Category: Global Britain

Cornwall is set for a construction tidal wave with the announcement that the Home Office is finalising plans to construct hundreds of new prime location coves.

”Just imagine the view,” a spokesman for the department told LCD Views, “and then imagine spending your summer with a pick and a shovel in hand preparing Cornwall for life after Brexit.”

The pitch is a clear play for the lazy students that infest the country doing nothing of much use, while moaning about having over £50K in debt and no freedom of movement.

”If they’re too lazy to pick fruit,” Owen Paterson posted on Twitter, in support of the initiative, “they can at least knock a few rocks about in the southwest. It’s their patriotic duty. You don’t need a burgundy passport to leave your London swat and go to Cornwall. Yet.”

But critics of the plan have leapt on what they see as a flaw in the scheme.

”The plans show the new coves being built inland,” professional smuggler, Mrs Arrrrr, told us, while shouldering a barrel of rum, “It’s not much use to a pirate if you can’t access the cove from a safe anchor in an inlet. They’re just ditches. Someone could come to grief in them.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to chastise the limits on the thinking of so called experts like Mrs Arrrr. If we can’t think outside of the box, we’re not going to make the most of the opportunities presented by Brexit.

”This is a chance to trade with the world,” professional muppet Paterson opined, while sitting in his Chinese car, using his American designed phone and wearing his Australian made sheepskin boots, “mostly the trade will be in insulin, insults, blood products and fresh produce. And whatever else the EU has banned us producing in the U.K. for far too long. I say seize it with both hands and one leg. Arrrr indeed.”

British prime minister Theresa May travelled to the Austrian capital Vienna Friday in an effort to gain the support of far right Austrian chancellor Sebastian Kurz for a revised version of her Chequers Brexit plan, following the summary rejection of the original version by the EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier.

A spokesmann for 10 Downing Strasse confirmed that under the new revised plan, instead of leaving the EU, as was previously proposed under Brexit, Britain, or specifically England, will instead head a new coalition of far right European States to be called “Größeres Europa”.

The new entity will be governed not by the democratically elected European parliament in Brussels, but by a small clique of like minded übermensch, und wömensch in some really nicely tailored uniforms from a small chalet in the Austrian alps, he explained.

“Zis iz ze plan. Ze volk have spolken,” he punned, clicking his heels together, and purposefully holding down his right arm with his left.

With the two leaders locked in delicate talks over which one of them will get to invade Poland and establish “work camps”  for “auslander” and untermensch from outside the new union, a spokeswoman for Kurz, Anna Scluss confirmed that the Austrian leader was fully in support of the plan.

“Wir vorseehen ein glorious future. Tomorrow belongen to UNS!” she shouted.

Emerging from her meeting resplendent in a tasteful grey matching jacket and skirt, trimmed with highly fashionable deaths heads and lightning flashes, together with matching patent leather jackboots. May was equally upbeat.

“Ein Raab, ein Volk, Ein Brexit Mainz Brexit,” she roared, goose stepping round Vienna’s main square, Stephansplatz whilst explaining to confused observers that “ze final solution” for the Irish border problem is to subsume the formerly independent Irish republic into her new “Größeres Europa”, fascist state.

“Kein borders, kein problem – es ist zat simplische,” she spat, lapsing momentarily out of her Boy’s Own Annual German back into English to explain:

“A single European state, with no internal borders, ruled centrally by a clique of unelected, swivel eyed, right wing dictators – so simple you have to wonder why no one thought of it before,” she beamed munificently.

Forget those fears of staying awake at night with a growling and hungry stomach as Dominic Raab MP has today confirmed that HMG is going to stockpile food for No Deal Brexit.

”Well, private companies will be paid to do it,” Raab clarified, “I wouldn’t trust us to do it! You’ll all starve. We’re definitely doing this. Well they are. Never miss a chance to move public money to private coffers. Words to govern by. We can’t even tell you why we’re doing this Brexit anymore. We’re pretty much just dancing in ever faster circles behind closed doors and hoping for a magic solution that will lets us slash tax to shreds but not get gullotined. I’m starting to sweat before I even get up in the morning. Does your room spin when you’re alone too? Does your reflection swear at you too?”

The minister of state’s concerns come on the back of the observation that anyone in government standing next to prominent Brexit MPs like Raab has also starting to uncontrollably dance in ever faster Brexit circles. This has not gone unnoticed in fictional medical circles.

