Category: Global Britain

NATURAL PROGRESSION : SHOUTS OF BETRAYAL and puce coloured faces in the shadowy halls of the ERG today after one high wizard saw through Boris Johnson’s Brexit Deal offer to the EU.

“FIFTH COLUMNIST SABOTAGE TRAITOR TREASONOUS BETRAYAL!” Corporal Mark Francois, ERG Catering Corp (p/t), was heard to shout as Jacob Rees-mogg allegedly revealed the result of a long term study of Johnson’s wheeze.

The reason for the all caps, all angry word sentence-salad wasn’t just standard ERG dialect.

A long term projection of Boris Johnson’s offer to the TYRANTS across the INGLISH CHANNEL showed an incredibly high chance of a broken and desperate UK attempting to rejoin the EU, in a hard Remain stance, within five to ten years time.

“The Blitz spirit will only carry us so far,” an analyst of UK-EU negotiations revealed, “especially as this blitz is entirely voluntary. It’s not like a fried chicken shortage that the average man and woman couldn’t have foreseen and took in their patriotic stride.”

Quite.

“Withdrawing from the EU under Johnson’s ludicrous conditions will see a spontaneous combustion of the country so rapid we’ll be hoping the door out was a revolving one.”

Oh.

“Of course it’s fair to say that goes for any withdrawal from the EU because it’s a nostalgia driven project, based on a misremembered past that doesn’t recognise the UK’s relative power in a world rapidly cementing into regional power blocs.”

Don’t say it. We’re Global Britain.

“But, as you were. Go ahead. Throw the country into the wood chipper of international relations. I’m sentimentally attached to the pound, but I can handle using Euros if it means my kids eat.”

Quite what the ERG will do to head off the inevitable 180 isn’t clear, as they only plan ahead one day at a time. Longer term planning is purely looking backwards and imagining themselves as an English Prince Albert.

“Now let’s talk about the shameful disregard of the GFA.”

No. We will not. We’re solely thinking about what English nationalists want. Thank you very much. That’s Brexit. Longer term it will be the badge we wear, embroidered with how we treated our allies and friends today.

“Whether or not Michel Barnier will conduct the negotiations when the UK rejoins the EU is the only aspect that isn’t clear.”

THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED DOVER : DOMINIC ‘PULSATING VEIN’ RAAB was said to be under sedation and expected to recover partially after experiencing a severe bout of momentary consciousness.

The freakish and unexpected attack happened when the Foreign Secretary was addressing a largely comatose audience at the Brexit Party’s conference, currently happening in Manchester.

“I don’t know what Manchester did to deserve this either,” Raab joshed with the audience, many there with translators, “for years Westminster politicians have conned and crapped on the north of the country, and now, thanks to a data mining, criminal cartel we’ve been able to hoodwink just enough into feeling empowered by pushing a total self destruct button. It’s bloody good fun, populist politics. Take back control by doing exactly what we want you to do.”

Raab paused momentarily to dab the sweat off his vein with a Union Jack handkerchief. Next he rung out the drenched square of fabric. Then he went on.

“By conning enough people all over England, the southeast too, to vote for Brexit, we’re going to fix that sense of justified grievance with the biggest dump on them imaginable. It’s quite the lark. What are we going to fix? Absolutely nothing! Where are we going to take the investment? Away to a tax haven! What can the EU do to alleviate it with its regional investment funds? Nothing until the younger generations have forced us to rejoin it.”

He paused again, seemingly scouting the middle distance to see how his oratory was going down. Judging by some of the snores and startled half awakenings, it was going better than he expected.

“But now, now, now,” he began again, before pausing for emphasis. This was serious Raab now. Deadly Raab. Laser guided Raab.

“Now the EU is laughing at us, quietly, behind their hands. They don’t have the courage to openly scoff in our faces like a British man. No. They said they’re fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats to negotiate Brexit? Well, guess what, the British people are fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats too. So take that EU! We see you. Do you know how much my vein pulsates when I stare in the mirror in the morning? The bile in my throat? You just wait until we crash out and you’ve got a giant dumpster fire on your doorstep. We’ll see who’s laughing then.”

