Poverty is wealth, newly created Secretary of State for Abundance to say

Jacob Rees-mogg MP is to tell an increasingly hungry nation today that, “Poverty is wealth” in his first major intervention as the newly created Secretary of State for Abundance.

”Home is where the heart is,” he is also expected to say, to allay concerns over the little pandemic of homelessness,

“people who are not prepared to open their doors and larders to those who have made a conscious decision to be less fortunate are not best positioned to harangue an overstretched public purse with pleas to assist the vocationally roofless.”

The speech will hopefully provide a welcome distraction from a government which is so busy accepting plaudits for its work over the last several years, that it’s having trouble communicating its deeply thought out policy agenda.

”U turn is straight ahead,” Jacob will continue from the steps of his modest one hundred room mansion, “1984 is 2018, but 2019 will still be 1984. Tax break is incentive. Rising cost of living is investment in your future.”

Other pearls are anticipated to be on display in a showcase of antique jewellery set beside the average working man.

A man who risen through his own hard work, while overcoming the numerous deprivations of his birth. Proving accident of birth is no barrier to advancement.

”Ladder is ceiling. Discord is unity. Famine is a meal for the spirit, and if you are wealthy with famine you have all the sustenance you need.”

He will also add that debt is equity and horses are for courses.

Enquiries as to what policy agenda he will set for his new ministry were met with an encouraging to do list.

”Once Jacob has freed the United Kingdom from the overweening shackles of the tyranny of parliamentary democracies across the Channel he will set to work on, Serfdom is freedom, to revise the labour market with fresh thinking.”

And finally, he will finish his debut speech today by reminding the country that “War is peace.”

Unidentifiable floating object in Thames revealed as “a” fudgeberg

The authorities in Westminster, London, are bracing themselves for a clean up job that may appear endless as another giant fudgeberg is emerging on the waters of the Thames.

“Here we go again,” a fed up London Port Authority worker told LCD, “the guys that have to go down into the sewers and clean out fatbergs, they don’t know how easy they have it! We had the mother of all fudgebergs before Christmas and now they’re saying son of fudgeberg has emerged!”

It appears the giant fudge, which has the potential to kill as readily as its mother, not only over the issue of the Irish border, is made up by a combination of the looming Brexit position speeches planned in the coming week by both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“If these politicians had to clean the giant floaters out of the Thames themselves, maybe they’d think twice before creating these bloody things? I’m supposed to be counting herons up stream at Richmond, but I’ve been drafted in and told to grab a spoon and a bucket,” the worker continued.

But how concerned should the general public be?

“Very! Don’t go near it. If you see a piece washed up on the foreshore at low tide, do not touch it. Don’t let your dog eat it. If your child accidentally ingests a piece you need to get their stomach pumped right away. Anyone who has actually digested Brexit fudge has become a drooling idiot who believes the BBC is still impartial on politics.”

But surely the experience the Port Authority has now in clearing fudgebergs should have lead to efficiencies in the clean up process by now?

“Do you want to get down here and pick up a spoon? It’s smelly work. It gets on your clothes and eats into the fabric. It’s just a nasty job.”

LCD Views would like to state how much we value and appreciate the work of the Port Authority men and women who are routinely called upon to clean up the results of the fudged thinking of leading politicians too cynical to tell the voting public exactly what they’re after.

“Oh, hang on. Apparently the meeting at Chequers last night birthed a giant Boris turd that has been flushed into the river too.

And now that McDonnell’s interview in The New European has been digested by the masses we’re expecting a bloody unicorn splashing about endangering shipping any minute. I’ve got to go.”

We will tell your children you love them. Stay strong. Our lives are in your hands and on your spoon.

Theresa May announces exclusive trade deal with Uranus

The first Big Brexit Benefit has been revealed. Our Glorious Leader, Theresa May, has announced that a potentially lucrative trade deal has been struck with Uranus.

Although details are naturally sketchy, this is a triumph for May and the Trade Secretary, Liam Fox. We will no doubt, in time, become better acquainted with the products of Uranus.

“Global Britain means Global Britain!” gushed Brexit advocate R. Slicker. “It’s one in the eye for the EU. This is out of this world!”

Slicker could not put flesh on the bones of the deal. “Early days, early days,” he chided. “I am not privy to the whole agreement. I assume that Uranus produces, well, Uranium I suppose. The nuclear summer is round the corner.”

Liam Fox was in celebratory mood. “This is, I believe, the first such interplanetary deal in the world!” he announced at a hastily-called press briefing. “It has the added benefit of enabling me to fly to Uranus to finesse the deals. I am thinking of re-naming air miles air parsecs!”

