Blue passport can only be used to travel to blue countries

The latest implication of the new post-Brexit blue passport can now be revealed. A blue cover entitles true-blue Brits to travel to other blue countries.

Seeking clarification, LCD’s Colour Of Legal Documents correspondent contacted 10 Downing Street. They issued a highly detailed document. Hidden amid paragraph after paragraph of self-justification and obfuscation, a few nuggets of hard information could be found.

“Blue countries means Blue countries.” “Blue represents the hardest Brexit possible.” “All truly representative political parties are associated with the colour blue.” “Blue is the colour, football is the game.” “A blue hat for a blue day.”

So that’s all clear then. We telephoned Labour HQ for their response, and received the following message. “Blue countries? Hang on a mo. you’re joking!… what, really? Oh… what did Number 10 say?… Yeah, that. What they said.” At that the line went dead.

It was a similar story with other political parties. The LibDems, after 15 minutes of valiant hand-wringing, offered nothing more. All the members of UKIP were down the pub celebrating their great victory, although one did claim to be my very best friend before collapsing on the floor.

Professor of Geography Easton Hemisphere had an alternative take on the news. “Traditionally, a political map of the world uses four colours,” stated Prof Hemisphere. “So the new passport will take you to any country traditionally coloured blue.”

All well and good, but isn’t Great Britain traditionally shown in pink? “Yeah, but you don’t think anyone will actually use it, do you?” retorted Prof Hemisphere. “That’s the big secret, a blue passport won’t even be valid in this country! Nor any other, as blue wasn’t generally used! Ha ha!”

We suspect that Prof Hemisphere has allowed himself a degree of latitude in his analysis, although it makes no less sense than Blue countries means Blue countries.

The Smurfs are said to be fearing an influx of holidaying Brits.

Every time IDS speaks on post Brexit economic outlook a major business actions its contingency plan

LCD Views has heard from increasingly overworked international business relocation service urging Irritable Duncan Syndrome to please stop talking about the UK’s post Brexit economic outlook.

“Did you hear that idiot on rt4, the Brexit Broadcasting Corporation, this morning? Breezily talking about how business will have to learn to work in new ways after Brexit?

That alone caused our phone to melt again with new orders. It’s insane. We’re considering moving to the continent ourselves just to get a breather,” Mrs P Lease informed LCD.

“And the fact such blithe statements are allowed to pass unchallenged by what are supposed to be serious journalists doesn’t help our blood pressure either.”

It seems Mrs Lease would have appreciated Irritable Duncan Syndrome being asked for specifics on what exactly will have to be learned in order to cope with the new realities of being totally overshadowed by the largest trading bloc on earth, once we establish ourselves in competition and as an existential threat ongoing. Although he couldn’t have honestly answered, as no one knows what it will look like as no one planned for it. People like IDS most certainly did not.

Also, what timeframe, budget, and fallback options will be needed to change business practises that have worked for decades but are now suddenly obsolete because a bunch of entitled twits with imperial nostalgia agree to be stooges for shadowy tax haven interests.

“On the plus side though, in terms of the complexity of negotiating the UK’s exit from the single market and customs union, politically that will become extremely easy if IDS continues to trot out nonsense he’s not asked to substantiate.”

Apparently because by the time March 2019 rolls around, thanks to IDS and chums, there won’t be any business interests concerned with cross channel trade left in the country expressing concerns to worry about.

Keep talking IDS, the world is listening.

And Beeb, don’t worry asking him to qualify all the bollocks he talks, slowly but surely only Brexiters are listening to you anyway.

What’s the contingency plan for losing the BBC? Just out of interest?

U.K. forecast to be leading emerging market post 2019

LCD Views’ leading economic analyst can finally report some good news on Brexit with the happy prospect of the United Kingdom being one of the world’s leading emerging markets after 2019.

“It will be even more profitable if the union falls apart,” said a stooge for people who just don’t care, “it’s interesting from a colonial perspective.”

Apparently one of the most intriguing aspects of the push to destabilise and introduce chaos into the UK economy, on a parity with a postcolonial country that carried on with an extractive political and economic model after independence, is the cheerful justice of long absent historical chickens coming home to roost.

“There’s a suspicion that some of the leading Brexiters, the born to rule crowd, have no qualms making millions each year doing business with corrupt regimes that increase profits by an absence of human rights, environmental and workplace rights protections and massive political corruption, because of an underlying racism in the psychology of all those offshore specialist investment go betweens in expensive suits resident (physically if barely financially) in the U.K. and currently running the country.”

It seems, so cheerful is this experience for the balance sheet, it has led to a desire to playfully overturn the apple cart at home and…

“Run away with as many apples as possible. They don’t dispense fruit to nurses at food banks anyway? Do they? Certainly not to teachers. Everyone knows they get given apples at school by the children in order to buy better grades. We’ll have to stamp that out. It’s tantamount to bribery. We’ll stop it. Now excuse me, I have to offer to bend our rules for a tyranny that buys our bombs.”

Invest in Britain!

Just make sure to do it with an offshore foreign currency account after further Sterling devaluation following a successful Brexit.

Grab yourself a piece of the NHS, it’s all up for grabs with Brexit.

