Rail users shed Christmas pounds fastest thanks to arm and leg fare increases

Transport Secretary Chris “Goose” Grayling was at risk of treading on the toes of Health Secretary Jeremy “rhymes” Hunt today with the Goose launching a Christmas pound shredder initiative on Britain’s railways.

“These fare increases will cost all rail users an arm and leg,” the Goose honked merrily, “more than sufficient to lose any additional pounds picked up over the Christmas feasting season.”

It’s believed the record busting 3.6% fare increase should also help reduce overcrowding on popular lines.

“Once the average commuter gives up on any hope of affordable rail travel, such as they experience in those European backwaters like Germany and France, they buy cars on credit.

This will be a boost to British car manufacturing and money lending.

Well, at least until our plan to pull the UK out of the customs union forces firms to relocate manufacturing to the continent.”

It’s believed other initiatives being put forward involve an actual tie up with the NHS that Hunt will see as a boon.

“We are considering blood bank carriages,” Goose mused, “a simple plan where volunteers will man carriages that will collect and weigh blood from prescreened, approved donor commuters in lieu of their rail fare.”

Once a private contractor can be found to store and sell the blood to the NHS trials of the scheme will begin, hopefully in the spring.

“Forgotten your season ticket or Oyster card? Left your wallet at home? Spent too long queuing for food that you missed your third gig zero hours contract job for the day? No problem, let us open a vein. You can still pay!”

It is hoped though, before Grayling gets that far with his plans, that politically his goose will be cooked.

“If only someone could discover an industrialised country where trains were run affordably and on time? Where it was run for the common good and had a positive boost to worker productivity, rather than being a drain only designed to enrich a small percent?”

Now he’s just talking crazy.

Pack your bag. Mark the limb you are using to pay with permanent pen and catch your train to work. Oh, and take that book you didn’t finish reading over Christmas too, you may well get a chance to finish it during a delay today!

Support grows for unification of north and south London in face of Brexit chaos

LCD Views’ embedded Metropolitan Bubble correspondent can report alarming news of consensus building for unification of London in the face of Brexit chaos.

“I believe in unions,” S. Arf told LCD, “unions of nations that form countries and unions of countries that form unions, if people are talking about shared interests they are less likely to fight.

But I’ve always resisted any attempt to make me think people who live north of the Thames aren’t weird toffs and I should consider myself in a geopolitical union with them.

But Brexit? That’s changed everything.”

It’s believed the change is a result of realising just how much in common people living on both sides of the river share.

Both like having passports that allow them to leave England (it’s rumoured this trait exists in other regions, but no one has gone to check for sure) and both are starting to think the north of England should have to put up with the Houses of Parliament for a few years.

At least until they realise just how much London has taken it on the chin for them since 1066, with the exception of the harrying of the north.

Oh, and that blip in relations under Thatcher.

“I always thought south of the Thames was just drug dealers, unemployed musicians and really poor people,” N Oorth revealed, “but I’m having to reconsider.

Migrations from the north to the south may have changed the demographics enough for me to one day consider going further south than Festival Hall.”

Numerous pressure groups have sprung up to give public voice to the desire to bring London together and make a success of the possibilities provided by Brexit.

“If we get north and south Londoners to accept they live in the same city and should work together than we may well be able to get them to build a wall around the capital and secede from the United Kingdom before March 2019.

If we can do that it will mean there’s still a point in having a Eurostar terminal at St Pancras after Brexit.

Actually if we can do that we should probably think about uniting England too. But one step at a time.”

Rumours have been circulating that the mayor of London is intending to build a wall of affordable homes in a ring around the city. This is to keep out foragers from outlying regions when the post Brexit famine occurs with the collapse in farming, after withdrawal of EU subs.

“If we do secede and declare ourselves an independent nation state we should make it clear we’re leaving the United Kingdom, we’re not leaving England, well, not until we can work out how to physically separate the land under London from the peninsula that joins it to Watford.

That’s the start of the “north”, isn’t it?” N. Oorth added.

Economists have warned though that if London leaves the U.K. it will necessitate a hard customs border between London and the rest of England.

Also, that before London acts unilaterally to cut itself off from Brexiters, it should ask if any other regions want to go into union with it, even if that means envoys (maybe hostages) will need to be exchanged.