Fox did not reveal the cost of his space hops, but assured the faithful hacks that Britain would benefit in the long term. “I am also on the brink of securing trade rights with Pluto,” he revealed, before berating the International Astronomical Union for downgrading Pluto’s status to a ‘dwarf planet’. “It means that I can no longer fly business class to Pluto. Britain deserves better!”

EU representative Claude Feete was on hand to admit defeat. “I’ll tell Liam Fox where to stick it!” he exclaimed. “He can stick it up Uranus!”

Something lost in translation there, we suspect.

We tried to contact representatives from Uranus for comment. Unfortunately, neither the Pigs Of Uranus nor the Pink Fairies managed to make any kind of coherent sound.

This certainly isn’t a bad deal. It will be a roaring success, because as we all know, no deal is better than a bad deal.

Visionary explains post Brexit Britain won’t be entirely a cannibalism based diet

A man who hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing is to explain today that post Brexit Britain won’t be entirely a cannibalism based diet.

“It will be better to think of it as an aggressive hunter and gathering type society,” David Davis, Secretary of State for Exiting the EU, will reassure, “a traditional British lifestyle. Approximately 10,000 BC.”

This has raised the hopes of ancient animal fanciers that Brexit Britain will also mean a return of the mammoth?

“It’s possible,” Davis will assert, “why not? As I understand it Theresa May is in the process of setting up a year long review into bringing back the mammoth, in order to provide variety in the meat based diet post Brexit.”

It’s understand the motivation is not only to give people something to hunt, other than people, but,

“Hunting a large and dangerous woolly animal will show Britons working together in a way we haven’t done since we joined the EU in 1933. I understand PETA has got their knickers in a twist over plans to wear fur again, but there’s always extremists.”

It would also be a boon to tourism operators who are understood to be made nervous with the expected extinction of any air based travel methods to and from the UK in spring 2019.

Although there will still be food drops, so long as the transition agreement can agree on the wording with Barnier.

“This is just sensible planning on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government,” Davis will waffle on, “Although it’s important everyone able bodied does their bit. I advise you to not burn wood now.

You should save it for after Brexit. Sharpened stakes and cooking fires will light up the landscape. And scavenge whatever scrap steel you can now.

You never how prised it maybe once roaming hordes of hoodies are ravaging the landscape in search of an easy meal on a mobility scooter.”

David Davis reassures Brexit won’t be a Mad Max style dystopia, it’ll be like The Shining and the twins will be Theresa Mays

David Davis MP will reassure a collection of European business leaders and politicians in Vienna later today that Brexit won’t be a Mad Max style dystopia, it’ll be like The Shining and the twins will be Theresa Mays.

“He’s going to soothe the nervous flock,” One half of David Davis’ brain told LCD Views, while the other half wandered aimlessly, looking for a drink.

“Look, all these fears that we’re going to slash and burn rights and regulations in the service of greed, leading to a dystopia lifted from Mad Max are just plain wrong.

Firstly because we genuinely haven’t planned much other than just “action operation wrecking ball”.

But for those people who are nervous I want to reassure them by asking a question.”

Go on.

“Have you read ‘The Shining’ by Stephen King? Because it’s going to be much more like that after Brexit. Very personal. Not this crazed tearing about the desert business. We won’t be able to afford the fuel for that anyway.”

Whether or this will relax the mood in Vienna and bring the Austrians on side, we will have to wait and see.

Presumably the vision of David Davis as Jack Torrance, trapped in a high mountain resort closed for winter, slowly going insane as he just can’t get the final Brexit impact assessment written, while his family watches with increasing anxiety, and then terror, before attempting escape, will at least prove that Davis and other Brexiters have a clear vision of the future.

“And don’t let anyone tell you I’m not prepared for questions today. If anyone asks me who Theresa May is in my dream of the UK’s future, I will answer honestly.”

The twins are Theresa Mays, unable to escape the nightmare and now committed merely to terrifying everyone else.

Liam Fox travels the world on the cheap to make Britain global again

Liam Fox had been further than the moon flying in business class at taxpayer’s expense by April of 2017, heaven only knows how much he’s spent to make Britain global again. We thought it was time to send a correspondent along to see just how it goes when Doctor goes.

The phone rang. I let it ring… do I pick it up? it’s bound to be a PPI sales pitch, should I resist? I give in………

“Hi I P, it’s Trevor Bourne here, from the Department of International Trade, do you remember me?”

“Hi Trevor, yes, you helped me with that container import of blow-up dolls from China, and all that tariff and VAT quagmire I had to wade through. Shame the bloody things all had pinholes in them, I stood to make a financial killing. That’s the last time I import anything from China! Anyways, what can I do for you Trev?”

