Category: Global Britain

LCD Views can report whoever is currently education secretary faces an ever steeper, uphill battle for more school funding today after Jeremy Hunt opened his mouth yesterday.

Speaking in Slovenia, at the end of a flying visit to attempt to persuade the Slovenians to force the German car industry into action on Brexit, Mr Hunt put both feet right into it and insulted his hosts.

“He did so with a flair that puts him hard in the running to scoop the Boris Johnson Award for International Relations 2019,” chairman of the award committee, Boris Johnson, told us, before racing off to bag a young blonde.

With his glaring ignorance of Slovenian history, while attempting a backhanded compliment to show the British are superior, Hunt is certainly well placed, alongside other front runners such as Grayling and Williamson.

But it’s not all clapping, the usual suspects have instantly criticised Jeremy Hunt for carrying on Award chairman Johnson’s job of making the U.K. a feckin’ laughing stock, still, colleagues within the Tory chumocracy have stepped up to defend Hunt.

”See! Look at how much money they threw at Old Chunt’s education thing,” Tory MP for Ban-on-Enticement, Sir Kno Hope, cried,

“Bally lot of good that did. He clearly skipped modern European history. So did I! Ha! Stayed back in the feudal period when peasants knew their bally place. No point spending money on state schools when you can funnel state money into offshore bank accounts and rule like it’s the early 14th century again. I didn’t even need my own expensive school to know that, just had to be born into the right family!”

It should be noted too that Mr Hunt’s comments also place him to win the Jacob Rees-mogg History award.

”And the new Giles Fraser award for public stupidity! Which I’m now on the board of. What a load of total Jeremy’s Global Britain must seem.”

LCD Views can report that senior Tories are putting their names in a hat today in the hope of being the one chosen to talk to the Japanese, sternly, in whatever passes for diplomatic English nowadays.

”We will have to talk SLOWLY and LOUDLY,” an aide at the Department for International Trade said,

“as they’ve clearly not being paying attention the last few years, since Liam Fox started bagging air miles and talking of the opportunities that will come with Brexit. Which seem to be mostly expensive holidays for Liam Fox under the pretence of work. I wonder if a friend is going along? Anyway, cars are big today. They’ll be even bigger tomorrow.”

So why the reluctance on the part of the Japanese to continue to invest in the U.K. after Brexit? Is it related to the analysis they did after the ref result which realised it’ll be pointless?

”No. It’s a complete bloody mystery. It’s definitely not them following through on what they said they’d do if the U.K. opted for economic suicide. How anyone could be so blind to opportunity and obstinate. The Japanese are supposed to have a reputation as shrewd businessmen? They certainly seemed like they were when we were part of negotiating the EU-Japan FTA. Well, their reputation is taking a battering inside the DIT. I don’t mind telling you!”

While Liam Fox is clearly hoping to be the one to put the wellie in, it’s possible it maybe Jeremy Hunt, given that he is technically Foreign Secretary.

”That’s causing a bit of an issue over the rules for who gets to put their names in the hat,” the aide revealed, “as both Liam and Jeremy have already written to the Japanese in the last week and cheesed them off. It’s someone else’s turn. Probably not Boris. F Honda? While stout, it’s not a long enough dressing down. And he insults Johnny Foreigner at will anyway, like it’s his hobby.”

What about having the Tory MP for Swindon doing it? After all the Honda plant closure directly impacts his constituents. People he’s been reassuring there was nothing to worry about for years. Save time.

”The Tory MP for…maybe. What’s his name?”

We’ll have to google it. Oh hang on.

”What?”

This will cause some strife. It seems he’s got on the front foot and gone and done it.

”He probably didn’t hear about the names in the hat. What’s he said?”

Here, this is a hot take,

“There’s no need to go kamikaze,” Tory MP for Swindon, whatever his name is, is believed to have informed the Japanese today,

“I don’t mind reminding you either, that we won the war. And reminding foreigners of that over seventy years since is a key plank of Conservative electoral and foreign policy. Now about this idea you’ve got in your heads to have your rising sun set over Swindon. This is just not on. As a representative of the country that won the war, I have to inform you I…”

That oughta do it.

