Downing Street confirms smugglers were consulted on best way to avoid a hard border in NI

The government announced today that in its wisdom it’s found a solution to the Northern Ireland hard border problem, after consulting professional smugglers.

“The first thing to understand is no one saw any of these thorny issues coming,” a spokesman for Downing Street didn’t advise LCD Views,

“it would have been helpful if people in Ireland had raised potential problems earlier, rather than the President of Ireland, telling us the entire country was behind Brexit and go for it, only to now start raising concerns days before our exit from the EU.”

It’s believed a complete radio silence on the border issue from across the Irish Sea has led to this abrupt spanner in the Brexit works.

“Nonetheless, we’ve got every other No Deal Brexit related problem ironed flat so we can turn our full energies and brains onto the problem created by the Irish.”

Something for which the Irish are expected to be grateful, as with all gifts from England.

“Clearly it’s impossible to stay in the customs union for Northern Ireland, as the backstop doesn’t suit the ERG. We would advise the Republic comes out too, as that solves the problem right there. Failing that, we will be building a wall to support a new customs arrangement across the border. But it will be mirrored so no one can see it’s there, just their reflection as they cross the border,

“We don’t want people’s livelihoods to be interrupted, especially not tax dodgers. Brexit is about making a living easier and increasing rights and liberties of externally influenced, largely useful idiot MPs in Westminster, to more easily funnel taxpayer’s money into offshore accounts,

“So to achieve this, but keep the bloody Irish happy, we have consulted professional smugglers on the best way passed, under, over or around a customs border, whatever its hardness.”

Once the learning of this engagement has been distilled into a slogan it will be printed out and handed to every citizen either side of the border, on, before or after the 29th March 2019.

“In essence, in order to fulfil the mandate handed down on that stone tablet from almighty God every Irishman and woman and child is going to become a smuggler. That’s what the professional smugglers we consulted advised, purely altruistically. We can’t see any harm resulting from forcing these new opportunities on people stuck in the outdated ways of EU membership,

“Let’s all the Irish get behind this solution and make a success of Brexit. There’s good chaps.”

People living in both Northern Ireland and the Republic are asked to speak up sooner the next time they decide to generate problems when Ms May, the ERG and the Lexiters are only trying to improve their lives with no thought of the personal cost.

UK scores max possible on new government dumpster fire ratings chart

LCD Views can pass on the rumour we just invented that 10 Downing Street is celebrating today after the UK scored the maximum possible on a new UN backed government dumpster fire ratings chart.

”This is fantastic news,” A. Disaster Capitalist told us, “it just underscores my wisdom in following the lead of Putin cronies by investing in the Conservative Party during their time in government.”

And it isn’t just the offshore tax haven loving funders of the government that are impressed. The high score has sent a ripple and a tingle up the spines of the mastermind’s behind Labour’s revolutionary victory in the 2017 GE.

”To see all those burning dumpsters clustered under the current name of our country keeps me awake at night,” A. Disaster Socialist also enthused, “this just confirms the wisdom of our immortal leader’s backing for the hard right agenda of a jobs first Brexit. Once the middle classes are also eating out of the bins later this year, the people will rise and the red flag will fly over Buckingham Palace where it belongs. And naturally where our president for life will shepherd the flock from.”

But it’s not all plaudits for the new scoring system.

”It’s not exactly an exhaustive chart,” our professional nitpicker commented, “it only involves developed, industrialised countries not subject to physical proxy wars,

”And importantly, there doesn’t appear to be space to get more burning dumpsters under the U.K. and properly record what will clearly be a succession of new high scores as we move into the possibilities afforded by a post Brexit Britannia.”

But we poo poo the killjoys and demand the government arrange a festival of Brexit for the late evening of the 29th March. No transition. No Article 50 extension. Just complete and total country size dumpster fire. Only then can we deal with the EU as equals.

After all, they’ll give us what we demand, or we’ll set even more of ourselves on fire!

Woman to remove foreign language book from local library to celebrate World Book Day

A little english public servant, first noted for her outreach work with immigrant communities in the UK, and now for her pivotal role in the Brexit negotiations, is to celebrate World Book Day by removing a foreign language book from her local library.

The removal will be done as part of a media exercise at a Maidenhead library and broadcast across the Channel.

“The broadcast is a way of showing the EU how serious she is about achieving her aims in the negotiations, whether or not the EU knows we are still negotiating,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “if they want famous French books to stay in the libraries we haven’t yet closed, then they bet start talking turkey.”

