Johnson to remind Spain “We won the war” as Brits barred from battle of the sunloungers

COSTA DEL NO : British prime minister and world LEADER, Boris ‘Al to his chums’ Johnson is to send a sternly worded rebuke today to all of Spain.

LCD Views has been given a copy of the letter by a Downing Street source and can exclusively reveal some of the contents.

“It comes to a pretty, date I say petty, pass in the long friendship of our two nations when Brits are banned from the Costa del Sol, but Germans can just waltz right in, for no good reason at all. Other than a trifling discrepancy in CV-19 experiences, which are easily explained by the most cursory examination of varying use of statistics.”

And that’s not all. There are a lot of barely relevant classical references, which we have decided not to reprint so as not to spoil the surprise for Spain.

The banning of Brits is especially unfortunate given that “Her Majesty’s Government is set to relax social distancing further in the U.K., the better to allow Conservative MPs to resume their extramarital affairs.

“Can Junker just sail his yacht to Mallorca now with mistresses in tow, but Montgomery Filliby-Sax-Generouswaffle-Bunting-Pax-Romanica can not? This will not further Spanish interests in the looming unilateral, post Brexit, trade talks.”

It is certain that the great people of these islands will stand shoulder to shoulder with the robust stance of the prime minister. We will not be bullied! The people dying in their hundreds daily from CV-19 are in British hospitals, not Brits in Spanish hospitals. There is no good reason at all to ban Brits.

But it’s not all troubled waters. In a further boost to British morale Mr Johnson will threaten to hold the 2020 beach towel to sun lounger championships in Dover, with the competition broadcast across Europe. And we will say NO PADRE! NEIN GERMANIA! When desperate Europeans demand to compete.

And in a further example of the strategic genius of Downing Street, Swedes will be allowed fo compete, seeing as their government also followed the fearless “kill all the weak” public health policy with Covid-19.

Costa Del No? So what? Drink your own Corona! Brits are happiest at home this summer!

Greece READY to deport Dominic Cummings the moment BAN on UK travellers comes into force


“The UK’s acting prime minister, Dominic Cummings, will be aprehended the moment he attempts to enter Greece,” a border force official said soberly, “we are aware that any law restraining his freedom of movement will be seen as a challenge. We are ready to take him into custody and send him back where he came from.”

The motivation appears to be the roaring success Mr Cummings has made of Covid-19 in the UK, which currently tops the world leagues in excess mortality.

But confusion has arisen over where Mr Cummings will come from? Will it be his London elite Islington address, Durham in general, Chillingdon Castle or Barnard Castle?

What is certain is that he will already have an excuse ready for why his travel was necessary, while 65m+ other UK citizens did as they were told, because they were stupid enough to hold the greater public good to heart.

“Remember, he will probably claim something ridiculous like he was only travelling to Greece because he was concerned that the beaches were running out of sand, or something similar,” the official added, “this assertion is not meant to be taken at face value. It’s purpose is to show you that he holds you in contempt and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

It is expected that numerous Tory Party MPs will also need to be swiftly apprehended and returned. In fact, probably the majority of the current cabinet, judging by the catalogue of unpunished breaches which occurred while the UK government pretended to lockdown.

It’s understood Mr Cummings’ wife is already writing the sequel to her famous Covid-19 fantasy. This is also set in London, while the real action will be happening far, far away.

Downing St offers Greece Elgin Marbles back on condition PM+1 can have beach holiday this summer

IT’S THE INALIENABLE RIGHT OF BRITISH MEN WITH MISTRESSES TO HAVE A BEACH HOLIDAY : Downing Street is ramping up the pressure on the Greek government today to fulfil Downing Street’s breezy assurance of ‘air bridges’ for summer holidays.

This comes after no less than the Greek tourism minister poured cold water on the idea. Some quibble about UK Covid-19 levels. But that isn’t stopping the UK government. Listening to what foreign chaps say is something we haven’t done since the 16th century.

“The Greeks, they can have the Elgin Marbles back,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the British Museum will just have to suck it up. It’s a question of priorities. And they can have the flipping Pantheon back too. And the Lighthouse of Pharos. Sod it. Throw in Alexander the Great’s marble cricket bat. The entire UK catalogue of Nana Mouskouri vinyl, if that’s what it takes. Basically, whatever they like. But. We. Must. Have. That. Air. Bridge. Mr. Johnson. Must. Holiday.”

But while the offers to the Greek administration are ramping up, it seems the scope of the British government ambition is distinctly ramping down. At least in terms of who gets a summer holiday.

“Look, we’re just asking for a beach holiday for Boris Johnson, plus one.”

This has led to speculation about who the plus one maybe?

“That’s flipping obvious,” the source informed, rather testily, “It won’t be Carrie or his estranged wife or any of the mothers of his numerous children. It’ll be Dom. Those two are inseparable. And for any wags tempted to say Boris has lost his marbles, you just look at his handling of Covid-19.”

As for who will pay for Mr Johnson+1 to go on holiday, the answer to that remains a mystery buried on the island of Mustique.