“Liam Fox is organising a trade mission to Kazakhstan and the DIT (supported by EU funding) have been tasked to find importers and exporters to accompany him on the trip. I can offer you a £1000 DIT grant to cover your costs and we can use it in Astana for a bit of entertainment, Just fill in the form asap and I can get you on the trip. We will fly out of the RAF base at Northolt.”

On the plane there was enough leg room for a giraffe and the champagne flowed.

“Liam’s been spending DIT money like confetti,” Trevor whispered to me, “it’s his own personal plane, given to him by Theresa, he’s going to put THE film on now, just go with it and please don’t ask any questions.”

Film! Excellent, I have been looking forward to seeing Black Panther.

But instead we had to sit through the resignation speeches of David Cameron and Nigel Farage both edited together, and when the credits rolled I could see Liam giggling in the front row.

An hour out of Astana Liam Fox, minister for International Trade, stood up (on a chair) before us.

“Right chaps this it, we are going in and we are going to win this trade deal, so help me God. TM, JRM, IDS, BJ, and MG are depending upon us to come back with something they can sell to the British right wing press….tally ho!”

We arrived at Astana airport and the full government greeting was laid on to welcome the British trade mission. The Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev (Naza to his friends) led Liam off to inspect the two rows of camels.

At the British Embassy we were all told what, or what not, to say, and for some reason I was asked to go with Liam to sit in on the negotiations.

“We have oil,” said Naza. “What do you have, Fantastic Mr Fox?”

“Well, we have Japanese cars made by British workers,” said Fox.

“We get them already from Japan,” replied Naza.

“Well, we have Barbour coats with leather elbow patches!”

“We have them already! They come from the rip off clothing factories in India!”

I could see Liam was getting desperate. Looking around something struck me that was missing.

“We have flowers!” I blurted out. “Yes, we have anemones, millions of them, with a beautiful scent, which would be perfect to decorate all your palaces.”

“Done!” said Naza. “Send me your anemones and we have the beginning of a trade deal.”

I thought Liam did a little skip, as he shook my hand.

On the journey home I asked Trevor how it was all going in the DIT?

He looked crestfallen.

“To be honest I P, it’s been a bloody nightmare. Before Brexit we knew exactly what things would cost because we had the book of EU tariffs and therefore could be concise about our global sales opportunities and markets.

Now, we have to make it up on the hoof as we have no idea what tariffs or duties to charge for anything, just promises allied to hope. It’s like we have gone from a strong flowing exporting river to a meandering stream, and Brexit is akin to one of those oxbow lakes, cut off from the mainstream.”

Upon landing back at Northolt, Liam jumped into the waiting government car and hot-tailed to No. 10.

“He’ll be off to tell Theresa the good news about the anemones,” said Trevor. “He’ll go in through the back door, there are quite a few government Brexit ministers metaphorically using Theresa’s back door recently.”

Getting what they can, while they can, before they all get out.

Daniel Hannan’s head and heart to be mined for the rock and stone needed to build new hard border

LCD Views can report on great new cost saving methods by the visionary Conservative administration in Westminster with the plan to mine D. Hannan’s head and heart for the rock and stone needed to construct the revitalised hard border between NI and the Republic of Ireland.

“He actually volunteered,” customs post designer (and Brexiter), E E Jit told LCD,

“he phoned Theresa May up personally and instead of giving her his usual hour long diatribe on how soft she is on the disabled, he made the offer, and then lectured her about building workhouses for the undeserving poor after.”

It’s encouraging news, as Brexit is expected to lead to little spare cash in the future.

“It’s very timely,” E E Jit continued, “right now I’m secretly drawing up the plans to just f*ck everyone in Northern Ireland and the Republic sideways and hope we can blame it on the EU for the intransigence regarding international law.”

It appears Owen Patterson, more famous for once exporting a lamb chop via sea mail is part of the design team.

“Owen is great. He’s coming up with nifty new ways to sell the concept of a return to paramilitary violence to the British public.

He’s suggested the GFA has outlived its usefulness, but I think he’s drawing too much on his own experience there. He needs a little distance.

That said, his plan to replace it with the Selfish Saturday Agreement has some legitimacy.”

But what about people who are concerned that Daniel may suffer if he gives too much of his heart? Just for customs officers to hang about in cute little huts until they get mortared?

“Hannan is medically unique.

He’s borderline sociopathic in personality, probably. Talk to anyone who’s had to deal with him and they will tell you the air gets very cold very fast.

But this means he really commits to humanitarian causes he cares about.

