bad taste, just look at what he says on daytime television.”

If the rumours do become fact it may perhaps cause a ripple among existing knights.

“It’s a symbolic title anyway. So what if knighted Farage leads to a devaluation of the honours system? It makes it more accessible. Once we have finished our work remodelling Britain, I mean England, you’ll be able to buy a second hand peerage on the free market with a Brexit 50p.”

If they do knight frogface it will have one useful side affect, apart from making decent Britons too embarrassed to travel abroad with their blue passports.

When the country recovers its sanity and decency it can signal it by stripping Farage of his title.

Boris Johnson approves sale of Larry the Cat to US bioweapons research firm

MIYOOOOAAAWWWW : Do not fear Global Britons Larry the Cat’s future has been secured as part of the first stage of a Free Trade Agreement with impeached US President Donald Trump.

“He’s a taster,” an insider on secondment from Downing Street to the Department of International Trade told LCD Views, “we agreed the sale of Cobham for £4bn today as a dead cat, ironically enough.”

Larry the Cat has been sold to Trump Weapons, a subsidiary of Trump Steaks, but the sum received hasn’t been disclosed. This is because we no longer live in a functioning parliamentary democracy with the relevant parliamentary oversight of executive activities.

Asset stripping of an intentionally devalued UK is of course a key plank of Brexit, but people are surprised to see such an iconic feature of British politics, as Larry, sold off so quickly.

“No time like the present,” the insider explained, “we need to sell as much off as we can before people work out what we’re up to.”

But animal rights activists, and even ordinary voters have expressed alarm that Larry will now come to harm.

“He will be subject to experimentation,” the insider shrugged, “but it’s to fit him with thumbs. Cats with thumbs are the holy grail of weapons research. Imagine a cat with thumbs? Game over man. He’ll be deployed with special forces. Mostly likely to North Korea or Iraq. He’ll blend into the background and dismantle the entire country. Smoke and ruins in days.”

But Johnson watchers suspect there is an additional motivation for Johnson.

“I think anyone who suspects his ego is actually so bloody fragile he can’t handle living with a cat, who as a matter of course views him as subordinate, is presumably entirely correct.”

The United Kingdom to be renamed The Democratic People’s Republic of Global Britain

IF THEY HAVE TO PUT THE WORD DEMOCRATIC IN IT : The cod wars will soon start again in the North Sea but Global Britons have the upper hand this time, thanks to a rebrand which will leave foreign fishermen in no doubt over our resolve.

One of the many new clauses added to Boris Johnson’s WAB (the ‘B’ is pronounced ‘nk’) is a rename of the United Kingdom to reflect the new reality.

“We thought it best to put democratic in the name so everyone knows that removing parliamentary oversight, via a rushed bit of legislation, doesn’t mean the worst actors on the stage have taken back control of parliamentary sovereignty,” a source inside Downing Street said, “and we’ll be having a full military parade in the spring to celebrate Boris Johnson promoting himself to the rank of Field Marshall Wetherspoons.”

The new name will be emblazoned on the currency once Boris Johnson replaces the Queen on notes with himself. It will also be symbolic of the new era after the Fixed Term Parliament Act is amended next summer to legislate for a general election every ten years, instead of five.

“We will be using emergency powers to ban demonstrations too,” the source continued, “because democratic is now in our country’s name there’s nothing to protest about.”

It’s believed the rebrand will give the Johnson administration the upper hand in trade negotiations.

“Once foreign negotiators see that we now have ‘democratic’ in our country’s name they will understand that deals can be done swiftly, just by asking their opposite number for a bank account number and sort code for an account in the Cayman Islands.”

Global Britain. Less democracy is more democracy. Just like nurse numbers.

Government bans English immigration to Scotland in preparation for Brexit

ROGUE TAKES QUEEN : Downing Street is not taking the threat of looming Scottish independence lying down. Well, Jacob Rees-mogg is, but Boris Johnson isn’t. Well, he’s slouching, but he’s kinda upright and focused on it. Okay, he expects to bully and bluff his way around the issue, while simultaneously threatening what he sees as a wayward colony with invasion. But. Well. It’s going to be a clusterfuck. Anyway.

“As part of the move to get ahead of the issue of Scottish independence we are banning all English immigration north of Hadrian’s Wall,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told Peston and Kuenssberg, who breathlessly tweeted it without bothering to confirm the veracity of the statement, “this is so patriotic English men and women, and children, and even pets, aren’t infected with unpatriotic ideas of the kind so popular in the frozen north.”

But while the move just seems obvious, especially if the SNP are now able to realise their long cherished ambition of independence, thanks to Brexit, is has drawn some criticism from within the government.

Speaking in the Commons to give his maiden speech, Mr Completely Eyeswivelling Batshit Insane, newly elected Tory MP for Any-on-where, had this to say,

“May I remind the prime minister of how successful the plantation strategy of William of Tangerine was in dealing with the Irish question,” the MP foamed, “and that it would be much more forward thinking to start sending patriotic English people north now to settle in Scotland. This way he will have a secure foothold when fantasists like myself begin demanding invasion to ensure Scotland doesn’t stay in the EU.”

