Iran expected to have seized half of England by end of Johnson’s first week as PM

UK EN-GULFED BY CRISIS : Futurologists working at the Institute of What’s Up Next Week, Totnes, have been asked to provide their best guess as to what the UK can expect after the first week of Boris Johnson as PM.

“Well, the UK can expect to be a lot smaller if Boris Johnson enters 10 Downing Street and doesn’t run right back out again after a blonde woman,” Professor Boffin advised, “especially England. We conservatively predict that half of mainland England, and many islands, will have been seized by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards by the end of week one. Which has a certain logic, seeing as it’s little England that will make him PM.”

The forecast is based on the inherent nature of Boris Johnson.

“He’s a Frank Spencer, with the difference that he doesn’t mean well. He’ll bumble about, faced with crisis, adding fuel to the fires. I wouldn’t send any UK naval assets after those tankers. The Boris touch will see them moored in Iranian ports half an hour after they arrive on scene.”

But surely the Professor is just exaggerating, because he’s a remainer?

“Look. Just look at Brexit? The project Boris has championed from early 2016. How’s that working out? International players are using it to take advantage of the United Kingdom and Boris is currently just making buses out of wine boxes. What’s it going to be like when he attempts to make an entire cabinet out of them? I’d leave now. While you still can. I predict by this time next week I’ll be in the Artic Circle. Just to sure.”

But critics of the forecast have also seized on one of the underlying principles used in the modelling.

“This forecast is based on Boris Johnson actually doing some work,” an armchair opined, “and there’s actually very little chance of that at all.”

But a defender of Mr Johnson’s record has poured scorn on the suggestion he’ll suffer as a result, after all, whatever happens it’ll just be Boris being Boris…

Photo of Neville Chamberlain chosen as next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA

COMING UP TRUMPS : Global Britain is set to take centre stage on the Washington stage after a famous photo of Neville Chamberlain was chosen to be the next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA.

”It wasn’t difficult,” an aide close to Boris Johnson (widely believed to have been instrumental in the constructive dismissal of the last ambassador) told LCD Views, “as we needed someone who properly symbolises our response to the Trump regime tearing children away from their families. Oh, and holding thousands of people in inhuman conditions in cages.”

What the photo itself thinks isn’t clear, but it’s presumed it’ll see the opportunity for career advancement and take it.

”Peace in our time,” the insider explained, “that’s the message. Let Donald Trump appoint and fire our diplomatic staff via tantrums on social media and let there be peace between tyrants, in our time.”

The news may come as a blow to some though.

”Oswald Mosley was in the running, but he’s dead and we don’t know where he is. So a no show is a no go.”

But Nigel Farage was also picked as a likely replacement to Kim Darroch. A man with experience on the world stage who could strike the right tone in diplomatic cables back from Washington. And fast too, as he’d just shout praise for the thin skinned, tiny handed, orange tyrant from a mobile LBC studio.

”Sadly he couldn’t take the post,” the insider shrugged, “he’s far too busy with his work as an MEP.”

Believe in US – UK Government launches diplomatic PR drive in wake of Darroch scandal

LEAKPROOF IS FOOLPROOF : The MIGHTY BRITISH Government has today announced a diplomatic PR drive in the wake of the Darroch scandal.

The drive, with the working title of ‘Believe In US’ will go on throughout the summer and is aimed at winning back lost reputational cache after the UK’s ambassador to the USA was rightly set up and felled on the world stage. All thought criminals will face the same justice.

”Just because we’re turning on our own doesn’t mean you can’t trust us,” mouthpiece for the campaign, Isabell Oldshaft, told LCD Views, “we’re rooting out our own traitors. We’re putting the fear of being labelled heretic for honestly doing your job into our own people. Not yours. You can trust US.”

As part of the PR drive, which can’t fail to reassure our grateful trading partners and colonies, fresh posters have been produced to be displayed at imperial outposts across the globe.

“This can only help with our outreach mission,” Oldshaft commented, “and the battalion of catchy phrases too. Such as ‘Brexit Britain – send us your cash, but keep your people at home’, such instructive, trendy messaging will hopefully save us from having to deport so many undesirables. Believe in Brexit. Believe in purity.”

