Category: Global Britain

UK prime minister Theresa May confirmed Wednesday that as yet there are no plans to rescue the English football team which has been trapped in Russian cave for the past 20 days.

A spokesman for Downing Street confirmed that the team in question had finally been located sitting on a muddy ledge outside the Spartak stadium in Moscow having  been swept upstream from Volgograd on a tide of good fortune.

The spokesman confirmed that the team members and their coach are apparently in a weakened condition but otherwise in good shape considering the magnitude of their ordeal.

“We have managed to carry in a further eleven days worth of food and provisions but due to recent monsoon level downpour of nationalist sentiment, expectation levels are far too high to risk leading them out at this point,” he explained.

“Unless and until expectations subside to a reasonable level we will have to carry in scuba equipment and give them a crash course in diving,” he added explaining that it was something they would be familiar with but, will lack direct experience of.

“Except for the lad Pickford, he seems to have had a few lessons before and knows his way down to grass level already,” he explained.

Commenting on what sort of diet will be sustaining the team during their involuntary incarceration the spokesman confirmed that it had been planned to limit them to a diet of root vegetables, in particular swedes, but this was proving difficult.

“One problem we have faced is limiting their exposure to gammon. No matter how hard we try it keeps re-appearing; fat, clammy, red faced and dad-dancing like a drugged elephant at a wedding,” explained the spokesman.

One issue though has been resolved. On returning to the UK the trapped team will face a stiff grilling on their entitlement to re-enter the country.

“Apparently all but four members of the team were either born outside the UK or have parents who were born outside the UK so they will be obliged to prove their residence status before being allowed in,” added the official explaining that there were widespread rumours that illegal migrants may try to sneak into the country through unfeasible geological formations.

“Football it may be, but without the proper paperwork confirming its proper home, it’ll be “going” not “coming”,” he smirked.

The team is believed to have entered the cave system with their coach, having become obsessed with reports of a mythical lost treasure, mislaid 38 years ago in a similar cave system in Mexico, and which has become the subject of a number of bizarre Internet cults.

“Locating the lost treasure and re-uniting with the magical blue unicorns who guard it will help reshape the destiny of this country, and save its fish stocks, for the next 1,000 years,” explained former cult leader and leading piscine  fantasist, Nigel Farage.

The Belgian capital, Brussels  and most of the Belgian coast has been evacuated following warnings of a possible hurricane strength hissy fit by UK environment secretary and leading Brexit campaigner, Michael Gove.

Roads out of the EU administrative centre capital were gridlocked following reports that Gove had physically torn up a copy of the UK cabinet’s long awaited road map on how it plans to leave the EU without actually losing any of the benefits of being a member of the EU because his name wasn’t written “bigly enough, or in the right font” in the footnotes at the back.

“The aftershocks were felt as far south as the Pyrenees, and we have had to issue a warning of hurricane strength vitriol, hatred and mouth frothing insanity heading south from London,” explained Brussels fire chief Captain Guy De Haddock.

European meteorological chiefs have warned that this will inevitably lead to a tsunami of unwarranted claims, baseless objections, and untenable – not to say frankly absurd and self contradictory, arguments hitting the Belgian coastline within hours, he added,

“We’re receiving reports of uncontrollable fires raging on the moors north of Manchester after someone in the city dared to suggest to Gove that perhaps Brexit wasn’t all about him and maybe it could have some adverse affects on the UK economy,” he added pointing out that Boris Johnson’s feculent invitation to the EU negotiating team to “FUCK BUSINESS” was bad, but this anticipated “GOVENAMI” was in an entirely different league.

“Gove actually breathes fire and has been seen wearing a skirt…Frankly we’re terrified,” he added, explaining that most of the Belgian population was heading to the Alps, but he was fearful that even at 4,808.7 m Mont Blanc may not be high enough to afford sufficient protection. 

Warnings of the imminent destruction of much of continental Europe, were echoed by members of Gove’s own conservative party.

“This is a man so utterly loathsome that his own parents put him up for adoption before he could speak,” said one senior party official speaking on condition of total anonymity in a central London jazz bar.

