Russian oligarch owner of English premier league team rumoured to be considering changing manager

Rumours were swirling on the back pages of the terminally ill red tops today that the Russian oligarch owner of an English premier league team is considering changing manager.

The problem appears to be ongoing differences over strategy. We asked our only sports correspondent for more.

”It’s to do with the unceasing run of score draws. You don’t spend billions on sponsorship and coaching and media strategy just to watch 0-0 week in and week out.

Not to mention the endless bans for accumulated red cards being handed down to players that cost millions a week to the British economy.”

All that aside, the team is still top of the league.

”But that’s because the only current team capable of mounting a challenge keeps its best players on the bench each week and fields ten defenders and the goalkeeper.”

So the worry is if the challlenger gets a new manager first, one with aggressive strategy, the inherent weaknesses will be exposed?

”Think about last time they played? The winner scraped over the line 1-0 in extra time, in spite of being down to eight men.

All their best players are currently out injured.

They’re having to field a team largely composed of people near retirement who play with anger alone. Their youth squad can’t recruit. It’s a joke.

Any rising stars they do have tend to get caught out in betting scandals.

Like the one who got caught attempting to funnel team secrets to a foreign military’s team. Wtf?

It’s a complete shambles. You tell me how they’re managing to scrape draws every game?

They should be smashed down to the bottom of the league and unable to escape relegation.”

Presumably the manager’s stated intention to pull out of the Champion’s League in Europe and focus on the domestic league must be causing trouble too?

”Actually no. That’s the one area of strategy where the manager and the Russian oligarch owner completely align.”

Boris Johnson giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again

Great news for lovers of visionaries with the announcement that Boris Johnson MP is giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again.

It’s believed the government has requisitioned the set of ‘Have I Got News For You’ for the event, as that was when “the people really loved Boris the most”.

We spoke to an aide to Mr Johnson to find out more about the preparations for his new word salad.

”Hand me that hose?” Pris Oner, junior minister, FCO asked,

“I’ve been helping Johnson rewrite his speech again and I’m just covered in it. Would you mind turning around?”

Our reporter duly turned around and the interview was conducted with backs turned.

”Your lot are for it, you know?” Pris said.

How so?

”The Home Office is setting up a Ministry of New Truths. You’ll have to submit headlines for scrutiny before writing. You’ll probably find most come back with some minor alterations in the focus.”

We’ll worry about that in 2019. What’s going to be in Johnson’s big Brexit speech?

”Mostly it will be about how Brexit has actually increased international cooperation. It’s a force for liberal good. It will lead to a new, deeper relationship between Britons and the EU. There won’t be any mention of Nazanin!”

So full of inherent contradictions and an attempt to baffle with bullshit?

”Not at all. Think about it. Regulators are moving to the continent. The agricultural sector has set up outposts in Poland and China. Service indistries are flowing across the channel.”

How is that a good thing?

”That’s the problem with you doom merchants. You lack the ability to see the nuances. This is the United Kingdom deepening its involvement with the whole world, by way of giving them jobs.”

But that’s to our detriment.

”It burnishes our reputation for giving! You need to get behind it! Especially if you need to pack up your desk so it can move to the mainland. Shoulder to the wheel time.”

I don’t think people losing their jobs in a time of uncertainty will see it that way.

”Get a bigger heart. Get a heart like Boris. All valves and chambers full of love and concern.”

Who for?

”Boris mostly. And fit young fillies! Ha! Think of Brexit job losses as aiding international development.

Now, hand me that towel and some cue tips.

I think I’ve got some of his best bits about British liberal values being engorged by telling 27 other countries to sod off stuck in my ears.”

What will you get Boris Johnson for Valentine’s Day?

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house launches “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach children about cannibalism

Global Britain 2.0 publishing house has launched the exciting and new “Bob the Brexiter” series to teach reception age children about cannibalism and how to survive in near future Britain.

Our education supplement editor, Rosie Searchlight, spoke to the head of Global Britain 2.0 publishers to find out more about this mad development.

“Fanfannyfantastiloosic!” Chief editor of kid’s books, Mr Johnson Johnson, told Rosie,

“When the aaaaa, esteemed and much cherished Department for Edu-edumacation asked us to work hand in glove with the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots to devise, design and ultimately launch like a comet into a field jam packed with giant reptlies, the Bob the Brexiter series, we couldn’t wait to get our big fingers into that pie and rip chunks out and smear them over our cheeks like a toddler faced with a bag of chocolates.”

Great to see such enthusiasm for going forward. Whose actual concept was it?

“Well, it’s a little intentionally derivative. We studied the plots of USA neocon financial long cons, the trickle down lark, we mixed in some of the shame the institutions that are the foundations of democratic politics, really run them down over time, so you can take control, bit of that stuff, and then we slammed a whole help of ‘Lord of the Flies’ in for good measure. It’s bloody good fun.”