“We’ve a solution for that,” N Oorth reassured, “we’ll solve it like Westminster has solved the border issue between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

We’ll pretend it isn’t happening whilst simultaneously kicking it into the long grass and hoping no one talks about it again.”

Royal yacht Boaty McBoatface commissioned to commemorate the advent of Global Britain

The best way to celebrate Global Britain is to commission a new royal yacht, the government has decided. The new ship will be named Boaty McBoatface.

“It’s the will of the people,” said a spokesman for DExEU. “No notion, however ridiculous, can be abandoned if the people have spoken. Brexit means Brexit, and Boaty means Boaty. The new yacht will act as a charm offensive for the fantastic trade deals just over the horizon.”

The increasingly hapless David Davis was unavailable for comment, as he was rumoured to be trying to believe six impossible things before breakfast.

LCD’s Monumental Maritime Matters Correspondent consulted a shipping specialist for a second opinion. “The new yacht will drain the country’s resources for no tangible gain,” said Experty McExpertface. “The ship will not be allowed out of UK waters, under the terms of a hard Brexit. So, unless we are trying to forge trade deals with the Isle of Wight, it is totally useless. Not even if the Queen holds a blue passport.”

McExpertface further revealed that Boaty was leaking, quite seriously, below the waterline. “It’s a metaphor for both Brexit and British workmanship,” he said. ”Although the likelihood is that the leak was caused deliberately by a disgruntled migrant worker on less than the minimum wage.”

According to a recent interview in Shrub And Bush magazine, Prince Charles opined that Her Majesty would probably use Boaty for her annual cruise on the Norfolk Broads. Charles was quoted as saying, “Of course, one is not bothered one way or the other.  One would rather spend one’s holidays in Cornwall with one’s aspidistras.”

Other royals were equally unimpressed. “I couldn’t give a hoot, I’m too busy pushing out sprogs!” said Catherine Cambridge. “Sod orff!” said a representative of the Palace. “What’s a yacht?”asked Meghan McMarkleface.

An unwanted, expensive, useless white elephant? What’s not to love?

MOD ordered to replace all rifles with long bows by 2019

The Ministry of Defence has joined in the festival of proper British sovereignty regained with the announcement that all rifles will be replaced by longbows by 2019.

“We all know how terrified the French are of our famous English longbows,” Mr T. Off, Conservakip MP, junior minister at the MOD, advised LCD’s busy defence correspondent.

“And the return of such a powerful symbol of English military power will give us the edge once we engage in prosecco focused tariff wars with the largest trading bloc on Earth.”

It’s believed the French are still so traumatised by the exploits of Henry V, before he died of the runs, that they will lobby the Germans to give us all we want in the negotiations centred on leaving as many British pensioners as possible resident in the Costa del Sol.

“The Spanish will quake too,” Mr T. suggested, “if they start kicking off over Gibraltar we’ll set a frigate on fire and send it into the harbour at Malaga.”

This is seen as British exceptionalism at its best, especially given the demands of austerity mean that the navy is soon to de-commission its frigates and replace them with a group of angry people on the shore shouting about forriners.

A defence spokesman for Labour endorsed the plan, “English craftsmen fashioning traditional English items by hand? What’s not to like. Once we seize power and drive the entire service economy into the sea, because of our adherence to the outdated doctrines of Lexit, which have paid no attention to all the rights the EU have enshrined in law, handicrafts will replace pretty much all of British industry anyway. I’m personally going to live in a damp wattle hut until I get trench foot.”

Asked about the increased military threat of deluded English nationalists holding longbows after Brexit, the EU commented,

“No one was stopping you arming yourselves with longbows, the decision to adopt rifles was an English decision, if not a Scottish or Northern Irish one. You are welcome to go back in time as far as you like.

We expect to clean the bones of your economy if we can get in before the Americans and the Chinese in the devalued U.K. plc asset stripping orgy that is to come.”

Children will soon be expected to miss each Monday to practise with the longbows while singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory”.

This is showing great foresight, as it will give them the edge once the food riots begin.

Blue passport can only be used to travel to blue countries

The latest implication of the new post-Brexit blue passport can now be revealed. A blue cover entitles true-blue Brits to travel to other blue countries.