Such as destabilising the lives of millions of people on racial grounds, and all in the service of tax havens! He’s basically a reptile that survived the comet that wiped out the other giant lizards.”

Mining of Hannan’s heart is already underway and the hot mantle inside his chest is expected to produce as much stone, via violent emotive eruptions, as is needed.

“Combine the rocks in his head with the ones rattling about old Owen’s empathy free walking corpse and I’d say you’ve just the right amount of material needed to piss away decades of progress.”

Which will be nice.

Interested parties are advised it’s possible to sponsor a ‘Hannan Brick’, but only if you’ve prepared to vomit bile all over the GFA.

As a side note, someone please locate our official opposition party to oppose Brexit before our pubs start blowing up again, anytime soon would be nice.

Jacob everyman’s guide to living within your means on cheap food, cheap clothing and cheap footwear

We have all heard Jacob and his daily chant in TV interviews of cheap food, clothing and footwear for Britain post brexit. So we decided to send I P Standing over to meet Jacob at his favourite Westminster tea room for more detail.

He managed to grab 10mins with the Moggster  over an earl grey, before Jacob had to get all powdered up for his next exclusive and filed the following report.

“Jacob”, I asked, “where do you buy your food? ”

“I get a hamper from Harrods delivered once a week. Great big basket filled with items bearing the Queens crest. If it’s good enough for her majesty it’s good enough for me. Any family who manages their budget can easily do the same.”

A frown did crease his brow momentarily.

“Although I have noticed a marked increase in price recently. I called El Fayad to ask why. He told me that he had to import the baskets from India and since the referendum and the fall in the pound, the cost has rocketed. He assured me the contents were legit and he hadn’t been fiddling with the labels.

I save all the labels for reuse when marking my staff, before I let them in the field for exercise.”

I next asked Jacob had he ever heard of Asda, Aldi or better still, Lidl?

” No,” he replied, “although my wife has shopped once in Waitrose. Like being in a cattle market she said to me… never again! ”

I said, “Asda, Aldi and Lidl offer some of the cheapest food in Europe!”

“They sound foreign, I don’t do foreign,” replied Jacob, “well, unless it’s an emerging market with a sensible approach to rule of law.”

Fair enuff.

“Clothing what about clothing? ”

“I get my suits from Saville row. I have one for every day of the week and I have my name tag sewn into the collar, JRM.

It reminds me of school and the fun we used to have in the dormitories. When the other boys would hide my silk satin jim jams.”

“Jim jams?” I asked.

“Pyjamas, the boys, Cameron and Johnson used hide them behind the gin and tonic vending machine. But I’d always find them because they had my name tag sewn in them. Well, my man would find them. But that’s the same thing.”

“Shirts what about shirts?” I asked.

“Shirts from my tailor, usually with a thin pin stripe….. although at weekends at home I wear one of those photocopier salesman ones. You know, blue with a thin white pin stripe and a white collar and white cuffs. It makes me feel………. dangerous.”

And ties?

“I like to wear a military style, something with a pretend insignia or coloured regimental stripe. I like to keep in tight with the military, you never know when I might need them post brexit. Always be prepared, that’s my family motto, always be prepared to order low born chaps to lay down their lives.”

“Jacob, have you ever heard of Matalan, H&M or better still Primark?” I asked, “You can buy trousers in there for a tenner and a couple of shirts for less than that. They have some of the cheapest clothes in Europe.”

“Matalan, H&M and Primark sounds like a group of invading vikings,” said Jacob. He looked a bit flushed.

“Well what about footwear, where do you buy your shoes?”

“I have a cobbler in Cheltenham he makes superb handmade brogues. Although he recently said he would have to increase his price as the leather is imported from Spain, and due to the weak pound he couldn’t hold his prices down. He also asked if I would settle my previous invoice? All in good time my man, all in good time.”

“Is there a good time to buy shoes?” I asked, thinking shoes maybe an emerging market.

“I always go when the Cheltenham national hunt festival is on. I like to be surrounded by all those Irish priests betting the sum of their annual church collections on the horses.

I like to be around like minded Catholics. Over the winnings we sup a Guinness and revel about anti abortion, anti gay and anti contraception. I feel so at home with them in that week in March.”

“Have you ever heard of Clarkes?

“No, what’s a clark?” replied Jacob.

“They are in Street, Somerset I think they are in your parliamentary constituency, they make shoes.”

“Shoes you say?”

“Yes shoes at very reasonable prices, all styles, you can even get brogues with a rubber sole.”

“I’m not wearing rubber soled shoes, dear boy, who do you think I am, Ian Duncan Smith? Creeping around the corridors of Westminster?