At which point someone in the audience pointed out that the dumpster fire would actually be across a sea. It was a question of fully appreciating geography.

And that’s when the sedation began.

NARROW CHURCH PARTY : The Conservative Party has found a viable way out of the knots they’ve tied themselves in over immigration by passing a motion at their Manchester conference regarding the UK’s population.

Speaking before a sparsely populated audience of people who thought they were attending a Brexit Party rally, James Cleverly made the announcement.

“We’ve had a talk and we are all agreed,” he told the audience, hands spread wide, “we have succeeded in reducing immigration and turning it into mass emigration. We’ve been so successful with our target the population of the UK is now only 17.4m! And that’s the only votes that count!”

The announcement woke a few people up and seemed to cheer many, especially as most had formed their views on social policy back when the population of the country was only 17.4m.

But suspicions are already circulating on social media that Cleverly, while clearly exceptionally clever when compared to a shrub, may not have been telling the complete truth.

“It’s because the Tory Party only counts the 17.4m who were conned into voting for Brexit,” our analyst advises, “so the rest don’t count. It’s their long term electoral survival plan. It’s not dumb. Even though over a million of the 17.4m have since passed away. So the actual population of the UK is now about 16m. It’ll do wonders for first time buyers and GP queues.”

Suggestions that they should do the count again, due to fluctuations in the population, were dismissed because that wouldn’t be democracy. In a democracy you decide something once and fix it forever, or scary things happen, like women get to vote.

“And what’s better,” Mr Cleverly added, “now we’ve solved the problem with immigration and driven everyone away, we can get on with building a hospital for every single remaining resident.”

More promises will follow throughout the day and they will also be complete and utter horseshit.

BLONDES AWAY : Liz Truss was under no pressure at all to explain the sale today, without licence, of temporary prime minister Boris Johnson to Saudi Arabia.

According to sources within the Department for International Trade the mix-up happened in the way numerous ones regarding the sale of dangerous items have under the current Secretary for International Trade.

“Some gruff chap from the Gulf phoned up and asked for a weapon,” a source working close to the hapless Truss reveals, “and when he said make it the biggest weapon your country has, Ms Truss automatically believed the unarmed Sheik meant the Prime Minister. This was confirmed when he said, I want something to destroy a county, just level it, I want a Bullingdon Brat.”

It’s not clear exactly how much the gulf state paid for Mr Johnson, but it’s presumably thought worth the cost.

“Mr Johnson used to be just a weapon of mass distraction, but these days he’s been redeveloped into weapon of mass destruction. Just look at the rapid decent into chaos and danger under his brief tenure in 10 Downing Street. The Saudis will be very happy once they deploy him. Just so long as they read the instruction manual and don’t let him speak before they drop him on Yemen.”

Critics have pointed out though that the sale of Mr Johnson, already believed to have been bought and sold by numerous interests, allows him to wriggle out of his commitment to take the UK out of the EU by the 31st of October.

“No one is really bothered about that, not if they’ve been paying attention. Now we can get on with a GNU and picking up the pieces of our representative democracy while there are still pieces to pick up.”

The Palace was asked for comment on the sale of Mr Johnson, but a source would only say it was the Royal family themselves who suggested the export of the Bullingdon Brat in the first place.

THE TYRANNY OF TWO LEFT FEET : Boris Johnson has put yet another reason for leaving the EU into the wheelbarrow of nonsense (already overflowing) today, by talking about socks.

“You know what’s it like,” he implored, during a rooftop interview, somewhere in NYC, “you need to get out of the house in a jiffy, before some posh, blonde bit of fun’s old man catches you, and you get delayed by your socks.”

It wasn’t like this before we joined the EU.

“And you’re sat there, on the edge of the bed, panting, hearing the front door open and you don’t know how the blazes you’ll climb out of the window in time if you can’t tell your left from your right sock. And you can’t bally well go out in bare feet. You would look a right slob as you stand on the corner down the street, behind that lamp post you picked out earlier, waiting for the Uber.”

Socks presumably shoved in a pocket? No good in the winter. It wasn’t like this before we joined the EU!