”They’ve dancing sickness they have,” Roger Poker M.D. told LCD Views, “it’s a form of contagious madness. They’re going to dance themselves to death and they may well take us with them unless they enter the end state of terminal dehydration prior to March 29th 2019.”

Can we play some variety of music to help increase the tempo of their dancing?

”Well, a classic album called ‘Official Opposition Party Like You Understand Today and not 1970’ would help them get to the fatal stage before infecting too many others, but no one has been able to locate a copy for a couple of years now.”

Dancing Sickness was an occasional plague in the Middle Ages and into the 19th Century.

”They used to think it was caused by ergot poisoning on grains bread was made from by the afflicted communities,” Doctor Poker explained, “but now we realise the cause is a government of complete and utter fucking idiots.”

The dominant force in United Kingdom’s politics has its shovel in hand today and is digging with the announcement of a massive expansion to England’s land mass ahead of Brexit.

”It’s to properly stuff the Irish,” Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, via a secure Skype connection from the walk in fridge he lives in.

It seems recent traitorous utterings by the jumped up ideologue across the Irish Sea has provoked mighty England’s visionary patriots to act.

”If we’re going to have an air war against the Irish, and the rest of the EU 27, having more land is the way to win in the air,” Irritiable Duncan affirmed, “more land means we control more air, hot and cold. It also extends our fishing territory deep into the heart of Bavaria. A tangible benefit.”

It’s believed under the plan the mountainous regions of Scotland and Wales will be pulverised and dumped into the sea surrounding England.

”Think of it as a massive boost to the economy via work creation for all the lazy unemployed in the subjugated tribal regions of the English empire.”

Work is expected to begin by the weekend with the army moved into the lower regions of the Scottish highlands to ensure no cattle rustlers turn their hands to thieving English shovels.

”We need to win in the air by expanding our land,” Iain reiterates helpfully, “Boris will be happy too. He gets to have his Thames estuary airport. Only it will be about a mile off the coast of France and a RAF one.”

Critics of the scheme have raised concerns though that expanding England so close to the European mainland will make it easier for young, fertile English breeding stock to escape after Brexit.

”It’s not a worry. With a pick in hand and hacking apart rock all day, before their fruit picking shift, no one under fifty will have the energy to build a raft and flee.”

But what is this exciting plan to secure our future called?

”Operation Bullfrog,” IDS said, “as we’re puffing ourselves up well beyond our actual size to gain a tangible advantage.”

Get your shovels England and get digging. Across the border. In Scotland and Wales.

A famously orange man famous for golfing more than working, but who often scores a hole in one for fascism when he does work, has decided to take the last shreds of a woman’s self respect as his souvenir from a U.K. golfing holiday.

”I wanted a baby,” the man told a packed press conference, “a beautiful baby. A big baby. The biggest baby I could find. They have very fat babies here in England land. Not many people know that. But they do. Let me tell you. Great big, fat babies. And they’re orange. And they fly. Who knew? I knew. You didn’t know that. Beautiful flying babies. You can put them in a cage so they can’t float away.”

But inability to capture a fat, flying English baby has led to a change in direction, moments later.

”I never said I wanted a baby? That’s fake news. That’s the lying, scum mainstream media lying to you. They lie to you. They really do. Day in and day out. They have me on television. I am the highest rating, sitting, hardly ever standing, US president on English television, and Scottish television, Scottish television too. I have the best ratings here since George Washington. Not many people know that.”

But what are you choosing as a souvenir if you can’t have a baby to put in a cage?

”Oh, that’s easy. Easiest decision in the world. I am taking the last shreds of Theresa May’s credibility, self respect and joy at being alive home with me. It’s already in the bag. It’s a tiny bag. Just the smallest. Like one of those bags poor people, who, let me tell you, are only poor because they’re lazy, too lazy to work folks. Unlike me. I’m a self made man. Small bag. Small, small bag.”

We asked the woman for comment on this but all she would say was,

”Under his eye.”

Then she cast her eyes to the ground and drifted away.

“Those traitorous remoaners have stitched us up!” shouted masses of gammon and key politicians who prey on their salty credulousness, as details of plans for Northern Ireland’s life outside of the EU were revealed.

”The bloody fact, bloody fancy, bloody avocado eating, bloody ooo I’m so clever metropolitan disconnected out of touch snob remainers were supposed to warn everyone what was coming down the line if we chose to tie ourselves to the tracks of Brexit,” Frank Bloody Field MP told LCD Views, “and did they? Did they bloody hell!”