But what about early reports from some parents that their children have started crying midway through reading the first “Bob the Brexiter” book, seemingly having confused it with a long running series where a competent team of professionals overcome obstacles to construct something worthwhile?

“Fibble fabble. All children. Absolutely every single mite who has gotten one of the first editions in their hands has got to the end and thrown up in excitement.”

That’s reassuring.

“And thanks to our colleagues at the Department for Health for organising the coming promotional tour of all schools when Nadine, from the Nadine Dorris Institute for Idiots, will be along to give away sensibly priced signed copies to everyone present.

She’ll also be asking everyone to join a WhatsApp group with her, because apparently, even though she helped write them, she doesn’t quite understand the books.

It actually got a bit sticky. But she convinced herself that if something is too complex for you to understand you should throw it out. Kind of like the concept of brain surgery. Just put it in the can because you personally don’t get it.

Now that’s the way to design a future for all our happy little readers!”

Get your copy today! But be careful when you read it. Those recipes featured at the end of each chapter will come in handy one day!

 

Nissan says production of a penny farthing will stay in U.K. post Brexit

Great news for the North East of England today with the news from French owned car giant Nissan that production of a penny farthing will stay in the U.K. post Brexit, regardless of what size and flavour of cake the EU agree to give Theresa May.

LCD Views spoke to the Japanese ambassador yesterday, after he attended yet another meeting of heads of all major car brands with the acting prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

“Who is that individual?” he asked, with a frown, “just, what does she think she is doing?

Every decision she makes is made in the moment and reversed a moment later.

Is this really Global Britain?

Where is your political opposition?

Do you still have a functioning representative parliament?

Why is the official opposition going along with the national economic suicide plot?

Why are they not traitorously subverting the overwhelming mandate for isolation delivered on the 23rd June 2016 to make Mr Farage very happy?”

All good questions ambassador, that I am sure the BBC will interrogate fully.

“She is pursuing a policy that makes continuing to manufacture cars and almost everything else in the United Kingdom impossible, in all likelihood.

And I have to find a way to politely tell you that it is over. You are entering the era of national managed decline.”

It’s a good thing he’s not British. This sounds like treason!

“But due to the decades of fruitful union between Japanese car makers and the people of England, we will leave you with a legacy industry that best symbolises Brexit and your future.”

That’s something at least, what will it be?

“Production of a new square wheeled penny farthing will occur in the United Kingdom, so long as you agree to provide a tax incentive in the billions for it.”

So May has offered them the same deal she’s offering everyone? One she can’t afford?

“It was a curious meeting, as at one point, your prime minister got furious and ordered Nissan to keep car making in the North East on patriotic grounds.

She tried to slam the table and her fist slipped over the edge and she hit herself in the knee.”

Strong and stable.

“She then accused us of subverting the will of the people by insisting we could only run a business here if it made a profit.”

Have you seen the government’s political P/L sheet?

“Bicycle. You can have a bicycle.”

LCD Views would like to commend the automotive industry for its decision to keep manufacturing of one Victorian British classic within the United Kingdom, in good faith and trusting to the bespoke bicycling deal we will strike with our friends and partners in Europe as we forge a new, deep and special relationship.

“You realise we’re only doing this because you won’t be able to afford a car?”

Thank you Japanese ambassador.

You’re the only person who has emerged from 10 Downing Street and spoken the truth for a very long time.

What will the new penny farthing model be called?

“Le Farage.”

Home Office to deport Cheddar Man because he’s ruining the story of Britain

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

Every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit

Great news for lovers of patriotic songs today with the announcement from the Ministry for Potatoes that their crop of Tory MP’s will be introducing a new bill in parliament that will make it obligatory for every other British leg to play “God Save The Queen” when pulled after Brexit.

“We actually wanted to make the law retrospective,” said Tumble-Trot Bum-aster, MP for Trot-Bum-on-Creem, “but we were sabotaged by some remaoner civil servants who were determined we do not break the laws of time and travel backwards any further than we already are.

And to be fair, given the result of the last vote ever needed by the United Kingdom, it seems legs are pretty easy to pull already, we just have to theme tune them.”

Also, an upside of the advice is that all true born British children will have the opportunity to learn the lyrics of the famous music hall classic in time for 10pm 29th March 2019.

“Some children have been caught singing ‘God save the EU’, which will of course be a hanging offence from 22:01, 29th March 2019.”

Further preparations will be undertaken to help right thinking British folk choose which leg is their preferred leg to be pulled.

“If you don’t use your good leg you might make a hash of the song,” Tumble-Trot says soberly,

“I use my gentleman’s personal gentleman’s leg for all songs, as a rule, so even I have to work out which leg I’m going to have pulled to play ‘God Save The Queen’.

As an MP I tend to pull my middle leg in the office.”

At this point the MP appeared to notice he was already pulling his leg and not singing.

“Excuse me. I appear to need to sing, to lead the charge, you don’t know the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ do you?”

We don’t. Oh my God.

“Australian sons let us rejoice for we” No! Stop.

“Oh say, can you see the dawn’s early light” No!