Seeking clarification, LCD’s Colour Of Legal Documents correspondent contacted 10 Downing Street. They issued a highly detailed document. Hidden amid paragraph after paragraph of self-justification and obfuscation, a few nuggets of hard information could be found.

“Blue countries means Blue countries.” “Blue represents the hardest Brexit possible.” “All truly representative political parties are associated with the colour blue.” “Blue is the colour, football is the game.” “A blue hat for a blue day.”

So that’s all clear then. We telephoned Labour HQ for their response, and received the following message. “Blue countries? Hang on a mo. you’re joking!… what, really? Oh… what did Number 10 say?… Yeah, that. What they said.” At that the line went dead.

It was a similar story with other political parties. The LibDems, after 15 minutes of valiant hand-wringing, offered nothing more. All the members of UKIP were down the pub celebrating their great victory, although one did claim to be my very best friend before collapsing on the floor.

Professor of Geography Easton Hemisphere had an alternative take on the news. “Traditionally, a political map of the world uses four colours,” stated Prof Hemisphere. “So the new passport will take you to any country traditionally coloured blue.”

All well and good, but isn’t Great Britain traditionally shown in pink? “Yeah, but you don’t think anyone will actually use it, do you?” retorted Prof Hemisphere. “That’s the big secret, a blue passport won’t even be valid in this country! Nor any other, as blue wasn’t generally used! Ha ha!”

We suspect that Prof Hemisphere has allowed himself a degree of latitude in his analysis, although it makes no less sense than Blue countries means Blue countries.

The Smurfs are said to be fearing an influx of holidaying Brits.

Every time IDS speaks on post Brexit economic outlook a major business actions its contingency plan

LCD Views has heard from increasingly overworked international business relocation service urging Irritable Duncan Syndrome to please stop talking about the UK’s post Brexit economic outlook.

“Did you hear that idiot on rt4, the Brexit Broadcasting Corporation, this morning? Breezily talking about how business will have to learn to work in new ways after Brexit?

That alone caused our phone to melt again with new orders. It’s insane. We’re considering moving to the continent ourselves just to get a breather,” Mrs P Lease informed LCD.

“And the fact such blithe statements are allowed to pass unchallenged by what are supposed to be serious journalists doesn’t help our blood pressure either.”

It seems Mrs Lease would have appreciated Irritable Duncan Syndrome being asked for specifics on what exactly will have to be learned in order to cope with the new realities of being totally overshadowed by the largest trading bloc on earth, once we establish ourselves in competition and as an existential threat ongoing. Although he couldn’t have honestly answered, as no one knows what it will look like as no one planned for it. People like IDS most certainly did not.

Also, what timeframe, budget, and fallback options will be needed to change business practises that have worked for decades but are now suddenly obsolete because a bunch of entitled twits with imperial nostalgia agree to be stooges for shadowy tax haven interests.

“On the plus side though, in terms of the complexity of negotiating the UK’s exit from the single market and customs union, politically that will become extremely easy if IDS continues to trot out nonsense he’s not asked to substantiate.”

Apparently because by the time March 2019 rolls around, thanks to IDS and chums, there won’t be any business interests concerned with cross channel trade left in the country expressing concerns to worry about.

Keep talking IDS, the world is listening.

And Beeb, don’t worry asking him to qualify all the bollocks he talks, slowly but surely only Brexiters are listening to you anyway.

What’s the contingency plan for losing the BBC? Just out of interest?

U.K. forecast to be leading emerging market post 2019

LCD Views’ leading economic analyst can finally report some good news on Brexit with the happy prospect of the United Kingdom being one of the world’s leading emerging markets after 2019.

“It will be even more profitable if the union falls apart,” said a stooge for people who just don’t care, “it’s interesting from a colonial perspective.”

Apparently one of the most intriguing aspects of the push to destabilise and introduce chaos into the UK economy, on a parity with a postcolonial country that carried on with an extractive political and economic model after independence, is the cheerful justice of long absent historical chickens coming home to roost.

“There’s a suspicion that some of the leading Brexiters, the born to rule crowd, have no qualms making millions each year doing business with corrupt regimes that increase profits by an absence of human rights, environmental and workplace rights protections and massive political corruption, because of an underlying racism in the psychology of all those offshore specialist investment go betweens in expensive suits resident (physically if barely financially) in the U.K. and currently running the country.”