“People need a way to speed the process up. They need to know which sock is which! European red tape currently stops patriotic British sock makers from printing ‘L’ on the left sock [Here he turns to an aide off screen and enquires if it’s definitely an ‘L’ on the left sock? Confirmation received, he continues.] and a ‘R’ on the right. Once we leave the EU we will automatically have that right again!”

[Pause for applause]

“I say to the people of Britain, the day is coming! The day when you will no longer be confused by your socks! So long as you can read.”

About the best reason to leave the EU that he’s given so far. Let’s do it!

CLEARED FOR LANDING : THE GOVERNMENT is on both front left feet today over the collapse of the UK’s oldest travel business, issuing boarding passes to moral deniability, to make sure the collapse of Thomas Cook is nothing to do with Boris “f*ck business” Johnson.

“It’s all to do with moral hazard,” a Downing Street spokeschurn said, “it wasn’t a moral hazard to bail out the banking sector after years of financial crimes almost destroyed it, it would be a moral hazard to bail out a travel firm after the devaluation of Sterling crashed it into the ground. Even though in a curious chain of events the collapsing currency is a result of the political project that leveraged the taxpayer rage of the banking bail out.”

It’s certainly not a moral hazard to have politicians responsible for currency fluctuations, and thus asset devaluation, bankrolled by currency speculators and disaster capitalists. No. Noooo. No.

“It’s also not a moral hazard to move your current mistress into Downing Street after leaving your wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment,” the spokesilly added, “it is also not a moral hazard to spaff countless billions up the wall of Brexit, but nothing to ensure 22,000 people keep a job.”

Boy, it’s good that Boris said it would be a moral hazard to bail out Thomas Cook. It gives us a focus.

“But the real reason that Thomas Cook failed is because its directors didn’t believe hard enough. If they’d just believed really hard in powered flight than the planes would still be in the air and not, as they are, grounded.”

Global Britain, navigating its way through the 21st century, with a moral hazard at the helm. Let’s make a success of it.

BARCLAY GOES BARSARKLY : Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay has the Spanish right where he wants them after a feat of brinkmanship just right for dealing with close allies.

“At first many thought May had only appointed Barclay Brexit Secretary because a mirror fogged in front of his mouth,” an aide to the DExEU tour de force told LCD Views, “Well, they were right. But happily he’s grown into the role.”

It took time for Barclay to fill the shoes David Davis left for Dominic Raab to slide into, but it seems he now has the tips of his toes pressed against the leather.

“To go to Spain, right when the UK is desperate to win hearts and minds amongst EU leaders, and to threaten the Spanish directly? That’s some patatas bravas right there.”

The threats mostly centred on blowback to the Spanish economy if they don’t agree to scrap both the Irish and the Gilbraltargan backstops.

“If the UK crashes out of the EU it will decimate the hen and stag night industry on the Costa del Sol,” the aide continued, “not to mention the cervesa sector. But Barclay is prepared to go even further.”

And further appears to be threatening to strip to the waist and stand on The Rock and start throwing monkeys at Spain.

“Just see him now, biceps pulsating, lifting macaque after macaque and flinging them towards the Spanish mainland. The place will grind to a halt. That’s British power on show right there.”

LCD Views sought comment from a representative of the Spanish government. What was their reaction to Barclay’s aggressive shirtfront?

“No podríamos dar un mono,” a government spokesman said.

DExEU are currently looking to translate. But we’re pretty certain, once someone works out what they said, that Barclay is now operating at the level set by his predecessors as Brexit Secretary.

DOUBLE TROUBLE : The Hone Office is taking a bold step to prepare for Brexit by announcing the immediate detention of all doppelgängers.

“It’s well known that the EU has been attempting to undermine the will of the British people by planting doubles in our society,” Mr Pratt, Tory MP for Big-on-Pratts, told LCD Views, “it’s even thought some of the body doubles inserted over the years into the UK are the reason the EU has not yet realised that we hold all the cards. Well, we’re going to put a stop to all that.”

The initiative, part of the overall drive to eventually deport everyone from the UK, so as to start all over again with cultural purity, will be a welcome relief to many patriots.