“…a man who, when campaigning for Brexit announced that “the British people have had enough of experts”, despite himself claiming to be an expert on absolutely everything, from European border law to the minutae of WTA trade legislation, and despite being continually proved wrong on absolutely everything,” he shuddered, throwing terrified glances at the door.

“Frankly, even telling you this is more than my life’s worth… Michael could literally thcream, and thcream, and thcream until all of us are thick,” he whispered,  drawing heavily on a Capstan navy strength, between gulps of real ale and frenziedly denying that he was former conservative leadership candidate Kenneth Clarke.

UK Prime Minister Theresa May was unavailable for comment on the possible effect of the anticipated “Govenami”,  having been last seen heading for the government’s nuclear bunker somewhere top secret under Whitehall.

“Fortunately she had a second copy of the roadmap, so Michael’s hissy fit won’t affect negotiations with Brussels in the slightest” explained an official.

“Not that it makes any sense anyway. They’ve produced the cartographic equivalent of a satnav system that endlessly and repeatedly directs you back up Michael Gove’s kilt,” he explained. 

“Which is probably just what the attention seeking walloper wants – his bum’s been oot the feckin’ windae, fe years,” he added.

 

Ferocious! Is the word thrumming along the grapevine of British politics today at the completion of the updated ‘Great Expectations’, and the re-titling of it ‘No Expectations’.

Many new and numerous characters included too. Chancers all with locked eyes and licked lips on a scale not seen before in the imaginative word salad works of man, and woman kind too.

So goes the rumour, a rumour describing not only the revised manuscript’s population, but also the atmosphere among the working group responsible at the completion of the revised Dickensian classic.

The Cabinet Office was the scene of the imaginative action and the epicentre of raised tempers, it is said; raging passions of authorial creation.

A collection of bastards together fighting over the pen as they wrote. All with so many tumescent ideas that cry for prominence.

They are actually supposed to be governing the country, and not bastardising Dickens, but they can and will not do governance.

Instead they have been holed up beating out and forging this manuscript to capture their peculiar vision for the United Kingdom in 2018 and beyond. And they expect our European partners to love it.

”We thought to use a fitting British classic as a template,” chief butcherer of sense and morality in 2018, Little Mickey Gove said, “and then to present it to the country, and our close friends the EU, in triumph the morning after the Downing Street orgy.”

The sweaty, sticky and lewd event (orgy) he refers to at the terminal point of his insight was of course the party hosted by Dominatrix of Despair, Theresa ‘everything will be my dungeon’ May, to celebrate the eruption of the ‘Fuck Business’ bill in the passages of British legislative history.

The wet work orgy itself is expected to be repeated many times in the months to come as various bits of statute are forced into shape by insertion into the crevices and cavities of parliament and its many orifices, before being splashed across the face of the nations of the union, who it is demanded, will be grateful for it. Each time a classic work will be updated to celebrate the frenzied pleasure of the authors.

“No Expectations today,” Gove added, “No Expectations for tomorrow. No Expectations for any day ever again now or never. And you’re going to like it, whether or not you asked for it.”

Fears about the country’s certainty of a glorious future were raised even higher today after a warning from the makers of Boris Johnson’s that they may keep manufacturing in Britain post Brexit.

”The best selling ‘Fcuk Business : Bullingdon Club Special’ line has been a runaway success for the makers since its successful launch on a BBC topical panel show some years ago,” LCD business analyst, Mr Business Analyst writes,

“with its one horsepower hairstyle and five hundred bullock bullshit drive it’s been virtually unstoppable.”

The company has been under a limited scrutiny recently, although not by the BBC, after constant delays of the launch of the ‘Boris Johnson : Brexit PM, stab everyone in the face and the back, Fcuk Business’ model is continually pushed by, week by week.

“There have however been genuine concerns recently also that the makers of Boris Johnson lied about results of tests relating to the integrity and foresight in the design. There’s even talk of a potential profit warning to the tune of £410M per week.”

The live television stunts where they pumped the exhaust from Boris across the entire country, while well received, may have been intended to dazzle to distract from underlying flaws in the design of Boris Johnson’s.