It seems, so cheerful is this experience for the balance sheet, it has lead to a desire to playfully overturn the apple cart at home and,

“Run away with as many apples as possible. They don’t dispense fruit to nurses at food banks anyway? Do they? Certainly not to teachers.

Everyone knows they get given apples at school by the children in order to buy better grades.

We’ll have to stamp that out. It’s tantamount to bribery. We’ll stop it. Now excuse me, I have to offer to bend our rules for a tyranny that buys our bombs.”

Invest in Britain!

Just make sure to do it with an offshore foreign currency account after further Sterling devaluation following a successful Brexit.

Grab yourself a piece of the NHS, it’s all up for grabs with Brexit.

May advises parliament the United Kingdom itself is not necessarily binding

Theresa May has moved to reassure the country that of the many things that are currently not necessarily binding, the United Kingdom is on the list.

“It’s a timely intervention to stop the horses getting spooked,” Mr Running Hills, analyst for the only British Brexit think tank not currently funded by the Kremlin advises,

“many of the leading nationalists in the nations that comprise the U.K. are wondering if they should be bolting from the stable now, or wait until the stable is completely ablaze in a year or two. The PM has given them the clarity required to stamp their hooves nervously and shuffle about as the hay in the corner starts to burn.”

When to time the dash for independence, or unification, is an overwhelming concern being discussed at length behind closed doors.

“All you need to do is get a tiny percentage advantage in a non-binding referendum by hammering relentlessly a series of lies that no one will hold you to account over, regardless of the severity of the potential consequences, and whacko, you have a mandate to turn the world on its head and see what falls off,” the prime minister reminded the house.

David Davis MP is rumoured to already be sending his CV to the SNP, Plaid, Sinn Fein and the Cornish Independence Party to ensure he has work going on from 2019.

“It’s very clever of Mr Davis,” Mr Hill observed, “I think he’s taking the classic builder’s path. Get the job 80% done and bugger off to the next one saying you’ll be back next week to finish up.”

For editorial balance in this article we asked Brexit Dad to comment,

“The mighty lion of the United Kingdom has never been more united behind the Saint George flag. Not on my watch you traitorous remoaner.”

That’ll bring everyone together.

Brexit Dad furious after discovering charity cricket match was for economic migrants

LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.

“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”

Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.

“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”

Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?

“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”

Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.

“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”

One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?

“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”

As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?

“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”

Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.

“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”

Paradise Papers shock ‘Sea of Tranquility’ listed headquarters for over 50,000 companies avoiding tax

There were further shock revelations from the ‘Paradise Papers’ today with the publication of extracts suggesting the Moon was declared a crown dependency in 2011 and has been turned into a tax haven.

LCD Views’ Tax, Manners and Small Nails specialist studied the extracts and provided the following breakdown:

“You’ve got to help me! I can’t do this anymore!”

The breakdown finished, he told us what he thought about the latest revelation.

“It’s hardly surprising,” Mr H.M Cola said, “With public awareness of the generally legal, but it is argued deeply immoral, use of offshore tax havens increasing steadily, and with it a clamour for reform, tax dodgers are having to go to greater and greater distances to hide their money.”

It’s believed three craters on the Moon are used as legal headquarters for businesses looking to “off planet” their assets, but those three craters are already the listed address of some 50K individual companies.

“They’re all in the Sea of Tranquility,” H.M. added, “although I suspect once the new EU regulations targeting tax avoidance come into force in 2019 they will either move to the dark side of the moon or perhaps London, should Brexit happen.”

As to how individuals set up their elaborate schemes is the subject of ongoing scrutiny.

“It’s all done electronically I suspect. I don’t believe anyone actually physically goes there to do it.”

The revelation has piqued the interest of a famous British electronic manufacturer who is rumoured to be planning a combined factory and pub (with a business colleague) so long as the regulations are sufficient to encourage competitive employment conditions.

Asked what they intended to do about the Moon a representative for the Treasury had this response,

“Wheel out some aged humanitarian to try and draw moral equivalency between billionaires avoiding tax and cash in hand workers like we always do. What do you want from us? The Moon on a stick?”