Priti Patel says freedom of movement will end on the 300,48,153,67th February 2021


The bill, which aims to show the dominance of the United Kingdom by stripping its citizens of rights to live, work, love, be educated and settle across an entire continent, passed at the second reading in the House of Commons. Three times will be a charm.

“It was a great day for evil,” a source inside the Ministry of Malignance told LCD Views, “to think, millions of people will suffer. The greatest abolition of rights for Brits in centuries. Decades of progress reversed at a stroke. It really is delicious.”

Exactly when the changes will come into force isn’t entirely clear. It will become clearer when confusion of the extent of the transition period is cleared up.

“Of course the Bank of England is seeing to it that the financial sector doesn’t exit the transition at the end of the year. As for the peasants, well, mwahahahahaha. Get rich quick folks! Ha!”

Of particular joy with the bill is the confirmation that the very same immigrant workers currently dying, treating Brits, will be charged for the privilege of accessing healthcare, while also paying NI.

“We’re particularly pleased with that. The sheer weight of rank hypocrisy is mindboggling. Priti will be out clapping on Thursday night for the NHS, don’t worry about that.”

But how many times will Priti Patel clap?

“Why 300,48,153,67 times of course,” the source beams, while torturing a puppy, “which is exactly the day in February when the changes to the bill will come into affect.”

Downing Street to pretend everyone else on Earth is dead so UK CV-19 strategy looks like a success

WHO YOU GONNA CALL : LCD Views has the scoop today with a leaked transcript of the speech Prime Minister Boris Johnson will make to the country later today.

The speech, named “Plan R+B”, is thought to be a last ditch attempt to paint the bungled response to the Covid-19 pandemic as a roaring success of British ingenuity and pluck. We produce it in full below. Good luck.

“It’s with a heavy heart I, your sometime prime minister, inform you, the good and patriotic people of this blessed isle, that we are the last survivors of Covid-19 on Earth. Potentially even in the universe.

It maybe that in time we will discover other British people, blessed with Blitz spirit as an inalienable birth right, have survived the plague that wiped out the rest of mankind, in some dark corner of the globe. In fact I expect that is so, unless of course they married foreigners and had their pulse weakened by such a lack of forethought.

But the time to explore the globe for these extraordinary examples of British pluck and perseverance is not now. As such I am ordering all borders closed from this moment. No one is to even try and get across the Channel to France. There’s no point. There’s no one there anymore. It is a shame that our distant cousins had such poor leadership in this crisis, or they may have also survived.

We have before us now many tasks, not least the repopulation of the planet.

Domestically we firstly have to reintroduce the feudal class system. Thankfully the EU Withdrawal Bill gives myself the right to do so. Look forward with a heavy heart to this sunlit upland. You, the people of the Ark. Your field work will be valued not in devalued currency, but by the sweat on your brow and the satisfaction of a hard day’s graft.

As for myself I will continue to sire offspring and you can be reassured that in time I will truly be the nation’s father.

Britain needs your unbreakable spirit now more than ever and I trust you will all do your utmost, regardless of which Tory MP is chosen to be your lord and master.

And take comfort in the knowledge that never again will British fish be fished by anyone that isn’t British.

We have triumphed where others have fallen. And it was take it on the chin that gave us this most unhappy of victories.”

Johnson calls for global body dedicated to disease control so UK is “warned next time before pandemic hits”

WHO COULD IT BE NOW : Downing Street has slammed the “amateurish comms” from the WHO today after discovering an email warning about CV-19 in the “junk” folder.

The group email, which was junked due to having EU addresses in the “To:” section carried potentially lifesaving information about Covid-19.

“If they’d bothered to send us a personalised email, as befits our status as a global buccaneering powerhouse, and not some group spam involving lesser countries, perhaps we would have stood a chance,” a Downing Street official told LCD Views, “they basically kept it secret until it was too late.”

Why the WHO decided to include other European country email addresses in the To: section isn’t yet clear.

“It’s a set up,” the aide went on, “I hear they even added Junker’s gmail address just to make sure our email account decided it was spam.”

The phone call from President Xi in January, before Britain legally exited the EU, was also dismissed.

“He rang up to warn us to dial back the China conspiracy rhetoric, not to offer advice on CV-19,” the aide corrected the record, “said we could build our own nuclear power stations if we went along with Trump on the ‘China Flu’ take.”

Why the WHO would choose to discriminate against the UK was obvious to all though.

“Jealousy,” the aide shrugged, “envy. Spite. Covetousness. They see the unbridled potential of Britain, freed of the shackles of EU PPE procurement programmes, and they want to stack the deck. Very transparent.”

But critics of the government have hit back and said “We’ve seen a leaked copy of the email and it was titled ‘Busty Blondes For Boris’. There is zero chance Downing Street junked the email.”

For its part the WHO promised to shout loudly in English next pandemic, and to additionally “Give the UK advice on how to spread the virus, so we can be confident they’ll do the opposite.”

