Brexodus Britain to spend 40 years walking in the wilderness

The UK has finally broken free of its alleged enslavement. But without a plan or a map of the Road From Brexit, 40 years wandering in the wilderness lies ahead.

The Chosen People have followed the directions of the LORD, guided by His holy writings in the Daily Mail. The LORD appointed a gloriously useless leader to guide them through the desert.

“Boris will guide us to the Promised Land!” thundered the headline. Nobody knows where the Promised Land is, or even whether it exists. It is a mythical land of milk, honey, sunlit uplands, and unicorns frolicking with mermaids in the treetops.

Even now, some of The People are beginning to question the wisdom of leaving. “We were better off before, we had food, money, and homes,” they remoan. “Why did we ever Believe in Better?” But there is no going back. The great prophet Jacob predicted that prosperity will return in a mere 40 years. Meanwhile The People must live in tents, live hand to mouth and relish their freedom and sovereignty.

“There is only one thing to do!” exclaimed Boris. “I’m going to disappear for a while and get instructions from the LORD!”

Innocent bystanders might have been forgiven for thinking that he was intoxicated, as Boris was later discovered talking to a burning bush.

Boris returned to The People, carrying stones engraved with instructions. A bit like Ed Miliband’s Labour promise stone.

These promises include “Honour thyself above all others”, “Thou shalt bear false witness”, and “Committing adultery is OK by me”.

But, lo! The People, doubting their glorious leader, had pooled their resources and created a golden bust of Nigel Farage to worship.

“Yeah, whatever, he can take the blame,” shrugged Boris. “In fact, let’s just stay here, Turkey, Macedonia and Egypt will be desperate to do a trade deal with a bunch of stragglers camping in the desert!”

Don’t complain. You voted for this!

Downing Street LOCKDOWN after reports of mass desertion of BRITISH fish to French waters


“No one could have predicted it,” a source inside Defra told LCD Views, “the fish don’t even have blue passports yet. It’s rattled the cage we keep Boris in, I can tell you that.”

While the process of forcing forrin fish to apply for Settled Status in BRITISH waters has been ongoing for sometime, thanks to retrospective changes to maritime immigration laws that seriously strengthen Britain’s credibility as a liberal, progressive, humane, outward looking, welcoming state, in no way drifting into fascism while half of the country is in a coma watching Love Island – while that’s been happening, no one has given much thought to controlling our watery borders in the other direction. Or to the structure of this paragraph, so it seems.

“Personally I would sink these reports into the Marinara Trench, and any other pizza themed spots you can find in the deep,” the source continued, “pass emergency legislation to make it illegal to even say the words ‘British fish mass desertion’. If the broader population don’t believe EVERY MAN WOMAN, CHILD AND FISH is a POTATRIOT FOR BREXIT, then it threatens to undermine the entire kleptomaniac agenda.”

But while the reports are alarming and swim counter to the codswallop of the people, it will probably turn out to be even more alarming. Perhaps they’ve been stolen while they slept?

“Yes. That’s more likely the case. I suggest we accuse the French of kidnapping the fish and threaten them with the one gunboat remaining (after years of Tory austerity). One thing is certain, if fish continue to desert to the Continentals the entire policy agenda of Global Britain could flounder.”

Come back fish, all is forgiven.

“Not it’s not. This is Brexitannia. Where even a fish can be a traitor.”

Johnson aiming for No Deal with EU as Remainers stockpiling now only way to boost UK economy

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER : The last ever UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, gave the game away in a speech earlier today on his vision for a future relationship with the EU, and how he will negotiate it.

In a speech made underneath a painting of the sort of divine intervention he’ll require to make any of his endless bullshit fly, he let keen observers into how he sees the future of the British economy.

“It’ll be cyclical,” our economic analyst reports, with a shrug, “but then it always is. Basically he’ll keep running down the clock on negotiations with Brussels on a bi-annual cycle. The looming dread of No Deal will see Remainers, and even some Leave voters eventually, go out and stockpile. This will give the UK economy a shot in the arm and economic forecasts will remain reliably upbeat.”

The only flaw in the plan appears to be if the EU actually call his bluff and force him to choose between a rational arrangement that recognises the geographical realities, and intermingled relationship between the UK and EU, or finally the catastrophe that No Deal would be.

“That’ll still be fine. The mass amount of stockpiling which would occur in the event of the EU doing so will easily carry the UK through to the 2025 GE on toilet paper sales alone.”