The posters will also be available to purchase at home and it is recommended that every house buys one and displays it proudly in a street facing window.

”Get ahead of the game on that one,” Oldshaft suggested, “once the PR campaign has won back our reputation as a country sensiblely governed by mature, forward looking, pragmatic people, then we’ll be taking the purge from the civil service and into each and every home.”

Believe in US. Or face the consequences.

Boris Johnson promises to stand up to Trump by hiding behind Downing Street sofa

INTERNATIONAL BULLY CHAMPIONSHIPS : UK’s next entry into the International Bully Championships, Boris Johnson, has promised to stand up to tantrum throwing twitter twatter, Donald Trump, by hiding behind the Downing Street sofa.

”Oh golly, gosh, has he gone yet?” Boris Johnson said earlier today, from behind the sofa where he is currently staying. Wherever that is, “sssshhhhh. Keep it down. Just flick the lights on and off twice when he’s gone. Got it? Roger? Wilco? Foxtrot? I’m not here. Tell him I’m not here.”

The confirmation of the bold strategy of the man most likely to be the UK’s next prime minister has been welcomed by the civil service.

”It’s reassuring to know Mr Johnson will have our backs in a hostile and changeable international landscape,” a FCO source said, “even if he’s only got our backs so he can stick the knife in if he calculates it suits his short term interests.”

To help make a success of the hiding strategy it’s understood even now that Mr Johnson has asked his girlfriend, and the next First Lady of the United Kingdom, a certain Ms Symonds, to go shopping for,

”the biggliest, bally sofa you can find. Just make it huge. If you can’t find one big enough to hide my bulk behind then buy two big ones and we’ll put one on top of the other.”

Other measures are also planned to stand up to Donald Trump.

”Mr Johnson will be writing formally to the President to request he appoints Ivanka Trump as the next U.K. ambassador to the USA. That ought to do it. Who needs a diplomatic service anyway? What’s if ever done for us? Boris will be using the services of 55 Tufton Street for all that.”

Boris Johnson says he will replace U.K. ambassador to US with a horse

THOROUGHBRED NO SENSE : The UK’s last prime minister, unless Tory rebels actually rebel, Boris Johnson, has said today that he will replace the serving U.K. ambassador to the US with a very small horse.

Speaking at a private function, so the rumour goes, he is said to have made the completely unverified promise.

”A Falabella,” Mr Johnson announced, “an animal fitting in stature to the change in U.K. standing that myself and that other untamed stallion, Brexit, have foisted upon the U.K.”

It’s believed under the scheme, details of which are still being fleshed out, that the tiny pony will be able to live comfortably on the lawn outside the White House. Conveniently positioned for touching photo shoots with Ivanka.

But critics of the wheeze have pointed out that while charming, a miniature pony won’t be able to accurately assess and relate the dynamics of Trumpistan’s administration.

”That’s entirely the point,” a spokesman for a US dark money funded ‘charity’ – Civil Society Pays for Itself by Magic – clarified, “all the real diplomatic work will be carried out via my US billionaire bankrolled colleagues at 55 Tufton Street. The ambassador will be a symbolic post. Although personally I would have chosen a poodle.”

Whether or not Mr Trump will attempt to ride the pony is open to speculation, although it’s believed it should be safe if they don’t pick one with a blonde mane.

”Trump can just open the window and shout at it,” the spokesman added, “which is how the U.K. will be governed post Brexit. Directly.”

Mr Johnson is thought to personally favour the ploy as it should sufficiently distract the people while their will is being directed for Mr Johnson from the White House, and instantaneously via outbursts on Twitter.

And for his part Jeremy Hunt has confirmed, in the unlikely event he becomes PM instead, he will replace the Ambassador with a moral vacancy, ie, he’ll do the job personally.

International Rescue team claim they have located entire country down rabbit hole

CALLS FOR HELP HEARD : The world famous team at International Rescue claim they have located an entire country down a giant rabbit hole.

Shortly before 6am this morning, it is reported, Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward was driving her six wheeled Rolls Royce to the only off licence open early in her neighbourhood that sells tea, when she heard the call for help.

She initially attempted to contact Brains, but discovered he is no longer in the United Kingdom, having left it upon the decision to Brexit.