I only wear leather soles so people can hear me coming as I stride over the stone floors of Westminster.”

“Well thank you Jacob for sparing the time,” I said, touching the forelock and seeing in the buff shine of his shoes the future of Brexit Britain.

“I understand now why you would think Britain needs cheaper food, clothing and footwear.”

“Never attribute something to malice which can adequately be explained by stupidity,” Merkel responds with proverb to May’s call not to put political ideology first

“Never attribute something to malice which can adequately be explained by stupidity,” the EU has responded with a German proverb to May’s call not to put political ideology first in negotiations.

“We’ve been having a lot of trouble deciding if they [Torykippers] are thick as mince, solely greed driven or actually a combination of both and taking the piss,” Angela Merkel told LCD Views, “we know now.”

Angela Merkel was speaking after British Primed Minister, Theresa May, gave a rousing speech to a packed hall of European leaders in Munich, Germany, yesterday.

“The tickets for this event sold like hot cakes,” Merkel added, “everyone thought here comes one of the hottest properties in British stand up comedy for many years, right here to where we live.

How exciting! Everyone knows only British people laugh. We were hoping to learn a few things.”

But it seems the crowd were at first despondent as the gig got underway and then just upset with May.

“She is pursuing a political ideology first and foremost, given that every single reason put forward for Brexit has been demolished, largely by her own ministers, what else is she doing? And she tries to switch it and accuse us?

She’s going to look pretty bloody funny in a few months time when we tell Scotland it can stay in the EU if it votes to leave the UK before the end of a transition period.

I’ll give you some divide and conquer.”

Indeed.

“And then to suggest that it will be our fault if we can’t agree new arrangements post Brexit on security cooperation? When she is taking orders from proof Victorians invented time travel and Arlene Foster? What the actual?”

And May’s best lines only made things worse.

“Those who threaten our security would like nothing more than to see us fractured.”

“Your prime minister actually said that right here in Germany to all the of the EU. She is doing the bidding of teenagers in bot farms in the Balkans, is she just really dumb or a wind up merchant?”

Asked for a response to the scathing critical review of her act, Ms May released the following statement,

“At least I didn’t mention the war. Do you know how hard it is for a Brexiter to not mention the war?”

Well, all that proves is that she’s not really a Brexiter at heart, even though she has the right amount of xenophobia in her little Englander bones.

May’s season on the EU circuit is expected to continue until the curtain falls in spite of poor ticket sales. She’s already writing her next show too, titled, ‘I did not! You did to!’, which is aimed at the Conservative Party conference circuit.

 

British woman pursuing hard right ideology to ask German leader to ignore what she’s doing

A British woman now famous for pursuing a hard right political ideology is to publicly ask the German leader Angela Merkel today to ignore that she’s pursuing a hard right political ideology and tell the German leader she’ll take the blame when it all goes wrong.

“It’s going to go great,” one of the Maybot’s technicians told our tech correspondent.

“We’ve got the bugs out of the speech algorithm so we don’t expect Maybot to cough at any point.”

But what about letters falling down during her speech?

“Oh, we have been really careful to make sure no Conservative cabinet MP’s are involved in the set design over in Munich,” the technician reassures,

“so there shouldn’t be any of that. Besides, this is Germany, they will have double checked it a few times and not just thrown it up in a rush before getting back to the free bar.”

Plans to just have Theresa shout “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I AM LOOKING FOR THE AUTOBAHN TO BREXIT” over and over were binned when it was revealed that Merkel knows exactly where the road ends and is going to do her best not to publicly embarrass May by mentioning it in public.

“I think the best touch is the flourish where our prime minister tells the German leader not to let political ideology get in the way of security, when it’s our prime minister’s newly adopted hard right political ideology that is the one which is putting people’s security in question.

It’s a doubly nice twist when you consider what happened the last time hard right political ideology was allowed to flourish unchecked across Europe. Coming from us it will make an impression.

And it’s the sort of inherent contradiction we love in the UK these days.

We reckon it’ll confuse the flying spaghetti monster out of the Germans, who are actually very logical, don’t you know? It’s part of divide and conquer. We’ve a history of being very good at it.”

And what new catchphrases will May reveal today to help solidify German support for Brexit?

”There’s a real sense the German people have united behind Brexit and are determined to make a success of it.”

Anything about Russia?

”Yes, we will warn the Germans that they will have trouble doing exactly what the Kremlin wants to weaken security in Europe if they don’t help us make a success of Brexit.

We’re going to build a way, don’t you know? That should go down well.

And we want the Germans to pay for it.”

And to end?

“The autobahn to Brexit has no speed limit, so strap in, strap on and let’s make a success of it.”