Whether or not any of Mr Johnson, and his Brexit travellers, bluff and bluster will finally be called now that the UK has left the EU remains to be seen.

“Getting the transition period was a good bit of blackmail by the UK government,” our analyst acknowledges, “tantric Brexit remains the policy. But really between the Brexit sheets everyone is getting shafted. It just remains to be seen who will be left holding the baby when the reality hits home. And if Johnson does finally end up with no deal, whether by accident or design, at least UKGov won’t have been stockpiling body bags for nothing. Win win.”

Shop like a patriot – All products sold in UK shops after 11pm Friday must have a Union Jack on packaging

PUT A UNION JACK ON THAT UNION JACK : 10 Downing Street has moved to clear up confusion over new laws for retailers with a press statement this afternoon.

Shortly before 1pm a Downing Street ‘source’ spoke to reporters from behind a screen and while wearing a face mask. But we can confirm, in spite of the flimsy attempts to remain anon, everyone knew who it was.

“From 11pm CET Friday, 31St January 2020, new laws will come into force in shops and on the British internet,” the statement went, “sale of all and every product, no matter how large or small, whether it’s the one item still domestically produced, or any of the various imported products, will be illegal unless a Union Jack in present on the packaging.”

And to be sure everyone was with it there were further details.

“Single items, such as apples and grapes, which may now and then be sold individually, must bear a sticker with a Union Jack on them. If the item is a banana, and thus potentially imported, it will also have to carry the sticker. The sticker itself, in such circumstances, must be British made and also have a Union Jack on it.”

The rules will also apply to imported German cars, French cheeses and Italian sparkling wines. This is because the British invented all these things and 10 Downing Street is determined to claim it.

“If British money is paying for it it needs to add the sense of national unity engendered by Brexit by having a British flag on it.”

Once the new rules have been successfully applied in shops and everyone is feeling exceptionally patriotic, and showing it, the rules will extend to other areas of public life.

“Public transport will have Union Jacks on the buses. NHS doctors will be required to stick a Union Jack plaster across sutures and all music broadcast or played in the UK will soon have to carry a sample on the track which will be simply worded so as not to interrupt. The wording will be ‘Union Jack’.”

LCD Views has already noted that Union Jacks are appearing everywhere, even places it seemed previously unnecessary to have them, and applauds the new laws which will help make a success of Brexit.

“A freephone number will be unveiled shortly so customers can report any retailers not adhering to these simple new guidelines, especially sellers of Scottish, Welsh and Cornish flags.”

Cheddar Man facing deportation after failing to provide proof of continual residency

HE SHOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR SS : Time and space are no barrier to controlling OUR BOARDERS now that the UK is freeing itself from the SHACKLES OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

“To make the point we’re deporting Cheddar Man,” a Home Office hostile environment, face eating lizard told LCD Views, “we are not just stopping at stopping child refugees getting into the country. We mean business. We’re going to boot out anyone who can’t satisfy our simple requirements, alive or dead.”

What Cheddar Man will make of the move to make an example of him wasn’t known, so we popped along to the Natural History Museum to ask.

“This kipper government can’t stand it,” the skeleton appeared to say, “dark skin and blue eyes and the first proper Englishman? Mate. How the hell do you get your average Express reader to comprehend that without some sort of brain implosion? Best just to deposit me back on the other side of the North Sea and never, ever mention it again.”

And removing the inconvenient Cheddar Man won’t be the last in the move to tidy up the UK’s creation myth.

“We will be renaming certain areas of the country to reflect how the modern human story began in Blighty,” a spokesman from the new Ministry for Accurate Geographical Archaeology added to the story, “Yorkshire Dales will become The Rift Valley. Now the whole world will know that humans originated from England and bow before us. And wherever it was that farming was invented in Turkey? Yeah. We’ve a dedicated team looking at changing the name of the place on Wikipedia to Thanet.”

Whether or not there is any resistance to these changes won’t be reported. Actually, if your MP knows you voted against Brexit, you’ll be lucky if you’re even acknowledged.

Cheddar Man should have kept proper records. Retrospective changes to immigration laws to make people who arrived legally illegal humans is the way forward for Brexitannia. The world will see it and love us. These are the works of Global Britain.