“I next sent a text to John Tracy, but he also failed to answer. I believe he was orbiting over the Atlantic at the time. He was almost certainly stoned, with his headphones on listening to David Bowie,” Lady Penelope wrote in her regular blogpost, “happily I was able to contact Virgil, because he isn’t a waster.”

The pair located the source of the call for help together and are at this moment attempting to round up the rest of the International Rescue crew to agree on a plan of action.

“The country is down a rabbit hole,” Lady Penelope continues, “and it’s a deep one. I suspect it has actually progressed to being a sinkhole now, when you consider who the next leader is expected to be. The call for assistance is repetitive though, in spite of this, just hard to discern at times over the jingoistic bombast that is also being broadcast.”

It’s believed Jeff Tracy himself will have to coordinate any rescue attempt, but some complications are suspected, as he was recently seen at a Brexit Party rally.

“The country almost certainly has the capacity to rescue itself,” Lady Penelope added, “but in order to get out of the rabbit hole certain leading individuals will have to stop blinking at the headlights of oncoming disaster and act quickly.”

The country is thought to be the United Kingdom. Portions of it are expected to emerge intact whatever International Rescue do. But the rescue itself is apparently complicated by other individuals down the hole who believe digging deeper is the only way to get out.

“All they really need to do to get out is turn around and go back the way they came,” Lady Penelope shrugs, “oh and start holding public inquiries into the massive amount of corruption, lawbreaking, electoral crime and political bollocks that saw them go down the hole to begin with.”

Ghost seen haunting G20 summit identified as Brexit spirit

THE WOMAN IN BLERGH : Reports of a ghost haunting the G20 summit have materialised in news reports overnight, with more than one world leader saying they felt a shiver crawl up their spine.

”There was discussion about sending for an exorcist, but once the vengeful spirit was identified as being the woman in Brexit, well, everyone just shrugged and carried on,” our G20 correspondent reports, “as the Brexit spirit is powerless internationally. It’s more of a domestic energy drain.”

What the spirit was seeking isn’t clear, as no one bothered to ask it.

”It was clearly trying to create a hostile environment,” our correspondent continues, “presumably drawn by the concentration of so many non-English people in one place. But this particular wrathful devil has no power beyond its usual haunted house in Blighty.”

And while European leaders found the ghost mildly dispiriting, before dismissing it, two world leaders in particular seemed to welcome it.

”Trump and Putin seemed to find the spirit fun,” our correspondent continues, “laughing about it and backslapping one another in its presence. This raised the spectre of who the Brexit spirit serves really? As it certainly can’t be the land it emanates from.”

What the Japanese hosts of the summit will do if it lingers isn’t yet clear.

Although there are credible suggestions that if they can draw it into the proximity of a vintage Mitsubishi aeroplane, the type used long ago in WW2 for kamikaze attacks, that the spirit will fly the plane home and seek to crash it into the U.K. to further create a legacy of its time haunting 10 Downing Street.

Carry on Pompeiing – reconstruction of faces from ancient disaster yields surprising results

GAMMON REINCARNATE – Archaeologists working at the site of that most famous of ancient disasters, Pompeii, have begun to reconstruct lost faces, frozen in time the day the volcano blew its top.

“Each frozen body is an exact recording of the person and the moment they were encased in volcanic ash,” Professor Phake Knus, forensic archaeologist, told LCD Views, “right down to their facial expressions and whether or not they were left or right handed, or in some cases, impressively ambidextrous.”

And the faces emerging after nearly 2,000 years are surprisingly familiar.

“It’s led to a bit of a debate about reincarnation amongst the team,” the professor reveals, “as this isn’t the first time. Reconstruction of Anglo-Saxon faces, using excavated skulls, from the Battle of Hastings also showed the same individuals as those we’re finding in Pompeii. I would argue it’s just inherited traits, congenital idiot-logical defects being passed down, but others are convinced it’s proof of a constant cycle of death and rebirth.”

But who are the individuals who keep popping up?

“A good example is the most recent reconstruction. The individual we know was called ‘Markus Francoisius’ who died in the catastrophe of 79 AD.”

The professor shows us a side by side of their Pompeii reconstruction and a photo of the modern Brexit Party MP, Monsieur Mark Francois. It’s indisputable. Uncanny even.