“Expectations were high that whatever Brexit deal the United Kingdom eventually agrees with the half a billion people just miles away, who are desperate for the U.K. to save them from complete economic failure upon Brexit, would include a sweetener involving the relocation of Boris Johnson’s to The Hague.

”It’s still possible. But resistance is growing in Little England as they just can’t get enough of being taken for a ride in a Boris. The fuck Little England line released early in 2016 is still surprisingly popular among people who just want to believe.”

BMW has announced that it will be renaming “The Mini”, “Der Kleini” after it moves production of the iconic British car to Germany.

The Bavarian manufacturer announced last week that it would discontinue production of the Mini at its Oxford home citing the complete pointlessness of continue to manufacture anything in the UK after it has left the European Union and is obliged to impose WTA tariffs on all products coming in and out of the country.

“Let’s face it, after the UK crashes out of the world’s biggest and most successful trading block with no trade deal no one in the UK will be able to afford new cars, and the exported vehicles will be subject to stonking great tariffs,” said BMW spokesman Wolf Atzador, explaining that as everyone in the UK knows perfectly well, the Mini is a product of “the self preservation society”.

“But that society is signally failing to preserve itself – Brexit was only supposed to blow the EU’s bloody doors off,” he laughed pointing out that the stupid Brexit bus with its silly slogan is currently dangling over the precipice, as Theresa May and Boris Johnson, frantically push the golden unicorns of the “Brexit Dividend” out of the back door.

“Und if we are building the Mini in Deutschland, we may as well give it a German name he added.

“Der Kleini it is – not very imaginative, but then neither was “Mini”,” he laughed, adding that the original mini wasn’t even designed by an Englishman.

“Alec Issigonis was a Levantine Greek from Izmir in Turkey,” he said explaining that Issigonis arrived in Britain in 1923 as a 16 year old refugee with his widowed mother.

“If he tried that now your gammon faced wankpuffins and spunk trumpets would be laughing as he drowned in the Med,” he added grimly.

“Let’s see what amazing talents the latest wave of immigration from Syria brings us…and by us I mean Germany and the EU, WITHOUT the UK” he smirked.

Theresa May is to invite Donald Trump to create orphans during his July visit to the United Kingdom, in exchange for a great free trade deal.

“The children will be selected from border towns all over the UK,” a spokesman for the prime minister’s office told LCD Views, “we’re drawing up a list of remoaning families now, you know, traitors, saboteurs, people opposed to the people. The wrong sort. Those families.”

The orphans won’t be strictly orphans as the children will merely be separated from their parents in a special ceremony on the Irish Border.

“We know we’re fudging the words a bit, but so long as parents have no idea where their children have gone, it will be sufficient. Oh, and the children have no idea where their parents are.”

It’s believed not only will the ceremony appease and ingratiate the UK with POTUS, but it will also be good administrative practice for post Brexit UK, as it descends into chaos and horror.

“If we normalise the expectation of families being busted apart now, it’ll make it easier for people later,” the spokesman said, “once we have borders between England and Scotland, England and Wales, England and Northern Ireland and NI and Ireland, oh, and England and Cornwall, families will be broken up attempting to cross the borders all the time.”

Questioned over whether or not normalising such fascist horror is not actually long term thinking, the spokesman shrugged.

“We don’t do long term thinking anymore. We’re living in the 1930’s. What can possibly go wrong next by appeasing a narcissistic, autocratic, self aggrandising lunatic like Donald Trump and his agendas of dehumanising people based on ethnicity? We are happy to have him visit in July still and sprinkle some of his cruelty on us. We’re stamping him with Global Britain’s stamp of approval.”

Fantastic news today for lovers of living history with the announcement that famous Hollywood movie director Christopher Nolan has agreed to film the documentary sequel to Dunkirk in the winter of 2019, as it actually happens.

“In the sequel, currently being planned by a joint task force of both the governing Conservative party and the um, official, um, ah, opposition at Westminster, thousands of small British boats will race to France in the hope of returning to Britain with much needed food,” casting director, Mrs R Eal told us this morning.

