The best way to celebrate Global Britain is to commission a new royal yacht, the government has decided. The new ship will be named Boaty McBoatface.
“It’s the will of the people,” said a spokesman for DExEU. “No notion, however ridiculous, can be abandoned if the people have spoken. Brexit means Brexit, and Boaty means Boaty. The new yacht will act as a charm offensive for the fantastic trade deals just over the horizon.”
The increasingly hapless David Davis was unavailable for comment, as he was rumoured to be trying to believe six impossible things before breakfast.
LCD’s Monumental Maritime Matters Correspondent consulted a shipping specialist for a second opinion. “The new yacht will drain the country’s resources for no tangible gain,” said Experty McExpertface. “The ship will not be allowed out of UK waters, under the terms of a hard Brexit. So, unless we are trying to forge trade deals with the Isle of Wight, it is totally useless. Not even if the Queen holds a blue passport.”
McExpertface further revealed that Boaty was leaking, quite seriously, below the waterline. “It’s a metaphor for both Brexit and British workmanship,” he said. ”Although the likelihood is that the leak was caused deliberately by a disgruntled migrant worker on less than the minimum wage.”
According to a recent interview in Shrub And Bush magazine, Prince Charles opined that Her Majesty would probably use Boaty for her annual cruise on the Norfolk Broads. Charles was quoted as saying, “Of course, one is not bothered one way or the other. One would rather spend one’s holidays in Cornwall with one’s aspidistras.”
Other royals were equally unimpressed. “I couldn’t give a hoot, I’m too busy pushing out sprogs!” said Catherine Cambridge. “Sod orff!” said a representative of the Palace. “What’s a yacht?”asked Meghan McMarkleface.
An unwanted, expensive, useless white elephant? What’s not to love?