Global Britain begins exporting anyone maybe not born in Britain to the globe

Millions of tourists and people who suffer admin screw ups between the Home Office and the country’s banks are to be gifted free trips to their real homes this year thanks to new Home Office rules forcing banks to perform immigration status checks.

“This is a golden opportunity to mismanage documents and kick out all the benefit scroungers,” Fayda Jansen, patriot, told LCD Views.

“When I got this job at my local bank branch I was pretty bummed out. It meant less time fighting for Britain by spam sharing factually based, patriot posts on social media. Which is my true calling.

But now, if someone who isn’t white and so doesn’t have a right to be on English soil comes up to the counter I can just shred their paperwork and book them a seat on Southern’s new Deporting You First, cross channel train service.

I now love the Home Office.”

But critics of the scheme have hit back.

“The Home Office has already announced it’s closing the Chunnel and turning it into a mushroom farm.

If the government u turns on this promise to keep it open to deport illegal humans, who by the way, shouldn’t be here in the first place if they can afford the buffet car prices on their journey home, how are they going to get them out?

No English boat is going to be free to do it. They’ll all be patrolling BRITISH WATERS as part of the Border Volunteer Force. It’s not thought through.”

Another critic, speaking for a human rights organisation, was similarly unimpressed,

“Okay, this is clearly racist, in intent, which fits with Brexit Britain. Is clearly open to abuse. Is a clear data privacy risk. Is going to discriminate against elderly and poorer people who may not have all the documents needed to hand, and so will be stuffed while they sort things out, and to top it all off, they’re going to put forced to use Southern.”

But Christopher Greylimb, government minister responsible for awarding the plumb contract to Southern defended the scheme.

“We’re caring Conservatives,” he said with a dead eye and a weasel’s smile.

But LCD Views is not convinced.

We’re concerned this is more evidence that Global Britain means deporting anyone not born in Britain, or who hasn’t the paperwork to prove it, to anywhere else on the globe.

Just maybe, maybe, it’s another change under May’s loving reign that makes us a teeny, weeny bit racist…

Londoners urged ‘don’t pour bottles of wee you’ve stored to throw at Trump down the drain all at once’

Thames Waterworks have asked LCD Views to issue an emergency public safety bulletin this morning, on the back of the alarming news that golden showerer in chief, Donald Trump, has called off his planned visit to the capital.

“This is a public safety announcement.

We urgently request all residents of London, and other areas, to not pour your individually collected gallons of piss, stored to throw at Trump, into the storm water drains and sewers all at once,” the bulletin request begins,

“The creaking infrastructure of the capital, and other areas, will be unable to cope with the sheer quantity of yellow liquid and we fear the streets of London, and other areas, being paved with your liquid gold.”

Please take note, this is not the result of privatisation and under investment of the water services.

It is the result of WW2 bomb damage to the infrastructure of the capital, and other areas.

“We ask that you continue to store your liquids safely in neat, well capped, rows in your backyards, out of the reach of boys, and girls, and pets, and drunks.”

Apparently the MoD has expressed interest in collecting the slowly crystallising liquids too.

“As part of Great Britain’s advance into the future we will once again be collecting household urine for the manufacture of gunpowder.”

This is to properly arm the militias Farage intends to set up should Brexit not occur, or even if it does.

“Please be patient at this time of increased demand on the service in London, and other areas.”

You know those leaks in the roads and pavements that occur frequently and take weeks to repair?

You don’t want fountains of wee sparkling in the sunlight on your street.

“This is a public health danger, much like Trump,” the bulletin ends, “and besides, he may still visit later in the year. So keep your powder dry, or wet, to throw another day.”

The end.

David Davis insists that the EU pays for the wall he wants to build half way across the English channel

David Davis is expected to announce this key policy during the second phase of Brexit talks. Echoing Donald Trump’s pledge to build a border wall with Mexico, Davis now wants a wall along the British border with the EU.

“We will build this wall, and the EU will pay,” Davis claimed at a press conference earlier today. “It’s their fault entirely. We were quite happy to prop up their crumbling regime, until they started nagging us about bendy bananas and employment rights and other such trivia. They drove us away, so they have to pay!”

LCD’s Walking On Water correspondent asked how this would be achieved. “Simple, all you need is a willing team of brickies from Eastern Europe,” replied Davis. “They can build it on their way out.”

But, the English channel is made of water, our correspondent insisted. “The wall will float, like a castle in the air,” countered Davis. “It will be both strong and stable. That’s what Brexit is all about.”

What about shipping? “British ships will use the British side, and foreign ships will use the foreign side,” said Davis. “It’s that simple. There will be no need to actually cross the channel after we leave the EU for good.”