“Once the doppelgängers are removed and returned, unharmed, to their country of origin, proper British people will not be plagued by the accusations they’ve been spotted doing unpatriotic things. This will reassure everyone that we are going to make a success of Brexit, not only in global trade, but culturally. Purity is important.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that twins may fall foul of the round up and end up detained and removed unjustly.

“We expect there will be an acceptable small error rate. Twins will be able to apply to return, just so long as they don’t pick up any suspicious inflections in their accents while abroad. It’s all perfectly straightforward.”

And members of the general public are encouraged to get involved.

“We will be releasing a free phone number for you to call if you see someone that looks a little bit, or a lot, like you. We will have them removed. But just be careful to call first, before they do.”

Brexit, it’s not a flawed idea turning our society slowly into a fascist playground, it’s a success.

MAKING A SUCCESS OF HIDE AND SEEK, AND BREXIT : Global Britons have renewed cause to puff out their chests and sing an ode to joy today. The reason being the news rubbish Churchill impressionist, and prolific social media video performer, Boris Johnson, has rewritten one of Winston Churchill’s famous speeches.

“It’s more of an update than a total revamp,” a desperate Downing Street mouthpiece said, “a total rewrite would be too much like hard work for Boris. But I think the impact of the update will be as searing emotionally as the original, dated speech.”

While the new, better text, won’t be fully revealed until Mr Johnson reads it out live on social media channels, we have been leaked excerpts and can reveal the most significant modification.

“As you can see by using the most up to date technology it was very easy for the prime minister to find the word ‘fight’ and replace it with a better word, ‘hide’. Now everyone can be proud of Brexit again.”

But critics of the move have said it would have been better to have left the original text intact and recorded Mr Johnson singing the English national anthem, “Two World Wars and One World Cup”, and then used new digital technology to have Winston Churchill singing the anthem to the House of Commons, but with Boris Johnson’s voice. Which makes sense, as there is ample black and white footage extant with which to make the deep fake.

But critics of the critics hit back at the suggestion, commenting that as Mr “Hulk” Johnson is already a deep fake, on his own terms, that it would just be overkill on the fakery front.

LCD Views would like to commend the prime minister for his wisdom, agility and courage, as exemplified by his winning of yesterday’s hide ‘n seek contest in Luxembourg.

“We shall hide on the beaches. We shall hide on the landing grounds. We shall hide from the press conferences, and from a few dozen angry British folk. We shall never surrender our hiding place…”

CHICKEN RUN : Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks? Well, Boris Johnson, that old dog, he can.

And it’s a good thing too. For years now anyone even half conscious in the United Kingdom has had to reflexively cringe when Boris Johnson speaks. Especially if he speaks to foreigners. But now he has found a strategy to spare even the softest snowflake’s blushes.

“He’s decided to hide, rather than risk being embarrassed,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we all know if his lips are moving he’s lying. And sometimes he can be a tiny bit intentionally racist. Well, if he hides none of that is a problem. It’s genius.”

And it’s a well timed stroke of genius. There were plenty of protestors out and about today as the one man human whirlwind was let loose at Junker, and Xavier Bettel.

“We’re all really relieved,” a spokesman for the government of Luxembourg said, “we know Mr Johnson is famous for his temper. And the madder he gets the stronger he gets. It would have been terrible to watch him go all green and sweaty at the podium. The EU would probably have torn up the Irish backstop there and then, just to save themselves!”

But there was no fear of that, as Mr Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

“As soon as he realised he was going to be on film again, and broadcast news was going to carry footage of him waffling nonsense with protestors shouting ‘Stop the coup!’ in the background, again, he did go green. But it was green at the gills. Then he just vanished. Who knew the Hulk was also the Invisible Man. I guess it’s obvious. You never see them in the same room together.”

And here we all were thinking the Tory prime minister who started all this and ran away, David Cameron, was the Brave Sir Robin of British politics? And now we discover there are two brave, brave, brave Sir Robins.

When danger reared its ugly head they bravely turned their tails and fled. That doesn’t sound like the Hulk to me.