European cartographers label large island off the French coast “Here be monsters”

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: World beating continental map makers have identified the existence of an island off the northwestern coast of France. Unfortunately, all attempts to visit the island or engage in communication have ended in failure.

There is clearly some kind of hostile life there. Vessels bearing friendly envoys have been sunk. Some kind of dialogue has been attempted, but the replies have been unintelligible.

“The language used by the islanders sounds like a particularly debased form of Anglo-Saxon,” declared languages expert Polly Glott. “It is as if the natives have removed all the verbs, nouns and grammar, and all that is left is a stream of extremely crude and bilious invective.”

In other words, a jumble of hateful swear words. Nevertheless the hand of friendship was extended.

“We sent a boat – not a big one, we didn’t want them to think we were invading – but they weren’t happy with it,” revealed European Friendship Minister Bon Homie. “We loaded it with delicacies such as ripe camembert, sauerkraut and garlic but were repelled by a group of humanoids with blunderbusses. They resembled fat, middle-aged men, with angry red faces. It was like being attacked by animated jambon.”

But there was more trouble afoot.

“The inhabitants all seemed to be suffering from a mystery ailment,” claimed medical advisor Di Agnosis. “They coughed continuously and their skin was loose and blotchy. And they smelled terrible. There must be some kind of endemic plague over there.”

In the end the island was mapped by satellite, although hostile satellites, bearing racist symbols and held together with gaffer tape, tried to knock it out of the way.

In the end, the Europeans gave up the attempt to welcome the islanders into a mutually beneficial alliance. Cartographers redrew the maps to show the island, but asked what name to assign to this terra incognita. Instead they were given a description.

Here be monsters.

Downing Street changes law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels

ACTS OF WAR : DOWNING STREET WILL STOP AT NOTHING THIS WEEK TO DISTRACT FROM ITS FAILURE TO…WELL, there’s a lot of failure too.

“Someone had to do something,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “historically we have a reputation of being, shall we say proactive? When it comes to other people’s countries? It seems some think that because of this we’d be happy to be invaded ourselves. INVADED I TELL YOU. BY POOR PEOPLE. They get in these boats and they risk their lives to reach our shores. It’s terrifying. What if they all make it? “

And of course the wealth of the individuals attempting to reach the UK is the main problem.

“If they were rich they could just fly in, from pretty much anywhere, and start donating money to Tory MPs. Give it a few years and they’d all be in the Lords. They just need to go about it in the proper manner. You don’t just turn up at someone’s house, whether you’re in desperate need of sanctuary and assistance or not.”

Still, given that Channel asylum seekers seem stubbornly determined to remain humans desperate for a better life, the government has decided to act and put a stop to that.

“Priti Patel is exceptionally happy,” the source said, “we’ve decided to change the law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels. All rubber dinghies. Get in one anywhere in the UK now and you’re committing an act of war. Someone in a uniform will be ordered to drop by and blow you out of the water. Thames or Channel. It doesn’t matter. It’s going to cause mayhem for beachgoers. Which is just the way we like it.”

Global Britain to pour water into the English Channel creating a slope so migrant boats slide downhill to France

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE: Send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel has found the perfect solution to the supposed migrant crisis. By piling up water on the English side of the Channel, she will force invading vessels to slide back downhill to France.

Patel despatched her best lieutenants to make the arrangements. LCD Views has seen the minutes of the planning meeting, and has reconstructed events.

“I’m in charge, now show me where the water is on the map!” demanded Dominic Raab.

“It’s there, all the blue stuff,” replied Chris Grayling. “It’s everywhere!”

“Ahem, that’s where Mr Grayling has been crayoning on the map,” remarked the incredulous civil servant appointed to do the necessary paperwork.

Several hours later, a clean map had been pinned to the wall, the right way up. “Excellent!” remarked Raab. “Now the water will all flow down to the Channel at the bottom!” The civil servant facepalmed, not for the first time.

“So the water hasn’t flowed away because there are hollows in the land? And that’s what lakes are?” asked Grayling tentatively.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s called the Lake District,” confirmed the civil servant wearily.

“Will it matter if we drain them?”

“No, it’s in The North.”

“Look! There’s lots more water over there!” said Raab, pointing at Wales.

“Yes, we’ll take all the water from the Welsh lakes. The Welsh are so thick they will never cotton on. They didn’t notice when we drowned all those villages to make reservoirs, the bloody fools. Cofiwch Dryweryn?”

“You what?” asked Raab.

“Never mind, let’s get it done,” said the frustrated civil servant.

The project was given an unexpected boost when Liz Truss revealed that she has an advisor who can supply all the water you want from a factory in China.