Further plans regarding the wall were revealed. On the British side, a mural of great wartime victories, Winston Churchill, the Queen and the Union Jack will be painted. This is designed to encourage any feeble-minded souls who erroneously think of leaving Britain. Naturally, the skips and the building rubble will be on the foreign side.

To celebrate the grand opening of the wall, the remaining members of Pink Floyd have been contacted, requesting that they reform to perform The Wall, their joyous celebration of Global Britain. This has been met with a unanimous silence. Fortunately, David Davis remarked “I have a cassette of The Wall at home somewhere, I’ll see if I can dig it out.”

Pink Floyd would have been frogmarched to the border and denied re-entry for treason, except for the fact that they are all far too rich.

We contacted the EU’s Construction Department to comment on Davis’ initiative. Much was lost in translation, but the gist was “good luck with that, mate.”

Nintendo launch Pokemon Tory Membership edition as members getting hard to find

Game specialists Nintendo have launched a special sequel to their smash hit game ‘Pokemon Bro’ in reaction to the withering Conservative Party membership in the U.K.

“Pokemon Tory Membership will allow players to walk around their local area searching for Conservative Party members. The more active the member captured, the more points scored.”

It’s believed the launch date was initially pencilled in for after the local council elections in major metropolitan areas, but the release date has been brought forward.

“We’re worried if we wait until after the May elections there won’t be any members to find in major city centres at all, except for at the House of Commons, but players may have trouble gaining access to the palace if they aren’t press or work for elected MPs.”

Concerns have been raised though that take up of the special edition will still be sluggish.

“Would you want your friends to see you’d spent all day tracking down Conservative Party members and catching them on your phone?” LCD Video and Pinball specialist Reg Ular asked.

“Most game players are young. I can’t see them boasting to their mates about going out looking for Tories.”

But the special committee set up by the Conservative Party to brainstorm ideas about how to attract younger voters was more up for it.

“We were going to push for a version of the classic card game Snap, only all the pictures would be pairs of benefit cheats, overpriced studio apartments, tax havens, NHS services for sale, that sort of thing, but this sounds way more hip. This will totally build on stripping away membership of the EU and all the rights that go with it. Young Tories are fiercely patriotic.”

Anyone who does play the game is asked to be careful when catching a card carrying Tory as many have fragile hips, the average Conservative Party member age now being over seventy.

“If they’re younger, they’re likely to be completely, Patrick Bateman level unhinged, and will need distracting by laying out a line of Thatcher collector cards first,” Reg Ular advises,

“the best idea is to shout into the game’s voice function ‘economic migrant’, or ‘overseas development aid’, as that will immediately freeze most with rage and you can just bag them and keep moving.”

It’s not an NHS crisis if you planned to put the NHS in crisis say people who planned the NHS crisis

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rupert Murdoch, has phoned Theresa May and ordered her to see to it that “there’s a great, big farking queue of meat wagons all along Downing Street” to show the people of the U.K. that the NHS is not in crisis.

“This will reassure everyone,” said Handoncock, an aide to deputy PM Theresa May, “if we can spare thirty or forty ambulances, with crews, to sit empty on Downing Street, then there can’t be an NHS crisis, can there? This is all going exactly to plan.”

It’s believed the emergency measure will last until the first day of spring and there are plans to expand the new system.

“We are thinking of placing medical staff inside 10 Downing Street in a A&E department where they will treat visitors to the deputy PM’s office.”

This will inject a bit of much needed fun into the health service.

“Critics have been complaining for some time now that the NHS is too serious and lacks the sort of real life fun you can find on a private island owned by the kind of billionaire that likes to sue the national health service for millions when they miss out on a contract.”

The range of ailments the ‘NHS for fun’ department will treat has been described as ambitious.

“Boris, Gove, Davis, they all need plastic surgery on their noses. Most cabinet ministers can’t fit through normal doorways now, their noses are so long. Others have burnt buttocks from pants fires.”

Damien Green has also expressed support for the measure, in the hope of receiving much needed eye treatment for a mysterious ailment that seems to strike whenever he is alone with his taxpayer funded laptop.

But what about the deputy PM? What would she seek treatment for?

“Tin man syndrome,” Handoncock advises, “she watches the Wizard of Oz constantly in the hope of learning how to get a heart. But she never makes it all the way to the end as I always turn it off because I don’t want a cure for my own cardiac condition because everything is going to plan. Here, how would you like to pay for your minor surgery today? Card or loan?”

Rail users shed Christmas pounds fastest thanks to arm and leg fare increases

Transport Secretary Chris “Goose” Grayling was at risk of treading on the toes of Health Secretary Jeremy “rhymes” Hunt today with the Goose launching a Christmas pound shredder initiative on Britain’s railways.

“These fare increases will cost all rail users an arm and leg,” the Goose honked merrily, “more than sufficient to lose any additional pounds picked up over the Christmas feasting season.”