May advises parliament the United Kingdom itself is not necessarily binding

Theresa May has moved to reassure the country that of the many things that are currently not necessarily binding, the United Kingdom is on the list.

“It’s a timely intervention to stop the horses getting spooked,” Mr Running Hills, analyst for the only British Brexit think tank not currently funded by the Kremlin advises,

“many of the leading nationalists in the nations that comprise the U.K. are wondering if they should be bolting from the stable now, or wait until the stable is completely ablaze in a year or two. The PM has given them the clarity required to stamp their hooves nervously and shuffle about as the hay in the corner starts to burn.”

When to time the dash for independence, or unification, is an overwhelming concern being discussed at length behind closed doors.

“All you need to do is get a tiny percentage advantage in a non-binding referendum by hammering relentlessly a series of lies that no one will hold you to account over, regardless of the severity of the potential consequences, and whacko, you have a mandate to turn the world on its head and see what falls off,” the prime minister reminded the house.

David Davis MP is rumoured to already be sending his CV to the SNP, Plaid, Sinn Fein and the Cornish Independence Party to ensure he has work going on from 2019.

“It’s very clever of Mr Davis,” Mr Hill observed, “I think he’s taking the classic builder’s path. Get the job 80% done and bugger off to the next one saying you’ll be back next week to finish up.”

For editorial balance in this article we asked Brexit Dad to comment,

“The mighty lion of the United Kingdom has never been more united behind the Saint George flag. Not on my watch you traitorous remoaner.”

That’ll bring everyone together.

Brexit Dad furious after discovering charity cricket match was for economic migrants

LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.

“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”

Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.

“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”

Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?

“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”

Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.

“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”

One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?

“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”

As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?

“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”

Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.

“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”

Paradise Papers shock ‘Sea of Tranquility’ listed headquarters for over 50,000 companies avoiding tax

There were further shock revelations from the ‘Paradise Papers’ today with the publication of extracts suggesting the Moon was declared a crown dependency in 2011 and has been turned into a tax haven.

LCD Views’ Tax, Manners and Small Nails specialist studied the extracts and provided the following breakdown:

“You’ve got to help me! I can’t do this anymore!”

The breakdown finished, he told us what he thought about the latest revelation.

“It’s hardly surprising,” Mr H.M Cola said, “With public awareness of the generally legal, but it is argued deeply immoral, use of offshore tax havens increasing steadily, and with it a clamour for reform, tax dodgers are having to go to greater and greater distances to hide their money.”

It’s believed three craters on the Moon are used as legal headquarters for businesses looking to “off planet” their assets, but those three craters are already the listed address of some 50K individual companies.

“They’re all in the Sea of Tranquility,” H.M. added, “although I suspect once the new EU regulations targeting tax avoidance come into force in 2019 they will either move to the dark side of the moon or perhaps London, should Brexit happen.”

As to how individuals set up their elaborate schemes is the subject of ongoing scrutiny.

“It’s all done electronically I suspect. I don’t believe anyone actually physically goes there to do it.”

The revelation has piqued the interest of a famous British electronic manufacturer who is rumoured to be planning a combined factory and pub (with a business colleague) so long as the regulations are sufficient to encourage competitive employment conditions.

Asked what they intended to do about the Moon a representative for the Treasury had this response,

“Wheel out some aged humanitarian to try and draw moral equivalency between billionaires avoiding tax and cash in hand workers like we always do. What do you want from us? The Moon on a stick?”

Warnings issued as captain of HMS Global Britain determined to sail with or without lifeboats

The titanic ship HMS Global Britain has been launched amid a fanfare of polarised opinion. Naysayers have complained bitterly about the blatant lack of lifeboats and other safety features. Supporters don’’t care, and just want her to sail as soon as possible.

HMS Global Britain is owned by the Brown Nose Line. It was conceived as a result of negotiations between the head Brown Noser, Mr Farage, and the Australian multi-billionaire, Mr Murdoch. Constructed in secret and in great haste, maritime insurance company DUP of London has been heavily bribed to declare her seaworthy.

Unsurprisingly, the dissent has not subsided. Maritime experts from across the British Isles, and beyond, have repeatedly warned that sailing a shoddily-built tub completely lacking safety features is a recipe for disaster.

The First Lord of the Admiralty, Mr Gove, has dismissed the so-called “experts”. In bold fashion, he states, “”Unlike these unelected minions, I have a powerful mandate. Therefore I speak with the authority of the people.””

Without wishing to linger upon the identity of Mr Gove’’s “powerful mandate” (rumoured to be a certain Mr Johnson), the matter seems to be resolved. HMS Global Britain will sail on 29 March, 2019, whether fully fitted out or not.

The rich and greedy have rushed to buy tickets for her maiden voyage to the brave new world. Anyone refusing to clamour for tickets has been branded a traitor and a saboteur by Mr Murdoch’’s camp.

With tickets priced at up to £80,000 each (at 2017 values), a black market has opened up for people resorting to desperate measures to raise funds. Tales of organs, and even limbs, being sold are circulating. The most desirable suites cost an arm and a leg.

The captain, Mrs May, has been warned of inclement conditions at sea in March. If you steer too far to the right, she has been told, you run the risk of running into an iceberg and sinking without trace.