LCD Views believe it is important that everyone understands the motivations of the filthy rich Brexiters quitting the UK personally, or moving their businesses out, setting up overseas subs etc, before Brexit are only doing it out of a driving humanitarian feeling that is irresistible.

“I can’t help it,” Mr Pig Trough told us, “when I think of all those people who are needlessly suffering through no mistake of their own, but an unfortunate combination of nature, nurture and the accident of birth, I just want to help. By moving assets out of the UK I make myself less of a burden on the state, which can then focus more on the little people. Really focus on them. Work out exactly what is left in their pocket and what to do about it.”

The little people will clearly not be quitting the UK, either assets wise or personally, in great numbers relatively speaking, but be here to ensure there is at least someone to tax once the state starts failing in earnest.

“We want you all to know we are your international champions,” Mr Crap Hoovers said, busily piling another load of jobs and tax revenue into a private jet, “from a secure base overseas in a region with bugger all employment rights and friendly tax rates, I can best pave a way forward for the UK to follow. That’s some plastic patriotism right there. And we all know plastic lasts a long time. So it must be good.”

The news that they are driven by altruism will help many.

“We’ll be sending you pictures of food too,” A Predator confirms, “just so you know what to look for when you’re rioting when the stockpile of spam is exhausted.”

Any advice for how best to share the Brexit dividend about, given you won’t be personally here to help?

“Imagine if the housing market crashes and people can’t afford to keep on with their mortgage? They won’t have a roof over their heads. I’ll buy the roof for them and then they can stay in their home, or one a little smaller some distance away.”

That’s comforting.

“And just be sure that once the UK is out of the EU then all those new anti-tax dodging initiatives won’t apply to you or me. That way I can keep more of what you earn, by way of privatising the last of the state owned services that you’ll still be paying tax to support, even afterwards. Funny how that works. We’ll be here for you, with our additional passports that are burgundy, well, at least in spirit.” 

Exciting news for people looking for what they’ll read during their spring holidays today with the release of British Secretary of Defence, Gav “I have a spider” Williamson’s new autobiography, “The Dumb One”.

“In the book I describe my journey from a spotty oik in the 1980’s protesting against Margaret Thatcher to Secretary of Defence, via selling fireplaces.”

The book, which is recommended to retail for one warship a tome, will certainly provide lots to mull over for students currently protesting climate change.

“Look, I was once critical of Margaret Thatcher, deeply critical. Then there was a watershed moment and the scales fell onto my eyes,” Williamson relates.

What was the watershed? Unless it’s a spoiler.

“Oh, it’s well known. I took an overdose of laxatives. It was a dark day. When I recovered I realised I had been seeing the world through clear specs and promptly smeared them.”

And that’s when you decided to become defence secretary?

“No. That’s when I decided to sell fireplaces,” Gav says, “the decision to attempt to bully one of the world’s major powers with gunboat diplomacy came later. Emphasis on the singular with the gunboat.”

So you’re saying anyone can take your journey?

“If you’ve the smarts to get into an argument with a hostile government and then tell them to go away and shut up, when they start leaking shameful details from your earlier life to the tabloids, then yes, anyone can.”

And what of the future? How will you help navigate the choppy waters the UK finds itself in now with international isolation and Brexit?

“I’ll be getting on a slow boat.”

Where to?

“Why China, where else? I’m taking my tarantula there personally.”

LCD Views can report that China has told the U.K. to f*ck off in no uncertain terms today after former fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson decided to reveal we have a ship.

”I’m on a boat!” Mr Williamson shouted at China, “I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”

Quite what China was expected to make of being threatened by a British warship in its waters (regardless of the rights and wrongs of what’s going on down there), given they still recall the Opium Wars, is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect the kakistocracy of public school boy and girl entitled, and ignorant prats currently governing Britain missed that bit of history, because someone was using them as a toast rack,” our international trade expert guessed.

In search of the deeper thinking behind his strategy, we approached a toilet stain for comment, believing it to be Mr Williamson. It simply repeated,

”I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”, as if it had invented maritime technology and its use in international brinkmanship.