Government simplifies MPs’ Code of Conduct to “Fuck business, and the rest of it”

WORDS MATTER : Reality is what you imagine it to be. This Global Britons is how we will reshape our country for the challenges we are creating ourselves for tomorrow!

To this end the Chancellor Mr Javid, famous for having worked for Deutsche Bank in the build up to the 2008 financial crash, has urged any British business not in the boom sector of disaster capitalism to prepare to be a disaster.

To help in this end the government has rewritten the MPs code of conduct so MPs know what to do when the disasters begin in earnest.

Gone are such fluffy, woke, hipster nonsense like selflessness. Mate. What were you thinking? How can that possibly prepare Britain for Brexit? Don’t even think about considering the needs of others. Misunderstood Darwinism is now the go to moral in the code.

Integrity? OMG. Boris Johnson being Prime Minister and also elevating MPs sacked by the electorate to the Lords settles that score.

Accountability? Pah! We can’t even do basic maths anymore. Just look at our Brexit forecasts. There aren’t any! And besides, MPs need to know that when we do Brexit it is the fault squarely of the people who said Don’t Do Brexit.

Openness? Another quaint notion that won’t build Empire 2.0. Release the Russia Report? And what? Lose our jobs? You’re having a laugh.

And the rest of it. Honesty. Leadership. Yeah. Yeah. You’ve not been paying attention.

Now the code of conduct is simple. Simply ‘Fuck Business, and the rest of it’, just listen to Javid (and chums), blithely throwing millions to the wolves because, wait for it, the people voted for it.

Representative parliament has outlived its usefulness to predatory billionaires, now we do Brexit. Get on with it.

Big Ben replica will chime at Mar-a-lago 11pm 01/31/20 – Johnson to build from wine crates and craft glue

TRUMP WILL GO LIKE THE CLAPPERS : BORIS JOHNSON IS WORKING OVERTIME all through January as the deadline for the legal departure of the United Kingdom from the European Union looms on the horizon.

“Boris is drinking 24/7. Bordeaux mostly, with some Louis Latour Cordon champagne in the evenings,” a Downing Street source reveals.

“He is going to need a lot of empty wine crates to make the replica Big Ben in time for transport to Florida. Happily the public are ready to foot the bill for the craft glue and paint. And the RAF are on standby to fly Big Ben 2 to Mar-a-lago. The Atlas jet is fuelled and waiting on the tarmac at Lakenheath as we speak.”

But controversy has immediately engulfed the prime minister’s decision to construct a replica Big Ben to chime on the 31st January, marking the moment the United Kingdom takes its star off the Flag of Europe and sticks it onto the Stars and Stripes.

“Apparently Mr Johnson is choosing the wine himself and has not employed an actual sommelier,” the source admitted, “but if there’s one thing Mr Johnson has experience in, it’s wine. This is a storm in a teacup. Or a bubble in a flute, if you will.”

But shouldn’t the wine be English sparkling wine?

“Ha! That’s just for the plebs. Oh my God! You don’t expect Al to drink that do you? Wow. Listen. Tomorrow the Express is going front page with the story that Mr Johnson is using a pole dancer’s pole internally, to hang the bell on in his replica Elizabeth Tower. Focus on that.”

And who will ring the replica bell?

“Well that’s a sore point in the Conservative Party. Mark Francois is insistent he should do it, but apparently he’s having trouble getting a visa for the USA. Some wrangle over the trade rules to do with import of potatoes. So Mr Trump is going to do it himself. Which is fitting, as it’s the moment he becomes President of the United Kingdom. His handlers just have to educate him over time zone differences so he can strike the right note in time.”

Where will Mr Johnson be?

“Hiding in a walk in fridge on Mustique. Where else?”

Vegan sausage roll burning to be centrepiece of the Festival of Brexit

LOOK AT US WORLD LOOK AT US ROAR : THE GOVERNMENT is moving ahead at speed with its plans for a Festival of Brexit. It’s going to be fantastic.

“James ‘Not so’ Cleverly has even reset his famous clock for it,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he doesn’t realise it makes him look like a total plank, so he’s perfect for it. Stand in front of the jingoistic clock James and smile. You’re really earning your pay and extra holidays!”

But what about the festival itself? What’s to be the centrepiece?

“Something that completely celebrates the national IQ as symbolised by Brexit,” the source informed, “we’re going to burn it all to the ground. Then poor people will sweep up the ashes. It’ll be a hoot. The entire cabinet has been given front row seats. The general public will have to pay for it.”