“The ancient Markus Francoisius was a lobbyist for a commercial venture arguing for the construction of residential complexes on the flanks of Mount Vesuvius,” the professor adds, “even as the mountain was smoking and giving a clear signal that a disaster was coming. We know his occupation from artefacts recovered from the toilet in his villa, where his remains were found.”

Did you recover his writing tablets?

“No. There were ancient crayon drawings found next to his remains. Interestingly, his head was in the toilet bowl. We don’t know if he placed it in there in terror, moments before the disaster destroyed his world, or if he was simply trying to get his head into his backside to feel safer, as the lava begun to flow. People often seek a familiar surrounding in times of extreme stress.”

So you’re saying Mark Francois has existed before?

“Yes and his ilk. Reconstruction of the faces from Pompeii, and Hastings, has given us not only little Mark, but exact likenesses of Kate Hoey, Jacob Rees-mogg, David Davis, well it goes on, a whole catalogue of individuals recur time and time again. Whenever there’s a disaster that was clearly signposted, but warnings intentionally ignored for selfish reasons, we find them cheerleading.”

The results of the professor’s work will shortly be on display at the British Museum. The exhibition is called “Gammon Reincarnate – faces of fools from the dawn of time” and entry is only £350m, per week.

Mark Field’s behaviour was “instinctive” explains enraged hominid holding a bone

CHOPE AWARD FOR SERVICES TO SOCIETY : Mark Field MP has seized the headlines today much in the way he seized the neck of a woman last night, and he’ll be hoping he’s ejected from the news cycle with the brutality and speed with which he ejected the woman he took hold of.

“His behaviour was instinctive,” a defender of Mark Field told us today, “if you see a member from an opposing clan you do what you have to do to show your entitlement and superiority. It’s instinctive. She’s just lucky he wasn’t holding a sun bleached femur at the time.”

And the lack of a weapon is a central defence for the MP’s behaviour.

“Just imagine if she had been carrying a bone herself?” the early human ancestor asked, “she may have smuggled it in passed all the machine gun toting security at the entrance and through the bag searchers. It’s likely the security services present in the room were asleep too. So some enraged monkey just had to act.”

The ‘instinctive’ defence is also useful for raising more questions.

What would he have instinctively done faced with a female individual who had made him furious and there weren’t scores of witnesses and cameras present?

Or was he just furious that his pomp and circumstance was interrupted by an opposing view?

You really have to ask yourself what’s more important.

Young people terrified that politicians in league with fossil fuel money are going to burn their future and world to the ground, or Mark Field’s need to feel important in a room full of the same people?

It’s just as well he was there, otherwise the woman may have used more words to signal her opposition to his opinions and there’s nothing that makes an alpha male at dinner angrier than that.

Updated photo of United Kingdom exhibit in famous ‘Hall of Democracies” released

CAN YOU RAISE ATLANTIS : The United Kingdom has apparently been removed from the ‘Hall of Democracies – Blue Planet” exhibition, if reports on inter-galatic social media site, MilkyWayWay, are correct.

“Shortly before 4am, GMT, Professor Bugeyed Furrball of the University of Stars, Sirius 9 campus, posted on his timeline that after careful re-evaluation of the exhibits relating to planets civilised by intelligent life forms, he had decided to remove the United Kingdom from the sub-section relating to democracy,” our inter-galatic correspondent reports this morning, from a garden shed on Earth.

The removal of the UK from the exhibition has long been anticipated after the country decided to do its utmost to turn itself into a banana republic.

“The fraudulent advisory referendum of 2016 was the start of the slide of the UK’s universal reputation as a well managed democracy,” our correspondent continues, “although there had been concerns for some time that persisting with the anachronistic FPTP electoral system may have been sufficient in itself to see the UK removed,” our correspondent continues, “also the thinly veiled decision to turn London into one big money laundering racket, for the profit of certain political figures and their kleptocratic chums from various overseas places, was also shining a bright light onto the UK.”

But what will happen to the UK’s exhibit now that it has been removed by the alien anthropologist?

“It will still be displayed,” our correspondent advises, “anyone, or anything, can view it at the museum. It’s just been removed to the hall named ‘Countries governed by different types of fruit’. In our case we’re now represented by a banana. But at least it’s a straight one.”