“I suspect Gavin won’t be satisfied until he succeeds in getting someone to declare war on Global Britain,” our expert adds, “at which point he’ll scream a lot and then hide. He’s currently working down a list of traditional foes to cheese them off, and he will presumably move onto our allies next. I hear he’s thinking of threatening Canada with a land invasion.”

None of this bodes well for the prospects of Brexitannia, but Mr Williamson is apparently non-plussed, claiming his ultimate long game is for Global Britain to trade with itself only, so we always leave negotiations as victors.

Blazing good news for lovers of traditional British industries today with the announcement that the U.K. is to replace the departing car industry with the building of a Wicker Man.

”People keep focusing on the downsides of Brexit, even though they’re arent any,” Brexit Secretary Stephen “Doesn’t Know Foreigners’ Names” Barclay told us, “like the NHS stockpiling body bags for the famine this summer, and the car industry saying you can go f*ck yourself, we’re off, well here’s something everyone can applaud.”

The building of the giant Wicker Man is expected to be a total boon to the country’s wicker industry.

”Currently wicker growing is in recession, thanks to the EU,” Mr Barclay goes on, and on, “but after Brexit that will be British industry. I’d get shares now, before the industry produces its first unicorn.”

The construction of the iconic figure, with a cage inside to hold people who can’t be allowed to say what they know, will be done at a secret location.

”This is so the German car industry doesn’t steal the design,” Barclay trumpets, “we’re going to be the world leaders in this industry. Imagine if we can put wheels on them? Amazing.”

It’s not clear yet who will be chosen to be burned inside the figure but the Brexit Secretary has a twinkle in his eye.

”Everyone. But don’t tell anyone.”

Sixty five million people?

”Well, not that many clearly. The architects of Brexit from the Tory Party will be in France with their trotters up.”

And their Labour collaborators?

”Moscow I expect. Seumas is taking them sightseeing in the summer. But you’ll be here, because you won’t be rich enough to leave.”

F U Brexit. F U.

Theresa May has gone further to please the ERG this week than even Jeremy Corbyn with news out of Brussels suggesting the EU is now willing to risk a hard Brexit.

”It’s to stop Theresa May turning up every week driving everyone batshit crazy,” our Brussels correspondent says,

“if they can get the U.K. to crash out then that’s a way to remove her freedom of movement. It’s the only way to make her stop coming to Brussels.”

It’s understood the EU is also drafting new legislation to make it virtually impossible for British prime ministers to cross the channel after Brexit.

”This is seen as one of the greatest dangers of any Brexit but a total severance of all ties,” our correspondent adds,

“if there is any sort of deal between the U.K. and the EU once, or if, Brexit actually happens, then it’s never going to stop. It will consume entire careers. EU leaders would much rather be focusing on which of the states have governments already bought by dark money, like the UK’s, and working about how to deal with the rot, instead of having to entertain prime ministers from England for years demanding cakes they don’t deserve.”

Theresa May is expected to be surprised by the move by the EU to force the U.K. out with no deal.

”She expects them to save her bacon at the last moment,” our man shrugs and adds, “but to be frankish, everyone over here has had a gut full of British ham byproducts. They’d much rather May just stayed home from now on.”

Downing Street is wearing a hard hat, a hi viz vest and in a mood for some mega destruction today with a new scheme to prove to the bullies in Brussels that Brits are ready for a No Deal Brexit.

“We’re going to start systematically smashing everything up,” Mr Ian Pyrite (MP for Dark Money on Interests) told LCD Views, “we in the ERG feel it’s important to show the world that the chosen people of Global Britain can take anything we can throw at ourselves. That’s what Blitzing Britain for Brexit is all about.”

As part of the new initiative teams of angry pineapple vest kippers will start roaming the streets of Britain breaking whatever they like with complete impunity.

“You wait until you see Merkel’s face when she sees what we can do to ourselves and there’s nothing she can do about it,” Mr Pyrite said, “we’ve even a mind to have the RAF drop high explosives on the Palace of Westminster and St Paul’s cathedral. That’ll really wipe the smirk off Macron’s mug.”