At this point Frank had to sit down and imagine a restorative vision of a revolution, after millions of bloody middle class people were finally eating out of bins and the common man realised the racism fuelled bollocks of Brexit. And their political betters, while still their comrades, lived in the mansions nationalised after the fall of all that evil capitalism.

”No one told us we were going to be stockpiling bloody tinned food because no one bothered to work out how our food supply chain works. Whose bloody job is that? Some lazy fancy pants with two tone shoes made of supple Italian leather soaked in the sweat of children. I bloody reckon! Who’s job…”

Frank settled again. Restoring himself this time with the image of smashing open the temple of Mammon in London and using the recovered toil of the masses to buy Russian made tractors and feed a starving mass.

”And Northern Ireland to be powered by floating flipping batteries in the Irish Sea? This is Global Britain? The Tories are turning us into Venezuela, with my and certain other Labour colleagues help.”

Frank breathed in. Breathed out. Imagined Marx and Lenin and Castro holding a cake sale, before finally,

”Project Fear was Project Understatement, I tell you, and I am pointing the finger squarely at the bloody remainers for not being as hysterical as us red kippers. We know who to blame. We’re taking names.”

There. That’s reassuring then. Look to the future and watch the batteries bob in a gale in the Irish Sea as the lights of Northern Ireland go off and on, off and on, to the rhythm of the sea.

 

“No one has anything to fear,” Dominic Raab MP, newly scraped off the bottom of the Tory barrel, told a packed press conference in Whitehall today, “my department is moving swiftly to ensure red meat is thrown to all patriotic subjects of HMG post Brexit.”

It was welcome news.

And a firm retort to the week’s scandalous headlines fear mongering over food shortages from Spring 2019, when we all pull together to make kleptomaniacs and their hedge fund stooges even richer.

“Anyone who has ever driven around the countryside in the United Kingdom will know it is just heaving with fresh red meat,” Mr Raab went on, “and not just the cattle, ponies and sheep. The recent fad for safari parks means that even exotic tastes will continue to be sated as we make a success of Brexit. We have a bounty in the countryside and those unelected eurocrats can’t stop us dining. Taste the sovereignty!”

This is wonderful. A far cry from the days when that ageing SAS wannabe Davis held sway as Secretary of State for Complete and Total Insanity, or DExEU, as it’s more commonly called.

“Working hand in hand with the country’s safari parks will ensure that not many people have to subsist on dog food or grass. A small price to pay for once again being outside of the tyrannical grasp of the undemocratic European Union. Making our own laws for the first time in decades and making them exactly mirror EU laws so we can trade with the world’s biggest trading bloc. But being competitive by having every working man, woman and child free of regulations and on below subsistence wages.”

Ooo that’s lip smacking. It’s believed plans for how to deliver the lions, tigers, antelopes, elephants and other animals to the country’s dinner tables are not yet finalised, but soon will be. Just a matter of designing the “Taste Your Sovereignty” logo.

“Also, my department will be updating the Brexit Cookbook immediately so you know the best way to prepare that shank of big cat. Other measures will be edible Saint George flags. Commemorative Brexit dinner plates made of chewable ceramics and how to force your children to forage. I will repeat now, no one has anything to fear if they are willing to work.”

But what about the concerns over the lights going out? The potential for Brexit to shove the UK out of the European energy markets?

“The hot heat of faith and certainty of a price worth paying will keep everyone warm,” Mr Raab reassured, “never fear. In Brexit Britain the lights may go out, for a time, as we adjust to our new realities, but with the enforced adoption of patriotic blue British passports, the lights maybe out, but everyone will still be at home.”

Fantastic news for a worried nation this morning with the announcement that Jeremy Corbyn MP (Avocadoes, Smash and Placards North) has resigned from his cabinet position as deputy prime minister in order to fill the vacant shoes of David Davis as head of DExEU.

”It’s a life line for Britain,” an insider at Downing Street told LCD Views,

“Jeremy tendered his resignation from his voluntary role of propping up May in the middle of the night and demanded control of the department overseeing the UK’s self immolation by extreme ideologies,

”Lots of words and complete inaction are vital to make a success of running DExEU. It’s a long game department. He’s a perfect fit. Best of all, the new responsibilities won’t get in the way of his camping holidays, as he’s already got those booked.”

The sideways shift in the cabinet should calm the fevered brows of hard Brexiters within the government too.