It’s believed the record busting 3.6% fare increase should also help reduce overcrowding on popular lines.

“Once the average commuter gives up on any hope of affordable rail travel, such as they experience in those European backwaters like Germany and France, they buy cars on credit.

This will be a boost to British car manufacturing and money lending.

Well, at least until our plan to pull the UK out of the customs union forces firms to relocate manufacturing to the continent.”

It’s believed other initiatives being put forward involve an actual tie up with the NHS that Hunt will see as a boon.

“We are considering blood bank carriages,” Goose mused, “a simple plan where volunteers will man carriages that will collect and weigh blood from prescreened, approved donor commuters in lieu of their rail fare.”

Once a private contractor can be found to store and sell the blood to the NHS trials of the scheme will begin, hopefully in the spring.

“Forgotten your season ticket or Oyster card? Left your wallet at home? Spent too long queuing for food that you missed your third gig zero hours contract job for the day? No problem, let us open a vein. You can still pay!”

It is hoped though, before Grayling gets that far with his plans, that politically his goose will be cooked.

“If only someone could discover an industrialised country where trains were run affordably and on time? Where it was run for the common good and had a positive boost to worker productivity, rather than being a drain only designed to enrich a small percent?”

Now he’s just talking crazy.

Pack your bag. Mark the limb you are using to pay with permanent pen and catch your train to work. Oh, and take that book you didn’t finish reading over Christmas too, you may well get a chance to finish it during a delay today!

Support grows for unification of north and south London in face of Brexit chaos

LCD Views’ embedded Metropolitan Bubble correspondent can report alarming news of consensus building for unification of London in the face of Brexit chaos.

“I believe in unions,” S. Arf told LCD, “unions of nations that form countries and unions of countries that form unions, if people are talking about shared interests they are less likely to fight.

But I’ve always resisted any attempt to make me think people who live north of the Thames aren’t weird toffs and I should consider myself in a geopolitical union with them.

But Brexit? That’s changed everything.”

It’s believed the change is a result of realising just how much in common people living on both sides of the river share.

Both like having passports that allow them to leave England (it’s rumoured this trait exists in other regions, but no one has gone to check for sure) and both are starting to think the north of England should have to put up with the Houses of Parliament for a few years.

At least until they realise just how much London has taken it on the chin for them since 1066, with the exception of the harrying of the north.

Oh, and that blip in relations under Thatcher.

“I always thought south of the Thames was just drug dealers, unemployed musicians and really poor people,” N Oorth revealed, “but I’m having to reconsider.

Migrations from the north to the south may have changed the demographics enough for me to one day consider going further south than Festival Hall.”

Numerous pressure groups have sprung up to give public voice to the desire to bring London together and make a success of the possibilities provided by Brexit.

“If we get north and south Londoners to accept they live in the same city and should work together than we may well be able to get them to build a wall around the capital and secede from the United Kingdom before March 2019.

If we can do that it will mean there’s still a point in having a Eurostar terminal at St Pancras after Brexit.

Actually if we can do that we should probably think about uniting England too. But one step at a time.”

Rumours have been circulating that the mayor of London is intending to build a wall of affordable homes in a ring around the city. This is to keep out foragers from outlying regions when the post Brexit famine occurs with the collapse in farming, after withdrawal of EU subs.

“If we do secede and declare ourselves an independent nation state we should make it clear we’re leaving the United Kingdom, we’re not leaving England, well, not until we can work out how to physically separate the land under London from the peninsula that joins it to Watford.

That’s the start of the “north”, isn’t it?” N. Oorth added.

Economists have warned though that if London leaves the U.K. it will necessitate a hard customs border between London and the rest of England.

Also, that before London acts unilaterally to cut itself off from Brexiters, it should ask if any other regions want to go into union with it, even if that means envoys (maybe hostages) will need to be exchanged.

“We’ve a solution for that,” N Oorth reassured, “we’ll solve it like Westminster has solved the border issue between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

We’ll pretend it isn’t happening whilst simultaneously kicking it into the long grass and hoping no one talks about it again.”

Royal yacht Boaty McBoatface commissioned to commemorate the advent of Global Britain

The best way to celebrate Global Britain is to commission a new royal yacht, the government has decided. The new ship will be named Boaty McBoatface.

“It’s the will of the people,” said a spokesman for DExEU. “No notion, however ridiculous, can be abandoned if the people have spoken. Brexit means Brexit, and Boaty means Boaty. The new yacht will act as a charm offensive for the fantastic trade deals just over the horizon.”

The increasingly hapless David Davis was unavailable for comment, as he was rumoured to be trying to believe six impossible things before breakfast.

