Transport Secretary Chris “Goose” Grayling was at risk of treading on the toes of Health Secretary Jeremy “rhymes” Hunt today with the Goose launching a Christmas pound shredder initiative on Britain’s railways.
“These fare increases will cost all rail users an arm and leg,” the Goose honked merrily, “more than sufficient to lose any additional pounds picked up over the Christmas feasting season.”
It’s believed the record busting 3.6% fare increase should also help reduce overcrowding on popular lines.
“Once the average commuter gives up on any hope of affordable rail travel, such as they experience in those European backwaters like Germany and France, they buy cars on credit.
This will be a boost to British car manufacturing and money lending.
Well, at least until our plan to pull the UK out of the customs union forces firms to relocate manufacturing to the continent.”
It’s believed other initiatives being put forward involve an actual tie up with the NHS that Hunt will see as a boon.
“We are considering blood bank carriages,” Goose mused, “a simple plan where volunteers will man carriages that will collect and weigh blood from prescreened, approved donor commuters in lieu of their rail fare.”
Once a private contractor can be found to store and sell the blood to the NHS trials of the scheme will begin, hopefully in the spring.
“Forgotten your season ticket or Oyster card? Left your wallet at home? Spent too long queuing for food that you missed your third gig zero hours contract job for the day? No problem, let us open a vein. You can still pay!”
It is hoped though, before Grayling gets that far with his plans, that politically his goose will be cooked.
“If only someone could discover an industrialised country where trains were run affordably and on time? Where it was run for the common good and had a positive boost to worker productivity, rather than being a drain only designed to enrich a small percent?”
Now he’s just talking crazy.
Pack your bag. Mark the limb you are using to pay with permanent pen and catch your train to work. Oh, and take that book you didn’t finish reading over Christmas too, you may well get a chance to finish it during a delay today!