The new slope in the Channel has another hidden benefit. The UK is set to be world beating at water skiing.

Entire British establishment toppled by a few desperate blokes in a dinghy

HOUSE OF CARDS: The entire structure of British life has collapsed like a line of dominoes. The catalyst for this cataclysm is the arrival off the Kent coast of a small number of refugees in an inflatable boat.

The men, who were half starved and penniless, threw themselves upon the munificent mercy of the British establishment. Within hours the entire facade of respectability had collapsed, and the triumphant migrants were sitting pretty in a four star hotel in Bromsgrove.

How could this happen? How did a few blokes in a dinghy achieve what nobody else could? The reason is simple: the noisy self publicist and former shock jock Nigel Farage.

“IT’S AN INVASION!!!?;!?” yelled Farage from the safety of his Chelsea Tractor, as the men came ashore. The invasion, which in truth rather resembled a crap family day out by the sea in bad weather, wearily pulled their massive six seater inflatable up onto the grey shingle. “SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! WHERE ARE THE PRESS?????? WHERE ARE THE POLITICIANS?????? WE ARE BEING OVERRUN!!!!!!?!+!??”-!”

In the blink of an eye, the scene changed. Seemingly by magic, Farage and the very same migrants had arrived in a smart hotel in the West Midlands, and there was no room at the inn.

“I WANT A ROOM! I! WANT! A! ROOM!” screamed Farage at the bewildered hotel staff. “Sorry,” the manager explained, “but the last time we refused a room to migrants, they gave birth to the Messiah, and we ended up in deep shit for turning them away. It’s been company policy for 2,000 years to prioritise migrants of Middle Eastern origin, just in case we witness the Second Coming.”

“Right, my mates are going to hear about this!” threatened Farage, almost comically.

“Run the fucking article, if only to get that obnoxious gobshite off our backs,” sighed the senior news editor at the BBC, putting down the phone as Farage continued to rant and rave on the other end.

It was the same story at all the major newspapers. Three men in a boat was big news and a security threat, and not just a whimsical Victorian novel.

In Westminster, send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel was so spooked by the news that she panicked. “Our national security is under threat!” she announced. “Run away! Run away! Panic stations! They are coming!”

Boris Johnson was already safe and out of harm’s way, but pulled the fridge door just a little tighter to be certain.

Unconfirmed rumours are coming in from people claiming to have seen Dominic Cummings taking his child to the toilet at Wetherby services. “Security at risk? What has that nincompoop Grayling done this time?” he muttered according to the witnesses. Cummings later denied this in a blog post dated April 1 2019.

The Royal Family immediately upped sticks and rushed to Balmoral. “One hopes to stay in Scotland until the fuss dies down,” said a source close to the Queen. “Then one can be European again. One is quite prepared for a diminished role in a republican EU, and it will be one in the eye for the fucking twats in Ingerlund.”

Nature abhors a moral vacuum. Surely three enterprising men in an inflatable dinghy couldn’t do any worse than the current bunch.

UK requests EU control UK’s external borders as “after Brexit we will be too busy controlling our internal ones”

WHAT’S A BOARDER BETWEEN FRIENDS : The UK government has set France straight on its international obligations today, as handfuls of humans continue to INVADE the U.K.

“They have the experience,” a Home Office official shrugged, “Continental Europe controls thousands and thousands of displaced people each year. We don’t have the experience because we’re focused on the supply side of the issue. On the bombs. On servicing the financial services needs of the kleptocracies. Everyone has their part to play. We do ours. They need to do theirs.”

What France will think of the demand isn’t yet clear, with some suggesting Downing Street might have to dig a little deeper into why there’s now a famous Gallic shrug on the matter?

“It’s obvious. They’re jealous because we won the war,” the aide commented, “Agincourt. They’ve never gotten over it. They mention it constantly. Mind you, if I was embarrassed by half a dozen guys with sling shots on my home turf I’d have trouble letting it go too. Perhaps we should extend an olive branch? Tell them it’s time to stop obsessing over past conflicts and focus on the here and now? Terribly sentimental types. Overwhelmed with nostalgia. Not at all like our forward looking, internationalist regime.”

And of course the elephant in the room must be Brexit.

“More envy. We’ve taken back control as a sovereign state. They don’t like that. They simply have to patrol the English Channel for us now. We’re going to be too busy patrolling the land border with Kent to stop bored truckers dogging in England’s garden.”

Perhaps we could pay the French to do it for us? After the Dublin Agreement expires at the end of 2020?

