NOTHING TO SEE HERE : A Downing Street source has been spreading its ‘briefs’ like a cruise ship case of the runs across MSM today after Boris Johnson successfully bamboozled EU Empress Angela ‘Mutti’ Merkel earlier today in a phone call.
Speaking both on and off the record, beside it, over and under it, the source ‘leaked’ by not leaking, but actually texting directly, Downing Street’s narrative on where the UK is v EU with Brexit.
“We hold all the cards,” the source reassured, “they don’t know what’s hit them. Although the German carmakers, currently in panic lockdown know the score. So too the Czech Prosecco makers and the French cheddar specialists. Wait until we invade Finland and hold the snowmen hostage just prior to Christmas. They will bend the knee. Oh. Oh. Oh.”
And there was more.
“The EU completely fails to appreciate the relative power difference in these so called negotiations,” it continued, “which are really just discussing the terms of its surrender to the UK. Well, little England to be specific. A thousand year reign of the Express digesting shires is just in reach. One more push poor folk, while the psychotic, narcissistic inheritance millionaire of the right and the left (check out the personal wealth of high profile Lexiters…) hide safe, far behind the lines. Your sacrifice is welcome.”
And there was more.
“Tomorrow we take our shirts off and start fronting the EU from the White Cliffs of Dover. Just one look at my magma powered man nipples and the French fishing fleets will be motoring for a safe harbour. We are Global Britain. Our reign is just beginning!”
And if the EU don’t fold, even at the last minute?
“Then we turn not only rogue state, but cannibalism. The sight of people rioting and screaming as the Japanese carmakers relocate to Eastern Europe will scar the EU forever. It’s their fault for making us hold the IN/OUT Referendum in the beginning. Now they own what we’ll do to them.”
I feel better now.
Here I was thinking we were currently governed by a cabal of spoilt brats who you wouldn’t trust to govern an industrialised country intimately connected with its neighbours for fear they’d just make a scat hash of it out of delusions of grandeur and a complete inability to separate their pseudo-sexual machismo from ACTUAL FUCKING REALITY AND HISTORY.