But scandal has already overwhelmed the ceremony, while it is still in the final stages of planning.

“Some are complaining that she was supposed to be removing ‘Crime and Punishment’ by Dostoyevsky as a way of showing the Russians they can’t meddle in our affairs,” the aide continued, “but some said that choosing that psychoanalytical study of how a man becomes a criminal as a target to thumb our nose eastwards is missing the point of the book entirely. I personally thought it was a good choice. Crime and punishment don’t go together under this Conservative government, especially if it’s politicians alleged to have engaged in electoral crime. But I was over ruled.”

We at LCD Views would like to commend the choice of a French book as it shows Brussels what we intend for the future of the country. A country that only needs to speak English because that’s all the world speaks.

Our only quibble is that it’s an English translation she is removing because removing one in the original French would have been more fitting, although admittedly more pointless, given only half of dozen of us possess the skills to read it.

Defence Secretary to put his privates on parade to gain attention

The UK’s Defence Secretary, Gavin ‘blowback’ Williamson, has announced he is to put his privates on parade.

”I’m just so feckin’ desperate for someone to look at me!” someone claiming to be the former fireplace salesman phoned up to say,

“I’ve tried starting a naval war with China because I didn’t realise we got rid of all of our ships! I’ve tried having verbals with the Kremlin but then they started releasing all my former transgressions to the press! I’ve got to pause for breath! Hang on.”

(heavy breathing down the line and the sound of a paper bag being exhaled into)

”I’ve threatened to put tanks on the streets to stop knife crime. A bloody big tank shell into the backside of a hoodie will do it! Buy us dozens of votes in the shires! But people just laughed at me and looked away again. Hang on!”

(sound of sobbing down the line)

”Don’t people know I own a bloody spider that I keep in a tank? I got it an antique leopard tank for Christmas, but now I’m scared to go in there! Hang on.”

(sound of furious head scratching on the line)

”So now I’m going to put my privates on display down Pall Mall! That’ll get me a bloody headline!”

Quite what army chiefs will think about this is anybody’s guess.

”I just want to be taken seriously! I just want to push Boris out of the headlines. Look at me! Somebody take me seriously! I’m a lethal weapon! Write headlines about me! Here! Look at my privates! These privates you’re looking at qualify me to be prime minister as soon as May gets out of line!”

Well, he’s definitely a weapon of one kind. But perhaps not the kind he has in mind.

“The U.K. is just going outside the EU and maybe some time” draft of May’s speech for March 29th leaked online

Downing Street continues in its perpetual state of terrified lockdown today after a first draft of Prime Minister Theresa May’s speech for March 29th was leaked online.

”Was it leaked on a fishing line? A washing line? A single tweet online? In a song line? Once we have the answer to that we’ll be able to find the leak,” a Downing Street insider told us, “then we just have to confirm if it was a homophone leek, a plumbing leak, a leaky roof leek or a toilet one. But we’ll find the traitor.”

But while some choose to mock our executive for the endless calamity in government, and unfairly point the finger at pinning their entire policy strategy on lies, we here at LCD Views commend their sense of historical moment.

“The U.K. is just going outside and maybe some time?” Our Office tub thumper commented, “it’s a stroke of genius. It will embolden the Brexit naysayers, the remoaners, to realise they also have to make sacrifices to deliver Brexit on time.”

And by referencing a famous historical disaster that led to the loss of all hands, people will know they are living in a moment where they fulfill a destiny they only half planned for.

”It shows the true grit and nobility of the British character hasn’t diminished over time,” Our tub thumper added, “and study of the gigantic and apparently unstoppable catastrofuck that is Brexit will allow the next country to exit the EU to succeed,

”Really everyone should be applauding the government, and their friends on the opposition benches, for ignoring all evidence to the contrary that we shouldn’t be stepping out on the ice alone, now or at any other time.”

Government applies for IMF loan after Chris Grayling gets email from Nigerian prince

The UK government has the begging bowl out well and truly this morning with the breaking, and broken, news that it has applied to the IMF for an emergency loan.

“This was completely foreseeable,” Chancellor Philip Hammond phoned up to tell us (from wherever he hides out waiting for life after Brexit),

“I just want my life back. I just want to be able to count money in peace, mine and everyone else’s. I don’t want to be dragged into politics. Right now I’m supposed to be working on a fantasy novel, called the “Spring Budget”, not running off to the IMF with my hat in my hands!”