“Not a bad plan. £350m per week will probably do it. It’ll be brokered by a mate of Dom’s.”

Wasting £250m on useless PPE is good value for Britain, says Michael Gove

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR CHICKS FOR FREE: That’s the way you do it. Handout means handout, remarked Michael Gove gnomically, as the garden gnome of international politics defended Government spending.

“Let me be absolutely clear about this,” he continued, before spinning a web of nonsense so cunning you almost have to admire it. “We are supporting and encouraging small businesses on the world stage. Mistakes may be made, through inexperience or overconfidence, and we, the British public, would do well to forgive this!”

All we can see is snouts in the trough, your buddies helping themselves to our hard earned cash, suggested LCD Views’ Gravy Train correspondent.

“No, no, no, not at all,” replied Gove, surreptitiously removing flecks of white powder from beneath his left nostril. “This is an investment in the future of Global Britain! I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the directors of the companies to which you refer happen to know Dominic Cummings. It is a fact, though, that highly successful people tend to move in the same circles.”

Gove gazed at our correspondent through the lens of his webcam, with that look of bland innocence that only years of experience and an overindulgence of Botox can produce.

How can buying useless untested items from an unreliable supplier at premium prices using one of Cummings’ mates be regarded as ‘good value’?

“It will cement relationships with countries with whom we wish to strike exciting trade deals,” said Gove. “Especially Columbia. Their products are world beating!”

But you have actually bought coverings from China, not cocaine from Columbia!

“That was the plan,” admitted Gove. “But unfortunately Chris Grayling got involved with it. And now we are stuck with warehouses full of masks and gowns that we can’t even give away, and I’m going to have to spaff even more taxpayers’ money up my nose for my stockpile of, erm, pick me ups.”

Sniff, sniff. Not a dry nose in the house.

Royal Navy ordered to paint a rubber dinghy on bows of destroyers for each refugee boat they sink

IT’S LIKE 1066 ALL OVER AGAIN : THANKS TO THE TIRELESS EFFORTS of N. Fuhrage all Global Britons are now aware of the invasion occurring on the coast at Kent.

“If he wasn’t down there with his smart phone filming them no one would know it was happening,” an aide at the Home Office told LCD Views, “can you imagine that? Not knowing that half a dozen exhausted war refugees had managed to complete a journey of months or years to get to Britain? How would you feel not knowing that British munitions weren’t falling on their heads in the English Channel? Devastated I wager. At least that’s how the mad and vicious bastards currently ruining the UK want you to feel.”

But to take care of this, and so everyone can feel alright, none other than Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten involved.

“It’s in the hope that Fuhrage will stop Whatsapping her videos and just get back to sending her policy suggestions regarding immigration,” the aide explained.

So what’s she going to do about it? Something must be done. Scenes like this haven’t occurred since the Norman Invasion of 1066. And we all know how that worked out!

“She’s ordered the Royal Navy to get into the Channel and sort it out,” the aide beamed, “we won’t be being invaded by humans for much longer. And for every rubber dinghy they sink they can paint a picture on the bows of a destroyer. Keep morale up as they win the latest Battle of Britain.”

Stirring stuff. It’s good to know Priti is defending our borders.

“Except for Coronavirus.”

Except for that.

“It is one of the drawbacks of being Global Britain,” the aide added, “people can find us on maps and come here. I suspect, going forward, we will have to remake maps to remove the UK from them. We’ve thought of everything.”

*International analysts suggest the need to remove the UK from maps will take care of itself. A natural consequence of Brexit.

Downing Street ready to deny existence of Kent in event of No Deal Brexit

OPERATION BLIND PRAT : THERE HAS BEEN MUCH IN THE NEWS recently about preparations for Global Britain’s trading future, once the mighty lion of global trade is free of the failing EU.

“Most of the media attention has been focused on what happens to Kent,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is odd. It’s not exactly a preoccupation in Downing Street. We got Brexit done. Did no one tell Kent? Should we send a runner down?”

But focus on Kent the powers that be now have to as they fulfil the democratic decision of the British people to destroy Kent.

“First off we’re going to wall it off,” the source shrugged, “presumably they grow their own food down there? They’ll be alright. They can always turn to cannibalism. Once we’ve walled it off with those lorry passes we move onto the next stage. Operation Brock [misspelling – should be Operation Broke]. Jam the roads up so the peasants can’t march on London and revolt. It really will be very simple.”

And then what?

“Oh, once Kent is a lorry carpark full of screaming Brexiters who didn’t know what they were voting for, then we move onto the next stage. We deny its existence. We’ve never heard of it. Next subject please.”