”This will make May’s position more secure, be in no doubt,” senior Brexiter, Bernard Jenkins told us, before returning to his constant past time of burying the dreams of youth, “David Davis was another of those secret remainers that are all through government and making a hash of Brexit. But with a true believer in Brexit in post at DExEU, we are more confident of a complete crash out now.”

Why Davis chose near midnight on a Sunday to depart, along with Steve Baker, is open to speculation, so we will.

”It was the most gutless time to do it,” our political intelligence operative suggests, “wrong foots May. She will have just finished polishing her selection of power neck chains and be asking her husband to count their personal wealth again. She wouldn’t be expecting this. Davis is an SAS legend. You’d expect him to go out in a blaze of glory, at a time when he could face the press and be held to account.”

One thing is certain, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as far away as possible from the mess they spent years creating and absolutely zero time planning.

We would like to wish Mr Corbyn all the success possible in his new role and wonder what other strides he could be making right now if he was actually in opposition.

The boss of Jaguar Land and Rover was left red faced and sweaty yesterday after admitting professional piece of chipboard, Owen Paterson MP (for being a piece of chipboard) knows more about making and selling cars than he does.

”It’s right up there with my recurring dream about turning up for work with no trousers on,” the red faced car giant said, visibly shaken, “a total nightmare. Schooled by Paterson? No one has ever said that before!”

The hard lesson in international trade was delivered to the boss of one of the UK’s biggest automakers after the know it all blathered in the press about the cost to manufacturing of Brexit, which he estimates at a nominal £1.2Bn per year for all three firms that comprise Jaguar, Land and Rover.

”It’s a good thing Owen was there to remind me that we can source exhausts more cheaply from an independent supplier in Patagonia,” JLR’s man mumbled,

“for years we’ve been modelling various Brexit scenarios and not once did it occur to us to factor in the ‘what if’s’ of the glorious and instantaneous free trade deals Liam Fox is arranging for the day after Brexit,

“I feel such a fool now. Just in time and just in sequence, those are the sort of trade deals our government will deliver to keep my business both in Britain and in the black,

“Hundreds of thousands of British workers have Owen Paterson MP (for being a piece of chipboard) to thank for educating me on the exciting possibilities Brexit opens up for automakers in our United Kingdom.”

In order to provide balance we sought further comment from the wise old head of British manufacturing himself.

”These so called captains of industry,” Paterson shrugged, “It’s come to something when a humble publicly funded zealot like myself has to explain their business to them. But there you have it,

“For two years we’ve tried threatening multi-nationals behind closed doors to get behind Brexit and push,

”Then we tried financial “incentives”,

“Now they’ve shown themselves to have weak knees and begun running about the press like headless chickens banging on about profit and loss, customs, tariffs, extra red tape, country of origin and all those other boring things great minds ignore, we’ve had to swap tack.”

And what tack have you swapped to?

”Jamming our fingers firmly in our ears and going ‘nah nah nah nah’, until they shut up and go away.”

In the latest farcical round of Brexit negotiations, a Downing Street ‘source’ has announced an odd new strategy, sending the leaders of the other EU nations each a DVD box set of one of the nation’s favourite sitcoms, “’Allo ‘Allo”.

Speaking at a press conference, he or she made the following statement:

“Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. These bloody foreigners need to understand English, so we are sending them an instruction manual that any idiot can learn by, and if the frogs, krauts and eye-ties can all speak English in ‘Allo ‘Allo, then they can speak it to us.”

The ‘source’ was quick to deny the rumours circulating that the idea came to her/him after the other EU leaders all called him/her “you stupid man/woman” in unison.

“The spirit of ‘Allo ‘Allo is the true spirit of Britain and Brexit. It was about two plucky British airmen who were trying everything they could to get the hell out of Europe, only to be thwarted at every turn by a bunch of foreigners, held prisoner in various undesirable locales, before finally escaping in the end.”

The fact that the British Airmen were only very minor characters in the series was completely lost on the source, as they focused on them as if they were the only heroic characters in the whole series.

“That’s not true, there was one other hero, that Englishman who was disguised as a policeman.”

That would be Officer Crabtree, whose mangled attempts at French – or should that be “French English”? – were one disaster after another, and who could barely pronounce one word correctly in any given sentence?

“That’s the man – refusing to bow down to Johnny Foreigner. Why should he bother perfecting their language anyway? English is the only language anyone should ever have any need of.”

Unconfirmed rumours are currently circulating that they are going to test it out first on Donald Trump. Who knows, maybe it will even teach him to say a civil good moaning.