But running off to the IMF today he is after some idiot left Chris Grayling unsupervised with the UK’s finances.

”It’s one of those modern office wheezes,” Hammond explained, “where you get everyone to do everyone else’s job for a day. They should have known letting Grayling open the treasury’s emails was going to end in disaster! Look what happened after they allowed that screaming fool pretend to be PM at No 10!”

But it seems allow Grayling to open the treasury’s emails they have.

”Why he opened only the emails marked ‘spam’ I can’t tell you,” Hammond fizzed, “and why after opening one claiming to be from a Nigerian prince he did what it instructed? Well, you tell me!”

Probably because he’s exceptionally gifted at losing taxpayer money via easily foreseeable and terrible decisions? And should have been sacked a long time ago?

”That’s on the money. But don’t ask me to say it publicly and don’t tell anyone where you found me!”

Mr Hammond, most invisible chancellor since the beginning of time, thank you for your time.

“And I’m still waiting for that fruits of the sea pizza to arrive that he promised to order for me!”

“Can I milk a cat?” Government readies resourceful Britons for Brexit with informercial

The entire machinery of government is now focused on preparing Britons for life outside of the European Union, and to celebrate the coming departure from common sense a series of informercials are shortly to be released.

“Can I milk a cat?” is to premiere over the weekend, with the BBC devoting the entirety of BBC 2’s weekend scheduling to this film and many others.

“It’s incredibly exciting,” a Downing Street aide told us, “we’ve been brainstorming up a storm for weeks. Clearly the supplies of some day to day items maybe impacted by the traitorous adherence to international rules by EU27 countries, but Britons are resourceful and we will overcome.”

As part of the series Britons will not only learn how to successfully restrain and milk felines, they will also learn how to make bread from items found on the street.

“The gutters and pavements are a resource long ignored by Britons too busy preparing the bunting for what’s to come,” the aide continued, “just imagine the pride you will feel in your children’s accomplishments when they successfully repair a window broken in rioting with empty soda cans?”

“Should I eat my neighbour’s pets first or my own?” will also be shown, as part of encouraging community cohesion as we take the great leap forward.

“Do I call on my elderly neighbours even if I know they may ask for help to put out the burning car that’s crashed in their front yard?” will be followed by “Medieval medicine revisited and how you can make a success of leeching”.

It’s an exciting time to be alive Global Britons. And yes, you can milk a cat, but only if you’re willing to endure the scratches.

“No pain, no gain,” the aide reassures, “and for predatory capitalists waiting to buy your home out from under you during the post Brexit crash, there’s a lot to gain from your pain.”

MP for 19th century says refighting the Boer War will cure rickets in the poor

“I think you would find that for the very poorest children experiencing military combat at an early age, they will find it rather uplifting,” Hacob Reeks-smogg, MP for the 19th century, told LCD Views (well, we think he did, he spoke only in porcine latin and we had to translate),

“one could simply refight the Boer War. I would suggest also the Opium Wars, as there is more than sufficient sunshine in the Orient, but my colleague Gavin Williamson appears to already have that in hand,

“I trust Ms May to have her eye on a total conquest of the Hindu Kush, which even in winter has sufficient sunlight, due to the elevation of the mountains. Once conquered, newly subject territories will be more than ready to sign a free trade deal. Thus eliminating the need for any further negotiations with the tyranny in Brussels.”

The MP was speaking after the publication of a Huffpost article which addressed the growing problem of the return of 19th century diseases in 21st century Britain.

“You should link to the Huffpost article at the end of your exhaustive examination of my diatribe. That way your readers can see how effective in changing living standards, for the most vulnerable, nine years of Conservative rule has been.”

While refighting the Boer War may initially seem controversial, LCD Views has it on good authority that there is still sufficient mineral wealth in southern Africa to ensure the enterprise pays for itself in the long run.

“It would also address the issue of insufficient carpentry skills in the indigenous English population,” JRM continued,

“once enough young fellows from the slums of London have strengthened their bones with days in the sunshine and meals of antelope, they can set to work building humanitarian camps for the relief of the local population, who will be only too willing to move house and experience the civilising touch of Brexit Britain in their previously wilderness homeland. As was the case in the earlier Boer War, as I explained on the television recently.”

This is genius. It will also help with the social cleansing of London estates and end the need for food banks.

“Imagine the espirit de corps amongst the poor? It’s, if you don’t mind me saying so, a good colonial war will be a cure all. Pith helmets for all. Veni, Vidi, Bonorum meorum non movetur ad Dublin ante bellum.”