But won’t people notice that Kent is missing? Won’t they be concerned by the disappearance of Kent?

“Nigel Farage was allowed to reign as the King of Thanet for years,” the source said, with another shrug, “If we gave even half a shit about Kent we would have put a stop to it. Besides, Dom has a mate who prints geography books. Denying the existence of Kent will be a real moneymaker [for Dom’s mate]. We’ve thought of everything [they have?].”

Mark Francois to go on secret mission to Spain to beat Germans to sun loungers

BUNGLING BOUNCING BOMB : Mighty Global Britain’s mightiest little potatriot, and bafflingly a member of parliament, Mark Francois, has been selected by Downing Street to go on a secret mission to the Costa del Sol.

“It’s part of a many pronged strategy to show the EU we mean business,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re not content to just gaslight the Spanish over Covid-19, as part of putting them off balance before we talk about Gibraltar, we need to get the Germans where it hurts tool. Throw them off balance. Strike terror into their hearts. We need to ensure Merkel caves at the last moment of negotiations and the German automotive sector drive to our rescue.”

To this end little Mark has been selected to go on a secret mission to Spain.

“He won’t have to quarantine when he gets back because we will have changed the rules again by then,” the source continues, “we have to keep everyone off balance. Our own citizens. The WHO. Helen Whately. And especially German tourists.”

What exactly little Mark will do to achieve all this isn’t clear.

“It is. We’ve planned it all. We’re geniuses. He’s going to use his famous ability for European accents to maintain complete surprise. At the same time he will stay up all night, while undercover, singing the national anthem quietly. He must be rigid in the morning and he must be ready to go.”

Go where?

“To the sun loungers of course. Each day he’s going to get to the pool at dawn and place a Union Jack beach towel on a different sun lounger. Just imagine the despair when the Germans see we’ve outplayed them at their own game. They’ll give us what we want in the trade negotiations just to make it stop.”

Junker in his bunker won’t know what hit him. Stay alert potatriots and get ready to seize the sun loungers. Your country is depending on it.

“It’s not me, it’s you” – Government Defends Spain Quarantine Measures

The newest quarantine policy was announced so late on Saturday that the government had to bring in Charlie Lines, an aid frequently used during late night sittings, which explains more than a thing or two.

Subsequently, a spokesman issued a statement outside No 10 this morning.

“The government denies short-termism and insists the new measures, whatever they are, are fully in line with long term policy. The measures will also be extended to include the whole of Europe and run until December the 31st.”

The new measures have nothing to do with trade negotiations with the EU. Let us be clear.

Asked why the PM was not making the announcement, he offered a completely feasible explanation.

“The PM is an old friend of Charlie Lines and had spent most of the night talking in the upstairs flat. He will make a statement when he comes down later today. If you’re lucky he will have made a visual representation of the new policy out of empty wine crates.”

Asked why the year end date had been chosen, he was absolutely believable.

“After the Brexit extension period ends restrictions will not be needed, as there will be no air travel to Europe anyway. We really have thought of everything.”

He went on to say, “People need to realise how serious we are about anymore of British taxpayer’s money going to the EU. That money is needed at home. We have to look after ourselves first.”

Pressed on whether this was the end of European holidays for Brits he replied, “Of course not, we are planning massive extensions at Manchester and Belfast airports. Travellers will fly to Belfast, get the train to Dublin, from where they are able to fly to anywhere in the world. It’s all part of our Northern Powerhouse agenda and may also get the DUP back on side, in time for the next election”.

We contacted the transport secretary, Grant Shapps, who denied being affected by the measures, as he was in Spain to access childcare while taking an eye test.

He further explained, “I was contacted by the PM late on Friday and informed that Helen Whateley had been moved from Health to the Department of Transport. He also told me she had to accompany me on my annual visit to the Sotogrande Yacht Show. This is huge and lasts for six months, the measures will have eased by the time we get back. And if they haven’t, we will use the parliamentary instrument called ‘Dom’s Defence’.”

LCD View’s understands, that following a recent TV interview, the Prime Minister wanted to broaden Helen’s horizons by having her travel more and was pleased to be getting her out of the country so soon.

“He had to move her from Health,” a source added, “a 12-month stint investigating herd immunity on The Serengeti will benefit her, and the entire country. Any rumours that it will have to be cancelled as she can’t get her injections in time should be discounted. We are hiding the right ministers at the right time.”

Asked what Global Britons should say to Spanish people in particular at the moment, if they bring up the new quarantine measures in the context of relative CV-19 mortality rates, the spokesman advised,

“Say it’s not me, it’s you. Then leg it. Works for Boris every time.”