The police will be under orders not to intervene in the destruction and even join in if they feel like it.

“Imagine coming home for the last time from the job you’ve just lost, a lost job in no way connected to Brexit, to find the windows in your home smashed, a big hole in the roof and your furniture on fire?” the ERG MP asks, “what will you do? You’ll find a pot in the rubble of your kitchen, piss into it and boil up a cup of tea on the fire. Europe doesn’t know what we’re made off.”

But the initiative, which has tentative backing from the Labour front bench, has come in for some criticism all the same.

“Labour would urge the government to only smash up “a” part of the UK, like the financial services and automotive sectors,” Keen Harmer MP said, his eyes retreating further into his skull each day as he tells himself the lie of Brexit is worth living for a reason he can no longer recall, “and as soon as the massive self harm project is complete we demand a GE so we can sweep to power over the smouldering ashes.”

Be ready Britain to show the world your blitz spirit, maybe even kick in your own front door and set fire to your own cat, just to show Junker you ain’t gonna take it!

Note to start – as Grayling is banned from travelling to Calais, we had to write what would happen if he did.

The French government declared a state of national emergency today after the Mr Bean of transport, Chris Grayling visited Calais.

“Instantly nothing worked anymore,” Mayor of Calais, Jean Luc de Mayor, told LCD Views, “it was like the touch of death to our infrastructure.”

It seems the incident occurred after Mr Grayling defied a direct order from the mayor banning him from even stepping foot in the vitally important transport hub.

”We’ve seen his work. His work is famous,” Jean Luc de Mayor told us, “you have a system you want broken you call Mister Grayling and viola! The whole show is kaput!”

Awareness of Mr Grayling’s form lead the mayor to issue the dictat preventing his presence at his port, but alas, it was no good.

”I knew he would plague my house, sacré bleu! So I did what I could. Had I known he would mistake the ban for an invitation I would have demanded the French Foreign Legion siege Dover to stop that buffoon from evening getting on his floating bus.”

Quite how order will be restored to Calais is anyone’s guess, with the focus of the French authorities now on finding and apprehending Mr Grayling before he moves deeper into the French network.

”Pizza ferry bus replacement pizza services at Calais are indeed a catastrophe,” The French Interior minister commented, “but what if Mr Grayling should happen to make contact with one of our nuclear power stations? Kapow! It will be a cheeseburger delivery service and our lights will go out.”

Whether or not Mr Grayling will succeed in reducing French infrastructure to the SNAFU of the UK’s only time will tell, but it’s just possible that in the depths of Downing Street tonight Theresa May is feeling she’s struck a blow against the EU by deploying one of the U.K.’s biggest weapons to France.

Global Britain is on the march (-ing powder) with the latest genius wheeze from the creators of open borders, no one ever said anything about controlling them Brexit U.K.

”When we said take back control of our borders we actually meant open ourselves up like the most clueless debutant at a coming out ball jammed full of vampyres looking for a neck to suck,” junior home Office Minister Mr Feckin’ Clueless told LCD Views,

“think of the bargains you’ll get on guns, drugs, cheap labour now we’ve introduced an honour system for Dover?

”I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before! Stocks in organised crime are already booming. Of course Brexit is organised crime, but now we’re opening up the opportunity to people who don’t have money in tax havens to cash in too. People who just want to have a good time and forget about how we’re shafting the country senseless.”

The new policy, which relies on trust from importers, is not only a boon for organised crime, but will mean cheaper nights out for all scallywags.

”I think it’s safe to say this is a key part of our strategy to win back the support of professional twentysomethings and youth in general too,” the addled minister added

“once upwardly mobile professionals realise that they’re chances of retiring in the Mediterranean maybe stuffed by Brexit, but they can score buckets of white goods for half the price they were on March 28th, they’ll be back voting Tory before you know it.”

The only potential snag in the problem is if French customs officials decide to increase checks at Calais for goods coming into the U.K.

”I wouldn’t worry about that,” Mr Feckin’ Clueless MP said, “the diplomatic tour de force currently being waged by Theresa May’s government will ensure all trucks are fully checked in at least one direction.”