But burn what to the ground? Manufacturing and services? Hard won rights, gifted regardless of the accident of birth over decades?

“Yeah, Brexit is putting the hoi polloi back in its box. Ha! Just imagine the pain of being a toff growing up in the 80’s and 90’s and watching the EU enfranchise those upstart plebs and your hard earned, inherited bank balance having little to do with it? Always completely baffled me why there were Lexiters, given the aims of the Brexiters, but we’re getting distracted.”

Yes. You still haven’t answered the question of what is to be burned to the ground?

“It’s a not a Wicker Man. Well. It is. But with a contemporary British, obsessional twist!”


“No. But good choice! No. It’s to be a giant vegan sausage roll. They’ll smell the smoke burning in Brussels. Then they’ll know once the trade negotiations begin they’re really in for it.”

Downing Street – Johnson agrees 2020 holiday schedule in line with Trump’s bombing plans

GROUND TO ZERO : THE BRITISH PUBLIC is taking a deep breath today after confirmation from a reliable Downing Street ‘source’ that Boris Johnson’s people have agreed his 2020 holiday schedule.

“It’s a result of high level discussions between the UK and USA governments,” the source misinforms, “Mr Johnson was a bit flabbergasted to be midway through an expensive island holiday when Drumpf only went and blew up that Iranian guy. He didn’t even talk to Boris about it first. Pretty extraordinary stuff.”

It’s believed the discussions focused on how to avoid a similar PR disaster for 10 Downing Street next time.

“It’s bloody obvious people are going to need to be blown up all through 2020,” the source continues, “it’s not just the need to deflect attention away from Trump’s impeachment trial, but he needs to get re-elected if the moral voids fronting for sociopathic business in the House of Reps acquit him. He needs a lot of explosions that he will definitely look back on. Real man or not.”

From Downing Street’s point of view it is preferable that Mr Johnson isn’t midway through a holiday when the drones strike.

“It’s a messy PR situation,” the source grimaced, “if he was at the start of the holiday everyone could see it’s only fair that Mr Johnson be allowed to complete it. I mean he’s only just got there with his damn fine filly. You can hardly expect them to turn right back around and come home. But midway through? Will travel insurance even cover the cost? I mean, Trump has declared himself God. So it’s an act of God, right? Some might even suggest Boris and Carrie should enjoy the rest of their weekend and get on a plane, after all they’ve been away for weeks. So best to get schedules aligned.”

But others have suggested that as Trump is going to be trigger happy all year that Mr Johnson should holiday in Florida. More specifically at Mar-a-Lago, as it’s likely a responsible statesman like Trump will give the orders to blow people up while golfing.

Boris Johnson packed inside portable safe room for return to UK

RED WHITE AND BLUE TAPE : BRITAIN’S MIA PRIME MINISTER, Alexander something something something Johnson, has been readied for return to the United Kingdom in alignment with both EU and British regulations pertaining to the transport of both smoked, and fresh, fish.

He was first placed inside a cool bag, than placed on an ice pillow inside a portable fridge.

The decision by Mr Johnson to cut short his budget holiday on a little known, sparsely populated desert island, has been taken after some expressed concern that he was sunning himself by a pool at the start of World War Three.

“He’s a bit peeved with Donnie to be honest,” a source inside the food packaging factory [readying Mr Johnson for transport] remarked, “he had hoped to complete Chillunary. It’s a thing where extremely wealthy men, who’ve positioned themselves into positions of power and responsibility on the back of just a shit tonne of lies, then take weeks off not doing their job. As it’s a political appointment no actual work is required. It’s the title that matters most. Underlings and handlers can deal with the day to day.”

But certain members of the British polity and press have expressed concern that Mr Johnson should cut short his chillax time and return home.

“It’s not as if Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab couldn’t handle Iran all on his own,” the source continued, “he’s just completed the couch to 5km and is telling everyone he meets ‘I ran’ here. I ran there.”

The return of Mr Johnson will be welcomed though by the public who will be reassured by his double thumbs up press shots as Mr Trump flails about wondering whether he needs to commit war crimes or not to avoid impeachment.

“I will pull you up on something though,” the source corrected, “you’ve stated Mr Johnson is MIA. He’s most definitely not. He’s not in action. He’s been doing sod all except laugh at the plebs that elected him.”