“The movie ‘Dunkirk’ cost about $100M to make, the real life sequel is expected to run into many, many billions of pounds, but it will be listed in USD when it happens as the pound and the dollar will be at parity by then and the UK only days away from agreeing to be a subservient state of the United States under Supreme Commander Trump.”

It’s uncertain if British actor Tom Hardy will be involved in the real life effort to get around the delays at British ports once Doomsday Brexit occurs, with sources saying he’s more interested in preparing for the land based Mad Max sequel to be filmed on the Irish Border.

“We’ll try and get him back up into a Spitfire for the action in 2019 though,” Nolan commented, via an assistant, “if we’re determined to recreate the famous scenes from decades ago, in a desperate attempt to prevent rioting and revolution at home, we’re going to need to put something in the sky to keep the UKIP voters happy, as they have tried to appropriate any iconic symbol of the fight to defeat fascism and reboot it as a symbol for fascism.”

Worries about dangers to the small craft from commercial shipping in the Channel when the boats race to get food, as supermarkets shelves empty, are overstated though.

“There won’t be any commercial shipping crossing then because of the abrupt destruction of commercial freight,” the assistant added, “but we would advise anyone attempting the crossing the watch out for a giant Russian aircraft carrier which is expected to show up at the mouth of the Thames so Supreme Commander Trump can wave at us from the deck to celebrate the success of his master’s pet project. Mission accomplished.”

Job security for beleaguered visionary Chris Grayling MP, Secretary of State for Railroading (fmr) and Idiocy (current), and clarity for an anxious country with finality regarding the proposed third runaway at ‪Heathrow.‬

“Someone had to sort it out,” Grayling told us, in a field, off the M4, while he attempted to sit on a fence post, “I just took it by the scruff and shook it until all the trains fell out.”

And a good thing too.

LCD Views has occasionally been a little critical of Mr Grayling, but only to keep him on his toes because we know what he’s capable of.

“With this decision the people of Richmond, and Dover, will know that HMG is listening to their concerns. And not only that, it’ll settle those remoaners down.”

That’s a good use of a buzz word. Remoaners.

“John Humphrys taught it to me on a class he gave about understanding parliamentary democracy. It’s actually much simpler than everyone thinks. It’s just ask yourself, what would Paul Dacre do?”

John does with the paper review each day.

“Yes. Proper stooge. He doesn’t even know he is it. Just like me. But it’s perfectly straight forward when you get to it. Boy, what would we do without the insightful journalism of six figure salary John? Anyway, back to my achievements in office. You couldn’t help me stay on this post? It’s hard to balance. The tortoise shell patterned shell on my back is not centred properly. Weighted too heavily to the right. Far too right.”

We suggested perhaps a platform be placed on top of the fence post?

“Oh, I don’t think I’m quite up to managing another infrastructure project. What with finding other people to blame for the trains and the third runway, I’m already doing half a person’s job as it is.”

So the third runway is a go then? In spite of the concerns of Richmond? I have been to Richmond you know. It’s bloody noisy with planes low overhead as it is. Isn’t there another solution?

“Well, my parliamentary colleague that big blonde, buffooning bully who steamrolled a Japanese school kid with a rugger ball as part of diplomatic outreach, he’s threatened to lay down in front of the bulldozers if we start building it at Heathrow. And you know from his time on the big red bus that he means business!”

What have you decided? How have you squared this circle?

“We’re going to build the third runway at Dover and use it as a lorry park when Armagexit happens next March. Perfect.”

Two birds with one stone.

“Precisely. Better a turtle on a fence post than a coherent public policy infrastructure plan when your sole agenda is outflow of tax take to tax havens because you’ve dedicated yourself to a neoliberalised, billionaire tax dodger profit focused, narrow minded, incapable of holistic oversight policy platform I’d say.”

That’s a lot of words for you.

“I don’t understand what half of them mean, I must admit.”

It’s alright. We do.

LCD Views can report this morning that the people of the United Kingdom are being put to shame by chaps from overseas, after the revelation that a crowdfunding drive for a humble Mayfair crash pad has so far only attracted donations in roubles.