What Mr Johnson will do with the advice isn’t clear. But he better get a wriggle on because rumours say that Sturgeon has already begun building a wall and that the English immigrants already there are going to pay for it.

UK pollsters to start asking ‘What’s your favourite way to cook rat?’ if Johnson wins majority

RODENT COOKERY 101 : Daily the UK’s social media users are deluged with polls as the first, but not last, GE campaign of 2019 draws to a close. But don’t think the polling companies will be twiddling their thumbs after Thursday.

“Clearly it depends on who wins the general election, or if there’s a hung parliament,” Professor Hungry of NoGov told LCD Views, “the major salivation is over the possibility of a stonking Johnson majority. It’ll give us a completely new range of issues to conduct polls on. Culinary issues.”

And by culinary Hungry isn’t talking about what’s a proper Yorkshire pudding if it’s made of dandruff, are Brussels Sprouts even food if they’re foam toys from a child’s toy kitchen, or would Toad-in-a-Hole actually be improved by use of an actual toad?

“Actually, I’ll interrupt you there,” the professor said, “the toad one is one of the many new and exciting possibilities if Boris Johnson is able to unleash the UK’s potential. You won’t be affording sausage, but if you’re fast, and your garden contains a water feature, you may just catch yourself a toad. But how will they taste? And what demographics will favour them?”

And amphibious creatures won’t be the only life forms being polled. Everyone’s favourite, the rat, will clearly feature heavily.

“Come on. The country is heaving with rats, and not just in government. We all know they’re out there, and according to recent research, British people are already considering the best way to cook them. By far the most popular method is flame grilling. You don’t have to skin them that way, the hair just burns off. But there is a niche electorate who do wish to skin them first in order to keep the pelts for making clothes.”

If Boris Johnson and the charlatans surrounding him are enabled to unleash the country’s potential in the way they desire, you’ll be having heated debates about the bin fire over exactly what to do with that rat.

Boris Johnson says people are bored of political interviews and would much prefer fascism

NO LAUGHING MATTER : The UK’s outgoing prime minister, Boris ‘if it moves I’ll shag it’ Johnson, has provided clarity today over his refusal to be grilled, basted, roasted, boiled alive and generally severely singed by his fellow Barclay Brother’s employee Andrew Neil.

“The great people of this great nation are bored of political interviews,” Mr Johnson revealed, having decided the matter for himself, “they’d much prefer some good old fashioned, straight talking fascism.”

And it seems so far as this matter goes Mr Johnson has the courage of his convictions, not always something that has been said about him.

All you have to do is look deeply into the (mostly) slogan-scat smeared pages of his party’s election manifesto to find proof.

“Page 48,” he went on, “you’ll find it in there. Total wipeout of parliamentary sovereignty, and just like Brexit, we expect the people to vote for it. Ha!”

And there’s more to it. Not only is there a smash and grab for executive power, there’s news of how Mr Johnson will convey his message to the grated British people, if the people, and then parliament, are confused and cowed enough to allow it.

“Following in the footsteps of the great orators of the past,” Mr Johnson added, “Mussolini, Sadam, Eddie H and so on, I will talk directly to the people I govern. In this way, as the boot of fascism presses down on their chests, they will understand why.”

And he will do this via the good old fashioned, British invention of television.

“24/7 streaming of my thoughts, via your British made LCD flatscreen, into every living, and dead room in the land. And if you don’t watch, we’ll know.”

Let’s Get Brexit Done and watch Boris Johnson’s ratings soar.

It is still a choice, for now, and you don’t have to vote for it…I know I won’t.

UK’s national anthem “God Save The Queen” replaced by recording of slogan “Get Brexit Done”

NATIONAL TANTRUMS : Drama and scandal today after Downing Street revealed the UK’s national anthem, ‘God Save Someone’, has been replaced by an audio clip of the slogan ‘Get Brexit Done’.

The updating to a more focused set of words isn’t the cause of concern, but rather the name of the choir chosen to record it.

“Shortly before 7am this morning a furious Archbishop oF Cantandbury released a press statement demanding to know why the CofE boy’s choir had not been given the honour of recording ‘Get Brexit Done’, even though he has personally supported the project,” a national anthem matters correspondent reports,

“the decision to have the Conservative Party Boys Choir record the slogan instead is not going to be ‘just brushed under the carpet like the awareness of electoral crimes, the upsurge in racism and religious intolerance caused by the political decision to Brexit, based on a criminally corrupted, advisory, national opinion poll’ declared the Archedbishop.”

In this he has been supported by numerous cantilevered members of clergy and a concave nun.

And the Archedbishop wasn’t done with just that.

“I demand the immediate re-recording of the slogan by the CofE or you just wait to see how much pushback there is over secret government plans to dissolve the Church of England and use the sale of its assets to pay for Brexit!”

Downing Street has not officially responded to the demands yet, although a source did say off the record,

“Boris Johnson’s government will bend over backwards to maintain vigorous relations with the church and all its representatives and so will allow the CofE to record the B-side of a special Christmas release of ‘Get Brexit Done’ to be called ‘Morally Validating Electoral Crimes Never Hurt Anyone,.”

More on this story as it develops tumescently and eventually explodes, said the bishop.