LCD’s Monumental Maritime Matters Correspondent consulted a shipping specialist for a second opinion. “The new yacht will drain the country’s resources for no tangible gain,” said Experty McExpertface. “The ship will not be allowed out of UK waters, under the terms of a hard Brexit. So, unless we are trying to forge trade deals with the Isle of Wight, it is totally useless. Not even if the Queen holds a blue passport.”

McExpertface further revealed that Boaty was leaking, quite seriously, below the waterline. “It’s a metaphor for both Brexit and British workmanship,” he said. ”Although the likelihood is that the leak was caused deliberately by a disgruntled migrant worker on less than the minimum wage.”

According to a recent interview in Shrub And Bush magazine, Prince Charles opined that Her Majesty would probably use Boaty for her annual cruise on the Norfolk Broads. Charles was quoted as saying, “Of course, one is not bothered one way or the other.  One would rather spend one’s holidays in Cornwall with one’s aspidistras.”

Other royals were equally unimpressed. “I couldn’t give a hoot, I’m too busy pushing out sprogs!” said Catherine Cambridge. “Sod orff!” said a representative of the Palace. “What’s a yacht?”asked Meghan McMarkleface.

An unwanted, expensive, useless white elephant? What’s not to love?

MOD ordered to replace all rifles with long bows by 2019

The Ministry of Defence has joined in the festival of proper British sovereignty regained with the announcement that all rifles will be replaced by longbows by 2019.

“We all know how terrified the French are of our famous English longbows,” Mr T. Off, Conservakip MP, junior minister at the MOD, advised LCD’s busy defence correspondent.

“And the return of such a powerful symbol of English military power will give us the edge once we engage in prosecco focused tariff wars with the largest trading bloc on Earth.”

It’s believed the French are still so traumatised by the exploits of Henry V, before he died of the runs, that they will lobby the Germans to give us all we want in the negotiations centred on leaving as many British pensioners as possible resident in the Costa del Sol.

“The Spanish will quake too,” Mr T. suggested, “if they start kicking off over Gibraltar we’ll set a frigate on fire and send it into the harbour at Malaga.”

This is seen as British exceptionalism at its best, especially given the demands of austerity mean that the navy is soon to de-commission its frigates and replace them with a group of angry people on the shore shouting about forriners.

A defence spokesman for Labour endorsed the plan, “English craftsmen fashioning traditional English items by hand? What’s not to like. Once we seize power and drive the entire service economy into the sea, because of our adherence to the outdated doctrines of Lexit, which have paid no attention to all the rights the EU have enshrined in law, handicrafts will replace pretty much all of British industry anyway. I’m personally going to live in a damp wattle hut until I get trench foot.”

Asked about the increased military threat of deluded English nationalists holding longbows after Brexit, the EU commented,

“No one was stopping you arming yourselves with longbows, the decision to adopt rifles was an English decision, if not a Scottish or Northern Irish one. You are welcome to go back in time as far as you like.

We expect to clean the bones of your economy if we can get in before the Americans and the Chinese in the devalued U.K. plc asset stripping orgy that is to come.”

Children will soon be expected to miss each Monday to practise with the longbows while singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory”.

This is showing great foresight, as it will give them the edge once the food riots begin.

Blue passport can only be used to travel to blue countries

The latest implication of the new post-Brexit blue passport can now be revealed. A blue cover entitles true-blue Brits to travel to other blue countries.

Seeking clarification, LCD’s Colour Of Legal Documents correspondent contacted 10 Downing Street. They issued a highly detailed document. Hidden amid paragraph after paragraph of self-justification and obfuscation, a few nuggets of hard information could be found.

“Blue countries means Blue countries.” “Blue represents the hardest Brexit possible.” “All truly representative political parties are associated with the colour blue.” “Blue is the colour, football is the game.” “A blue hat for a blue day.”

So that’s all clear then. We telephoned Labour HQ for their response, and received the following message. “Blue countries? Hang on a mo. you’re joking!… what, really? Oh… what did Number 10 say?… Yeah, that. What they said.” At that the line went dead.

It was a similar story with other political parties. The LibDems, after 15 minutes of valiant hand-wringing, offered nothing more. All the members of UKIP were down the pub celebrating their great victory, although one did claim to be my very best friend before collapsing on the floor.

Professor of Geography Easton Hemisphere had an alternative take on the news. “Traditionally, a political map of the world uses four colours,” stated Prof Hemisphere. “So the new passport will take you to any country traditionally coloured blue.”

All well and good, but isn’t Great Britain traditionally shown in pink? “Yeah, but you don’t think anyone will actually use it, do you?” retorted Prof Hemisphere. “That’s the big secret, a blue passport won’t even be valid in this country! Nor any other, as blue wasn’t generally used! Ha ha!”

We suspect that Prof Hemisphere has allowed himself a degree of latitude in his analysis, although it makes no less sense than Blue countries means Blue countries.

The Smurfs are said to be fearing an influx of holidaying Brits.