“This is why I mostly put my modest savings in Russian banks,” the man told us, “they’re oligenerous. The lack of a robust rule of law is very attractive too, some may say, but I wouldn’t of course. Please do stop asking why I invest sod all in the U.K. when I’m supposedly such a champion of the place! It makes my eyes water.”

We won’t ask the hard questions. Just let you have all the exposure and will to power you want, regardless of your only qualification being a silver spoon.

”Let’s not talk about my £5M Westminster crash pad either. Let’s talk about how I was denied my favoured locale. How I’m struggling to right the wrong.”

Yes, it seems the poor fellow was allegedly forced to start the crowdfunding drive after his attempts to buy a property in Mayfair failed and he had to go for the aforementioned shabby 18th century townhouse in the Westminster slums.

“It’s not on,” he says, “this is supposed to be 19th century Britain and here I am struggling to find an affordable home for my growing family.”

People who are enquiring why he seems to have so much support from overseas are just adding unnecessarily to his troubles.

“I find the best interest rates on my paltry savings is to be found in sanctioned Russian banks,” he shrugs, “I’m also probably something of a useful idiot for certain creative people who know which buttons to push.”

Is greed a good one to push?

“Oh yes, most certainly, and avarice and actually envy.”

Nice to know. So what target do you need to hit to be able to move to Mayfair?

“Oh, it’s all a bit of a distraction really. It’s a fine line between emanating enough old world ruling class spirit to get the great unwashed to tug the forelock unthinkingly, to giving off a vapour which suffocates not only those about but my own vested interests.”

Where are those interests vested again?

“Not in Mayfair, sadly.”

Where?

“Russia and other ’emerging markets’,” the man answered, “anywhere but the UK, far too many laws and regulations you see?”

We do. Happy fundraising. Next time let’s talk about seamless and frictionless corruption in emerging markets, and how best to navigate all that, shall we?

The Home Office was having to deal with the unusual sensation of praise today after a dangerous fantasist was stripped of citizenship for too much time spent abroad flying business class in pursuit of ends that are clearly damaging to the UK.

”We had to act to protect the country’s interests,” Mr Tooth Tiger told LCD Views as we rode up one of the many elevators inside The Shard building near London Bridge.

The interview took place inside an elevator in the new and already iconic London landmark as we were ostensibly there to witness a Home Office ceremony at the very pointy tops of the structure.

“Did you know that by April of 2017 he’d already clocked up enough business class air miles to reach the Moon?” Tooth asked, “by now he’s probably flown far enough to crash into the face of the Sun at public expense.”

The man himself could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a glass of champagne on the public purse many miles above the Earth.

“You’d say his head was in the clouds but commercial aircraft tend to fly well above any cloud masses so the flight is smoother for the tax money spent.”

It seems it was a timely move on the part of the Home Office too, faced with mounting criticism for the racist, hostile environment policies designed by the unknown figure who was Home Office minister from 2010 – 2016.

“We’ve been kicking people out as fast as we can swing the boot,” Tooth said, “and this seems to be leading to some unexpected blowback. Who knew not everyone in the UK was a racist little Englander? I mean, the country overwhelming voted for Brexit. The leaders of both main political parties back Brexit. And Brexit is Nigel Farage. We thought we were on firm ground going after people based on ethnicity.”

It seems it’s a sensible move also, with the independence movement in Scotland being given fresh legs by the shambles and certainty of economic collapse of Brexit, the man in question, having being born in Scotland, will soon be an alien resident (temporarily) in the United Kingdom of England.

“He wastes money. He promotes fantasies. He’s already been fired from high office for breaking security protocols and other misdeeds to do with hiding special friends behind curtains. He’s a rotter. We’re well shot of him. Just think of the money saved on the airfares too? Money that can be spent on the NHS!”

And why were we riding in the elevator at the Shard to the very top?

“You’re here to see the fitting of the huge eye of Sauron that the prime minister has demanded be fitted to the top of the building. All the better to watch you with as we make a success of Brexit and enter the exciting possibilities of criminalising thoughts.”