Downing Street is believed not to have noticed that direct comment and tonight Boris Johnson himself will call for a new global body dedicated to disease control. Adding it’s “about time one was set up” and he is happy to lead it so long as “the position comes with a fridge in case things get dicey”.

Boris “SNAFU” Johnson to buy back 400K British blue passports accidentally shipped to Turkey

CLUSTERFARK : THE UK GOVERNMENT has responded today to criticisms of its PPE procurement process after imaginative revelations that it accidentally shipped 400K British blue passports to Turkey, instead of returning the 400K substandard medical gowns it bought in a hurry.

“The outcome isn’t important,” the government’s power animal, Chris Grayling, told LCD Views, “what matters is the headline on the day and how much public money gets shifted into private pockets.”

It’s rumoured the purchase of both the gowns and the accidental shipment of passports were all part of a mad scheme cooked up by a complete and total genius.

“Do you know how much it costs at the moment ferrying huge shipments back and forth? Massive. Get yourself into transport. Boom sector right now. Put the house on it. We knew the gowns were actually kid’s nurses outfits when we ordered them. We never intended to do anything but send them back. It was the headline on the day that mattered. PPE TO THE RESCUE AS JOHNSON FLIES IN GOWNS FROM TURKISH DELIGHT WORD SALAD RELYING ON SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.”

But how the blue passports ended up in Ankara is a different matter, surely?

“Not at all. Do you want to talk about the 10’s of 1000’s of deaths that could have been avoided if you weren’t governed by light weight con men? I don’t! Let’s demand our passports back! They’re symbols of our sovereignty. Outrageous!”

And the genius wheeze has a further twist.

“That bloody Starmer will probably raise the issue of the passports next week at PMQs. But we’ve a plan for how Boris Johnson can play that inswinger.”

Which is?


CV-19 : “Not fair to compare UK death rates with other countries” because “they’re not run by fucking idiots”


“Clearly we’re not going to compare our stats with the Martians,” Hurd Immunitee told LCD Views, “because there’s no CV-19 there. Not that we know of. But then the Martians are very secretive. You never know what they’re up to. They also have a disproportionate social distancing policy of 179.68 million miles. The inalienable right of Martian men and women to travel the solar system has long been crushed. And we’re not going down that path. In fact I deplore people who suggest we should. Just think of the damage to the economy? Well, not the bodybag and furnace economy clearly. But the other economy.”

But in spite of the clarity some traitors are still insisting on making comparisons between Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson’s sweep through and shut the barn door after approach, and places like Germany, South Korea, Taiwan, Australia, Poland and so on.

“Firstly, don’t bring Poland into it. What do plumbers know about infectious diseases?” the Downing Street Tory Boy looked a little baffled, “certainly not as much as the guy in contempt of parliament over data misuse in a referendum. He’s the expert.”

Who else should we ignore?

“The Germans. They lost the war one thousand years before the vast majority of them were even born, so it’s clear they can’t teach us anything about public health crises. And don’t get me started on the South Koreans. Kimchi is a powerful anti-viral agent. Even knows that already. It’s a pity they point blank refuse to export it. As to Taiwan? Well, no one lives there. The entire place is a mirage built by the Chinese to justify an aggressive military posture in the Pacific. And Australia? Ha! Rubbing cricket balls with sandpaper does not an epidemiology policy make!”

How about we compare the UK to the USA?

“Why would we do that?”

Because they’re both run by fucking idiots.

Survivor of volcano explosion says other cities looked at “Pompeii’s apparent success”

FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.

“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.

For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.

“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”

Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.

“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”

We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.

“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”

But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?

“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”

Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?

“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”

This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?


So what’s next?

“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”

Who is that?

“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”

Man arrested in park after failing to observe social distancing with dragon

IGNORANCE IS NO DEFENCE : A TURKISH-SYRIAN ROMAN MAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED by local police today after flouting social distancing rules.

The man, described by a passersby as “swarthy and a bit foreign looking really” was however dressed in a “traditional British style” of plate mail, and carrying a shield bearing a red cross on a white background.

There are even rumours he featured in a recent BBC documentary “A Very British Way of Dressing”, which explains how something that is a fairly generic trait of all people and societies, is really actually just British.

“I was on my way to pick fruit with Nigel when I saw it,” the passersby told anyone who would listen.

“It was a bit of a shock,” one of the arresting officers told LCD Views, “we normally come here to tell people to go home. To see this man brazenly disregarding social distancing laws with an exotic animal? Well, you can imagine the crowd he was drawing. Public health nightmare. You’d only put on a spectacle like this if you were trying to achieve herd immunity with dragons. We warned the man in ancient Turkish, Syrian and Latin to Romanes eunt domus, but he just gave us a sweaty look. I repeated the order, he drew a sword, and that’s when we tasered him.”

The man has been named by police as Saint George and is thought to be the patron saint of half the countries on Earth.

“I suggest to this so called saint that the next time he wants to slay a dragon, he does it over Zoom,” the arresting officer added.

The BBC is reported to be on the verge of commissioning a special show “A Very British Way of Zooming”, and it is hoped (a reformed) George will feature in that.