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/rickets-symptoms-and-treatment_uk_5c751e8ae4b0bf16620310a8

 

Jeremy Hunt evidence that throwing money at education doesn’t work

LCD Views can report whoever is currently education secretary faces an ever steeper, uphill battle for more school funding today after Jeremy Hunt opened his mouth yesterday.

Speaking in Slovenia, at the end of a flying visit to attempt to persuade the Slovenians to force the German car industry into action on Brexit, Mr Hunt put both feet right into it and insulted his hosts.

“He did so with a flair that puts him hard in the running to scoop the Boris Johnson Award for International Relations 2019,” chairman of the award committee, Boris Johnson, told us, before racing off to bag a young blonde.

With his glaring ignorance of Slovenian history, while attempting a backhanded compliment to show the British are superior, Hunt is certainly well placed, alongside other front runners such as Grayling and Williamson.

But it’s not all clapping, the usual suspects have instantly criticised Jeremy Hunt for carrying on Award chairman Johnson’s job of making the U.K. a feckin’ laughing stock, still, colleagues within the Tory chumocracy have stepped up to defend Hunt.

”See! Look at how much money they threw at Old Chunt’s education thing,” Tory MP for Ban-on-Enticement, Sir Kno Hope, cried,

“Bally lot of good that did. He clearly skipped modern European history. So did I! Ha! Stayed back in the feudal period when peasants knew their bally place. No point spending money on state schools when you can funnel state money into offshore bank accounts and rule like it’s the early 14th century again. I didn’t even need my own expensive school to know that, just had to be born into the right family!”

It should be noted too that Mr Hunt’s comments also place him to win the Jacob Rees-mogg History award.

”And the new Giles Fraser award for public stupidity! Which I’m now on the board of. What a load of total Jeremy’s Global Britain must seem.”

“Don’t you know we won the war?” senior Tory to school Japanese gov over Honda closure

LCD Views can report that senior Tories are putting their names in a hat today in the hope of being the one chosen to talk to the Japanese, sternly, in whatever passes for diplomatic English nowadays.

”We will have to talk SLOWLY and LOUDLY,” an aide at the Department for International Trade said,

“as they’ve clearly not being paying attention the last few years, since Liam Fox started bagging air miles and talking of the opportunities that will come with Brexit. Which seem to be mostly expensive holidays for Liam Fox under the pretence of work. I wonder if a friend is going along? Anyway, cars are big today. They’ll be even bigger tomorrow.”

So why the reluctance on the part of the Japanese to continue to invest in the U.K. after Brexit? Is it related to the analysis they did after the ref result which realised it’ll be pointless?

”No. It’s a complete bloody mystery. It’s definitely not them following through on what they said they’d do if the U.K. opted for economic suicide. How anyone could be so blind to opportunity and obstinate. The Japanese are supposed to have a reputation as shrewd businessmen? They certainly seemed like they were when we were part of negotiating the EU-Japan FTA. Well, their reputation is taking a battering inside the DIT. I don’t mind telling you!”

While Liam Fox is clearly hoping to be the one to put the wellie in, it’s possible it maybe Jeremy Hunt, given that he is technically Foreign Secretary.

”That’s causing a bit of an issue over the rules for who gets to put their names in the hat,” the aide revealed, “as both Liam and Jeremy have already written to the Japanese in the last week and cheesed them off. It’s someone else’s turn. Probably not Boris. F Honda? While stout, it’s not a long enough dressing down. And he insults Johnny Foreigner at will anyway, like it’s his hobby.”

What about having the Tory MP for Swindon doing it? After all the Honda plant closure directly impacts his constituents. People he’s been reassuring there was nothing to worry about for years. Save time.

”The Tory MP for…maybe. What’s his name?”

We’ll have to google it. Oh hang on.

”What?”

This will cause some strife. It seems he’s got on the front foot and gone and done it.

”He probably didn’t hear about the names in the hat. What’s he said?”

Here, this is a hot take,

“There’s no need to go kamikaze,” Tory MP for Swindon, whatever his name is, is believed to have informed the Japanese today,

“I don’t mind reminding you either, that we won the war. And reminding foreigners of that over seventy years since is a key plank of Conservative electoral and foreign policy. Now about this idea you’ve got in your heads to have your rising sun set over Swindon. This is just not on. As a representative of the country that won the war, I have to inform you I…”

That oughta do it.