”The people’s flag is deepest red”

No! Only if Labour get into power and are determined to turn Brexit into Lexit!

The lyrics will have to be learned by the time the neocon project of Brexit reaches tumescent fulfilment in 2029.

Anyone have ‘Alexa’ handy? She’ll know. We are on the wrong path but at least we’ve seen the light.

God save our gracious Queen (from the Brexiters once they get Henry VIII powers) and the rest of us…

Pull the other one, it plays Brexit bells.

Downing Street fires first shot in trade war with EU by threatening to shoot itself

The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.

“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”

It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.

“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”

It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.

“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”

Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.

I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”

Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.

“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”

Jeremy Kyle show to replace ECJ to arbitrate trade disputes once U.K. leaves EU

Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.

“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,

“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.

It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”

And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”

Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.

We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.

“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.

 

Starmer reels one in as Greening crosses the floor

LCD Views have taken the silken cloth off our crystal ball this morning and in it seen that Labour are in a jubilant mood after former Secretary of State for Education, Justine Greening, crossed the floor. That may not sound like the best set up, but just imagine if it happened, how much would you laugh?

”They’ve been working hard since the June 8th general election to make one crack,” Krad Nibats told LCD Views,

“Activists have been on the pavement week in and week out in any constituency where a Tory MP saw their majority cut from ‘I can vote for a return of child labour, match factories and Brexit’ to ‘omg omg omg’.”

It’s believed it was just a matter of time till one of the senior Conservative MP’s said sod this and left the party, knowing that in the coming general election they would be swept out of their seat and into the political dustbin anyway.

It’s coming. It’s coming. Beware the Ides of March.

“It’s actually been on the cards since the following scene played out in early January in the prime minister’s office,” Krad Nibats added, and handed us a couple of sheets of script.

INT. Prime Minister Theresa May’s Office – Day

A tired woman sits rigid behind a desk. She’s a husk.

She’s attempting to click her fingers in time with a grandfather clock in the corner. But she isn’t able to do it. Always a fraction late as the second hand ticks.

This is Theresa May, prime minister of the United Kingdom. Somehow.

It looks like there’s wires attached to her shoulders and arms, pulling her up towards an invisible puppet master.

A few nervous underlings pace back and forth. They stare at their phones. No one makes eye contact with anyone else.

Theresa’s desk would be an acre of empty space without the one thing placed on it.

A tarantula in a glass case.

CLOSE ON

The tarantula as it reaches lazily up the side of its tank. See those fangs. Make them huge.

Stay on the tarantula and hear the door to the office open.

                                                     Theresa

“Ah, so good of you to come Justine.”

                                                     Justine

“Skip the sweet talk Theresa. We all know why I’m here. And I’ll tell you how it’s going to go.”

PULL BACK

See Theresa transfixed. Terrified. She’s been terrified for so long now. She never knows what to do.

END SCENE

It’s coming.

Ostriches stage protest outside parliament over chronic sand shortages

News is breaking today, first on LCD Views’ and later the BBC, of the incredible gathering of birds outside parliament, as over five hundred ostriches stage a protest over chronic sand shortages.

”In all my years of broadcasting I have never witnessed a flock of birds this mad,” begins Kay Burley, with the Sky News report,

“Reports started to hit the news wires at dawn this morning of a squadron of black, white and grey birds flying low over the capital and headed for Westminster Green.”

The RAF did dispatch Tiger Moths to intercept the UFO’s, not suspecting ostriches as they have to be furious to fly, but the bi-planes we’re eaten when they made first contact. Bye planes.

”AIr raid sirens sounded across London as people stared blearily into their coffees and didn’t bother to look outside because what could possibly be worse than this current farce of a parliament?”

The next one?

The Met ordered marksmen to rush to Westminster Green, but that didn’t happen because Mark said no.

”I was one of the first on the scene, arriving just after Auntie, with a camera man and a man who wasn’t a camera, to capture the unfolding drama.”

Uncle arrived late.

”But what at first seemed like an airborne attack by a hostile force was quickly discovered to be a flock of ostriches, who had decided to bring their rage and despair at perceived injustice straight to the doors of the counrry’s law makers and oath breakers.”

They weren’t allowed inside. Health and safety PC gone mad over fears of hygiene risk.

The PC was later calmed down.

”I identified an individual who appeared to be the group’s spokesbird and asked why they were here?”

Because we’re not there, he replied.

”He told me they were flocking mad. He brandished an empty plastic bucket, such as a child would use on a beach.

It appears the birds have flocked to parliament to protest the chronic sand shortages faced by ostriches now, that on balance the country’s parliamentarians have buried their heads as a group in the sand over their harm they’re doing collectively to the UK’s interests.”

What do we want? The birds are now shouting in chorus.

We want our sand.

When do we want it?

We want it now.

”We’re not going to stand for this injustice any longer,” the spokesbird proclaimed, “at least, until we can bury our heads in the sand again.”

More on this evolving story as it unfolds.